Thursday, January 25, 2018

The Annual 2018 Laggys

It's that time of year again! No not Oscar season, who gives a s**t about that sweaty, desperate mound of pretty faces clamoring for attention? No, this is the time of year we, the dedicated folks of They Serve Popcorn in Hell (yes it's still just me) flashback to the past Wayne's World-style, to honor the sweaty, desperate mound of pretty faces from five years ago.

Let us take a moment to hearken back to the long away time of 2013 when the world anxiously awaited the arrival of the royal baby, CERN discovered evidence of the higgs boson and the word Sharknado finally entered the cultural lexicon. It was also a time of great stress however, the country had also just re-elected a lily-livered, gun grabbing, lying, cheating, irresponsible liberal to the highest office in the land all but guaranteeing the death of the great American experiment. Haha - it's so great to laugh again?

As you well know, as part of my tradition of obsessive movie watching and regret, I like to sidestep the usual Academy-fever that happens this time of year and instead focus on a made-up award I like to call The Laggys. Instead of honoring this year's movies which the Academy always (rarely) does, I delve into the past to find out whether the winners and nominees of half-a-decade really do stand the test of time.

And when it came to movies overall, 2013 was quite the doozy. Who can forget the incredibly well-received box office extravaganzas that were Man of Steel, Iron Man 3 and R.I.P.D.. With titles like those why even bother handing out awards? Yet that year the big winners come award season were: 12 Years a Slave, American Hustle, Gravity, Frozen, The Great Beauty and Dallas Buyers Club.

I personally believe you should hand every movie coming through the tubes a big 'ol golden statue just for existing! Saving Mr. Banks - you get an award! 47 Ronin - you get an award! Hangover Part III - you, you actually don't get anything, you were just, just awful. However I'd like to know what you think. Which, in your opinion, of these (already pre-chosen) films deserved the Oscar on that fateful Seth MacFarlane hosting night (yikes).

As per usual, the nominees were chosen by a secret cabal of mind-reading sea monkeys who expressed their choices via bio-luminescent algae patterns. Science was used to come up with these choices so don't f**king question them! To vote you just go to https://survey.zohopublic.com/zs/jSCusL

Last Day is February 25, 2018

Here are this year's nominees:
Best Original Score
Best Animated Feature
 
 Best Documentary


Best Adapted Screenplay


 Best Original Screenplay


 Best Supporting Actress


 Best Supporting Actor

Best Actress


Best Actor

Best Director


Best Picture



Tuesday, January 2, 2018

The 2017 Yearbook


It's that time of year again! It's time to once again take stock and inform you of all the stuff I saw this year. As of now my list of every movie ever seen is at 4,494, or a little under halfway through my goal. The majority of the films I saw this year were in theaters but there were still a good handful of classics and forgotten gems I managed to catch. There was also a lot of trash...like a lot...of trash.
So without further ado I give you the 2017 yearbook; complete - as per usual - with a list of superlatives.



2017 Superlatives

Best Movies I Probably Should Have Seen Sooner
I really didn’t see that many films outside of theaters this year. Part of that was because I really wanted to make a valiant effort to cover as many recent films as possible. To forge a work ethic that goes beyond writing only when I feel like it. That said I did manage to poke a few holes on my ever-growing watch list. Satochi Kon’s Perfect Blue was certainly worth my time, as was Emir Kusturica’s dark wartime satire Underground. Meanwhile Stalker only reinforced my case of impenetrability when it comes to Andrei Tarkovsky’s work. Murmur of the Heart also proved a disappointing introduction to Louis Malle. Ultimately I think I’m going to have to go with Bob Fosse’s psychological and psychedelic musical All That Jazz and Akira Kurosawa’s retooling of Macbeth Throne of Blood as my two winners this year. Both are just tremendous.

Worst Franchise Killers

Oh boy, there certainly were a few of these this year. Pirates of the Caribbean 4…5 (whatever) definitely was an early contender in this category. And if I had actually watched Transformers 4…5 (whatever), that may have taken the proverbial cake here. That said, I may just have to go with the loudest and most publicized crashes and burns this year. The Mummy put the kibosh on Universal Studio’s plans to create a Universal Monster expanded universe which, if you ever bother to watch The Mummy, you’ll see it was a bad idea from inception. Justice League, while not as awful as some other possibilities nevertheless underperformed and likely sent unwelcomed shockwaves through Warner Bros.


