Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Sex Tape

Year: 2014
Genre: Comedy, Sex Comedy
Directed: Jake Kasdan
Stars: Cameron Diaz, Jason Segel, Rob Corddry, Rob Lowe, Ellie Kemper, Nat Faxon
Production: Sony Pictures

Sex Tape breaks the cardinal rule of comedy: It’s not funny. I realize humor is highly subjective but I watched it in a theater full of the prime demographic (underage teens who snuck in and the Happy Madison crowd) and a pin could be heard dropping due to the lack of laughter. What’s more, Sex Tape couldn’t even satisfy on a prurient level. That’s right, a movie called Sex Tape didn’t even titillate.


Get ready for years of therapy kid
Even I understand the "Cloud" dingus
Muppets: After Dark
Ultimately “Sex Tape” follows “No Strings Attached” and “A Good Old Fashioned Orgy” in the unnecessary trend of raunchy sex-related comedies that are light on both sex and comedy despite having some pretty impressive casts. I put money on the DVD release putting emphasis on the “unrated” version providing no extra skin but cheaper, dumber jokes that were taken out for good reason. If I were you I’d just save your money.

The story begins with Annie (Cameron Diaz), mother of two, reminiscing over the glory days when her husband Jay (Jason Segel in his 5th role playing a character named Jay or Jason) and her used to go at it like rabbits. Cue the montage of “comedic” sex scenes which conveniently cover up the good bits. After the two realize things aren’t how they used to be, they come up with the idea of making a three hour sex tape. Due to a synching mix-up, Jay accidently delivers the sex tape to friends and family including Annie’s possible business partner and their own children.
Okay, let’s say you buy into the unlikely scenario and let’s say that two people who make their living on the computer (she’s a blogger, he’s a music exec) don’t know how “the Cloud” works or know how to remotely remove the video; I doubt you’d swallow the frenzy of half-concocted ways they attempt to get the video back. Jay nearly get’s mauled by a German Shepherd and Annie does cocaine when they simply could have said “Hey I need my iPad back, there are a few things synched on it that I don’t want you to see.” Simple, quick, to the point and doesn’t have to involve breaking and entering. But hey, this is a comedy…things don’t have to make sense.
And make sense they certainly don’t. Absurd moments meant to be funny include Rob Lowe’s straight businessman rocking out to Slayer with pictures of his face imprinted on Disney iconography hang in the background, Jack Black playing a porn proprietor taking two minutes to list off the competition and Rob Corddry and Ellie Kemper having sex in a minivan; none of which is funny. I think I let out a brief, fleeting chuckle twice. I laughed more watching “Saving Private Ryan” than this movie. All I was thinking while watching it was how far the two leads have just fallen. It’s surprising that a movie of such abominable quality can be penned by Segel and Nick Stoller, the duo responsible for The Muppets reboot.
You fools! Foools!


Final Grade: F

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Thoughts from the Usher Podium: Go West Young Man


Once again we're headed past them there hills!

It has sense been over a month since I last wrote on this blog. There is a reason for this, in the past few months I haven't been watching as many films as I should to keep up with my goal. Life as it were, takes unexpected and occasionally marvelous turns. In the past few months I have gained employment in Mesa, Arizona far and away from my home in Lansing, Michigan. Within a few weeks I had to settle all debts including last month's rent, move all our knick-knacks and such to my parents house and perform triage on my stuff. I could only bring the bare-essentials since we couldn't afford a U-Haul so we packed what we absolutely needed into the back of an air-condition-less 2002 Chevy Malibu.
Like being birthed in a new frightening world

I'll spare the details of my trip since my luck was truthfully better than my first experience out west via Greyhound. Besides, all incidents that did occur only make me look foolish. After two and a half days, I finally made it to my new home. My lady was waiting for me when I got there. She decided to go early to find employment of her own and unlike me she has family in Arizona. She drew a bath for me as I hadn't bathed or changed clothes at all during that time. I cringed in the fetal position in the tub until all the layers of dirt, dust and sweat finally dissipated; sucking down bottles upon bottles of water.


One thing they don't tell you in the travel brochure is everything in Arizona is trying to kill you. With an average summer temperature over 100 degrees, a catalog of poisonous arachnids and reptiles not to mention the fire ants and crappy drivers I'm surprised everyone in Arizona is so chill. Everyone we've met has been helpful, the city is surprisingly easy to navigate through (except for the aforementioned drivers) and there are plenty of places to find free bottled water. The people here are so friendly that it almost makes you forget you're in the "show me your papers" State. Still the sun has been so harsh the past few days my skin has gone from Frank Black to Barry White. It's like being baked in an oven while being smothered with a body pillow. We found an apartment, a grocery store, a coffee shop and a "we have everything" video rental; I'm officially broke.

