The Birth of a Nation

Year: 2016
Genre: Drama
Directed: Nate Parker
Stars: Nate Parker, Armie Hammer, Aja Naomi King, Dwight Henry, Aunjanue Ellis, Colman Domingo, Mark Boone Junior, Esther Scott, Roger Guenveur Smith, Gabrielle Union, Penelope Ann Miller, Jackie Earle Haley, Tony Espinosa
Production: Fox Searchlight Pictures

Your welcome black people!

I am of many minds when it comes to this film. On the one hand the historical themes and contemporary commentary strewn throughout The Birth of a Nation have penetrated my consciousness in a way few films have. This film makes me question my values and challenge my thoughts and understanding about slavery, racism and history by virtue of being a story hardly ever told. When we all Remember the Titans (2000) or feel the need to sit through Driving Miss Daisy (1989), we get a version of oppression that’s wrapped in cellophane and packaged in friendly trimmings, to give us that warm fuzzy feeling. What’s past is past and the backwardness of our ancestors was corrected by the “safe” versions of Frederick Douglass and MLK we remember in Elementary School. The story surrounding Nat Turner’s rebellion takes that narrative, throws it out and burns it all to hell.

Nat Turner’s slave rebellion started in Southampton County, Virginia in the late summer of 1831. By the time the rebellion was suppressed 3 days later, 55 to 65 white men, women and children were killed, striking fear into the hearts and minds of slaveholding Southerners for nearly a generation. In the immediate aftermath Nat Turner, a slave and literate black preacher was hung along with 56 coconspirators. The State of Virginia promptly banned the practice of teaching slaves to read and concocted ever stricter fugitive slave laws.

That is the official story; a comparatively dry examination when compared to director, producer, writer and star Nate Parker’s vision of historical events. Parker has his protagonist the object of prophecy; a figure whose relations to this mortal realm, mixes themes of Christianity and African animism. Coming of age at the estate of the middle-class Turner family, Nat (Parker) is treated comparatively well for a slave. He’s not separated by his mother (Ellis) nor his grandmother (Scott) and is even afforded the ability to marry fellow slave Cherry (King) albeit in open secret. Yet when his master Samuel (Hammer) loans him out to other slaveholders so he can preach the gospel to keep other slaves inspired (and happy in bondage), Nat begins to see the scope of slavery and its inherent evil.

Birth of a Nation builds itself as an important film and due in large part by its radicalism, it largely succeeds. Unlike the similarly themed 12 Years a Slave (2012), this is not the story of a victim forced into an unnatural and hellish nightmare but a person born into that very nightmare. It is only through the passages of biblical teaching that Turner begins to fathom liberation; a concept seemingly encrypted in every sermon he makes. Of course within the context of the story it takes a little more than a fugitive father and a tour of Southampton County to bring him to the brink. His wife is raped and severely beaten by Raymond Cobb (Haley), a principle antagonist we pin most of our animosity towards. It’s a thread that gives the peak of the rebellion a satisfactory arc but by comparison a fairly tame one.

What’s more muddled and, depending on whom you ask more necessary is the relationship between Turner and his slave master Samuel. When compared to other slaveholders Samuel’s warmth as well as that of his mother Elizabeth (Miller) seems almost enlightened. I dare say that those inclined to scuttle slavery’s effect on modern culture may even find a warped justification in the tortured eyes of Armie Hammer’s struggling farmer. Furthermore, when communication breaks down between slave and slaveholder, the power struggle between them can be trivially compared to a testy employee biting the hand that feeds because a Type-B manager couldn’t keep a tight grip. Yet I remind you that even the most benevolent of tyrants are still tyrants. If viewed by more critical lenses Samuel is a much stronger exhibition of the banality of evil than Michael Fassbinder in 12 Years a Slave ever was. He hints that he’s sympathetic to their plight but is cajoled by social and economic pressures to have slaves and keep them working. Some movies may parse systems and people, as a way of having their cake and eating it too. Nate Parker seems to be saying, in the eyes of the victims, there is no difference.

On the other hand, The Birth of a Nation is not completely beyond reproach. There are quite a few expressionistic asides meant to appease art house sensibilities, yet strain under constraints of budget and directorial inexperience. There are also some clunky attempts to place the story within a continuum of American history and the occasional Christ-like tableau that’s just far too obvious. Also when compared to other films highlighting the same evils, the staging feels less like an evocation than a form of self-censorship so as not to alienate political organizations, church groups and the odd AP U.S. History class. Viscerally, the film is less Roots (1977) and more The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman (1974).