Most Creative Movies
Say what you will about 2017, the year did have a host of interesting and unique movies popping up in theaters for two, three weeks at a time. A Ghost Story, Columbus, Brigsby Bear and Dave Made a Maze certainly had their charm, while Mother! practically drowned its audience in creativity in all its perversity. Patti Cake$ kept the torch of creativity alive while on video Touki Bouki, The Girl with All the Gifts and Genuine were new, fun and exciting. I’d also be remised if I didn’t mention Homo Sapien a movie…that I watched…that’s, that it.

But if I must choose only two films to fit this category I’m going to have to call out Colossal and The Lure; two films that celebrate bold ideas and captivating hearts while doing so. Admittedly I wasn’t a big fan of The Lure when it was first released but it has stuck with me all throughout the year mostly because of its catchy tunes. Colossal has also stuck with me but mostly because the flick is so ceaselessly entertaining and fun. Check both of these films out if you can.


Most Human
What exactly is meant by most human? Well it could in the broadest sense encapsulate a breadth of honest emotion such as in Pedro Almodovar’s Julieta. It could also mean the exploration of a specific emotion or mood such as in Mudbound, I, Daniel Blake and A Monster Calls. It could be finding peace in the mundane such as in Paterson or Columbus, or finding solace in the complexities of human emotion such as Asghar Farhadi’s The Salesman.

Ultimately I decided on a mix between the mundane and profound, the simple and complex, the social and personal. John Schlesinger’s early 60’s A Kind of Loving and Sean Baker’s sophomore effort The Florida Project are in my mind the most “real” films I’ve seen this year. Both are honest to a fault – one for accurately depicting the tenability of romantic love and the imprint left behind, and the other for showcasing extreme poverty and the struggles of maintaining innocence in a harsh and cruel world. Both are strikingly beautiful in their own shaggy dog way and both are worth a watch if you have the time.


Biggest Disappointments
There were quite a few movies that missed the mark for me. In theaters Power Rangers and The Belko Experiment both promised fun but failed to deliver. The Last Word should win its own award for completely wasting actress Shirley MacLaine, while on video Castro and After the Battle proved to me that there are some hoity-toity foreign films that don’t deserve an American release.

As far as taking the cake however, I have to give this Superlative to Alexander Payne’s infuriating film Downsizing and Hitoshi Matsumoto’s deadpan-to-the-point-of-being-just-plain-dead Scabbard Samurai. One is the story of a world where people can shrink themselves down to the size of an ant. One is the story of a samurai who has 30 days to make the bereaved son of his daimyo laugh or else commit seppuku. Both DO NOT take advantage of their premise.


Movies That Restore My Faith in Humanity
While I’ve never been one to enjoy syrupy crowd-pleasers I did see my fair share of decent films that managed to put a smile on my cold, lifeless face. Maudie definitely did quite a number with its brittle humor while Lady Bird and 20th Century Women both reminded me of how much I like Greta Gerwig. Sleight is an underrated February release that initially made me feel optimistic for the year. Finally I can’t end without mentioning the dance documentary Step and the fall season kid’s movie Wonder.

I gotta say though, when it comes to fun, heartwarming and earned sentiment – Patti Cake$ became my real MVP. It’s a movie that knows how to make its audience happy and provides some really fun music to boot. Then of course there’s Stronger which was a little darker but nevertheless had one of the best pick-me-ups at the end of the movie. If you’re looking for the best in people, definitely check these two films out.



…And Then Make Me Lose it Again
Of course the realities we all must face; that everything sucks, we all die alone and Santa Claus is a lie – can be best typified by good films like Killing of a Sacred Deer and bad films like The Book of Henry. The winners this year however must certainly be Darren Aronofsky’s oppressive Mother! and a little film I found called A Shock to the System. Mother! needs no explanation if you’ve seen it. The darn thing is so balls-to-the-wall nihilistic that it made me want to take a shower. A Shock to the System stars Michael Caine as an aging American Psycho-type who finds liberation in living a life without consequence. Definitely seek it out, the movie is diabolical.