Broke but employed and pretty happy. The only thing missing are a close-nit group of friends. Having moved multiple times I know friendship takes time and happens organically but I do miss the camaraderie and common interests from those I left behind. A close friend of mine, whose passion for movie watching matches yours truly has made it a habit of keeping in touch and sending correspondents.We have been asking each other to make lists of various movie subjects for our own entertainment. After a few back and forths, we decided our musings would make good blogspot fodder. So without further ado, here's whats been on our collective movie-crazed mind. For the ease of the reader, my correspondents will be in black while his will be in violet.

Top Three Product Placements in a Movie

3. Subway in Happy Gilmore (1996)
One of Adam Sandler's best films (and that's not saying much) also has one of the best product placements in all of cinema history. It's good because it's seamlessly interwoven with the story; Happy (Adam Sandler) can't quite raise enough money in time to save his Grandmother's house (Frances Bay) from being repossessed. So what does he do? He trades in his good name in the world of golf to sell Subway sandwiches in a TV commercial. What we end up with is a three-fer: A throwaway gag worth a chuckle, a part of the plot that doesn't seem out of place and a product being hawked in a non-awful way. If only Sandler's brand could be easily sold nowadays.
Why you got to break balls dude?
3. Twinkies in Zombieland (2009)
A world ridden with zombies, then you bring in Tallahassee.  The toughest mothaf***er you've ever seen. King Arthur's quest was to seek the Holy Grail. Woody Harrelson's quest is to seek the golden fluffy deliciousness that is a Hostess Twinkie, and when you make your product the only solace to a man in post-apocalyptic world, you're gonna see a rise in those profits.


2. Century 21st in Fright Night (2011)Let's paint the picture in case you haven't seen Fright Night. The main character Charley (Anton Yelchin) is cornered in the back of a pickup truck by the main villain, a vampire named Jerry (Colin Farrell). As Jerry explains how painful a stake to the heart is going to be to the cowering Charley, Charley's mother (Toni Collette) sneaks up behind Jerry and stabs him in the back with a 21st Century Real Estate sign. Jerry scampers away injured, the bright yellow sign always in view protruding out of Jerry's back as the band of heroes make their escape. Brilliant.
I hunger for competitive real-estate listings!

2. DeLoreonHere is how great this product placement is. I DON'T EVEN NEED TO SAY THE NAME OF THE MOVIE! This movie (Back to the Future (1985)) put Deloreons on the map. Everybody wants to be like Marty McFly and Everybody wants to travel in time. I still have a dream to own one myself and drive it at 88 Mph.  Here's the best part, I had a teacher who told me they are still able to sell these at a pretty expensive rate, but they are terrible cars. one problem is that since the doors are battery powered, if the battery dies you can't manually open the door. I think someone died as a result of that. but since Robert Zemeckis made a film that made it cool to own these, people are still driving around in this pricy metal death-trap.
Where we're going we don't need roads...

1. Coca-Cola in The Gods Must Be Crazy (1980)
Not only is Coca-Cola interwoven with the plot in The Gods Must Be Crazy, the product is the plot. Far from civilization a tribe of bushmen come across an empty Coke bottle and believe it to be a gift from the Gods. After realizing the bottle has introduced concepts of ownership, jealousy and malice to the tribe, one warrior bravely ventures to the edge of the world to return the bottle to the Gods. What better way to position yourself as the everlasting champion of soft drinks by downright declaring yourself a gift from the Gods.
All hail high-fructose!

1. Pepsi Pulse in World War Z (2013) (2nd Zombie Movie on this list, weird)
I'm pretty sure you said you hadn't seen the movie so I'll have to explain this bad-ass scene.  Brad Pitt has just gained immunity from the zombies, he has to make his way to the exit that the scientists blockaded for safety. So Pitt makes a distraction for the zombies. He breaks a Pepsi machine and a bunch of cans noisily clank out on to the linoleum floor. Pan up from these noisy cans to see Pitt relaxed for the first time in this edge-of-your seat thriller to see him leaning against the soda machine enjoying a nice can of Pepsi Pulse, then he casually walks toward the exit while hundreds of zombies are running towards the noise, with Pitt walking through a swarm of zombies drinking a soda. This is the coolest Brad Pitt has ever been in a movie; and he played Tyler Durden! He finds a cure to zombie infections, and saves the world because of Pepsi. Holy Shit is that a good product placement!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Let's Be Cops