I am of many minds when it comes to this film. Much like Do the Right Thing (1989), white audiences and black audiences are likely to have drastically different experiences at the theater. The title itself is an incendiary callback to a film that’s simultaneously considered one of the best American films of all time and one of the most racist. I don’t know what history will say about The Birth of a Nation but Birth of a Nation sure has quite a lot to say about history. While being a well-paced character study, erupting in an apex of Braveheart (1995)-level zeal, Birth of a Nation argues that the past isn’t as dead as we sometimes believe it to be; it’s not even past.

Final Grade: B

Snowden

Year: 2016

Genre: Drama

Directed: Oliver Stone

Stars: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Shailene Woodley, Rhys Ifans, Melissa Leo, Zachary Quinto, Tom Wilkinson, Keith Stanfield, Scott Eastwood, Timothy Olyphant, Ben Schnetzer, Nicolas Cage

Production: Endgame Entertainment

In many ways an Edward Snowden dramatization of some kind, directed by Oliver Stone was inevitable. Even if on the off chance Universal or some other company was working on a sleek, risk-less enterprise directed by some artless hack, Oliver Stone still would have pounced on the movie rights to this story even if he had to do a Capote (2005) Vs. Infamous (2006) to do it. I'm sure there will be others detailing the exploits of NSA contractor turned espionage pariah Edward Snowden, but for now the filmmaker behind World Trade Center (2006), W. (2008) and JFK (1991) has our undivided attention.

"You'll get this at the end of class."

At 28-years-old, Edward Joseph Snowden (Gordon-Levitt) was a top computer systems administrator for Booz Allen Hamilton; a consulting firm running interference for the CIA and NSA. Before then he was a top CIA cyber-security expert and self-proclaimed "computer wizard;" skills he first exhibited during his CIA training in Langley, VA. At 29-years-old, everything Snowden had worked for suddenly evaporated; gone in a calculated effort to expose a vast network of surveillance programs run by the NSA in cooperation with multiple telecommunications companies. He was also, a fugitive on the run from the United States government. That was in 2013. At the time, Snowden's actions were (and as of this writing still are) the largest unauthorized government leaks in history. Today he resides in Russia which has granted him asylum for the time being.

Politics aside, Snowden as a movie leaves much to be desired. Director Oliver Stone employs the same frenzied collage format that made JFK such an unnerving conspiratorial experience. Yet while that very bold, very Stone-esque directorial choice does its job evoking a feeling of unease and distrust, it's wholly unnecessary here. It never matches the straightforward story nor the temperament of the lead character but only seems to give the non-linear narrative a false sense of unpredictability. It never seems to match the tone at all especially given that we largely know how the story is going to end. The film swings wildly like a boozy zealot screaming from a park bench on a calm Sunday afternoon. Stone seems to want to make a film in the vein of The Fifth Estate (2013) but gets caught up on over-explaining computer jargon and propping up blackhat strawmen to beat down. At times it feels much more about him than his subject.

I'm an adult dammit!

It's a shame too because Joseph Gordon-Levitt turns in an absolutely tremendous performance as our lead. Gordon-Levitt is one of those unfortunate actors that suffer from what I like to call DiCaprio Syndrome. No matter how much he stretches and molds into a role, I still only see the good-natured actor underneath. I won't go so far as to say he completely encapsulates the role but his instincts as a cautious and cloistered computer geek turned traitor prove that he's more than just a pretty face.

Likewise Shailene Woodley largely succeeds in thanklessly rummaging what little she could of a psychology-free character i.e. Snowden's longtime paramour Lindsay Mills. As an actress she's a charming and likable ingenue and has managed to not only impress but wow in everything from weighty dramas to mindless franchise dribble. Frankly playing the sidelined girlfriend is beneath her abilities.

Snowden is a sloppy, witless political thriller whose clumsy treatment of its subject matter may have been confused back in the day as a Frank Capra-level working-stiff hagiography. One which elevates the action of one man that can "stop the motor of the world" and whose actions are saintly within a certain context. In today's day and age however, it can be assumed audiences can be trusted with complexity. Anyone looking for cheer-leading and choir-preaching should look out for Snowden; otherwise watch the documentary Citizenfour (2014) instead.

Final Grade: D

The Magnificent Seven

Year: 2016
Genre: Western
Directed: Antoine Fuqua
Stars: Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt, Ethan Hawke, Vincent D'Onofrio, Byung-Hun Lee, Mauel Garcia-Rulfo, Martin Sensmeier, Haley Bennett, Peter Sarsgaard, Luke Grimes, Matt Bomer
Production: MGM

As far as remakes go, The Magnificent Seven (1960) is on the cusp of being a no-no as far as lightning-in-a-bottle, generational classics are concerned. While not as well beloved as The Searchers (1956) or The Dollars Trilogy (1964-1966), the original Seven’s star-studded and agreeable do-it-up glitz was enough to be remembered fondly without people screaming bloody murder like some other remakes made in the recent past. Plus, when it comes down to it, the same basic story has been remade already; the best version of which is a tossup between Seven Samurai (1954) and A Bug’s Life (1998) depending on how willing you are to tolerate my “nineties kid” biases.