Biggest WTF Moments
2017 had its fair share of WTF moments (more than half of which came from the White House if we’re being honest). Gladiator fights between Gods and hulks, maneating, musical mermaids, rampaging superpigs, P.T. Barnum becoming an apparent symbol of diversity, Rooney Mara eating pie…With all that said however, there were two moments from movies this year that got ever-so-slightly ahead of the pack. Two seemingly minor moments that nevertheless made quite the impact of yours truly.

The first came from the film Raw, a French-language film about a veterinary student who discovers she has a taste for human flesh. Since Raw was not widely seen, I won’t spoil anything lest to say once you get to the moment I’m thinking of, you’ll know it.

…The second: milking the sea monster in Last Jedi. I personally loved the latest Star Wars installment but seriously guys…

Best Looking Films
I have to say, there were a couple of truly beautiful looking films I saw this year. In theaters there was the nocturnal nerve of Good Time, the bright warmth of The Florida Project, the unabashedly 80’s aesthetic of Atomic Blonde and the structural integrity of Columbus. At home I managed to catch Romanian New Wave fixture Scarred Hearts and the famed Masaki Kobayashi horror anthology Kwaidan both of which were truly enrapturing. The winners of this particularly tough superlative however have to be Blade Runner 2049 and Chan-Wook Park’s The Handmaiden.


Funniest Films
2017 was arguably the year funny women made a splash and took over the movie theater. The year started with 20th Century Women which was full of humor as well as warmth but it certainly didn’t compare to what I caught later on. On video I held myself over with The Slums of Beverly Hills starring the hilarious Natasha Lyonne, before plunging back into theaters for the underrated Snatched, then the fairly disappointing The Little Hours. I then finished the year the latest Gillian Robespierre/Jenny Slate team-up Landline now on Amazon.

There were some decent boy-centric movies too: LEGO Batman and Spider-Man: Homecoming but neither held a torch to this year’s queens of comedy: the satirical Ingrid Goes West and the bawdy Girls Trip. The first one lampooned today’s social media obsessed culture without coming across as out-of-touch and preachy. The second managed to take nearly the same premise as Rough Night and dial up the raunchy, the crazy and the funny.


Best Action Sequences
Surprisingly for a year that had nine superhero movies, there weren’t that many downright incredible action sequences in them this year. Honestly, despite all the bells and whistles of watching Spider-Man and Vulture battle it atop an invisible plane,  I much preferred watching Bruce Lee kick a** in Fist of Fury on video. Outside superhero-dom however there were a few gems. The lightsaber scene from Last Jedi (you know which one), Kong’s helicopter battle in Kong: Skull Island, and the last battle in War for the Planet of the Apes just to name a few.

When taking physicality into account along with special-effects and overall “wow” factor, there’s little denying that Wonder Woman’s village liberation and Charlize Theron’s bruising protection of Eddie Marsan are the real MVP’s in this category. Not only are each of these scenes technical and physical marvels but they also leave an impact on their respective stories that feel immediate and satisfying.


Most in Need of a Remake
Is it just me or did the long awaited biopic of Tupac Shakur really suck? The actor they casted to play him definitely looked the part, but he and the wanting script by Jeremy Haft, Eddie Gonzalez and Steven Bagatourian definitely led to one of the biggest disappointments of the summer. Still Tupac’s life and art merits to be told on the big screen and here’s to hoping that in a few short years the stars will align to give us the biographical epic we know we deserve.

Other than a remake/reimagining of All Eyez on Me, I think we also need a remake of the MS3TK maligned At the Earth’s Core. As a story sporting tons of steampunk filigree, and a basic premise that has been done with moderate success in Journey to the Center of the Earth, At the Earth’s Core has just enough inspired ridiculousness to warrant a good ol’ fashioned remake.




Most Underrated
Underrated: not necessarily great, just good enough to be reconsidered as more than just pabulum. I mentioned earlier that Snatched was…okay. Murder on the Orient Express, Monster Trucks and the impossibly titled Roman J. Israel Esq. also are worth a second (or first) glance. On DVD there’s the oft ignored Rise of the Guardians as well as the sweetly British Paddington. I also caught the Mexican version of Dracula and I got to tell you, it was pretty grand!

But if you’re looking for a movie recommendation that’s sure to not disappoint despite bad reviews, you’re going to need to check out the long forgotten Table 19 and the popular but maligned How to Be a Latin Lover. As far as comedies go, you probably won’t be disappointed with either so I say rent them if you get the chance.


