The Emoji Movie

Year: 2017
Genre: Animated Comedy
Directed: Tony Leondis
Stars: T.J. Miller, James Corden, Anna Faris, Maya Rudolph, Steven Wright, Jennifer Coolidge, Patrick Stewart, Christina Aguilera, Sofia Vergara, Rachael Ray, Sean Hayes, Jake T. Austin
Production: Sony Pictures Animation

There's a whole world inside my phone!

Boy what a piece of 💩! There is absolutely no reason for this movie to exist - none. To make a movie about Legos or Transformers or My Little Pony is one thing, but making an entire movie about the text app on your phone is the equivalent of making a movie called The Secret Life of Smoke Signals. The fact that the movie centers on the "😕" emoji is, in a way, kind of ironic. "😕," is quite literally the best thing you can say about this movie. The worst you can say, is it made this reviewer want to 🤢.

The (ugh) Emoji Movie follows a few days in the life of Gene Meh (Miller), an Emoji who for some reason doesn't have the ability to do a "Meh" on cue. As a result of a first day screw up, Gene becomes a social pariah and risks deletion unless he can find a code that will change his programming for the better...I guess. Along for the ride is former user favorite High-Five (Corden), and the mysterious Hacker named Jailbreak (Farris) who isn't who she says she is but her big, third act reveal means little, and does little other than prop up a cynical Twitter ad.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, The Emoji Movie is chalked full of low-hanging fruit when it comes to jokes and basic story elements. But what is surprising is there's so little of anything actually going on. For real though! In between page long exposition dumps, plot contrivance dumps and forced, cringe-worthy youth-oriented vocab dumps, the jokes seem to be spewing at 30% capacity and the plot seems barely alive. It's essentially a movie of surface level dynamics and empty space.

This s**t's on fleek!

What little we have to grab onto in this godforsaken movie is Meh's ambiguously set up heroes journey. A journey that literally takes him, his friends and his family through Facebook, Youtube, Spotify and Dropbox because, you know, what's a movie like this without cat videos, malware updates, bad pop music and "thumbs up" stickers. There's also a trek through Candy Crush which not only feels uninspired but does the unthinkable in taking a beat to actually explain the game lest someone in the audience still holds onto their rotary. It all reaches peak stupidity when Meh manages to travel to "the cloud" thanks largely to his ability to make faces and remember the name of the girl the phone's user is obsessed with.

Literally the best joke in the movie...

The final act makes no sense but trust me, by the point Meh makes his return to Textopolis (no joke, the Emojis live in Textopolis), the movie is so far gone, you'll just be glad it's a few minutes from wrapping up. When it finally does wrap up the only question you'll probably be asking yourself is, "am I angry that I saw this movie, or am I just angry that it wasted my time?"

With a threadbare story and failing significantly to reach already low expectations, The Emoji Movie is arguably the worst movie of the summer. And this is the same summer that brought us the The Mummy (2017) and that's say something! Everything it does has been done before and better, and what it manages to do differently is so cynically implemented and poorly thought out. This isn't a movie, it's a tweet that's grown sentient.

Final Grade: 💩💩💩💩💩

Atomic Blonde

Year: 2017

Genre: Action

Directed: David Leitch

Stars: Charlize Theron, James McAvoy, Eddie Marsan, John Goodman, Toby Jones, James Faulkner, Roland Moller, Sofia Boutella, Bill Skarsgard, Sam Hargrave, Johannes Haukur Johannesson, Til Schweiger

Production: Focus Features

Based on the graphic novel “The Coldest City” by Antony Johnston, Atomic Blonde is a tough, bruising, causally smart, infinitely stylish thriller that often times feels like the perfect palette cleanser for an abysmally boring blockbuster season. The film may be set in winter and its hard R-rating may steal away the coveted teen crowd but believe you, me, this thing is a rollicking summer movie attraction. It’s the kind of movie attraction that takes the best aspects of glamorized espionage thrillers and adds the pulpy distinctiveness of a Walter Hill movie. And you get Charlize Theron playing a stone-cold killer too? Man, why haven’t you bought your ticket yet?

