Tale of Tales

Year: 2015
Genre: Fantasy
Directed: Matteo Garrone
Stars: Salma Hayek, John C. Reilly, Vincent Cassel, Toby Jones, Shirley Henderson, Hayley Carmichael, Bebe Cave, Stacy Martin, Christian Lees, Jonah Lees, Guillaume Delaunay
Production: Archimede

Fairy-tales are a fickle thing. At their best, a fairy-tale committed to celluloid can yield a Pan's Labyrinth (2006); a film drenched in beauty metaphor and stunning special-effects. Much like legends, bible stories and comic books, fairy-tales are naturally imbued with lessons and meanings meant to help their target audience contend with a hardship, explain something that can't be understood or, in a lot of cases instill a morality. After all the common cliche "and the moral of the story is..." was originally coined during the era of the fairy-tale. When updated for modern audiences, these same stories can pack quite a wallop. Unfortunately for Tale of Tales, we get an ornate but insufferable film whose morality is dated upon arrival.

The three loosely connected "lessons" in the film are based on the works of Giambattista Basile, a predecessor of the Brothers Grimm. The film starts with the plight of the royal family of Longtrellis, headed by the kingdom's unnamed King (Reilly) and Queen (Hayek). The Queen is unable to become pregnant and recruits the help of a Necromancer (Pistoni). He tells her she needs to slay a water beast and eat its heart after having it prepared by a virgin. A day after the deed is done she births Elias (C. Lees) while the virgin births Jonah (J. Lees). Despite different lineage, the boys could pass as twins which causes the queen horror and grief. The moral of the story: don't pee in the ocean.

Think she's gonna be okay!

The second story concerns the faraway kingdom of Highhills and their dotty King (Jones). The King's daughter Violet (Cave) is adamant about finding her beau and asks her father to find her a suitor. The King meanwhile is preoccupied with the talents of a flea who after a time grows in monstrous size. Due to the King's neglect, Violet is given to a hideous ogre (Delaunay) whose idea of a good time is lurching around the highlands pelting rodents and massacring minstrel-folk. The moral of the story here must be: staying in abusive relationships always pays dividends.

Finally there's the tale of two ugly sisters Imma (Henderson) and Dora (Carmichael/Martin) who inadvertently capture the attention of the lustful King of Strongcliff (Cassel). Convinced that the maiden who sung in the distance must have been a fine beauty, the King beseeches one of the sisters to come to bed with him. The sisters conspire to keep him interested which results in a night of bliss for one, followed by a case of strange magic. Moral of the story: people aren't wearing enough hats.

The film cuts between these three stories without discretion. There's no forethought or underlying theme or anything, just a collection of scenes that never truly resolve themselves. They're loosely stitched together without any thematic understanding or semblance of montage; sucking the life out of the film's occasionally inspired ordination. When we do cut to another story, we get the same three establishing shots of the same three castles so obviously spruced up by computerized glam, that I could have sworn I heard Terry Gilliam muse "It's only a model," under his breath. No actor gets away from this film unscathed though I will say, John C. Reilly is a particularly garish choice to play anyone in the 16th century. I kept thinking Will Ferrell was going to pop up under the re-appropriated Pinocchio (2002) sets or underneath the prosthetics of the ogre. Alas such whimsy would have been welcomed from such a droning, stodgy, threadbare film.

Ogre angry!

And to what end does this film have a reason to exist? To catalog the tales of a writer whose morality is obtusely antiquated? To show director Matteo Garrone, whose previous credits include the riveting Gomorrah (2008), can do anything? To keep Salma Hayek working? As pretty and poised as this film is, it is frightfully lacking in any cinematic value other than to revel in infrequent bouts of black humor. Otherwise it is a disjointed, atmosphere-less mess.

Final Grade: F