Most Overrated
Another year, another Andrei Tarkovsky film makes it as part of this particular superlative. I’m going through the filmography little by little and I swear once I’m up to it, I’ll try them again but for now I’m still contending that the late “great” Russian director makes his objectively beautiful films far too cryptic and meditative to enjoy. Stalker is pretty high up there on the pretention-meter. Somewhere between Andrei Rublev and The Sacrifice.

Also Personal Shopper makes this list…because screw Olivier Assayas and Kristen Stewart!


Worst Exploitation of Tragedy
I just can’t get by the New Year without venting just one more time about Patriots Day. Seriously, what a crap movie, oozing with exploitative hand-wringing and false pomposity; I nearly wanted to kill Mark Wahlberg’s character all throughout. Detroit also has no idea how to cover a historical event with any sense of scope or theme but by comparison, Detroit is f**king Citizen Kane. Not only is Patriots Day lazy, not only is Patriots Day sloppy, it also has the gall to effectively piss on the tireless efforts of law enforcement during the Boston Marathon bombing so that Mark Wahlberg can pull off his “I stopped a terrorist plot” fantasy.
 


Best Titles
This superlative was made specifically for two movies, though that’s not to say there wasn’t a good amount of decent titles this year. We had the quite literal titles of Good Time and The Great Wall which delivered by giving their respective audiences’ a “good time” and exhibiting a “great wall” respectively. Battle of the Sexes was also a pretty appropriate title as was Midnight Meat Train a horror movie I won’t soon forget.

But of course the obvious winners this year have to be the shaggy-dog hipster fantasy Dave Made a Maze and Martin McDonagh’s newest black comedy Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. As you can imagine, both won by the power of their mouthy titles and giving us films that went beyond the title to entertain.


Most in Need of the MS3TK Treatment
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is back baby!!! You bet you’re a** I caught up on all the newest episodes and you bet your a** I put every movie from the season up on this yearbook. Don’t judge, they f**king count so long as I understand what’s going on in the story. Telling me they don’t count is like saying Gold didn’t count because I was distracted by some jerk’s phone the entire time.

Speaking of which, you bet Gold was on the shortlist for this category. A Cure for Wellness, Suburbicon, Ghost in the Shell likewise had the requisite bloated sense of self to be excellently parodied on the long-running series. The winners this year however have to be the mega-disappointment that is Stephen King’s The Dark Tower and Live by Night; Ben Affleck’s sorry attempt to make a period crime drama. I can just see Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot tearing these things to shreds and with at least one of these things being more than 2-hours long, they’d have to cut it down to the length of the show…which would probably improve it.

Best Movies with the Word “Wonder” in it
“Wonder” seems to be the word this year. Wonder, Wonderstruck, Wonder Wheel – so many wonders came out of this year which makes you wonder who stole the better title ideas? Oddly enough to two best movies to feature the word “wonder” both kinda-sorta involve the same subject matter – that being Wonder Woman.

So of course the first film to win the big umm title, is DC’s Wonder Woman; a movie that proved that you can in-fact make a good movie out of a DC property that doesn’t involve Batman. The second film on the docket is Professor Marston and the Wonder Women which focuses its narrative on the unconventional life of William Moulton Marston the creator of Wonder Woman.


Best in Show
Despite being a relatively so-so year in movies, there were a few in theaters and on video/Netflix/Amazon that managed to impress me. Early this year I caught A Monster Calls in theaters which definitely set the bar high. When February rolled around Get Out caught my eye and too be honest it’s held my top spot for theatrical all the way through, fending off Mother!, Ingrid Goes West, The Florida Project and Star Wars.

In the realm of home release the competition was a lot stiffer. I finally got around to watching last year’s The Handmaiden which positively blew me away. All That Jazz, Netflix’s Mudbound, the 80’s feminist film A Question of Silence and Akira Kurosawa’s excellent Throne of Blood all left quite an impression on me. Oddly enough however, the choice ended up being a toss-up between two very good documentaries: I Am Not Your Negro and 13th. It was a super tough decision but I ultimately went with I Am Not Your Negro based solely on its ability to weave its themes into the personal story of influential civil rights writer James Baldwin.
 
And now for the rest of the yearbook...