The aforementioned Theron plays Lorraine Broughton, an MI6 operative sent on a recovery mission in Berlin circa 1989. Seems a list of every double agent on both sides of the iron curtain has fallen into the hands of a low-level Stazi agent and it’s now up to Broughton to bring him to the west. Aiding/obstructing her in this mission are a nest of spies from all corners, including MI6 field head gone native David Percival (McAvoy), CIA envoy Emmett Kurzfeld (Goodman), sultry French secret agent Delphine Lasalle (Boutella) a boatload of expendable KGB operatives thrown in, because who else would be the obvious bad guys?

Director David Leitch effortlessly builds on the film’s narrative to construct strong visual kinetics and retro-cool gildings that harkens back to a very explosive place, time and mindset. Whenever we’re given a respite from the film’s pulse-pounding action, we can drink in the psychology, the sociology and the history of a city torn apart for generations and for which the film cheekily insists is not what it’s about. Just like John Wick (2014) (which Leitch co-directed), the mis en scene is a mish-mash of tones, tunes and fashions but here the excess of cool is actually informing something.

I feel like I've seen this before only sh***ier

In all reality a movie of this stripe; i.e. a retrograde spy movie with a name actress playing a sexpot terminator, doesn’t need to do all this. Give me a few choice shootouts and a memorable villain saying “das vedanya,” and it’d be well worth its Salt (2010). But Atomic Blonde beats out the competition by being an absolute workhorse of cinematography, stunts and tactile special effects. Everything this cast and crew does is just that much harder to pull off and as a result, scenes like the 8-9 minute long-take are just that much better.

Of course the movie also doesn’t need to weave a web of deceit in the ballpark of a John le Carre novel, which is where the movie wonders into the tall weeds. Most of the story is told in flashback by Broughton to her handlers, post-operation. Halfway through the movie it becomes apparent that everyone’s lying - she’s lying, the handlers are lying, the characters in Broughton’s story are lying and the question remains is about what and why. It at times feels perfunctory and needlessly confusing especially when you consider the film has a set time-clock in the form of November 9, 1989 – the date the Berlin Wall came tumbling down. What’s the point in wrapping your head around names like “Spyglass” and “Satchel” when none of it will matter a month from the film’s events?

Gratuitous sex scene in three, two, one...

Okay, so maybe Atomic Blonde doesn’t have the makings of a true classic. But what it does well it does incredibly, exceedingly, near-impossibly well and offers no less than some of the most punishingly intense, wildly entertaining, hand-to-hand combat sequences since The Raid (2011). If you’ve been yawning all summer like I have, do yourself a favor and take a bracing ice bath with the rough-and-tumble, hard-nosed, Stoli drinking spies of Berlin. I promise you won’t regret it.

Final Grade: B

The Little Hours

Year: 2017
Genre: Comedy
Directed: Jeff Baena
Stars: Alison Brie, Dave Franco, Kate Micucci, Aubrey Plaza, John C. Reilly, Molly Shannon, Fred Armisen, Jemima Kirke, Nick Offerman, Lauren Weedman, Paul Reiser, Paul Weitz
Production: Bow and Arrow Entertainment

The Little Hours is loosely based on a short story written by Giovanni Boccaccio and chronicled in his infamous "Decameron Tales". It tells the story of a charlatan pretending to be a deaf-mute who reluctantly winds up in the service of a group of curious, sexually repressed nuns. The original story was meant to be a humorous and salacious satire of the church and the sexual mores of the time. More than six centuries later one wonders if the lessons of “Tale 1, Day 3” are really all that relevant.

In da garden devidah baby!

Of course they are, and arguably more than ever but that doesn’t stop The Little Hours from being a drag that barely manages to coax a smile. The movie for all its inspired and ribald comedic setups can’t help but feel like an elongated Saturday Night Live (1975-Present) skit or being on the outside of an inside joke.

