The Rum Diary

Year: 2011 (USA)
Genre: Comedy/Satire
Directed: Bruce Robinson
Stars: Johnny Depp, Aaron Eckhart, Michael Rispoli, Amber Heard, Richard Jenkins, Giovanni Ribisi, Amaury Nolasco, Marshall Bell
Production: GK Films

The film begins with main character Paul Kemp (Johnny Depp) waking up in a luxurious hotel room in Puerto Rico after a heavy night of drinking. After chomping down a few aspirin, Kemp stumbles into the editors office of the San Juan Star and is given a dead end writing job. After a few chance encounters, Kemp becomes the center of intrigue and corruption while consuming copious amounts of alcohol.

The Rum Diary (2011) was originally a novella from the twisted mind of Hunter S. Thompson an eccentric journalist and novelist who in addition to smoking, snorting, injecting, drinking every drug, alcohol and carcinogen known to man, managed to change the face of journalism by calling it as he sees it. His writing can repel and enchant with equal measure and has a breakneck spontaneity which is rivaled by its frazzled incoherency.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
But they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

Incoherency would be the best word to describe this film. The story lacks any kind of focus jumping from a love story, a corrupt land deal, drunken antics, workplace politics and racial tensions. Watching The Rum Diary was liking talking to a drunk grad student; little flashes of genius may linger but after what seems like four hours you realize you're talking to a drunken idiot and looking for the door.

This is part of my dissertation on buoyancy...

Thompson's other work adapted to screen shares a similar inconsistency but say what you will about Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998) at least it was interesting. Director Bruce Robinson seems unsure behind the camera trying desperately to balance themes and while Terry Gilliam threw spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks, Robinson compensates by drawing out its screen time and keeping the camera-work and editing as dull and uninspiring as possible.

The films only saving grace is the inclusion of Giovanni Ribisi as a cirrhosis addled, syphilitic cohort who takes LSD while listening to records of Nazi propaganda. His arguments with the Star's head editor (Richard Jenkins) provide some of the few precious moments of humor.

The epilogue appears while Johnny Depp sails into the horizon explaining that while its the end of the story "...its the beginning of another." I would have liked to have seen the other story. At least by then the sardonic wit of Thompson was finally present.

Final Grade: F

Thoughts From the Usher Podium: Top 5 Movies That are Making Me Gay

Recently there has been much commotion within the conservative Christian echo chamber about recent Oscar winner Frozen (2013). Pastor Kevin Swanson on his Colorado radio show described the film as “very evil” and posited that the film would “…indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way.”

There’s an argument to be made for sure; Elsa’s concealment of her true nature, her defiance and rejection of society, her disinterest in finding a male suitor are definitely all homosexual overtones and can’t be attributed to anything else. Moreover the lack of a strong, “save-the-day-type” male hero is preposterous and negates and positivity of an animated story of sisterly love.

But why stop at an animated musical decidedly the least gay of any movie genre. Why not expand the search for evil homosexual symbols in other films. You’d be surprised at what you’d find. So let’s all dawn our tinfoil gay-spiracy hats and dive deep into the cesspool of the Hollywood culture war machine. Below are a list of films that are most definitely turning me and all of America gay.

Aliens (1986)

James Cameron’s mega-blockbusters are all frosted with the warm gooey santorum of gay propaganda; from the message of social tolerance and responsible environmental stewardship in Avatar (2009) to Jamie Lee Curtis’s short hair in True Lies (1994). Yet Aliens certainly takes the cake when it comes to destroying the gender binary and leaving its male audiences wanting each other. First theirs the fact that the main protagonist is female; not only that but she’s useful, can kick butt and hold her own in the company of fearless Marines.

Facehuggers can keep going while guns eventually run out
and want to see what's on TV

The men in the film are faced with a villain that breeds by humiliatingly clawing onto the face and releasing its seed via toothy vagina. Not exactly a turn on for men for sure. All the men save for badly injured Hicks (Michael Biehn) and Ripley’s battery operated boyfriend Bishop (Lance Henriksen) die horribly and unlike nearly all movies there is no romantic entanglements between the two grown-up human survivors. There is however a very suggestive relationship between Ripley and Newt (Carrie Henn). Guess it just goes to show you when it comes to life threatening situations women are coming to the realization that they don’t need no man.

 

Mostly...

