Underworld: Blood Wars

Year: 2017

Genre: Action

Directed: Anna Foerster

Stars: Kate Beckinsale, Theo James, Tobias Menzies, Lara Pulver, Charles Dance, James Faulkner, Peter Andersson, Clementine Nicholson, Bradley James, Daisy Head, Oliver Stark, Sveta Driga

Production: Screen Gems

This movie is atrocious by all outside metrics - It’s slow moving, it’s poorly edited, it’s painfully contrived, it’s noticeably cheap looking and…it’s kind of fun to watch. Okay, maybe it’s a stretch to say that the fifth installment of this morose ode to fang kink is fun to watch. It’s clear from the generous amounts of recaps, flash backs and the, oh so overused callbacks the Underworld series (2003-Present) has all but run out of steam. Yet what remains serviceable about this film, the action sequences, the reductive sexuality, the Supernatural (2005-Present) meets Game of Thrones (2011-Present) intrigue, is precisely what the fans want.

 

This one's for you Gary!

Underworld: Blood Wars begins with a sloppily edited, voice over recap about our long suffering protagonist’s journey from scrappy vampire warrior to bloodsucker pariah, to mother of “the chosen one.” We then see Selene (Beckinsale) take on a pack of fanatic werewolves whose new leader Marius (Menzies) has a vested interest in Selene’s daughter’s blood. Problem is Selene doesn’t know where her daughter is – the lycans, don’t know where her daughter is – the vampire clan shoehorned into this movie, also don’t know where her daughter is! Seriously has no one called for an Amber Alert at this point?

Selene is then wrapped up into the palace intrigue of a prestigious vampire coven, led by Semira (Pulver) whose nefarious plans are as webbed and needlessly contrived as her outfits. Watching this film spill its yarn was like enduring the uncomfortable S&M fantasies of a zealous Dungeons and Dragons DM. There’s half-thought-out drivel about pure blood vampire lines, Selene somehow harnessing the power to create mirages, the war between vampires and lycans which is always a fixture – then there are the elves. The movie explains they’re a secluded coven of vampires but no, they’re f***ing elves!

There’s a lot of ridiculousness in this film is my point and not a single scene goes on without elongated monologues spouting exposition. Yet while the machinery of Blood Wars loudly chugs along, a recalibration is happening. In the mix are series holdovers David (T. James) and lead vampire daddy Thomas (Dance), whose character arcs clunkily reach some kind of resolution. Our villain Marius likewise borrows up-in-the-air elements from earlier installments and clumsily curb stomps them so they’ll (hopefully) never be mentioned again. Add to all this the fact that you never actually find out what happened to the daughter and it feels to me that the series is slicing on through and then asking for a mulligan.

Still a better love story than Twilight

It’s all very obvious and at times too cringe-worthy to bear, but with so many scenes littered in form-fitting leather, it’s now possible to conclude this series finally knows what its doing. I mean come on, the film goes so far as to introduce the baby-faced Alexia (Head) and the chiseled Vargas (B. James); two characters whose main jobs are to be sexual props for other characters. From the fan’s perspective, this IP essentially amounts to nothing more than elaborate Gothic role-play, faux elegant depictions of bloodletting, cool ninja warrior acrobatics and a female protagonist who gets off on being hurt. I’m not saying I approve but having our hero rip out a werewolf’s spine while in a literal cage is arguably better than the Romeo and Juliet bulls**t we got in the first one.

Final Grade: D+