And this is despite the movie featuring an all-star comedic cast. You’ve got Alison Brie playing the prissy Alessandra, Aubrey Plaza definitely playing to her strengths as the eye-rolling Fernanda and Kate Micucci rounding out the central trio as the mousy Ginerva. It’s when these three luminous actresses are on the screen together, discussing trivialities - avoiding conversations about the new errand boy (Franco) that this movie truly shines. Micucci especially has a knack for improvisational dialogue that is both quippy and natural, meshing easily with Plaza’s bitchy-witchy performance which by this point is second nature.

...very second nature.

When it comes to the men however, the film feels like a squandered opportunity. Much like in Walk Hard (2007), John C. Reilly plays his character straight, with an admirable amount of restraint. Yet because the film never edges towards the absurd, his drunken priest never feels more than just a well-meaning hypocrite. Fred Armisen likewise does a commendable job (his brief stint provided yours truly with the only real laugh the entire movie). But again, he feels like he’s schlepping in from another movie.

You suck!

Dave Franco’s serial adulterer fairs the worst, having a near infinite amount of comedic possibilities but still winding up no more than a piece of meat. When he’s on screen, it’s easy to tell most the dialogue is improvised because nearly every run-in with the nuns involve him nodding his head and smiling wearily. Let it be said that in a movie full of blasphemy, sexual seductions and absurd curiosities the fact that Dave Franco is the de facto object of affection is probably the biggest joke of all.

Was this what you were going for?

Isn’t there like, a whole sub-genre of movies that exist solely to get your jollys off of nuns with bad habits? Is The Little Hours supposed to be a parody of those movies or is it really just about retelling Boccaccio’s sordid tale? If so, Pier Paolo Pasolini arguably did it better and managed to make a movie that was both funnier and statelier than what comes across here. I think they were reaching for Robert Downey Jr.’s mock trailer in Tropic Thunder (2008) but what they got was a slightly better version of Your Highness (2011). If you haven’t seen this movie yet, count your blessings.

Final Grade: C-

Maudie

Year: 2017
Genre: Biography
Directed: Aisling Walsh
Stars: Sally Hawkins, Ethan Hawke, Kari Matchett, Gabrielle Rose, Zachary Bennett, Billy MacLellan, Marthe Bernard, Lawrence Barry, David Feehan
Production: Landscape Entertainment

There is quote by Kurt Vonnegut that comes to mind when I think of Maudie, the latest film based on the real life and times of an artist. "Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something." That may sound like a backhanded compliment but if Maud Lewis was portrayed accurately in the film, I doubt she'll mind. To her painting wasn't a source of ego or pride. It was something she just did - to make herself happy - and if it made others happy all the better.

The film picks up with Maudie, played with understated sensitivity by Sally Hawkins, as she struggles and fails to earn the respect of her family. Despite her severe arthritis, Maudie answers an advert for a live-in maid and runs away. She moves in with and eventually marries the crotchety Everett Lewis (Hawke), a fishmonger who manages to put on a grim smile but once over the film's 40+ year time span. After a time living in Everett's dimly lit squalor, Maudie relights her passion for painting using abandoned cork board and the walls of her new home to paint continuously.

The true-life Maudie was eventually considered Canada's most popular and prolific folk artist; though one could hardly tell given the solitude that follows Maudie throughout her life. In the film, she remains isolated, largely due to her debilitating arthritis and painful shyness around strangers. There's one awkward scene early on where Maud struggles to shuffle out of a doorway and stick her head out long enough to compliment a woman's shoes. In that moment we realize her deep desire to be both accepted and left alone.

The film aptly compliment's the artist's own frailties and unconventionality with a strikingly brittle and unconventional love story. Maud's warmth towards Everett is sincere and unconditional. She sees in him, a beautiful person - an outcast like her who has been made wild by the cruelties of life but nevertheless deserves her love. As open as Maudie is to the inner-beauties of a warm sunset, Everett remains as cold and brutal as a winter storm. Yet every time he "puts a foot down," he wordlessly capitulates. He grumbles and erupts in objectively despicable behavior but Maud always seems to convince him that he's capable of love and being loved.