I'll be catcher

Commando (1985)

First off Arnold Schwarzenegger hangs around without a shirt way too many times for comfort. His rippling muscles, masculine Austrian accent, incredible grace and agility, beautiful facial features…what was I saying? Secondly look at the relationship between the Governator’s character John and equally muscle-bound bad guy Bennett (Vernon Wells). The two are torn apart by destiny but you can tell Bennett admires John for his prowess. He smiles whenever the two meet and looks to be holding back his punches in their first confrontation.

 

Lets consider the bear mustache exhibit A

John was obviously the product of reeducation from a religious “pray-the-gay-away” program and got a daughter out of the deal. When the mother left (probably because she knew his secret) John was left in the mountains to chop wood and live a life of fatherly abstinence. Along comes Bennett to remind him of his dark past and kidnaps the only remnants of his newfound heterosexuality. In the final showdown Ahnold takes care of business defeating Bennett and his inner demons. The victory is also Bennett’s however, who finally got a piece of Schwarzenegger’s big lead pipe.

 

Yea, I went there

The Searchers (1956)

Yes even the late great John Wayne was a little light in the loafers if you read closely into it but then again that’s Hollywood for you. Now how one of the greatest westerns of all time could be considered subversively homo-erotic, I hear you cry. Well first we have to consider that yet again there is no love interest in the movie. The entire picture involves The Duke and his 1/8 Native American nephew searching for his nieces who were kidnapped by Comanche warriors. Throughout the film his character Ethan is considered an outlayer, unable to conform to polite society due to his past. When he first reunites with his brother and sister-in-law you can tell there’s a strained relationship with the sister-in-law (Dorothy Jordan) being painfully aware of his predilections.

Repeatedly Ethan chides romantic entanglements between the sexes. Martin (Jeffrey Hunter), Ethan’s nephew accidentally marries a native squaw which leads to mockery. When they return home after an absence to find Martin’s love engaged to another he’s despondent. Finally when Debbie (Natalie Wood) the niece is finally found she has married the Indian Chief to which Ethan tries to kill her. Obviously he is not a big believer in traditional marriage.

 

You sure you wouldn't rather go shopping?

Top Gun (1986)

I could give you a cogent argument as to why exactly Top Gun (1986) is a notoriously subversive gay movie. But instead I’ll let the master of subversion Quentin Tarantino explain:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzY9a-WmE6o

Fight Club (1999)

Based on the novel of the same name by Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club is absolutely a story about a man struggling against his own homosexuality. Edward Norton’s nameless protagonist is an effeminate man in his 30’s who at the beginning spends his time in various support groups. He finds comfort in these largely male groups until Marla (Helena Bonham-Carter) joins a group for testicular cancer survivors. Her introduction into his superficial life (without God I might add) leads to his introduction to Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) who (spoiler alert) is a dissociated personality in the same body.

Throughout the movie we see a struggle between the emasculated narrator and the dominant Durden who entices the narrator into a real heterosexual world where attraction to a female and brotherhood among men is a positive. When the narrator finally realizes towards the end of the film that he is in-fact Tyler Durden he lashes out unable to cope with Durden’s dominant and superior heteo-lifestyle. In the end when the narrator, in effect kills his tormentor the results of his struggle and the victory of his gay side result in the destruction of municipal property. This is all in addition to the undeniable fact that a large chunk of the movie is dedicated to half naked dudes beating the crap out of each other.

Bad Taste

Year: 1987 (New Zealand)
Genre: Horror/Alien Invasion Film
Directed: Peter Jackson
Stars: Terry Potter, Pete O'Herne, Craig Smith, Mike Minett, Peter Jackson, Doug Wren
Production: WingNut Films




I've always respected and admired Kiwi director Peter Jackson and his grand designs. While some of his films are somewhat overrated (I take particular issue with The Frighteners (1996)), I could always appreciate his vision. When I decided to take on Meet the Feebles (1989) earlier this month I was taken aback by just how clever the man was when he first started making waves in schlocky horror movies business.

Bad Taste (1987) was the director’s first full-length film shot on a minuscule budget of just $30,000 New Zealand Dollars or just over $25,000 American. To put that into perspective Kevin Smith’s Cannes Film Festival winner Clerks (1994) had a budget of $230,000. That’s a paltry amount in comparison to the average multi-million dollar budget of a summer blockbuster. Yet while Bad Taste can’t compare to the flip-flap of the Hollywood glitter machine, for what it was at the time and still is, Bad Taste isn't...terrible.