Not all is well in the dusty town of Rose Creek. A villainous robber baron by the name of Bart Bogue (Sarsgaard) has taken over and strong-arms the townsfolk to give up their land, or else. Emma Cullen (Bennett), our young self-adjudicated angel of vengeance puts it upon herself to hire a few gunslingers to scare off Bogue’s men and restore the town to its rightful owners (no not the Comanche, don’t be silly). Seven men answer the call, led by Chisolm (Washington) a bounty hunter with a soft spot for maidens in distress.

Just like the original, this shoot’em up western is perched atop the broad shoulders of its all-star cast who all pull their weight and differentiate themselves among the others. Ethan Hawke’s sharpshooter is given a taut but emotionally satisfying arc while Denzel Washington pulls off the same shtick he’s known for i.e. being in charge and having the skills to back it up. Manuel Garia-Rulfo and Vincent D’Onofrio are naturally suited for this kind of over-the-top rabble-rousing, though they remain sorely underwritten. As diversity picks, Byung-hun Lee and Martin Sensmeier make a big splash playing a nebulously East Asian Jet Li impersonator and a stoic Comanche added to the team, just because.

Finally there's Chris Pratt's Josh Faraday whose hard-drinking gambler proves problematic. Not because of Pratt himself, the man has enough charisma to start a cult and enough goodwill behind him to be in a Uwe Boll film and not tarnish his star. No, it's because director Antoine Fuqua and writers Richard Wenk and Nic Pizzolatto feel the need to balance, counter and otherwise parity Farday's likable and unlikable traits like they were filling out a spreadsheet. It's as if they didn't want to alienate Starlord fans so they took no risks with the character, turning him into a bizzaro analogue of Brad Dexter's Lucky from the original. Yet the original story arc was one of redemption; a bad man made selfless not a selfless man hiding virtue under smirks, wisecracks and flasks of whiskey.

Yet given the near century of golden-age wild west exposure in film, it's easy to see someone like Faraday existing among the rogue gallery of devils with hearts of gold. And with a little background on the era, it's even easy to see a team of strays being cobbled together to resemble something of a rainbow coalition. Yet it's hard to let the film slide on padding over the obvious tension of having, say, a Comanche on a team that includes a man who once made a living scalping Native Americans or having a Mexican bandit join because a warrant officer cuts a poorly detailed deal with him. Lest we even bring up the elephant in the room concerning Denzel?

Again, I'm not saying it's impossible for there to be a team of protectors consisting of a Confederate sharpshooter, a Comanche warrior, an Asian assassin, a Mexican bandit, a burly mountain man, a gambler and a black leader. I'm just saying it's impossible for no one to say anything about it. The fact that this is the case feels less like contemporary messaging or outright revisionism and more a movie straining to keep a PG-13 rating. The irony of course is this movie has enough cold-blooded murder to fill a small town graveyard but God forbid our characters sound like real cowboys.

The Magnificent Seven is a massively entertaining, easily digestible modern western that does everything it can to make its stars look good to the detriment of making the characters larger than life. It has no compunctions as to what it is and even while being a stickler for period accuracy, I can admire its brassiness.

Final Grade: C

Night of the Iguana

Year: 1964
Genre: Drama
Directed: John Huston
Stars: Richard Burton, Ava Gardner, Deborah Kerr, Sue Lyon, Skip Ward, Grayson Hall, Cyril Delevanti, Mary Boylan, Fidelmar Duran, Roberto Leyva, Emilio Fernandez, Gladys Hill
Production: MGM

In the annals of twentieth history American art and entertainment, it's a wonder the works of Tennessee Williams didn't worm their way into the thoughts of director John Huston sooner. Seemingly always focusing on damaged people on the end of their ropes, Williams's output has the steamy, melodramatic tinge that a natural adventurer and provocateur like Huston would have enjoyed. While I am a big fan of Elia Kazan's A Streetcar Named Desire (1951), there's a dark, destructive part of me that yens to see what kind of on-location tumult Huston could have mustered.

Dysentery on me for everyone!

Yet in comparison to "Streetcar," or for that matter "The Glass Menagerie" and "Cat On a Hot Tin Roof", "Night of the Iguana's" script doesn't quite gel as confidently. Somewhere underneath the familiar lusts and libations there's just something a bit off that sabotages the film from within.