The film continues down this path of bittersweet co-dependence and as the relationship develops, we see the results of Maud's patience and virtue. Thanks to the remarkably assured cinematography of Guy Godfree, the film crackles with natural beauty and warmth of a cozy hearth. There are some truly breathtaking natural vistas on display here, which despite their expanse manage to feel intimate and idyllic.

As a film Maudie is certainly within the ranks of Mr. Turner (2014), My Left Foot (1989) and Lust for Life (1956). Much like those films, Maudie centers on the life of a tortured artist whose personal story tells something truly meaningful about the human condition. It also has a truly award-worthy performance by Sally Hawkins who is at this point in a class of her own.

Final Grade: B

Girls Trip

Year: 2017
Genre: Comedy
Directed: Malcolm D. Lee
Stars: Regina Hall, Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Tiffany Haddish, Larenz Tate, Mike Colter, Kate Walsh, Kofi Siriboe, Lara Grice, Deborah Ayorinde, Janeline Hayes, Ricky Wayne
Production: Universal Pictures

This movie is clearly not meant for me. Watching Girls Trip, I was about as out of my element as a foreign exchange student invited to a Quinceanera. Yet within Girls Trip's raunchy, immature frames lurks the ever present reminder of why I personally love going to the movies. Like any great medium of art, film connect us - it engages with audiences in meaningful ways and ask them to put themselves in the shoes of others. Such it is with Girls Trip a movie that beautifully juggles its ladies-on-the-prowl A-story with black woman empowerment sensibilities to yield a movie that I for one truly latched onto. It's also helps that it's f***ing funny to boot!

On behalf of condescending men everywhere...

We're introduced to the "Flossy Posse" via Regina Hall's expository voice-over. There's the rebellious Sasha (Latifah), the troublemaker Dina (Haddish) and den mother Lisa (Pinkett Smith) and of course ambitious queen bee Ryan (Hall), all of whom have drifted in and out of each other's lives since college. After the release of her latest book, and the promise of a talk show co-hosted by Ryan's retired football star husband (Colter), Ryan decides it's time to reconnect with her college friends. Thus they all take a trip to the Big Easy for the annual Essence Festival where, as the trailer suggests, the foursome causes enough trouble to give the guys from The Hangover (2009) a run for their money.

Bawdy, outrageous humor aside, Girls Trip aptly reinforces its themes with easygoing chemistry and solid characterization from all actresses involved. The characters, while obviously exaggerated archetypes, nevertheless feel incredibly real when placed in the all-important context of black sisterhood. Similarly themed films like the middling Rough Night (2017) mined its story elements (and humor) from easy internal conflicts between the characters. Here however the conflicts are largely external - Ryan's marriage becoming the film's focal point while her minor conflict with Sasha is a distant second.

I love you guys, but if you cross me I'll cut you #sorrynotsorry

It's a small change but one that yields interesting dynamics and feeds into an empowering unifying theme. It's a theme that feels obvious by the end but remains sincere until the credits roll with the girls constantly cheerleadering and supporting each other through various difficulties. Seeing the verdant possibilities in this, director Malcolm D. Lee injects a fun, easygoing energy into the proceedings. The film wonders through various comedic avenues (granted not all of them great) taking the time to really get to know the characters and bask in their closely-knit bond. And It's clear from all the natural banter that the actors themselves were given an atmosphere to really let loose.

And let loose they do with some of the most shocking, crass and uproariously funny bits I've seen in a movie so far this year. All four do their fair share of outrageous stunts though for her efforts Tiffany Haddish's Dina is almost always consistently on another level. She's the hair-trigger id of the "Flossy Posse;" a loyal one woman force of nature who is a mix between Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids (2011) and Samantha from Sex and the City (1998-2004), turnt to 11 for the purposes of making the Farrelly Brothers blush. All the other actresses involved should win some kind of award for sharing the screen with her and not busting a gut.

Perhaps we can start out with a clementine

Pound for pound, Girls Trip is the funniest movie of the year. It's a foul-mouthed, effortlessly crass tour-de-force of comedy that also has the benefit of being an ode to true friendship. Those who have experienced the bonds of sisterhood firsthand should bring the whole squad to see this hilarious movie. If on the other hand you're outside the prime demographic you should still do yourself a favor and watch it. If for no other reason than you'll never look at a grapefruit the same way again.

