A Letter of Appreciation to Greyhound Buses

Recently I took a trip down to Phoenix, Arizona and decided to take the Greyhound bus. After a three day journey there, two full days there and two days back, I felt it appropriate to send Greyhound a letter of appreciation. Below is an actual letter I emailed to their human resource department. As of a three days ago, I have yet to receive a response.

Dear Greyhound Bus Services,

I am writing to you today to thank you for being such a pivotal part of my trip out west and arguably the most memorable travelling experience I have ever had in my life. I wanted to express my gratitude for your stellar, always efficient, always on time bus system, your superb customer service and competent staff who are always ready to help with a smile on their face. In addition to general respects to your company, I wanted to extend my accolades to as many people, places and events as I can recall. I will be as specific as possible to make sure those deserving of praise receive what I’ll assume is a bonus of some kind.

On June 24, 2014 I started my arduous journey from Lansing, Michigan to Phoenix, Arizona which took approximately three days. The first leg of my odyssey took me to Chicago, Illinois. That first bus trip was relatively uneventful. The bus was about twenty years old and had no air conditioning but I’m assuming it was an integral part of your classic transportation program and didn’t make a fuss. The next leg of my journey took me overnight express to St. Louis, Missouri. The bus driver was a very enigmatic man who complimented his thick Chinese accent with terse interactions between himself and the passengers. Hilarity ensued when he told passengers “Don’t come up here and bother me for any reason,” then informed us if we needed to know the time we should “buy a f***ing $1 watch.”

We were only one hour late by the time we got to St. Louis which actually worked out perfectly since it meant less of a layover. In St. Louis I switched buses so I can travel to Amarillo, Texas with stops in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Again I was blessed with being chauffeured in an antique only this time the air conditioning worked…in the front of the bus. Those in the back were blessed with the earthy scents of the rear bathroom and windows expertly designed by greenhouse manufacturers.

Dramatic re-interpretation of the bus toilet.

If I may, I would like to address the customer service representative who is no doubt reading this note with vigor. If you have the chance to ride one of your fine buses for long distances please do so. The passengers are an exciting cross-section of the American public. I was honored to sit with a single mother with a screaming toddler, a larger elderly woman with no concept of personal space, an Iraq War veteran with PTSD and outbursts that would make a sailor blush; a woman in her 20’s dressed like Tank Girl and a cowboy who weaved some pretty elaborate government conspiracy theories. Did you know ISIS is really financed by the Free Masons? The trip was very illuminating to say the least.

The driver who took us from St. Louis to Tulsa seemed friendly but flustered. Luckily there was a passenger in front with a GPS to ensure we would only miss our exit twice. The driver from Tulsa to Amarillo was in his final day of training but had enough confidence to inform the passengers that he was a former Sherriff. This little factoid became more relevant when we nearly ran out of gas in the middle of the highway and the back of the bus turned into The Lord of the Flies. We stopped in two gas stations between Tulsa and Amarillo before the driver and his trainer were able to fill up. By then the passengers were on the verge of mutiny many struggling to be confined several hours without their nicotine fix. They were let out of the bus after thirty minutes and were able to light up just as the bus’s gas tank overflowed with what I can assume from the smell was diesel.

Rest assured your staff was once again very accommodating and no one actually died yet. We arrived in Amarillo three hours late which once again was okay since I would be travelling on the exact same bus all the way to Phoenix. Of course throughout the trip I had to exit the bus multiple times and get back on hours later with a re-board pass and my tickets; a process which seems very efficient and not at all obnoxious.

Our next bus driver was very professional. He made up for lost time, spoke English and Spanish over the intercom and, up until this point, was the only driver who didn’t get lost. I liked him. He was from Tallahassee, Florida if I’m not mistaken and had to take a plane to Amarillo so he can make his scheduled bus route. He could have used Greyhound for free but he claims he didn’t have time to make it and enjoy the creature comforts of a nights-worth of sleep before hand. Obviously the great folks at Greyhound are paying your drivers enough money to afford a plane ticket to work. How else can you retain such competent staff and keep such a positive working environment?

The transit center in Santa Fe was by far my favorite and the cleanest station I have seen to that point. Two of the four faucets worked in the men’s bathroom which is certainly an improvement from Fort Leonard’s outhouse or the buses paltry hand sanitizer and sloshing septic tank of doom. We were just getting on schedule but for some still unexplained reason we were held up for an hour longer than we had to be. I’m assuming whatever held up the bus must have been important since it distracted the station’s staff which were having trouble forming lines for an additional twenty minutes.

We finally made it to Flagstaff, Arizona, behind schedule since we had to climb the foothills of central Arizona going five miles an hour. Nothing of significance happened there. Oh except one of the passengers transferring someplace else had finally had it, started something with one of your drivers who laid him out and killed him. That’s right; my three day trip out west had as many casualties as National Lampoon’s Vacation. According to ABC-15 Arizona the driver is still at large which makes sense. The man who decapitated a Greyhound passenger in 2008 is now allowed outside the insane asylum for unsupervised outings which sounds to me like even professional psychologists excuse violent outbursts on Greyhound buses.

My trip back was likewise pretty interesting. On June 29, 2014 we set out for Santa Fe only after the last undercarriage doors were slammed shut after being stuck (ten minutes later). On the border between Arizona and New Mexico I witnessed one of the passengers being detained for possession of marijuana. I had never been part of a drug bust before so I’m glad I got to be a part of that exciting experience. Also thank goodness the Arizona State Police were there to stop the man who was more than likely high off his gob and cataracts free.

While in Santa Fe I decided it was finally time for me to buy a few things from one of your convenient Greyhound shops. I had resisted the temptations to partake in your modestly priced ancient rolling tube meats and starchy blue blankets but since I had been on this route before, I knew I would not be able to eat anything other than gas station corn nuts and expired beef jerky for the next day or so. I bought a $3.00 hot dog and lest I get too graphic, let’s just say the aftermath of which was tragic. I also purchased $2.45 earphones which made it as far as Tulsa before they broke.

Because you can't spell busted without "bus"

I managed to make my bus from St. Louis to Chicago with moments to spare and limited my conversations to a poodle breeder and an aggressive bus driver who inferred that the loud music he was hearing was coming from my now broken headphones. Now I’m not one to judge people based solely on appearance but if he were to blame anyone for listening to loud Insane Clown Posse songs on a crowded bus he should have probably first turned his head to the thin bearded man with the “Juggalo 4 Life” neck tattoo. Of course that man couldn’t have compared to the woman in the last part of my journey who had just left prison and was on her way back to Flint. She spoke on the phone the entire way from New Haven to Lansing bragging about how she got out early for good behavior during Episcopal services and having an affair with her parole officer.

Seriously, fuck you Greyhound!

On July 1, 2014 I had finally completed my expedition greeting my girlfriend who had waited for an hour longer than she should have. She got but a taste of the zen like epiphanies I had had on my journey which still swirled in my brain. Thanks to your fine company I had learned about the importance of patience, the fragility of mental health and the value of air travel.

Thank you again for everything. I will certainly be recommending your services to all my friends and family for all their travelling needs.

Sincerely
-XXXXXXXXXXX

P.S. I have attached a photo of Tank Girl for your perusing as I know that may be too obscure a reference for some.