The Night of the Iguana concerns a wayward priest whose inappropriate relationship with a young Sunday school teacher got him ostracized by his congregation. Two years, and a nervous breakdown later, Reverend Shannon (Burton) now guides Christian tours for a tacky Mexican bus outfit. He spends a few days on tour with a flock of Baptist women, and sees history repeat itself when a 17-year-old Texas flirt (Lyon) gets him hot and bothered. High noon occurs at the Costa Verde Hotel where the vitreous Miss Fellowes (Hall) vows to have Shannon fired, defrocked and possibly arrested for messing around with a minor.

Along for the ride are two additional women who help stir the sticky pot Shannon finds himself in. The first is Maxine (Gardner) the bawdy hotel owner whose late husband was a dear friend of Shannon's. The second is a chaste and impoverished painter named Hannah (Kerr) whose serendipitous arrival at the hotel befalls Shannon like a guardian angel. As an un-eclipsed star of the silver screen, Deborah Kerr is, as always a demure, stately vision. Despite being written inexplicably as a charlatan with a heart of gold and a gift for talking people off the ledge, she still carries through with the same verisimilitude she gave Sister Angela in Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison (1957).

Of course they cut before it gets good.

Unfortunately she and perhaps Miss Hall are the only people who seem to bring surprise and depth; a tall order considering their characters are pigeonholed as lesser versions of Mother Teresa and the Wicked Witch of the West. Ava Gardner, by all accounts a fine actress can't seem to find Maxine's center. One minute she's cloyingly passive aggressive in the way all Tennessee Williams vamps are. The next minute she's in histrionics, trading libidinous kisses with the cabana boys.

Though if there be any performance that outright sinks this boat, it's Richard Burton, the flop-sweaty captain of this unlucky tug. His silver-tongued screeching and bellowing flies thick like mole over beans and rice, yet the thespian can't seem to grasp he's not on stage this time. He never takes the subtler, quiet moments that celluloid can afford him but rather blows up like a cannon every time a modicum of drama can be had. One particular scene involving him, the young Sue Lyon and a floor of broken glass feels almost cartoonish if it wasn't so airless and uncomfortable.

Bottoms up!

Night of the Iguana is an overcooked mess made memorable less for its story and more for the drama behind the scenes. Unwanted set visitors included Tennessee Williams and Burton's second wife Elizabeth Taylor whose relationship still lives in Hollywood infamy. Additionally Burton was famous for being a petulant drunk during filming. This in turn attracted the paparazzi to the secluded coastal set and guaranteed headaches for the majority of the shoot. Rumor has it that Huston bought the cast custom pistols with engraved bullets, each having the name of the other cast members. The idea was whenever someone wanted to kill the other, they could do so in style. With so much gone wrong with this thing, I'd be going out guns blazing.

Final Grade: D

Evil Toons

Year: 1992
Genre: Horror
Directed: Fred Olen Ray
Stars: David Carradine, Arte Johnson, Dick Miller, Monique Gabrielle, Suzanne Ager, Madison Stone, Barbara Dare, Don Dowe, Michelle Bauer, Robert Quarry, Fred Olen Ray
Production: American Independent Productions

Perhaps a more appropriate title for this AIP (American Independent Productions) cheapy would be Evil Toon. After all, for all its advertised zaniness, the movie really only has one cartoon villain which is really only seen a handful of times. Consequently, most of the film is populated by the familiar crop of has-beens and a lead foursome of ladies probably hand-picked from the sticky pages of Penthouse Magazine.

The setup is simple; a group of teenage girls are hired as a cleaning crew and are forced to spend the night in an old house with a bad reputation. While there, they unleash an evil spirit that manifests itself as an incredulous wolf cartoon. It promptly possesses, seduces, and slays the occupants of the house leaving only the conspicuously virginal Megan (Gabrielle) and a mysterious man named Gideon (Carradine) to solve the curse.

Think a much tamer (and lamer) Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)

Giving a film of this caliber a terrible review would be like swatting flies with a sledgehammer. Director Fred Olen Ray has had a long and, to be honest, quite prolific career making micro-budget horror and sci-fi movies, as well as softcore T&A flicks for the golden-age of Skinamax. Shot with a budget of a mere $140,000, Evil Toons doesn't exactly have the bar set all that high.

Thus if one were to overlook the films various faults you may just find a patch of things worth recommending. The plot doesn't drudge along but rather bounces through all the familiar story beats i.e. beginning, middle and end. That may sound like a dig until you consider some horror movies today don't even accomplish this. Additionally the acting is what can be best described as pornstar bad. Our pod of hot coeds clearly have no prior knowledge of how to use a broom; let along the ability to ferret out their motivations within a scene based on the script. Yet there's something endearing about the entire process; think watching a middle school play only with gratuitous amounts of nudity. It can be fun, if and only if you decide to pre-game before the movie.

