Notes from the Usher Podium: Razing Arizona

So I'm going to start this article with a rare retraction. My previous statements about the State of Arizona and the City of Mesa were false. They were said in a moment of outward positivity and injected with liberal amounts of hope. Since I have settled in the Grand Canyon State and observed the people who populate it, I realize now that this homunculus patch of dirt is trying to spit me out like a batch of expired cactus salsa.

The trouble started as soon as we got a new apartment. Without money and sleeping on an inflatable mattress, our Spartan living left us with little to do but explore. Additionally my computer has had a reoccurring charger issue which finally reached its breaking point two weeks after our arrival. My girlfriend's computer became our only access point to the larger world though its ability to play DVDs has halted. Without a television, a DVD player or a comfortable mattress we went out often to find affordable fun.

Driving in a AC-less car across the valley I couldn't help but notice how myopic the local population is. Everyone seems to be from someplace else yet they all have the same chip on their shoulders and have a complete inability to notice anyone else. Like mules with blinders on they go through their lives stubbornly unaware of how small and precious their world really is. There are no recycling programs here; All the toilets are dual flush and everyone is either driving a Lexus or a pickup truck. Most large storefronts have these mist-ers


Are you serious?! We're in a drought!!!

providing a constant stream of water to those sitting outside. The irony is no one sits outside so these places are wasting gallons of water for no good reason. This place is one big haboob away from being lost to the world yet everyone is scarfing down their hamburgers and lazily treading the local mall like it's going out of style.

The culture here is a real problem for me. There is no culture. The Mexican and Native American influences that make New Mexico a must see have been relegated to little disconnected nooks so white people can feel like they're slumming it then walk to Starbucks for a latte. What's left is a culture with no past or future; as disposable as wetnap and as complex as an amoeba.

Pictured: Everyone who ever gave you a noogie

The nearby town of Tempe is a bustling college town lacking a diversity of bookstores and food yet is the closest thing to home I've seen. The one few moments of relative calm came when the lady and I went to World of Beer and I had my first Founders in over two months. Despite a young population, Tempe doesn't seem to have much behind it. It's like all the people you disliked in high school went to college in the same place. Nearby ASU is known as one of the largest party schools in the nation...so hurray for that.

In the middle of the valley sits the hamlet of Scottsdale, less the art center it boasts to be and more a white-washed bastion of faux-multiculturalism. It almost feels like a zoo. The city has everything a human would need like food, water, toys and souvenir shopping yet faced with the world surround it, it feels completely out of place and fake. It's like Thomas Kinkade and Norman Rockwell created a miniature town for a movie production the populated it with grotesque Caucasian stereotypes.

Lies! All lies!

Finally there's Mesa itself which unlike the touristy Scottsdale or the bacchanalian Tempe is where people seem to actually live. Again people have artificially constructed a world all their own. The only time anyone interacts with one another (other than familiar relations) is when concealed carry

This is not going to end well...

drivers rear-end each other on the road. The common thread in these various worlds is the mysticism and idolization of the Wild West at least among the elderly. Among the young there is complete disconnect and ignorance of anything outside their own social circles. Between the revolving door of concerts and Instagram updates there seems little time to dedicate to anything else. I'd be fine with this ignorance if it were complimented with a willingness to learn but alas a fear of change is baked into them.

I won't divulge the office politics of my new employer other than to say that work is the one silver lining that has kept me relatively sane. Sane being a relative term as mere weeks into project Manifest Dreadfully I lost my wallet which had my Michigan drivers license, my social security card, my various bank cards, my Chicago Public Library card and my Blockbuster card which I keep as a joke. My only means of identification are my Passport and my birth certificate (issued in Guatemala and therefore in Spanish) and my proof of citizenship birth abroad (only a copy).

My immediate task was cancelling my cards which was done before anyone tried to use them. My guess is my wallet is in a garbage dump somewhere and not in someone's pocket as I haven't gotten any alerts. My bank quickly became the least of my worries as I had already changed my address to Mesa. However in issuing a new card they are also trying to send a new activation code which comes separately from the card. I've waited two weeks and have yet to receive the code which expires in a month.

My driver's license is another story entirely. I have made three attempts to get one from the DMV or what they call in Arizona, the Motor Vehicle Services. The first time they outright refused to accept my birth certificate as it was in another language. They did give me a paper with valid forms of ID which includes an SS Card. Ironic since I need a license to get my SS Card. You'd think in a border state you'd have at least one person who could be a translator but no dice.

The second time I wrongfully assumed the un-activated bank card I have would have worked but again I was rebuffed by a surly public office lackey. Additionally as my former license was issued in Michigan they needed to locate my driving records from another server. Finally on the third try I brought everything...passport, non-functioning bank card, W-2 forms, copy of my Michigan driver's license and a copy of my SS card which were provided by my employer, mail from my current address, bills, paystubs, a High School Yearbook, medical records; if I wanted to I could take the papers I brought and build a replica of the tree they pulped. It seemed I was out of the woods...then their system crashed.

You'll never end me Arizona, NEVER!

Everyone I've asked has said they love it here. Once the heat dies down, the excellent weather will make all my problems go away. I certainly hope this is the case and I no longer have to dip into a warm pool after 9pm to finally get the sweat off my brow. I've been reading into what is commonly referred to as the Arizona black hole theory which is simply: you'll never leave Arizona once you reside here. This prospect scares the hell out of me. For while I try to make the best out of every situation and my support system is strong, I can't stand the idea of living in one place for more than eight years. Let alone a place hot enough to cook an egg on the sidewalk.