Year: 2014
Genre: Comedy
Directed: Luke Greenfield
Stars: Jake Johnson, Damon Wayans Jr., Nina Dobrev, Rob Riggle, James D'Arcy, Andy Garcia, Keegan-Michael Key, Jonathan Lejoie
Production: 20th Century Fox


Don’t be fooled by the sophomoric title which conjures up images of idiots pretending to be cops to pick up chicks, get free things and otherwise act like fools in uniform…wait, that is what happens in this film. Still don’t be fooled by the title, the movie isn’t so much face-palming as it is just mildly and reliably silly.


The movie stars Jake Johnson of New Girl (2011-2014) fame as a burned out former college sports prodigy who’s currently unemployed and single in sunny Los Angeles. His roommate Damon Wayans Jr. is a videogame designer who struggles to bring his ideas to life thanks to a petrifying fear of taking initiative. His new game pitch involves a Grand Theft Auto-type RPG boasting an authentic beat cop experience. So authentic in fact, that he borrows real police uniforms to place on his presentation mannequins. His boss doesn't go for it but at least the two can become a hit at a costume party, thus beginning a ruse that grabs the attention of the ladies, the criminals and the LAPD.

The film adds very little to the buddy cop genre save a realistic performance by Rob Riggle as a legit Police officer. The villains are serviceable in menace and acting ability while love interest Nina Dobrev of the ever popular Degrassi: The Next Generation (2006-2009) is breathtaking T&A. The notion of Dobrev’s character aspiring to be a makeup artist and not an actress or model is about as silly as Fred Astaire aspiring to be a shoe-shiner. Try as they might the chemistry between the two leads is cordial but no where near the level of Murtaugh and Briggs, Cates and Hammond, Lee and Carter. At best they’re Freebie and the Bean (1974) without the pretense of already being A-List stars.

But let’s be real, this film isn’t trying to be the next Rush Hour (1998), and yes that is the new marker of quality. It’s a movie that tries to reassemble the old Blockbuster video crowd who rented Martin Lawrence’s National Security (2003) and All About the Benjamins (2002) a hundred times because old habits die hard and The Marine (2006) was already rented out. While Johnson and Wayans Jr. may not have the established fan base of Martin Lawrence or Ice Cube, there’s no denying the films refreshing lack of pretense and the actors’ enthusiasm towards the one-trick pony screenplay.

Let’s cut the BS, what it all comes down to in movies like this is can it make you laugh? The short answer is yes and not just scattered chuckles either. Is it worth a re-watch; probably not. There are some truly inspired moments many of which are provided by Keegan-Michael Key (If Key and Jordan Peele were cast as the hapless fake cops instead of Johnson and Wayans who knows how deliciously absurd this movie could have gotten). Yet the buddy-banter all feels recycled and the action sequences are mundane.

I tacitly approve even if Let’s Be Cops appeared too late on the scene to be relevant. Those who are limitedly exposed to the clichés of boys-in-blue-type cinema will find something to like, especially when their parents aren’t in the room. Those with more discerning taste might want to look the other way on this one, not because it’s offensive, dumb or bad but because it’s too little of anything.
Just this much better than I thought
Final Grade: D

Sunday, July 6, 2014

A Letter of Appreciation to Greyhound Buses

Recently I took a trip down to Phoenix, Arizona and decided to take the Greyhound bus. After a three day journey there, two full days there and two days back, I felt it appropriate to send Greyhound a letter of appreciation. Below is an actual letter I emailed to their human resource department. As of a three days ago, I have yet to receive a response.

Dear Greyhound Bus Services,


I am writing to you today to thank you for being such a pivotal part of my trip out west and arguably the most memorable travelling experience I have ever had in my life. I wanted to express my gratitude for your stellar, always efficient, always on time bus system, your superb customer service and competent staff who are always ready to help with a smile on their face. In addition to general respects to your company, I wanted to extend my accolades to as many people, places and events as I can recall. I will be as specific as possible to make sure those deserving of praise receive what I’ll assume is a bonus of some kind.