Otherwise you're looking at a light spoof on haunted houses that is both light on the horror and light on the laughs. Fred Olen Ray was rumored to have approached famed king of pop cinema Roger Corman about this script. Corman turned him down because the budget request was too low given the amount of special-effects needed. Ray shot it anyway, and made a tidy profit banking on the name recognition of the women; staples of Penthouse and Vivid Entertainment. Frankly I would have sprung for at least one bankable star. And no in 1992 that bankable star was not David Carradine.

...Sorry man.

Final Grade: F

Essentials: My Cousin Vinny

Year: 1992
Genre: Comedy
Directed: Jonathan Lynn
Stars: Joe Pesci, Marisa Tomei, Ralph Macchio, Mitchell Whitfield, Fred Gwynne, Lane Smith, Austin Pendleton, Bruce McGill, Maury Chaykin, Paulene Myers, Raynor Scheine, James Rebhorn
Production: 20th Century Fox

A homicide; a sleepy southern town is rocked to its very core. The lives of two innocent guys accused of murder are now the line. If they loose their case, the death penalty is a near certainty. What to do when the stakes are so high? Who can you truly depend on? Well family of course. Thus starts My Cousin Vinny, a fish-out-of-water courthouse procedural that just may be the most objectively lean and enjoyable scripts to ever come out of early 90's Hollywood.

When cousin Vinny (Pesci) shows up, he's clad head-to-toe in black leather; hardly the look of a newly minted lawyer. He sniffs around, as if simultaneously amused and horrified by rural Alabama's quaintness. His fiancee Mona Lisa Vito (Tomei) snaps pictures on her pink Polaroid; equally beside herself though mostly she's concerned about the quality of the Chinese food. The two youts initially accused of murder are Stan Rothenstein (Whitfield) and Bill Gambini (Macchio), two New Yorkers initially taking in the American South in their '64 Buick Skylark. In desperation Bill suggests the duo turn to his cousin, a personal injury lawyer imbued with the "Gambini" flare for argument.

At first glance, there is a lot to love about My Cousin Vinny. The film features a volatile mix of well recognized character actors including the boyish Ralph Macchio and the pitch-perfect casting of Fred Gwynne, Bruce McGill and Lane Smith as the judge, sheriff and prosecuting attorney respectively. Our two leads Joe Pesci and Marisa Tomei are a revelation as two working-class urbanites struggling and failing to adapt to the inconveniences of loud sawmill whistles, rumbling trains and Alabama mud.

Years after My Cousin Vinny's release, many have joked that Tomei's Supporting Actress win in 1993 was at best a fluke and at worst undeserved. Many have made the argument that her Lisa can be summed up as a floozy just south of Miss Adelaide only made useful because she comes from a line of grease-monkeys. Yet within the context of the script, Lisa isn't just a plot device but is arguably the strongest character in the film. She's haughty, high-maintenance and nagging for sure, yet her resourcefulness, wit and intelligence always shines through. Most people arguing about a leaky faucet do so with angry indignation yet come from her pitter-pat with Vinny, she's smart, concise, charismatic and even a little erotic. She's basically the whole package.

#relationshipgoals

None of this could be accomplished without a dead-on-balls script by Dale Launer whose previous scripts Ruthless People (1986) and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988) had a tailored affinity for good old-fashioned farce. My Cousin Vinny however is arguably Launer's best script to date. Every scene is the perfect balance between artfully disseminating information and tactfully piling on high and higher stakes all while being gut-bustingly hilarious. Most comedies would be so lucky to have a scene or two everyone knows and fondly remembers. My Cousin Vinny may just have to many to count.

Okay...you're just the tiniest bit stale.

If there's one thing wrong with My Cousin Vinny it's in the directing. Don't get it twisted, director Jonathan Lynn isn't bad and gets the job done but one can't help but think the entire process as film is entirely reflexive. There's just nothing special about the film visually. It creaks and strains under the limitations of early 90's big studio film-making and fails to take advantage of its screenplay with similarly grappling camerawork. Much like the similar A Few Good Men (1992), My Cousin Vinny  sadly looks and feels just a tiny bit dated.

My Cousin Vinny is an incredibly tight and wondrously fun little tall-tale that does wonders with the dusty courtroom genre. Not a sour note is reached among the cast which all run away with their roles and what's more, they seem to be having a lot of fun doing their thing. If I ever taught a class on screenwriting, I'd show My Cousin Vinny in the first week and celebrate it as a near-perfect example of good mainstream movie writing. After all, the film is already being used as a tool for young trial lawyers.

