Favorite Movies of the Decade

Haven't talked strictly about movies in a while; so here's a palette cleanser for those who aren't a fan of depression and struggling through something as thanklessly exhausting (and useless) as standup comedy. I still do love movies and have been watching them continuously, though not as often as I'd like.

I've made an effort before the end of the year (and the decade) to really venture forth and catch up on anything that fell through the cracks. That said, I've missed a lot. So rather than take the time and effort to make an authoritative list of BEST MOVIES OF THE DECADE PERIOD - I'm just going to summarize personal favorites. That's it. Movies that affected, entertained and otherwise made an impression on me as a single entity. If you see something that catches your eye and you haven't seen it yet, consider my endorsement the next time you're scrolling through Netflix and want to see something fun or new.

Honorable Mentions

The Lure (2015)

The Lure is a Polish musical send up of the classic mermaid-meets-boy, mermaid-eats-boy tale told with just the right amount of glam and gore. It stars Marta Mazurek and Michalina Olszanska at two aquatic sisters who are adopted by a cabaret bar owner and her family. After becoming a minor hit as a musical act, the sisters start to parse when one falls for the son of the bar owner while the other finds it harder and harder to hide her taste for human flesh. This movie may not be right to some but it's just weird enough for you to remember it not matter what your initial thoughts.

The Angels' Share (2012)

Those familiar with the socialist realism of director Ken Loach's oeuvre attest the Palme d'Or winner I, Daniel Blake (2016) is probably his best of the decade. While I do recommend that one highly as well, there's just something so appealing about his caper/buddy comedy The Angels' Share that just speaks to me. Paul Brannigan and Siobhan Reilly lead an all Scottish cast as a cadre of cons trying to turn a new leaf only to be taken aback by the drudgery of life. But after a visit to a distillery piques their collective interest, our protagonists formulate a plan that may just get them out of their rut.

Your Name (2016)

Taki (Taki Tachibana) and Matsuha (Mitsuha Miyamizu), two complete strangers find their lives uniquely intertwined in this incredibly involving romantic fantasy. Your Name encapsulates themes of love and family and roots them in some of the more common tropes of modern anime such as high-minded sci-fi and the juxtaposition of the modern and the traditional. I have a hunch that not a lot of people outside those in the know have seen this one so I'm not going to give much more detail other than to say it's well worth your time - even if you're not a big anime aficionado.

101. Wonder Woman (2017)

100. Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

99. The White World According to Daliborek (2017)

The White World According to Daliborek is a darkly humorous examination of a Czech white supremacist who gives a film crew unfettered access to the world he inhabits. What results is a unique blend of style and form that sends an urgent message about the radicalization of alienated men like Daliborek.

98. The Way Back (2010)

Based on a possibly true story, The Way Back follows a small group of Russian "criminals" who escape a Siberian gulag and trek more than 4,000 miles through the harshest terrain on earth in order to get to safety. While the film boasts an impressive cast that includes Colin Farrell, Ed Harris, Saorise Ronan and Jim Sturgess the real star of the show is the partnership between Australian director Peter Weir and cinematographer Russell Boyd who capture some seriously beautiful tableaux.

97. The Interrupters (2011)

Released right around the height of Chicago's millennial crime wave, The Interrupters is a beacon of hope amid the tragedy. The documentary follows a cohort of former gang members in Chicago's south side as they attempt to use their resources and clout as former cons to deescalate or "interrupt" potential gang violence. While their results are ultimately mixed, director Steve James does a marvelous job showcasing the light through the darkness.

96. American Hustle (2013)

95. Jackie (2016)

94. Us (2019)

93. Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (2015)

92. Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (2011)

Three childhood friends played by Arjun Saluja, Farhan Akhtar and Abhay Deol take an extended vacation across Europe after one of them becomes engaged. But what starts as a pretty mundane premise loaded with the possibility of light hijinks, turns into a warm and affecting story about friendship, facing your fears and truly coming into oneself.

91. Knives Out (2019)

90. Coco (2017)

89. First Reformed (2017)

Ethan Hawke turns in arguably his best performance as an alcoholic priest whose mounting despair about the state of the world oozes his daily life. Written and directed by Paul Schrader and co-starring Amanda Seyfried and Cedric the Entertainer, First Reformed is one of those rare movies that doesn't steer clear of the darkness if only to find light within.

88. The Hunt (2012)

A kindergarten teacher (Mads Mikkelson) is wrongfully accused of sexually assaulting one of his students which pits the denizens of his bucolic town against him. As former friends and colleagues turn on him, life becomes a living nightmare as he's forced to try to maintain his innocence.

87. Dallas Buyers Club (2013)

86. Columbus (2017)

Columbus is the portrait of a lonely, grieving man (John Cho) and an equally lonely young woman (Haley Lu Richardson) finding each other in the backdrop of one of the midwest's hidden gems. Directed by YouTube essayist turned director Kogonada, Columbus is probably the most serene and aesthetically pleasing film I've seen this decade. Check it out if you have the chance.

85. The Big Sick (2017)

84. Annihilation (2018)

83. Good Time (2017)

Robert Pattinson brings a unique, kinetic verve to his role as a bank robber plotting to free his disabled brother from county holding. Over the course of a single night, Connie steals, lies, manipulates and fights trying to accomplish what he knows deep down in his heart may very well be impossible. Directors the Safdie brothers not only do a great job upping the paranoid ante story-wise, they also beautifully capture a vision of nighttime New York City that is at once beautiful as it is horrifying.