On June 24, 2014 I started my arduous journey from Lansing, Michigan to Phoenix, Arizona which took approximately three days. The first leg of my odyssey took me to Chicago, Illinois. That first bus trip was relatively uneventful. The bus was about twenty years old and had no air conditioning but I’m assuming it was an integral part of your classic transportation program and didn’t make a fuss. The next leg of my journey took me overnight express to St. Louis, Missouri. The bus driver was a very enigmatic man who complimented his thick Chinese accent with terse interactions between himself and the passengers. Hilarity ensued when he told passengers “Don’t come up here and bother me for any reason,” then informed us if we needed to know the time we should “buy a f***ing $1 watch.”


We were only one hour late by the time we got to St. Louis which actually worked out perfectly since it meant less of a layover. In St. Louis I switched buses so I can travel to Amarillo, Texas with stops in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Again I was blessed with being chauffeured in an antique only this time the air conditioning worked…in the front of the bus. Those in the back were blessed with the earthy scents of the rear bathroom and windows expertly designed by greenhouse manufacturers.

Dramatic re-interpretation of the bus toilet.
If I may, I would like to address the customer service representative who is no doubt reading this note with vigor. If you have the chance to ride one of your fine buses for long distances please do so. The passengers are an exciting cross-section of the American public. I was honored to sit with a single mother with a screaming toddler, a larger elderly woman with no concept of personal space, an Iraq War veteran with PTSD and outbursts that would make a sailor blush; a woman in her 20’s dressed like Tank Girl and a cowboy who weaved some pretty elaborate government conspiracy theories. Did you know ISIS is really financed by the Free Masons? The trip was very illuminating to say the least.


The driver who took us from St. Louis to Tulsa seemed friendly but flustered. Luckily there was a passenger in front with a GPS to ensure we would only miss our exit twice. The driver from Tulsa to Amarillo was in his final day of training but had enough confidence to inform the passengers that he was a former Sherriff. This little factoid became more relevant when we nearly ran out of gas in the middle of the highway and the back of the bus turned into The Lord of the Flies. We stopped in two gas stations between Tulsa and Amarillo before the driver and his trainer were able to fill up. By then the passengers were on the verge of mutiny many struggling to be confined several hours without their nicotine fix. They were let out of the bus after thirty minutes and were able to light up just as the bus’s gas tank overflowed with what I can assume from the smell was diesel.

Rest assured your staff was once again very accommodating and no one actually died yet. We arrived in Amarillo three hours late which once again was okay since I would be travelling on the exact same bus all the way to Phoenix. Of course throughout the trip I had to exit the bus multiple times and get back on hours later with a re-board pass and my tickets; a process which seems very efficient and not at all obnoxious.

Our next bus driver was very professional. He made up for lost time, spoke English and Spanish over the intercom and, up until this point, was the only driver who didn’t get lost. I liked him. He was from Tallahassee, Florida if I’m not mistaken and had to take a plane to Amarillo so he can make his scheduled bus route. He could have used Greyhound for free but he claims he didn’t have time to make it and enjoy the creature comforts of a nights-worth of sleep before hand. Obviously the great folks at Greyhound are paying your drivers enough money to afford a plane ticket to work. How else can you retain such competent staff and keep such a positive working environment?

The transit center in Santa Fe was by far my favorite and the cleanest station I have seen to that point. Two of the four faucets worked in the men’s bathroom which is certainly an improvement from Fort Leonard’s outhouse or the buses paltry hand sanitizer and sloshing septic tank of doom. We were just getting on schedule but for some still unexplained reason we were held up for an hour longer than we had to be. I’m assuming whatever held up the bus must have been important since it distracted the station’s staff which were having trouble forming lines for an additional twenty minutes.

We finally made it to Flagstaff, Arizona, behind schedule since we had to climb the foothills of central Arizona going five miles an hour. Nothing of significance happened there. Oh except one of the passengers transferring someplace else had finally had it, started something with one of your drivers who laid him out and killed him. That’s right; my three day trip out west had as many casualties as National Lampoon’s Vacation. According to ABC-15 Arizona the driver is still at large which makes sense. The man who decapitated a Greyhound passenger in 2008 is now allowed outside the insane asylum for unsupervised outings which sounds to me like even professional psychologists excuse violent outbursts on Greyhound buses.

My trip back was likewise pretty interesting. On June 29, 2014 we set out for Santa Fe only after the last undercarriage doors were slammed shut after being stuck (ten minutes later). On the border between Arizona and New Mexico I witnessed one of the passengers being detained for possession of marijuana. I had never been part of a drug bust before so I’m glad I got to be a part of that exciting experience. Also thank goodness the Arizona State Police were there to stop the man who was more than likely high off his gob and cataracts free.

