Thoughts from the Usher Podium: Go West Young Man

Once again we're headed past them there hills!

It has sense been over a month since I last wrote on this blog. There is a reason for this, in the past few months I haven't been watching as many films as I should to keep up with my goal. Life as it were, takes unexpected and occasionally marvelous turns. In the past few months I have gained employment in Mesa, Arizona far and away from my home in Lansing, Michigan. Within a few weeks I had to settle all debts including last month's rent, move all our knick-knacks and such to my parents house and perform triage on my stuff. I could only bring the bare-essentials since we couldn't afford a U-Haul so we packed what we absolutely needed into the back of an air-condition-less 2002 Chevy Malibu.

Like being birthed in a new frightening world

I'll spare the details of my trip since my luck was truthfully better than my first experience out west via Greyhound. Besides, all incidents that did occur only make me look foolish. After two and a half days, I finally made it to my new home. My lady was waiting for me when I got there. She decided to go early to find employment of her own and unlike me she has family in Arizona. She drew a bath for me as I hadn't bathed or changed clothes at all during that time. I cringed in the fetal position in the tub until all the layers of dirt, dust and sweat finally dissipated; sucking down bottles upon bottles of water.


One thing they don't tell you in the travel brochure is everything in Arizona is trying to kill you. With an average summer temperature over 100 degrees, a catalog of poisonous arachnids and reptiles not to mention the fire ants and crappy drivers I'm surprised everyone in Arizona is so chill. Everyone we've met has been helpful, the city is surprisingly easy to navigate through (except for the aforementioned drivers) and there are plenty of places to find free bottled water. The people here are so friendly that it almost makes you forget you're in the "show me your papers" State. Still the sun has been so harsh the past few days my skin has gone from Frank Black to Barry White. It's like being baked in an oven while being smothered with a body pillow. We found an apartment, a grocery store, a coffee shop and a "we have everything" video rental; I'm officially broke.

Broke but employed and pretty happy. The only thing missing are a close-nit group of friends. Having moved multiple times I know friendship takes time and happens organically but I do miss the camaraderie and common interests from those I left behind. A close friend of mine, whose passion for movie watching matches yours truly has made it a habit of keeping in touch and sending correspondents.We have been asking each other to make lists of various movie subjects for our own entertainment. After a few back and forths, we decided our musings would make good blogspot fodder. So without further ado, here's whats been on our collective movie-crazed mind. For the ease of the reader, my correspondents will be in black while his will be in violet.

Top Three Product Placements in a Movie

3. Subway in Happy Gilmore (1996)

One of Adam Sandler's best films (and that's not saying much) also has one of the best product placements in all of cinema history. It's good because it's seamlessly interwoven with the story; Happy (Adam Sandler) can't quite raise enough money in time to save his Grandmother's house (Frances Bay) from being repossessed. So what does he do? He trades in his good name in the world of golf to sell Subway sandwiches in a TV commercial. What we end up with is a three-fer: A throwaway gag worth a chuckle, a part of the plot that doesn't seem out of place and a product being hawked in a non-awful way. If only Sandler's brand could be easily sold nowadays.

Why you got to break balls dude?

3. Twinkies in Zombieland (2009)

A world ridden with zombies, then you bring in Tallahassee.  The toughest mothaf***er you've ever seen. King Arthur's quest was to seek the Holy Grail. Woody Harrelson's quest is to seek the golden fluffy deliciousness that is a Hostess Twinkie, and when you make your product the only solace to a man in post-apocalyptic world, you're gonna see a rise in those profits.

2. Century 21st in Fright Night (2011)Let's paint the picture in case you haven't seen Fright Night. The main character Charley (Anton Yelchin) is cornered in the back of a pickup truck by the main villain, a vampire named Jerry (Colin Farrell). As Jerry explains how painful a stake to the heart is going to be to the cowering Charley, Charley's mother (Toni Collette) sneaks up behind Jerry and stabs him in the back with a 21st Century Real Estate sign. Jerry scampers away injured, the bright yellow sign always in view protruding out of Jerry's back as the band of heroes make their escape. Brilliant.

I hunger for competitive real-estate listings!

2. DeLoreonHere is how great this product placement is. I DON'T EVEN NEED TO SAY THE NAME OF THE MOVIE! This movie (Back to the Future (1985)) put Deloreons on the map. Everybody wants to be like Marty McFly and Everybody wants to travel in time. I still have a dream to own one myself and drive it at 88 Mph.  Here's the best part, I had a teacher who told me they are still able to sell these at a pretty expensive rate, but they are terrible cars. one problem is that since the doors are battery powered, if the battery dies you can't manually open the door. I think someone died as a result of that. but since Robert Zemeckis made a film that made it cool to own these, people are still driving around in this pricy metal death-trap.