Final Grade: B+

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Year: 2017
Genre: Sci-Fi Adventure
Directed: Luc Besson
Stars: Dane DeHaan, Cara Delevingne, Clive Owen, Rihanna, Ethan Hawke, Herbie Hancock, Kris Wu, Sam Spruell, Alain Chabat, Rutger Hauer,
Production: River Road Entertainment

I'm not going to lie, I was looking forward to Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. The production team behind it, in combination with the history of the IP (not to mention the absolutely bonkers trailer) made it seem like Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) level intensity was the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, we were looking at a Jupiter Ascending (2015) a la, a movie with enough sheer lunacy to justify a watch despite being seriously flawed.

Not since Flash Gordon (1980) has there been sci-fi so amazingly dumb.

So it's to my surprise and partially to my chagrin that Valerian is neither of these things - not really. It is a painfully sincere movie that is positively aglow with its own ingenuity, like a toddler is with his own finger painting. And believe it or not, that kind of innocent hubris does save Valerian from quite of few scrapes and contrivances here and there. Yet when the day is done, there's no denying director Luc Besson's newest sci-fi space adventure is simultaneously too sloppy and too well made to enjoy.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is based on a series of French science fiction comics which chronicle the adventures of Valerian (DeHaan) a roguish space cop and his damsel-esque partner Laureline (Delevingne). After their latest mission inadvertently puts them in possession of the film's magical sci-fi maguffin, they make their way to the fabled space city of Alpha. Once they get there however, all hell breaks loose and our heroes find themselves scrabbling to rescue their superior, Commander Filitt (Owen) from an unknown group of aliens.

The highs of this movie are near euphoric with some of the most creative and convincing examples of world-building seen this side of blockbuster cinema. The technology, the habitats the creature design et al. are all so refreshingly fun with the city of Alpha being the clear standout of all the marvelous filigree. Alpha at times feels like an ever shifting character in the film, assimilating worthwhile ideas from Star Trek (1966-1969), "John Carter of Mars," "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" and all points in between. What's more, the worlds that are created here, you feel like you can come right out and touch them. They practically beg to be explored and thanks in part to the script, you get a decent if breezy tour of Alpha via Valerian and Laureline's fast-paced adventure.

Yet the lows in this movie are almost embarrassingly low, with every bad decision sticking out like Chris Tucker in cheetah print. The problems start almost immediately. Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne for all their efforts are sorely miscast as our heroes; trying desperately to pull off a Han/Leia vibe with the chemistry of flat soda. Much of it can't be helped of course; partially due to their age they look less like grizzled space cops whom by their own admission "have seen it all," and more like children playing dress up. You can also just tell what little direction they were given was limited to them hitting their mark and reading their lines, never mind emoting or interacting with the space in any meaningful way.

...Ok kids but don't be late for supper, we're having meatloaf!

There's also the issue of the plot, which on its own merits is fine and even a little illuminating on paper. Yet due to the way the story unfolds, we're given everything we need to piece together the themes very early on. Its clear Luc Besson (who also wrote the screenplay) doesn't want to bog the movie down too much with Avatar (2009) -level messaging. Gadgetry can be argued to be its own reward. But because the movie is in such a rush to whisk us to the next show-stopping set-piece, it all but ignores its problematic elements. Elements that include but are not limited to: a simple "noble savage" vs. militaristic boogeyman narrative, human (alien) trafficking being treated as a fumbled plot device, an alien race modeled after feudal Japanese stereotypes that actually eats people...

Even Uncle Remus thinks this s**ts messed up...

Yet despite big, big, BIG problems, Valerian still manages to eek out enough good ideas worthy of a tacit recommendation. The bustling city of Alpha, reminiscent of Venice during the Renaissance or Baghdad at the height of the Abbasids is certainly worth a look. Of course if the imagination inherent in a far-future sci-fi smorgasbord isn't enough to entice you, and you're more concerned with say story, plot etc. then I say read the graphic novels instead.