Personally I'm split about this film

 A group of wannabe commandos discovers the dastardly plan of a particularly nasty group of aliens. Vanishing the entire town of Kaihoro (which translates to Foodtown in Maori), the aliens plan on taking the morbid, bloodied mounds of flesh back to their home planet. The ultimate goal; turn them into meat for their fast food franchise. It’s now up to Ozzy (Terry Potter), Barry (Pete O’Herne), Derek (Peter Jackson) and Frank (Mike Minett) to put a stop to their plan before they expand to other parts of the island, and maybe the world!

 

Why wouldn't aliens invade New Zealand?

On the face of it, Bad Taste plays like a lesser version of The Evil Dead Trilogy (1981-1992) made memorable by its exotic island location. The Ocean is never far from the action and the flora of New Zealand’s northern island makes for something nice to look at when the camerawork becomes stilted. The dialogue edges just north of bland and there’s something to be said about the sound mixing which is out of synch in places.

Still, no one watches a movie like Bad Taste to read lips and Peter Jackson’s script requires a lot of running, hiding, physical confrontations, gunfire and blood gushing. Jackson himself has the majority of the memorable scenes; most involving attempts to stop his brains from leaking out the back of his head. He and his friends also double for Blue shirted aliens disguised as humans. They’re dispatched in clever and often over-the-top ways in the tradition of Nobuo Nakagawa.

 

Maybe a little more subtle than Nakagawa

Fans of blood, guts and gore will no doubt enjoy Bad Taste as it is indeed an exercise in bad taste. Yet even to the casual viewer Peter Jackson’s freshman project has something to offer. The all male cast achieves a sense of camaraderie without needlessly focusing on things like character development. Also the acting isn't completely horrid, just amateurish.

Finally to all the potential filmmakers out there who fear rejection due to lack of talent I say take a look back and watch Bad Taste. You’d be surprised how far a man like Peter Jackson has gotten. For that matter watch the maiden voyages of other brilliant directors like Martin Scorsese’s short film The Big Shave (1968), Rian Johnson’s Evil Demon Golfball from Hell!!! (1996) or Stanley Kubrick’s Fear and Desire (1953). Talent isn’t something you’re born with but something you earn through practice. In the case of Jackson’s story about fast food loving aliens, consider Bad Taste a work in progress.

We all make mistakes

Final Grade: F

Cats Don't Dance

Year: 1997 (USA)
Genre: Animated Musical
Directed: Mark Dindal
Stars: Scott Bakula, Jasmine Guy, Natalie Cole, Ashley Peldon, Lindsay Ridgeway, Kathy Najimy, John Rhys-Davies, George Kennedy, Rene Auberjonois, Hal Holbrook
Production: Turner Pictures

Cats Don’t Dance (1997) is a hyper-saturated animated feast for the senses and an especially fun treat for those familiar with the musicals and screwball comedies of the 1930’s. Having been accustomed to the beautiful detail of Pixar and the delicate touches of Disney’s golden age, I was pleasantly surprised by a movie that takes absolute advantage of the slapsticky world of cartoons.

Danny (Scott Bakula) is our wide-eyed feline protagonist who sings and dances his way into a big studio picture headlined by America’s Sweetheart Darla Dimple (part voiced by Ashley Peldon and sung by Lindsay Ridgeway). His friends/critics include cynical bit players Tillie the Hippo (Kathy Najimy), Cranston the Billy goat (Hal Holbrook), Wollie the Elephant (John Rhys-Davies) and Pudge the Penguin (Matthew Herried). Also in the mix is obvious love interest Sawyer (voiced by Jasmine Guy and part sung by Natalie Cole). I say obvious because she absolutely despises Danny through two thirds of the film and she’s the only other cat in the film. Call me crazy but I think that relationship is a lock.

Danny learns quickly that animals aren’t considered star material in Hollywood. His hamming on the set captures the attention of an infuriated Darla yet gains the respect of the other animals. This dynamic is reminiscent of how African Americans were treating during the time. Those who made a go of acting were type-casted as slaves, maids and shoe shiners. Those lucky enough to take full advantage of their roles like Hattie McDaniel in Gone with the Wind (1939) received death threats.

 

Her Oscar also went missing in the 1960s

It’s interesting to not that in addition to the barrier breaking Gone with the Wind, The film also makes references to The Wizard of Oz (1939), regalia of the LGBT community instilling since of community. Maybe the creators of Cats Don’t Dance wanted to make a modern day fable holding to the maxims of equality and acceptance towards all. Though the more reasonable rationale for both films getting their names in lights is they were both released in 1939.