While in Santa Fe I decided it was finally time for me to buy a few things from one of your convenient Greyhound shops. I had resisted the temptations to partake in your modestly priced ancient rolling tube meats and starchy blue blankets but since I had been on this route before, I knew I would not be able to eat anything other than gas station corn nuts and expired beef jerky for the next day or so. I bought a $3.00 hot dog and lest I get too graphic, let’s just say the aftermath of which was tragic. I also purchased $2.45 earphones which made it as far as Tulsa before they broke.

Because you can't spell busted without "bus"
I managed to make my bus from St. Louis to Chicago with moments to spare and limited my conversations to a poodle breeder and an aggressive bus driver who inferred that the loud music he was hearing was coming from my now broken headphones. Now I’m not one to judge people based solely on appearance but if he were to blame anyone for listening to loud Insane Clown Posse songs on a crowded bus he should have probably first turned his head to the thin bearded man with the “Juggalo 4 Life” neck tattoo. Of course that man couldn’t have compared to the woman in the last part of my journey who had just left prison and was on her way back to Flint. She spoke on the phone the entire way from New Haven to Lansing bragging about how she got out early for good behavior during Episcopal services and having an affair with her parole officer.

Seriously, fuck you Greyhound!
On July 1, 2014 I had finally completed my expedition greeting my girlfriend who had waited for an hour longer than she should have. She got but a taste of the zen like epiphanies I had had on my journey which still swirled in my brain. Thanks to your fine company I had learned about the importance of patience, the fragility of mental health and the value of air travel.

Thank you again for everything. I will certainly be recommending your services to all my friends and family for all their travelling needs.

Sincerely
-XXXXXXXXXXX

P.S. I have attached a photo of Tank Girl for your perusing as I know that may be too obscure a reference for some.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Thoughts from the Usher Podium: Monthly Retrospective

I watch obscure films...deal with it!
I cheated. I watched quite a few movies I shouldn’t have. I know it’s bad but I’m starting to think ferreting out good movies has become somewhat of an impulse. Another month with over thirty overall decent films the lion’s share of which, no one has heard of. Another month of little torture…oh whoah is me!

