Thoughts from the Usher Podium: The Laggys

The 1st Annual Laggys is finally here! Brought to you with the same amount of pomp and circumstance afforded to a Henry Jaglom film festival, a Titus (2000-2002) TV show reboot, or a Buck-O-Nine reunion tour. Yes I realize those references were all painfully obscure but so is this award. As you may have gleamed from previous postings, The Laggys are an award given to great films from five years ago. The awards are an attempt to counterbalance the politics, sentimentality and popular trends of the time that in retrospect seem ridiculous (looking at you The Help). What remains after the dust settles are the films that really do matter, as nominated by the Film Association Reserved for the Temperament of Society hereby known as FARTS. These incredibly qualified FARTS members culled through all 2011 released films to nominate only the very best. If you have not seen these infinitely qualified films, you should be ashamed of yourself (as I am because I still haven't seen Melancholia).

Also this was a thing for some reason...

Don't we all remember 2011 like it was yesterday? The Occupy Wall Street movement was in full swing, Japan was affected by a devastating tsunami immediately followed by a nuclear meltdown, and Charlie Sheen's "Winning" became a national catchphrase. The top film of the year was The Artist, a silent film about a Hollywood star (Jean Dujardin) struggling with the advent of sound. It's main competition was Hugo the story about an orphaned French boy (Asa Butterfield) who discovers the toy maker working at the train station he lives in, is really legendary silent film director Georges Melies (Ben Kingsley). Boy the Academy Awards sure do love to self-aggrandize and overstate their effect on history.

So without further ado, let us raise a glass and toast our winners of the 2016 Laggys. The winners are highlighted in red. They come in 10 categories instead of the usual 24 because SurveyMonkey.com forces you to pay for their service if you ask more than 10 multiple choice questions. The struggle is real.

Best Animated Film

The Nominees were:
1. From Up On Poppy Hill
2. The Painting
3. The Rabbi's Cat
4. Rango*
5. Winnie the Pooh

*note Rango was 2011 Academy winner in the same category.

Best Documentary

The Nominees were:
1. Cave of Forgotten Dreams
2. The Interrupters
3. Pina
4. Samsara*
5. The Undefeated

*note is the first time in the Laggy's 1 year history there has been a tie in this category

Best Adapted Screenplay

The Nominees were:
1. Bernie: Article by Skip Holandsworth - Screenplay by Richard Linklater & Skip Hollandsworth
2. Drive: Novel by James Sallis - Screenplay by Hossein Amini
3. Hugo: Book by Brian Selznick - Screenplay by John Logan
4. Moneyball: Book by Michael Lewis - Screenplay by Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin & Stan Chervin
5. We Need to Talk About Kevin: Novel by Lionel Shriver - Screenplay by Lynne Ramsay & Rory Stewart Kinnear

Best Original Screenplay

The Nominees were:
1. 50/50: Screenplay by Jonathan Levine
2. Melancholia: Screenplay by Lars von Trier
3. A Separation: Screenplay by Asghar Farhadi
4. The Tree of Life: Screenplay by Terrence Malick
5. Warrior: Screenplay by Gavin O'Connor, Anthony Tambakis & Cliff Dorfman

Best Supporting Actress

The Nominees were:
1. Chloe Grace Moretz for Hugo
2. Melissa McCarthy for Bridesmaids
3. Carey Mulligan for Drive
4. Octavia Spencer for The Help
5. Shailene Woodley for The Descendants

Best Supporting Actor

The Nominees were:
1. Albert Brooks for Drive
2. Ben Kingsley for Hugo
3. Christopher Plummer for Beginners
4. Ezra Miller for We Need to Talk About Kevin*
5. Nick Nolte for Warrior

*note Ezra Miller wasn't even nominated for the 2011 Oscars yet Max von Sydow was for f***king Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Best Actress

The Nominees were:
1. Kirsten Dunst for Melancholia
2. Leila Hatami for A Separation
3. Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady
4. Rooney Mara for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
5. Tilda Swinton for We Need to Talk About Kevin

Best Actor

The Nominees were:
1. Brad Pitt for Moneyball
2. Brad Pitt for The Tree of Life
3. Jean Dujardin for The Artist
4. Joseph Gordon-Levitt for 50/50*
5. Ryan Gosling for Drive

*note yet another Laggy winner not nominated for an Oscar that year.

Best Director

The Nominees were:
1. Asghar Farhadi for A Separation
2. Martin Scorsese for Hugo
3. Terrence Malick for The Tree of Life
4. Bennett Miller for Moneyball
5. Lynne Ramsay for We Need to Talk About Kevin

Best Picture

The Nominees were:
1. 50/50
2. The Artist
3. The Descendants
4. Drive
5. Hugo
6. Moneyball
7. A Separation
8. The Tree of Life*
9. We Need to Talk About Kevin

*you frickin' weirdos!

Thank you to those who participated in the nominating process as well as those who voted for the final winners. It has been said that participating in a vote of any nature is a tacit endorsement of a system which becomes naturally oppressive after a time. If that be the case, thank you for letting me and the members of FARTS oppress you and high-jack your movie choices. I will be mailing the awards to all the winners promptly. They'll probably be a picture of Skeletor with a caption that reads "Hurrah You're Still Relevant". Damn I'm getting old!