Bet she would have made a great ambassador

There are other sly riffs on Hollywood classics such as The Footlight Parade (1933), The Ten Commandments (1956), Singin’ in the Rain (1952) and Bringing Up Baby (1938). That is in addition to the Darla Dimple character being an obvious parody of Shirley Temple at one point ravenously biting off the heads of animal crackers in front of the beleaguered Danny. They even have an onslaught of throwaway gags involving King Kong (1933), Zsa Zsa Gabor and The MGM Lion among many, many others.

Seriously what is this mardi gras?!

Yet those not looking to reduce an animated movie to a game of “I Spy” will still find a lot to take away. The plot while well-worn is nevertheless genuine and interesting, the animation is eye-popping-ly goofy and the songs are entertaining if occasionally a little bland. One would wish that the characters were given a little more breathing room since the pace of the film is near neck-breaking yet seeing the gang sing “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” makes it all worthwhile.

Directed by the man who gave you The Emperor’s New Groove (2000), featuring songs written by the considerably talented Randy Newman and starring the Captain of the Starship Enterprise NX-01, Cats Don’t Dance is infectious fun. Overall not quite up there with The Lion King (1994) but comparable to Disney’s Hercules (1997) released the same year. It’s certainly not a film deserving of its obscurity so track it down and watch it if you can.

Final Grade: C-

Mr. Peabody and Sherman

Year: 2014 (USA)
Genre: Animated Comedy
Directed: Rob Minkoff
Stars: Ty Burrell, Max Charles, Lauri Fraser, Guillaume Aretos, Patrice A. Musick, Ariel Winter, Karan Brar, Joshua Rush, Stephen Tobolowsky, Allison Janney, Leslie Mann, Stephen Colbert
Production: DreamWorks Animation

Mr. Peabody’s Improbable History was a small sometimes five minute reoccurring cartoon sketch wedged into The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show (1959-1961) as a humorous quasi-educational segment. In it Mr. Peabody (originally voiced by Bill Scott), a dog and smartest mind in the world adopted a human child named Sherman (Walter Tetley). Needing a quality education, Mr. Peabody invents the Wayback Machine to give Sherman substantive lessons in World History. While throwing in some usefully factoids, the majority of the cartoon was filled with clever historical in-jokes and plays on words.

 

They also went hunting for Communists!

The full-length big-screen version of the time-travelling duo takes advantage of its dated material to make for entertaining fare. In it Peabody (now voiced by Ty Burrell) risks losing his son (Max Charles) after he gets into a fight at school and bites a classmate. “A dog can never be a father to a human boy” says Ms. Grunion (Allison Janney) of Child Protective Services. Attempting to patch things up before things get grave, Peabody invites the family of accosted classmate Penny (Ariel Winter) to dinner which leads to Sherman using the Wayback Machine and inadvertently leaving Penny in Ancient Egypt. Can Peabody and Sherman get Penny back home before they destroy the very fabric of space and time?

 

Evil Spock says no. But then again, he's a prick

First the good news; we all still exists (depending on who you ask). The space time continuum was not flummoxed by Mr. Peabody & Sherman (2014). Additionally, the film provides some inspired lessons on alternative families, caring for your loved ones and discovering your potential. The color scheme in the film pops out at you and the animation is wonderful. Credit must be given to Rob Minkoff who also worked on such classic fare as The Little Mermaid (1989), The Lion King (1994) and Stuart Little (1999). Additionally as with the source material, the dialogue is amusing and the history for the most part works. If you’re a parent with young children I recommend Mr. Peabody & Sherman as it is both colorful and doesn't talk down to your kids.

On second thought, maybe Sherman should be in a better home

That being said, the film is not without its faults which includes some gags falling flat. While in a live action film it’s impressive to see a character make mixed drinks by juggling glasses, ice trays and bar shakers, in a cartoon its not quite fun unless someone’s prat-falling. Peabody himself is as smooth, elegant and self-assured as Dean Martin but Sherman’s Jerry Lewis-like antics come off as cloying more than they do entertaining by comparison. Perhaps if Peabody was a little more self-absorbed or a little more ascorbic we wouldn’t feel quite so bad for him every time Sherman or Penny screws something up.

As with all time machine movies Peabody has talk about time travel paradoxes and other metaphysical quandaries yet here there’s no effort to make those event and conversations believable or understandable to the audience. If the writers wanted to simply remove references to altering the present through the past a la Midnight in Paris (2011) they could have done so keeping the story centered on getting home. Or if they really wanted to go Back to the Future Part II (1989) on us it’d allow for decent after-film conversations with parents and their middle-schoolers. Unfortunately they wanted to have their cake and eat it too; leaving the audience without adequate info yet half-heartedly throwing in an explanation or too. All for the sake of seeing Beethoven on a Dance Dance Revolution machine.