The month started off strong; I rented some of the past decade’s entertainment that I missed including the underrated Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013), which don’t get me wrong, was stupid but I felt provided enough silliness to be amusing. No more of a chuckle came out of me while watching it but if I saw it in theater’s I’d muster a few belly laughs. I also saw The Place Beyond the Pines (2012) certified watchable by a friend who swears by its gravitas. I was a little disappointed by it largely because of its deliberate pacing, conflicting themes and long running time. The movie about a motorcycle driving bank robber (Ryan Gosling) whose choices affect quite a few people down the road is interesting. Interesting enough to warrant a meditative trilogy where its more salient themes would have had time to cook properly. Unfortunately that is not the case and Place Beyond the Pines remains in my view a decent film but not a necessary one.
Ryan Gosling sad...
I further beefed up my “hip-with-it” cred by watching The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug (2013) and Oblivion (2013). Yes I know I had plenty of opportunities to see them in theaters but I wasn’t chomping at the bit for another helping of Bilbo, Gandolf and the rest of Middle Earth after such an underwhelming prequel. In Oblivion’s case, it just didn’t look that good. Desolation of Smaug was an improvement from the first film movie-wise but as an adaptation of the book, fans might be a little perplexed by some additional characters. In Oblivion, I was right to deride it without even seeing it. While visually interesting, the narrative tried to be both labyrinthine and touching. Unfortunately such ambitions were just not met in the screenplay resulting in a film that was neither.
Even the kisses had too much going on
Don’t worry I did manage to make it to the theaters last month too. I’m still not sold on the new Spider-Man franchise. The new movie The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) was busy and clunked along to box office gold but who are we kidding; three villain origin stories in one movie? When was the last time that happened? Ah yes, Spider-Man 3 (2007). As I recall fanboys weren’t too thrilled about that. I have more complaints but we must move on to better fare.
Like Oculus (2014); an underrated horror flick sure to churn out a couple of inferior sequels in the near future. It’s the story of a woman (Karen Gillan) and her formerly institutionalized brother (Brenton Thwaites) who try to piece together their mother and father’s deaths which featured a supernatural soul-snatching mirror. The movie cuts back and forth between the past with the two as children and present with them investigating as adults; with some pretty nifty build-up. Many poo-poo the ending as predicable and disappointing but I would describe it as foreboding. In both set ups we basically know what the endgame will be, which allows the audience to enjoy the ride. Once the hammer falls, as it were, we feel the movie’s most terrifying horror, the dictum that we can’t always prepare for the worst.
Speaking of preparing for the worst; Godzilla (2014). I half-expected the movie to be a huge let down, especially when the trailer featured a frantic Bryan Cranston weaving conspiracy theories as chaos fills the screen. You’re Heisenberg man, have some dignity. All in all however, Godzilla was actually pretty good; much better than the corny 1998 rendering featuring Matthew Broderick and a lot of fish. Still the acting was a little stilted, especially by non-reptilian lead Aaron Taylor-Johnson who isn’t quite ready for primetime. He’ll make a leading man yet but those of the Judd Apatow school of 2000’s comedy have certainly worn out their welcome. Neighbors (2014), while being acceptably funny for fans of Seth Rogen, nonetheless enforces the theme set-up by last year’s This Is the End (2013); we’re getting old and we know it. Thing is eventually that joke will wear thin too and you’re left doing a Dr. Seuss rip-off and standing awkwardly next to Kanye West.
Still hilarious...
Most underrated film I’ve seen in theaters was the British import Belle (2013) starring Guru Mbatha-Raw, Emily Watson and Tom Wilkinson. I went in expecting a Pride & Prejudice (2005) type period piece but what I wound up with was…well that plus a true story about a mixed-race aristocrat’s daughter who helped facilitate the end of the slave trade in England. Ms. Mbatha-Raw is an absolute revelation as the female lead. I sympathized with her character; trapped between two worlds unable to break free from expectations and the metaphorical chains that feature prominently in 17th Century England.
The best film I saw in theaters last month was X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) which I previously called “the best mulligan ever made”. It’s a film with an epic scope and some shining moments from many X-Men fan favorites. It truly is the triumphant return of what I still deem to be among the best comic-book superhero franchises. It will of course be in theaters for a while so if you haven’t seen it I suggest you do so as soon as you have a free night and $10 to waste.
In addition to brushing up on current events, I sat back to watch some childhood “classics” I missed. First up: The Dark Crystal (1982). I’m sure in the 80’s The Dark Crystal was a sight to behold. As a fan of Jim Henson and his menagerie of puppet characters I am well aware of his impact on the world and the childhood dreams of many. That being said, The Dark Crystal has no sense of urgency in the story. There seems to be an elaborate mythology embedded in the plot that we as the audience are supposed to already know. Thing is we don’t, and what we may otherwise see as grandiose and creative, the main puppets force us to understand it as everyday and mundane.