Final Grade: C

Dunkirk

Year: 2017
Genre: War Drama
Directed: Christopher Nolan
Stars: Fionn Whitehead, Aneurin Barnard, Barry Keoghan, Mark Rylance, Tom Glynn-Carney, Tom Hardy, Jack Lowden, Kenneth Branagh, Will Attenborough, James D'Arcy, Cillian Murphy, Harry Styles, Matthew Marsh, Adam Long, Harry Richardson
Production: Warner Bros.

There's no denying director Christopher Nolan has pretty much been crowned the torch-bearer for smart, contemporary, mainstream entertainment ever since The Dark Knight (2008). The fact that he backs up his visionary works with intelligently written screenplays and analog bonafides - such as real special-effects and shooting on film, only further engenders him to the minds of film aficionados. There's no denying he's one of us - a filmic omnivore and true believer in the power of the form who not only adores the trappings of his craft but is willing to subject his carefully crafted stories to obsession, scrutiny, and obsessive scrutiny a la constant fan theories.

Thus saying Nolan's newest movie Dunkirk isn't all that and a bag of potato chips, actually hurts to say. Whatever misgivings anyone has had about Nolan - his characters lack emotion, his stories too heady, his pacing, so syncopated as to be robotic, have all come home to roost in this one. What's more, you can add loud, fractured, disorienting and at only 102 minutes, overlong to the list of complaints.

Of course that may be part of the point. The evacuation of Dunkirk was, no doubt a fractured, loud and disorienting event for the over 450,000 soldiers who experienced it. The movie, re-cobbles the harrowing World War II military disaster from perspectives of land, sea and air; attempting to give the audience a fuller picture. The film opens with a nameless British soldier lining up on the beaches hoping for deliverance (Whitehead). We then jump to RAF pilots (Hardy and Lowden) providing what little air cover they can before tossing our hat in with Mark Rylance and his conscripted fishing trawler. In between these interweaving stories, we're reminded of the stakes by Commander Bolton (Branagh) who's exposition feels more like a godsend than a clunky add on.

Yet even then Dunkirk can't help but feel like an ordeal. The non-linear storytelling (not just told from varying perspectives but also out of sequence) does little to immerse the audience into the film's claustrophobic settings. It doesn't draw attention or make comment like Rashomon (1950). It doesn't create the illusion of omniscience like in The Thin Red Line (1998). And it certainly doesn't get into the head space of the characters like in Slaughterhouse-Five (1972). It winds up forcing the viewer to continually update their context, using brainpower to figure out the time of day instead of caring about whether Tom Hardy is going to win his dogfight.

Dunkirk does has a well received cousin in the form of A Bridge Too Far (1977), which similarly used fluid story dynamics and a large ensemble cast. In that regard Dunkirk improves on that formula by using mostly no-name and workmanlike character actors to do most of the heavy lifting. Yet A Bridge Too Far actually reached its climax. It did so through anticipation and dramatic irony. Dunkirk on the other hand starts at level eleven and stays there.

This is my IMAX, there are many like it, but this one's mine!

This is turning into a much more negative review than is warranted. Dunkirk is still, for all its faults, a worthwhile movie. There are some masterful shots in this film, the immediacy of the situation is always clear and present and the utility of the IMAX format is on full display. If you don't believe me you can take the word of Christopher Nolan himself. Also while the score by Hans Zimmer is likely to be polarizing to some, I for one found it aptly encompassed what the movie was trying to achieve (even if it is too much of a good thing).

Additionally the muted work of Fionn Whitehead, Aneurin Barnard, Cillian Murphy and the rest of the petrified soldiers is just excellent. With precious little dialogue and even less to differentiate themselves, these soldiers brilliantly capture the primal desperation and numbing exhaustion of the situation. Let it be said that out of all the sleek, heretofore unnecessary movie magic that Nolan employs, what saves this picture are the anonymous faces of horror who live or die based almost entirely on circumstance.

Final Grade: C+