Also aliens

 I now take a moment to be unreasonable. The criticisms below are more a reflection of my own delirium than valid criticisms of the film. Believe me when I tell you overall, Mr. Peabody & Sherman is worthwhile. That being said its rife with historical inaccuracies which I will expand on now:

First off Marie Antoinette never said “let them eat cake.” In the words of Sherman himself when explaining George Washington’s Cherry Tree story, “it’s apocryphal”. Robespierre was also in French province of Artois in 1789 during the Women’s March on Versailles and I also strongly doubt Robespierre made a habit of being upfront and center for guillotine beheadings. The Ancient Egyptians didn’t have a habit of killing and mummifying the wife of the late king. I strongly doubt Agamemnon was actually part of the raiding part inside the Trojan Horse through Odysseus (who appeared outside of the horse) likely was. Also the film portrays Achilles as dead and Ajax as alive and well while according to the Iliad the opposite is true. In addition I doubt Agamemnon knew Oedipus though kudos on the in-joke. Da Vinci did not make a model of his flying machine, George Washington did not say “we hold these truths to be self-evident” nor did he write it, that was Thomas Jefferson and finally Zumba was invented by Alberto “Beto” Perez not Mr. Peabody.

There now that I have proven to be a complete party pooper, I once again reiterate this film is decent. Kids will enjoy it, adults won’t despise it and the elderly will recall the segments of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show when Sherman and Mr. Peabody first made their debut. As for students of history or time-travel enthusiasts, maybe you should consider the movie apocryphal.

Presidential seal of tacit approval

Final Grade: C-

The Twitlight Saga: Breaking Wind Part Deux

Year: 2012 (USA)
Genre: Fantasy Horror/Romantic Drama
Director: Bill Condon
Stars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Mackenzie Foy, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, Cameron Bright, Nikki Reed, Billy Burke
Production: Summit Entertainment

Ah hello old nemesis; we meet again. What once started as the trifling egging of a college friend has become a movie franchise released from the gates of hell itself. What was a sudden and heart wrenching annoyance has become a cataclysmic migraine, nay an unholy, malodorous bowel movement from which the stench is enough to wake the dead. Yes, I, a straight male whose only stake in the franchise is that I vowed to eventually finish it has finally put the final nail in the coffin. It has finally been done. I finally sat back and watched the last Twilight (2008-2012) movie on DVD.

I write this review slightly inebriated due to the saving grace that is the Twilight Drinking Game. Without it, I surely would have had to spend my tax return on speckling the myriad of holes in the wall. Instead of uncontrollable rage, I watched the face-palm-fest that is Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012) with a whimpering sense of futility. For those unfamiliar with the Twilight Drinking Game, the rules are as follows:

Take a shot/sip when
1. Someone says the word vampire or wolf or any variation including "newborns".
2. Whenever someone sparkles.
3. When the father appears in police uniform.
4. Whenever someone is brooding.
5. Whenever an obnoxious hipster indie song is being played in the background.
6. Whenever someone doesn't have his shirt on.
7. Whenever someone gives an unrealistically generous gift, does a foolishly gallant act or otherwise bends the rules of common sense for Bella.

Drink the rest of the bottle when
1. Someone unattractive or out of shape is on screen.
2. Something in a scene makes you feel anything other than sleepiness or the need to plant your face in your hands.

Doth one protest too much? Would one be dead after watching the last installment of Stephanie Meyer's abomination? Well, I'd stick with beer instead of the multitude of high alcohol content boozes. It's not good for your health.

The story begins with Bella (Kristen Stewart) familiarizing herself with her new found living-dead-ness. Since the last film She and Edward (Robert Pattinson) have birthed Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) the first known human/vampire hybrid. The Volturi headed by Aro (Michael Sheen) fear the child is a newly turned vampire child who can't control its appetites so they become determined to snuff it out before humans find out their kind is real. In order to avoid all out war, the Cullens recruit a gaggle of vampire clans to witness the existence of Jesus, I mean Renesmee in the hopes that if enough people know the truth, the Volturi will call the whole thing off.

Remind you of anyone?