At least The Dark Crystal was somewhat mundane and not offensively stupid. Harry and the Hendersons (1987) made me question the sanity of John Lithgow, Melinda Dillon and Don Ameche. You seriously expect me to believe a family of four would run over a big-foot, mount it on the back of a station wagon and proceed to make a series of incredibly daft decisions? Daft decisions which include: leaving the supposedly dead body atop of the car overnight after getting back from their vacation. Once finding out the raging seven foot animal you ran over with your car was still alive, not thinking once to run to the neighbors to dial 911. Waiting so long to finally dial 911 only to tell the operator “there’s a bigfoot in my home”; how about saying something like, “There’s an intruder” or “I don’t know what it is but it’s a big creature and its eating my goldfish.” Then of course there’s the moronic decision to keep the damn thing in your home thus the plot of the entire movie…which is just stupid, stupid, stupid!
Yikes
…And we’re back. Back to accentuating the positive via obscure artsy-fartsy flicks no one knows. But if you’re looking for recommendations guaranteed to blow your mind (provided you’re not one of those weirdoes who hates black and white) look no further. In fairness I have enablers when it comes to watching obscure movies versus better known ones. My first enabler is my girlfriend who has a soft spot for animation. She recommended an interesting German import caller Felidae (1994). The story follows Francis the cat as he investigates a series of grizzly cat murders in his new suburban neighborhood. Influenced by film noir and topped with heavy doses of Watership Down (1978), Felidae is a slinky, menacing adult-themed cartoon with some pretty heavy messages you may not expect.
My girlfriend also insisted we watch The City of Lost Children (1995) directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Marc Caro who previously worked together in the macabre but spirited Delicatessen (1991). City of Lost Children share’s far-out visuals and a darkly humorous tone to its predecessor yet in comparison it is the weaker of the two. Still the story of a mad scientist stealing the dreams of children to elongate life has a certain surrealistic charm to it.
The lady also adored The Horse’s Mouth (1958) the story of a crude artist (Alec Guinness) who struggles to realize his full potential yet never ceases the irritate those around him. The Horse’s Mouth is a rare treat for me as I rented it only with the information that it was part of the Criterion collection and starred Alec Guinness. It was zany, vulgar, high-spirited and high-minded often within the same frame; I likewise adored the film. If given the chance to see arguably the best film about an artist struggling with his vision, check out The Horse’s Mouth. And lest you be a philistine let me assure you the film is in gorgeous Technicolor.
Speaking of gorgeous Technicolor, many years ago there was a director by the name of Douglas Sirk who made a small collection of worthwhile melodramas all saturated in deliberately vibrant colors. Dismissed as fake and tone-deaf, future generations have honed in on the director’s post-modernist take of his film’s mis en scene. While I’m a sucker for All That Heaven Allows (1955), most people believe Written on the Wind (1956) to be his crowning achievement. Indeed it is a sight to behold; the story of an oil tycoon/alcoholic playboy (Robert Stack) who marries a woman (Lauren Bacall) he hardly knows is old school soap opera. She loves him but also secretly pines for his best friend (Rock Hudson) who in turn is pursued by the tycoon’s nymphomaniac sister (Dorothy Malone) it’s all water cooler fodder in a time when typewriters were a thing. Nowadays we discuss the machinations of Game of Thrones (2011-Present) instead of Day of our Lives (1965-Present) but we couldn’t have any of that without Sirk putting the mush in mushiness.
hmm...according to this men are from Mars and women are
submissive fools.
Of course if you’re looking for mushiness you can’t go wrong with a bland romantic comedy like You’ve Got Mail (1998). No I haven’t seen it yet but I did see the film it was based off of The Shop around the Corner (1940) directed by Ernst Lubitch. Yes I did get around to watching another Lubitch film and once again my expectations were met. If you’re a post-modernist feminist there is plenty to object to in 1940’s romantic comedies a la rude “go back to the kitchen” type dialogue yet with James Stewart and Margaret Sullivan as the headlining leads, I personally couldn’t help but find it entertaining in addition to being an interesting historical relic.
Of course pretentious foreign and obscure film watching can’t be done without the occasional dud. In this case the dud was Luchino Visconti’s The Leopard (1963). Burt Lancaster plays an Italian nobleman during the opening days of the Italian Republic during the 1860’s. His character tries to maneuver the path between the dying aristocratic class and the new democratically elected government while trying to keep his family intact. I really enjoyed Visconti’s Senso (1954) so I was surprised a film thought of so highly failed to keep me interested and immersed. Perhaps it was the time of day or Lancaster’s less than solid Italian but my recommendation would be to find something better to do with 205 minutes.
This scene alone was about as long as the wedding in The Deer Hunter
Didn't you say something about a holy trinity?
Luckily after watching The Leopard I was saved by Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008) which along with Interiors (1978) and Bullets over Broadway (1994) is one of the few “good” Allen films I haven’t seen yet. I have a friend who grumbles about Allen’s blasé treatment of infidelity in his movies. That friend would have probably hated Vicky Cristina Barcelona which not only features infidelity but is one of the better films exploring poly-amorous relationships. This friend of mine does make a valid point when he posits that many of Woody’s relationships in his films are partially meant to explore, rationalize and excuse his own sexual sins. I’m not sure if I agree 100% but I can see where he’s coming from.