Final Grade: A-

Thoughts from the Usher Podium: Quickie Haiku Reviews III

This Haiku Review article is dedicated to the critics. They watch way more movies than the general public and bless them for it. Many times they'll sit through a crappy movie just so you don't have to. Other times they watch what they consider to be gold and no one, and I mean no one shows up to check them out. So here's a second chance for these films. Below are Haiku Reviews of semi-recent "Critical Favorites" that no one watched.

Rocket Science (2007)

So painful to watch.

Kid with speech impediment,

Loses a debate.

Final Grade: F

Rabbit-Proof Fence (2002)

Aborigines,

Fight system to get back home.

Strong, if low budget.

Final Grade: C+

Broken Flowers (2005)

Bill Murray is God!

Understated performance,

Still one of his best.

Final Grade: A-

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014)

Female vampire loves,

An Iranian badboy.

It's Twilight done well.

Final Grade: B

The Dish (2000)

Australian scrubs,

Try to send signals moonward

Apollo and sheep.

Final Grade: C

Cedar Rapids (2012)

Ed Helms plays naive,

Finds himself in Big City.

Small town, small minded.

Final Grade: C

The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (2005)

Long title, great flick.

Ranch hand buries a friend thrice

Because Texas bites. 

Final Grade: B-

Belle (2013)

The young mixed daughter,

Of a rich British royal,

Rails against bondage.

Final Grade: C+

Rosencrantz and Guildstern are Dead (1990)

Based on a stage play,

Of a stage play done poorly.

Guess what, it's stage-y

Final Grade: D

The Double (2013)

Kafkaesque and droll

Man finds a double who is,

Way better than he.

Final Grade: B

Thoughts from the Usher Podium: Best First Date Movies

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked me what I think are the Top 10 Best "Date" Movies of All Time. What should have been an easy list largely consisting of romantic comedies I find the least annoying, churned in my head for much longer than it should have. Weeks in fact, I thought and thought, thinking less about the list I was to make than the very definition of what was being asked.

See! Isn't she adorable!!!!!

See I have been in a very serious relationship for over six years. She's the proverbial light of my life; a stunningly beautiful, smart, intelligent, kind-hearted woman who quite frankly I don't deserve, yet she hangs on to me like I'm some sort of prize (I know, it's gross). Thus instead of dreaming up the beyond stressful possibility of going on a blind date with a stranger, I kept thinking of movies she either likes or I think she'd like.

Of course, classic animation, cheap 60's horror flicks and Kurosawa films aren't exactly universally appealing. Plus with her in mind, I can't exactly appeal to the spirit of the question. Yet being out of the dating pool for as long as Lost (2004-2010) was on the air, makes it hard to put myself in that mindset. The single life from afar looks like a dirty Jacuzzi of sweaty limbs and shame. Even if that's not the case, I'm completely at a loss as to what passes as "date" movie material.

So instead of offering up the usual fare; the safe, boring and trite romances that populate listicles of this nature, I'm going full solipsism here. Below are a list that I feel give a good breadth as far as genre, sentiment and view point. They were chosen using three criterion. First they are arguably good, bordering on great films. Sorry, I'm not going to spend $20 on popcorn and tickets so someone I barely know can set through a mediocre movie. If the date goes south at least they'll remember what they saw. Secondly love, or the prospect of love is a theme. Perhaps not the main theme but squint and it's there. Thirdly the girl I'm going on this hypothetical date with is kind of the focus. If she sits through these movies and never once uses the phrase "I can't believe you made me read" or "It was so old" then she's a keeper. Consider it a vetting process to get into my pants.

Hey babe, wanna hear my thoughts on Fellini?

10. Beauty and the Beast (1991)
Yes, People of a certain generation can't get enough of this tale as old as time. A tale about the delicate, melancholy romance of a selfish prince turned hideous monster and a kindly bookworm with a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome, told from the perspective of dinnerware. All jokes aside, Beauty and the Beast is a wonderfully imaginative film with iconic song and dance sequences and stunningly detailed animation.

For those living under a rock, the plot of the film involves a provincial girl who's father is captured by a mysterious monster living in seclusion in the forest. She retraces his steps and confronts the beast who is actually a cursed prince. Offering herself to the monster to save her father she settles into the empty gloomy castle we set our scene and eventually develops a friendship than a romance with the haughty beast.