Let's take a brief moment to recap the whole story in one giant ugly looking nutshell: plain Jane falls in love with a vampire. Werewolf gets jealous; girl marries then has sex with vampire and gets pregnant, is turned into a vampire just before giving birth. Werewolf "imprints" on newborn child because, you know, it's a werewolf thing. big cabal of vampires is angry about everything and wants to destroy the child because vampire children can't hold their P's and Q's.

As the film progresses we meet a multitude of new characters including a vampire who can manipulate the elements, a duo who can change one's perception of reality and one with Taser hands. This is in addition to Ashley Greene's character who can literally see the future. Who knew Twilight was just a bad rendering of the X-Men. Had they introduced these characters sooner we might have had a worthwhile premise on our hands.

I'd be team Jacob for sure

The new glut of characters along with the principle cast do take advantage of their powers in the final act...sort of. Suffice to say that the last twenty minutes of the film changed Breaking Dawn Part 2's status in my mind from being the best movie of the saga to the worst by virtue of having the biggest cop out moment in modern movie history.

Oh oh, looks Chicago street gangs are at it again

In the immortal words of famed film critic Roger Ebert who's wisdom definitely apply here; "I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it."

I feel like I have been the victim of an elaborate scam perpetrated by the creators of this film and book series. The artificial edifice of the entire series mixed with the vacuous, besotted romance is interminably out of place with its utmost earnestness. The professionalism of the actors, the polish of the cinematography, the dedication of the director all fail when faced with the sheer ineptitude of the story and its absolute insistence on insulting its audience. If I knew any better I'd think the creators of such dreck were doing it on purpose a la the works of Douglas Sirk and Luis Bunuel but I doubt the production team could be so sly.

Thankfully with this last insipid movie the multi-million dollar Twilight film franchise has come to a merciful end. Nevermore will we have to deal with the banal reflections of the distastefully irksome Bella and the moping Edward Cullens. The world will be at peace no longer having to choose sides between Jacob and his shirt-wearing bloodsucking doppelganger. It's all finally over and unless I'm feeling especially masochistic or know someone with an IQ lower than their shoe size and a gift for persuasion I never, NEVER have to watch the Twilight movies again.

Final Grade: F

Metropolitan

Year: 1990 (USA)

Genre: Comedy/Satire

Directed: Whit Stillman

Stars: Carolyn Farina, Edward Clements, Chris Eigeman, Taylor Nichols, Allison Parisi, Dylan Hundley, Isabel Gillies, Bryan Leder, Will Kempe, Ellia Thompson

Production: Allagash Films

In prepping to write a review on Whit Stillman's indie talk-fest Metropolitan (1990), I glossed at the "Memorable quotes" page on IMDb and found some pretty amusing quotes. It's a bad sign when reading the dialogue is infinitely more interesting than hearing and seeing it on the screen. Yet such is the folly of many movies released during the indie film renaissance of the 1990’s. While some directors tried to keep things visually interesting, as is the primary goal of a visual medium, directors like Whit Stillman, and Kevin Smith went the Woody Allen except with an increase in verbosity and a decrease in deeper meanings.

Yes deeper meanings from this guy

Metropolitan concerns itself with a group of "downwardly mobile" Park Avenue college students who meet up in an apartment after attending debutante balls to discuss philosophy, literature and economics amongst each other. It’s more interesting than it sounds but not by much. Within the group blossoms an admiration between an outsider and admitted socialist Tom (Edward Clements) and shrinking violet Audrey (Carolyn Farina). Chris Eigeman, Taylor Nichols, Allison Parisi, Dylan Hundley and Isabel Gillies roundup the rest of the pack.

Earning an Oscar nod for its original screenplay, Metropolitan delivery is ultimately muzzled by lazy directing, amateurish acting and lackadaisical plotting. Nearly all the characters are milquetoast and bland and their multiple stories and conflicts pile on yet lack any real tension. The dialogue while clever is stilted, abrupt and overtly formal stunting the actors from giving their words any subtext. Here's a notion: film is a visual medium therefore instead of telling the audience what a character is thinking maybe you should show it.

The film might have made more of an impact if it took more satirical jabs on the entitled class of self-described "Urban Haute Bourgeoisie" but while the satire is present, it at points becomes too slight that a less savvy viewer might think the film promotes social stratification and bourgeois snobbery. Many American conservative blogs have pegged Metropolitan as a conservative film that typifies the values of laissez faire capitalism and gilded age thinking. It’s odd in a way that a film whose dialogue is so terse can make such a muddled point. But then again, in the words of one of the film's characters "I've always planned to be a failure anyway."

Actors awaiting their scene backstage...oh wait nevermind

Final Grade: F