Rock of Ages

Year: 2012
Genre: Musical Comedy
Directed: Adam Shankman
Stars: Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta, Rusell Brand, Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Bryan Cranston, Tom Cruise, Paul Giamatti, Malin Akerman
Production: New Line Cinema

New Line Cinema and Warner Brothers wants you to know something: they hate you. They have no respect for you and they want your money. This is the message I received loud and clear while watching Rock of Ages (2012) this last week; a movie as foul and unnecessary as the innards of my garbage disposal. But lets back up a bit.

As if you didn't already know they hate you

As you may have guessed by now I have all but surrendered to my desires of watching any movie I damn well please. My list of a hundred movies, while still a goal set for the end of the year, is not my focus for this blog. The reasons are many but the largest is the sheer amount of movies I have and will likely miss out on, not just in theaters but on Netflix as well. Since liberating myself from the shackles of my list of 100, I have watched these films not included in it: John Carter (2012), Ace in the Hole (1951), Potiche (2010), Men in Black 3 (2012), The Day of the Jackal (1973), Mona Lisa Smile (2003), The Hidden Fortress (1958) and Rock of Ages (2012). They along with Prometheus (2012) bring my total to 2971 movies. Only 29 to go before I reach my goal.

Hard to believe this man has never won an Oscar

None of the movies I had watched were particularly bad. In fact they were at least okay and I'd recommend them all with the exception of one. Which brings us back to the subject at hand; that subject being the face and inner ear rape that was Rock of Ages. Now for those of you who aren't familiar with the Broadway show let me lay some knowledge on you. Rock of Ages is a Tony nominated jukebox musical about a small town girl (Julianne Hough) "living in a lonely world" who comes out to L.A. for her big singing break. Once there she gets a job as a waitress at an infamous rock club thanks to a pretty boy bar-back (Diego Boneta) who, of course, wants to be a rock star. The club however is on the verge of bankruptcy and is being protested by local politicians played by Catherine Zeta-Jones and Bryan Cranston (You read that right Bryan Cranston). To stop the bulldozers from leveling the place, bar owner Dennis Dupree (Alec Baldwin) is putting all his cards on "legendary," but unreliable rock star Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise).

I stay up past my bed time like a true rebel!

I can see the movie's creators pitching the idea to investors thusly: its the perfect date movie. A heartfelt romantic comedy for the ladies, set to the tunes of 1980's classic rock for the fellas. Oh and its also PG-13 which means its diluted enough to entice the young who didn't grow up in the age of vinyl and those old enough to remember protesting outside of Def Leppard concerts. While I don't know enough about the musical to assume the same of it, the film feels like a sorry assemblage of compromises. What is a strip club without nudity? What is rock and roll without sex or drugs? What is a love story without love? This movie.

Y'all got nothing on this shit

All these plot devices and processed, squeaky-clean camp are the perfect ingredients for a mediocre movie ala Footloose (1984). But there is no redeeming this clunky, overlong waste of marquee space. The movie is simultaneously exhausting and boring. Not five minutes goes by without someone belting out a song and yet the plot has no sense of urgency so you basically sit there waiting for the song to end and the plot to begin. The songs themselves rarely fit the characters, mood or circumstances. What does Foreigner's "Jukebox Hero" have to do with losing your vinyl collection, Twisted Sister's "Were not Gonna Take It" have to do with shutting down a club or Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" have to do with anything? Furthermore the choreography consisted largely of actors walking in front of colored lights while extras walked behind them. I guess the days of Fred Astaire and Gregory Hines is over replaced by the days of Julianne Hough climbing a stripper pole and hanging perfectly still.

And yet, I get the noise violation

And what of the love story? You know that one thing that should drive the plot but plays second fiddle to three other uninteresting subplots? Well you know how in every romantic comedy there is that "complication," where two thirds into the movie one person takes the others words or actions out of context, resulting in a twenty minute brooding period that's resolved by the time the credits roll? Yea, that happens. And it happens in such moronic way that I honestly felt these people did not deserve happiness.

Rock of Ages was down right insulting. At no time they attempt to honor the actual ethos of rock and roll, give a shout out to the people who wrote the songs they were butchering or even try to tell a discernible story. The best you can say about it is that it's like watching decent karaoke. But lets face it, unless you're the one up there singing, you know its better just to listen to the real thing.

Final Grade: F