Where we're going we don't need roads...

1. Coca-Cola in The Gods Must Be Crazy (1980)
Not only is Coca-Cola interwoven with the plot in The Gods Must Be Crazy, the product is the plot. Far from civilization a tribe of bushmen come across an empty Coke bottle and believe it to be a gift from the Gods. After realizing the bottle has introduced concepts of ownership, jealousy and malice to the tribe, one warrior bravely ventures to the edge of the world to return the bottle to the Gods. What better way to position yourself as the everlasting champion of soft drinks by downright declaring yourself a gift from the Gods.

All hail high-fructose!

1. Pepsi Pulse in World War Z (2013) (2nd Zombie Movie on this list, weird)
I'm pretty sure you said you hadn't seen the movie so I'll have to explain this bad-ass scene.  Brad Pitt has just gained immunity from the zombies, he has to make his way to the exit that the scientists blockaded for safety. So Pitt makes a distraction for the zombies. He breaks a Pepsi machine and a bunch of cans noisily clank out on to the linoleum floor. Pan up from these noisy cans to see Pitt relaxed for the first time in this edge-of-your seat thriller to see him leaning against the soda machine enjoying a nice can of Pepsi Pulse, then he casually walks toward the exit while hundreds of zombies are running towards the noise, with Pitt walking through a swarm of zombies drinking a soda. This is the coolest Brad Pitt has ever been in a movie; and he played Tyler Durden! He finds a cure to zombie infections, and saves the world because of Pepsi. Holy Shit is that a good product placement!

Let's Be Cops

Year: 2014
Genre: Comedy
Directed: Luke Greenfield
Stars: Jake Johnson, Damon Wayans Jr., Nina Dobrev, Rob Riggle, James D'Arcy, Andy Garcia, Keegan-Michael Key, Jonathan Lejoie
Production: 20th Century Fox


Don’t be fooled by the sophomoric title which conjures up images of idiots pretending to be cops to pick up chicks, get free things and otherwise act like fools in uniform…wait, that is what happens in this film. Still don’t be fooled by the title, the movie isn’t so much face-palming as it is just mildly and reliably silly.

The movie stars Jake Johnson of New Girl (2011-2014) fame as a burned out former college sports prodigy who’s currently unemployed and single in sunny Los Angeles. His roommate Damon Wayans Jr. is a videogame designer who struggles to bring his ideas to life thanks to a petrifying fear of taking initiative. His new game pitch involves a Grand Theft Auto-type RPG boasting an authentic beat cop experience. So authentic in fact, that he borrows real police uniforms to place on his presentation mannequins. His boss doesn't go for it but at least the two can become a hit at a costume party, thus beginning a ruse that grabs the attention of the ladies, the criminals and the LAPD.

The film adds very little to the buddy cop genre save a realistic performance by Rob Riggle as a legit Police officer. The villains are serviceable in menace and acting ability while love interest Nina Dobrev of the ever popular Degrassi: The Next Generation (2006-2009) is breathtaking T&A. The notion of Dobrev’s character aspiring to be a makeup artist and not an actress or model is about as silly as Fred Astaire aspiring to be a shoe-shiner. Try as they might the chemistry between the two leads is cordial but no where near the level of Murtaugh and Briggs, Cates and Hammond, Lee and Carter. At best they’re Freebie and the Bean (1974) without the pretense of already being A-List stars.

But let’s be real, this film isn’t trying to be the next Rush Hour (1998), and yes that is the new marker of quality. It’s a movie that tries to reassemble the old Blockbuster video crowd who rented Martin Lawrence’s National Security (2003) and All About the Benjamins (2002) a hundred times because old habits die hard and The Marine (2006) was already rented out. While Johnson and Wayans Jr. may not have the established fan base of Martin Lawrence or Ice Cube, there’s no denying the films refreshing lack of pretense and the actors’ enthusiasm towards the one-trick pony screenplay.

Let’s cut the BS, what it all comes down to in movies like this is can it make you laugh? The short answer is yes and not just scattered chuckles either. Is it worth a re-watch; probably not. There are some truly inspired moments many of which are provided by Keegan-Michael Key (If Key and Jordan Peele were cast as the hapless fake cops instead of Johnson and Wayans who knows how deliciously absurd this movie could have gotten). Yet the buddy-banter all feels recycled and the action sequences are mundane.

I tacitly approve even if Let’s Be Cops appeared too late on the scene to be relevant. Those who are limitedly exposed to the clichés of boys-in-blue-type cinema will find something to like, especially when their parents aren’t in the room. Those with more discerning taste might want to look the other way on this one, not because it’s offensive, dumb or bad but because it’s too little of anything.

Just this much better than I thought

Final Grade: D