Also featured...phallic imagery
This same friend has a fascination and love for movies just as deep as my own and we have made a habit this past month to go to the local video store and pick out movies for each other. Among the ones he chose for me was I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang (1932) which was a really good movie not only for its time but for any time. He also recommended The Thief of Bagdad (1924) starring Douglas Fairbanks. While a silent film which, believe me even I have my limits, Thief of Bagdad is nonetheless a benchmark film with some pretty fabulous old-school special effects. Also in the mix was Charlie Chaplin’s A King in New York (1957) which was released in a DVD that also held A Woman of Paris (1923). A King of New York was a pretty decent feature considering Chaplin was in his twilight years and fading fast in the midst of the red scare. At the time the film was so tone-deaf and against the grain politically speaking that it tanked and didn’t see the light of day for many, many years. Is it a step down from classics like Modern Times (1936) and The Great Dictator (1940)? Well it was certainly better than A Woman of Paris.
Marat/Sade (1967) was another politically themed film that I enjoyed this past month (and was found during my video store excursions). Set just after Napoleon came to power, the film dramatizes the Marquis de Sade’s (Patrick Magee) time in the insane asylum and the production of his play about Jean-Paul Marat (Ian Richardson). The whole thing is a play within a movie which gives an interesting and intense perspective on The French Revolution and its consequences.
Another movie based on a popular play that was brought to my attention was Escanaba in da Moonlight (2001) written and directed by native Michigander Jeff Daniels. In it Daniels and kin are what we in Michigan call Yuppers; those who live in Michigan’s northern peninsula. With some supernatural elements pulled in for good measure, Escanaba is basically a mediocre Northern Exposure (1990-1995) episode channeling The Evil Dead (1981). As far as deer hunting movies go though The Hunt (2012) takes the proverbial cake. Though I suppose it’s not really a deer hunting film insomuch as it’s an embattled teacher film. Mads Mikkelsen, of Casino Royale (2006) fame, plays an elementary school teacher who is accused of sexually molesting a student. A brilliantly foreboding film, The Hunt is also a great study on the folly of groupthink and the effect on those excluded from civil society.
Now who'd believe this was the face of a sexual predator?
One film that certainly snuck up on me was Ordinary People (1980) starring Timothy Hutton, Donald Sutherland and Mary Tyler Moore. It won Best Picture at the Academy Awards when it was released yet most people in the know knock it because it won against Raging Bull (1980). I found the foibles of a grief stricken family to be very engrossing and I dare say a lot of critics have it wrong when it comes to this Robert Redford directed masterpiece. Check it out if you can and judge for yourself.
Another Best Picture movie that crept under my radar was The Lost Weekend (1945) starring Ray Milland. Up to now I don’t quite know why I hadn’t seen it until now. I am a huge Billy Wilder fan and am convinced the auteur can do no wrong. The Lost Weekend was a little of a letdown but certainly mint enough to recommend. Ray Milland plays a chronic alcoholic who struggles with his addiction, his relationship with his girlfriend played by Jane Wyman and his brother played by Phillip Terry. I wouldn’t even put it in my top five Wilder films which are less a testament to the films quality as it is to the overall quality of the filmmaker’s body of work.
Little known fact: Notorious was a big influence on Hitchcock
Speaking of those with an impeccable body of work, I also sat back to expand my understanding of the infamous Alfred Hitchock. Notorious (1946) was the new pick this month and I certainly didn’t regret the film currently ranked at #199 on imdb’s Top 250. In the film a woman (Ingrid Bergman) is asked to spy on her dead father’s old friends who are Nazis hiding out in South America. Her contact is a CIA agent known as Devlin (Cary Grant) who becomes enamored by Bergman’s self-destructive personality. Notorious is certainly one of the better Hitchcock films out there though for my money Dial M for Murder (1954) takes home the blue ribbon. Of course there’s no denying Dial M doesn’t have the fabulous Claude Rains as the principle villain.
To complete the recommendations portion of the monthly review there’s Anchors Aweigh (1945) starring the multi-talented Gene Kelly and the smooth crooner Frank Sinatra as two sailors on shore leave. There are some very catchy tunes, lovely lady leads a la Kathryn Grayson and Pamela Britton and of course a sunny disposition that overlaps the plot inconsistencies. I’m convinced you really can’t go wrong with Gene Kelly in a movie musical and Anchors Aweigh only belabors that point.
 
Random add on: I have also seen a few stand-up specials this month. Do I count them towards my goal of 4000 films? Of course I do. Is it a little cheap? Perhaps; but if Un Chien Andalou (1929) and A Trip to the Moon (1902) are universally considered movies than surely a fill length comedy special released and distributed on DVD also counts. From favorite to least the films I watched were: Mike Birbiglia: My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend (2013), Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive (2013), Chris Porter: Angry and Ugly (2014) and John Hodgman: Ragnarok (2013). Overall I am disappointed with the state of standup comedy though in fairness I haven’t seen Comedy Central in years because, cable is expensive.
 
That in a nutshell are the films I watched this past month. The merry month of May as been ripe with some pretty cool films I must say and as the summer heats up, I can't wait to catch up on some theatrical releases, old favorites and embarrassing absentees. Check out the retrospective coming up in June, otherwise, enjoy the lists, reviews and random waxings on my humble little blog.