I almost didn't include this film on the list because if a woman either has never seen this film or doesn't like it; I'd honestly be surprised and intrigued. Not in a romantic way but in way that would coax probing questions about their life. Did you live under a rock as a child? Were Disney products banned in your household? Are you secretly a psychopath? Dammit OkCupid! You've done it again!

9. Clueless (1995)
Okay, so you've gotten through the front door without a scratch. So get ready for my first curve-ball, a la the Alicia Silverstone helmed Clueless. Yes this bubbly mid-90's "chick-flick" is a near classic no matter what imdb says. Firstly it features Mighty Mighty Bosstones in the soundtrack...check and mate. Secondly it's funny, charming and full of 90's slice-of-life zaniness.

Zaniness that includes the mothaf***ing Mighty Mighty Bosstones!

The film is partially based on Jane Austen's "Emma" a tome about youthful impetuousness and comedy of manners misunderstandings. Clueless's Cher (Silverstone) takes the lead as a popular Beverly Hills teenager who plays cupid for her friends and acquaintances for the sake of popularity and a fundamental misinterpretation of "the right thing".

Am I the only one who thinks this guy hasn't aged at all?

Despite focusing on a group of ditsy poster-children for white privilege, the screenplay is surprisingly layered with inter-relationship dynamics and a surprisingly progressive attitude overall. That attitude is neatly tucked under satire at the expense of a Beverly Hills high school in-crowd that resembles the Debbie's from The Oblongs (2001-2002). Additionally the romance between benevolent queen bee Cher and Paul Rudd is naturalistic and genuine which just makes the comedy that much more satisfying.

8. The Artist (2011)
Okay, so far so good. Presumably my date has been able to sit through a universally adored animated classic and a surprisingly versatile high school movie. Now like early summer to wild rabbits, this movie is all about culling the herd. The Artist is a silent black and white French film made in 2011. Wait...where are you going?

The film follows an acclaimed silent movie star (Jean Dujardin) who finds his star taking a nosedive with the arrival of sound. As his persona declines in popularity, a young ingenue (Berenice Bejo), whose career he helped start, tries to reignite his passion. Naturally they fall in love.

The secret to The Artist is despite of, or perhaps because of its artistic choices, it's an instant crowd-pleaser with plenty to offer even the most off-put of audiences. Instead of being pretentious, the film is in-fact fun, friendly and broad in the best of senses. It's also an enjoyable romance to boot.

7. When Harry Met Sally... (1989)
So now that most of the artless philistines have left; it's time to bring in arguably the most obvious film on this list. When Harry Met Sally... takes place over the course of over ten years as our two protagonists: Harry (Billy Crystal) and Sally (Meg Ryan) pop in and out of each others lives. Partially through serendipity and partially because of hardship the two lean on each other as friends, eventually finding something more in each other's cynical New York dwelling arms.

There's a reason why When Harry Met Sally... is on the top of a lot of romantic comedy lists. It doesn't just show two people falling in love but explores what it truly means to be in love. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan are are pitch perfect as the leads, finding a warm chemistry that, to be honest, has never been surpassed.

6. Amelie (2001)
So now we get to the essay portion of this test. The woman on these hypothetical (probably multiple) dates will now have to watch a thoroughly engaging and visually stunning romantic comedy in which she'll have to read subtitles (gasp!). You see now why I'm not single and desperately clutching to my significant other like velcro? Most people would see this as some kind of punishment but not my lady...she sees it more like a serious mental condition.

Amelie is the story of a quixotic French woman (Audrey Tautou) who because of a medical mistake has grown up with little human contact. Now working at a quintessentially charming coffee shop, Amelie paints her life with her own layers of fantasy and beauty, all while helping acquaintances with their own hardships.

There's a romance for sure, but Amelie is mostly a movie about that rare love of life people once had before they joined the wage economy. The film is a bubbly, gorgeous and atmospheric masterpiece which effortlessly blends reality with Amelie's whimsical flights of fancy. Anyone who hasn't completely fallen in love with Audrey Tautou by the end of this film has been emotionally stunted and should seek immediate emotional counselling.

5. Leave Her to Heaven (1945)
While Amelie is upbeat and fantastic, Leave Her to Heaven is in it's own unique way, dark and fatalistic. It's basically the anti-date movie; A sordid tale of obsession that keeps you glued to the screen with stunning color and the acting chops of Gene Tierney.

Leave Her to Heaven is the story of a novelist (Cornel Wilde) who falls for, and promptly marries the enigmatic Ellen Berent (Tierney) who jilts a well-to-do fiancee in the process. What starts as infatuation soon blossoms into full-blown obsession on the part of Ellen who becomes jealous of her husband's crippled young brother, monopolizing his time. Slowly but surely, her insecurities consume her to the point of madness and murder.

(backs away slowly)

So why include a movie of this kind on a list like this? Well it's basically my Trolley Problem scenario for would-be mates. If my date is unaffected or worse delighted by a movie that's basically the female version of Taxi Driver (1976), I'm running for the hills and fast.

4. Fargo (1995)
Wait, what? Fargo?! I hear you cry. Why of all movies is Fargo a deadpan murder dramedy on a list primarily consisting of syrupy romantic movies? True on face value, putting this particular Coen brothers film on the list is like putting bamboo shoots on a plate of spaghetti. Yet I'm sure any film fan will appreciate that fact that a Coen joint just needs to be somewhere on this list...so why not pick the best one?

Fargo is the puzzling story of a car salesman (William H. Macy) whose embezzlement schemes are close to being discovered. In desperation, he hires a duo of thugs to kidnap his wife and hold her ransom so he can shake down his rich father-in-law. Things naturally don't go according to plan, forcing a pregnant, small town, Minnesotan sheriff (Frances McDormand) to piece things together.

The motif of love and romance bubbles to the surface only twice. Once when the Sheriff is having a cringe-worthy chat with a former high school friend who declares his undying love for her. Yet the part that hits home, and typifies my idea of true love comes in the closing scene. McDormand, exhausted from the investigation and subsequent arrests, sits in bed with her husband (John Carroll Lynch) watching TV. Her sentiment is one of gratuity; a quaint, stable equilibrium that may have its challenges but still remains a calm in the storm that is their lives. I love that...hopefully my date will like that too.

3. Make Way for Tomorrow (1937)
Of course if she doesn't, she has another chance with Make Way for Tomorrow, a film made infamous when Orson Welles declared it a movie that would make a stone cry. If this film doesn't resonate with whomever you're with on an emotional level, they are clearly not human. Cut them out quickly; you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Make Way for Tomorrow is the austere, wistful tale of Barkley (Victor Moore) and Lucy Cooper (Beulah Bondi) who have had decades of married bliss under their belt before the events of the film. Due to the worsening Great Depression, the elderly couple is forced to separate and take temporary residence at their children's' homes. Barkley stays with his daughter in California to search for work  while Lucy stays with her son in his family's swanky Manhattan apartment. After a time, their temporary situation becomes more permanent which puts a damper on the lives of their middle-aged children who all have families and responsibilities of their own.

Make Way for Tomorrow is one of those films where no one is really at fault for what is said and done. You feel for everyone and hope in vain for a happy ending that just may not come. Keeping it all together are Victor Moore and Beulah Bondi whose elderly couple is the epitome of class under pressure. They're perfect in their own indescribable way that has to be seen to believed. The last ten minutes of the film feature one of the most bittersweet moments of romance ever committed to celluloid. Bittersweet because despite the couple's fleeting happiness, there's a forlorn realization that they may not get another moment as perfect as this again.

2. Casablanca (1942)
You know it, you've seen it or at least you've heard of it. Any list of "Date Movies" that doesn't have Casablanca somewhere on it is automatically disqualified from your Facebook feed. Seriously, block that s**t!

1. City Lights (1931)
City Lights is without exception the most romantic film ever made. What can be more perfectly idyllic and altruistically beautiful than a movie about a big-hearted Tramp (Charlie Chaplin) who falls for a blind flower girl and tries in vain to raise money for an eye operation. The Tramp does so by depending on the largess of a carousing millionaire whose drunken debauchery at one point convinces the girl (Virginia Cherrill) that the Tramp is in-fact a wealthy benefactor and not just a homeless Tramp eager to find love.

Effortlessly funny in the way that only Charlie Chaplin can achieve, City Lights has the audacity to once again give voice to the voiceless while being a treasure trove of timeless comedic scenes. There's something about Chaplin's unabashed humanism and sincere romanticism that strikes a cord that willing audiences won't soon forget. While the best of films can make you jump for joy or shed a tear, City Lights and the genius of Chaplin can accomplish both within the same reel.

While some may not be keen on silent films, Chaplin's Tramp persona has achieved cinematic immortality through his universal appeal as a struggling but always chipper, limber and silent vaudevillian. His "Comedy of romance and pantomime" may just stand the test of time better than any of his films, which is saying a lot since most of his feature films are not just good but visually near-perfect.

Anyone who'd want to date me would need to know, appreciate if not downright love Charlie Chaplin. He's not only one of my idols but an acclaimed demigod of the cinema whose impact is beyond reproach. George Bernard Shaw once called Chaplin "The only genius to come out of the movie industry," and seeing as City Lights has inspired everyone from Stanley Kubrick to Andrei Tarkovsky to Woody Allen, it's easy to see why.