82. The Eagle Huntress (2016)

Girl power is the name of the game in this affecting and powerful documentary about a young Kazakh who takes up the family tradition of falconry bristling uncomfortably with the gender traditions of her nomadic culture. As far as documentaries go, this ne is a real visual treat, taking advantage of its subject matter to give us beautiful shots of sprawling mid-asians vistas and soaring birds of prey.

81. Baby Driver (2017)

80. Moana (2016)

79. Girls Trip (2017)

78. Moonlight (2016)

77. The LEGO Movie (2014)

76.  Patti Cake$ (2017)

Patti Cake$ is a micro-budget festival circuit charmer that borrows parts of Hustle & Flow and adds a fine feminine touch. Danielle MacDonald stars as Patti Dobrowski, a teen from a working class New Jersey home who dreams of becoming a rapper but is constantly brought back down to earth by her finances, her demanding mother and her supposed physical limitations. Despite this, Patti and her rag-tag group of friends use their wits, resources and pluck to create a little something that will hopefully cascade into future success.

75. The Artist (2011)

74. Captain America: Civil War (2016)

73. The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

72. An Honest Liar (2014)

An Honest Liar is a biographical documentary about the singularly unique magician Amazing Randi. The movie plots his precipitous rise as an escape artist and his eventual turn as an unrepentant skeptic and fraud detector. As the movie playfully reveals the man's take on magic and trickery, the film goes in unexpected directions leaving you both bewildered and intrigued.

71. A Man Called Ove (2015)

A Man Called Ove is a sweet and affecting Swedish film about an elderly curmudgeon (Rolf Lassgard) who is forced into early retirement while still reeling from the loss of his wife. With nothing left to lose, Ove decides to kill himself but keeps getting interrupted by life and all its subtle inconveniences. Believe me, it's much more life affirming than it sounds. Seek it out if you haven't seen it already.

70. A Monster Calls (2016)

An uncommonly dark film about a somber boy (Lewis MacDougall) who's mother (Felicity Jones) is dying of cancer. As he sulks into the background and tries to avoid the situation, the boy is then visited by a monster (Liam Neeson) who occupies his mind with fables of times long past. While perhaps a little too on the nose for some, A Monster Calls should ultimately be remembered for having a uniquely honest take on grieving and loss that still provides enough lightness to gear itself towards children who may need to hear its message.

69. Wolf Children (2012)

Wolf Children is a layered and visually stunning anime feature that takes the common parable of a loving single mother struggling to raise her children and adds elements of the fantastical. More than anything Wolf Children is a heart-felt ode to moms everywhere.

68. Ingrid Goes West (2017)

Ingrid Goes West is a cynical, darkly comic take on social media and those who'd use it as a counterfeit for life. Ingrid (Audrey Plaza) is a mentally unstable woman who uses her paltry inheritance to start a new life in California to stalk a vapid social media influencer. Layered and biting, IGW is in this writer's mind the 21st century's answer to Taxi Driver.

67. Hell or High Water (2016)

66. The Imitation Game (2014)

65. The Lobster (2015)

Director/Writer Yorgos Lanthimos injects his usual dry, deadpan aesthetic into a dark comedy about love and the limits thereof. Colin Farrell stars as a shy man who must find a significant other within 30 days or be turned into an animal of his choosing. Forced to go on retreat with a variety of single people, all of whom must accomplish the same task, David meets an enigmatic loner (Rachel Weisz) who may just be his ticket to partnership.

64. Mudbound

Based on Hilary Jordan's novel of the same name, Mudbound is a dueling narrative about two families alike in many ways except race, living in pre-WWII Mississippi. Starring Carey Mulligan, Jason Mitchell, Mary J. Blige, Rob Morgan, Jason Clarke and Garrett Hedlund, Mudbound is an impeccably acted period drama with uncommonly atmospheric cinematography.

63. The Death of Stalin (2017)

Communism has never been funnier than when put through Veep creator Armando Iannucci's comedic process. The Death of Stalin is exactly what the title suggests, a movie about the death of the infamous dictator and the power vacuum created in the immediate aftermath. Jockeying for position is Secret Police leader Laverenty Beria (Simon Russell Beale), Vice Chancellor Georgy Malenkov (Jeffrey Tambor) and cabinet funnyman Nikita Khrushchev (Steve Buscemi) all of whom plot to hilarious and deadly results.

62. Tully (2018)

Tully is about a weary mother of three who reluctantly hires a nanny to take care of her newborn. What begins as a kind if awkward relationship soon blossoms into a friendship that could just get Marlo (Charlize Theron) out of the post-partum doldrums. Written by Diablo Cody, Tully is one of those rare movies that seeks to understand the true sacrifice of motherhood and does so in a way that's both familiar and unique.

61. Dope (2015)

Shameik Moore, Kiersey Clemons and Tony Revolori star as a trio of geeky kids growing up in the intensely violent streets of Inglewood, CA. Nearing the end of their high school days, the trio must contend with an escalating array of chaos in order to keep out of trouble and set themselves on successful paths. Dope is a wildly entertaining coming-of-age comedy that smartly modernizes the genre while smartly taking advantage of its setting.

60. Swiss Army Man

Who knew that a movie about a marooned man (Paul Dano) finding a talking, multi-functional rotting corpse (Daniel Radcliffe) could be so beautiful. Swiss Army Man takes its bonkers premise and builds an oddly satisfying movie about courage, loneliness and the will to survive in the modern age. While it may certainly not be for everyone, Swiss Army Man was an absurd and goofy triumph as far as I was concerned.

59. Boyhood (2014)

58. Mother! (2017)

Mother! is a controversial fever dream brought to you by the same mind that gave you Requiem for a Dream, Black Swan and Noah. Director Darren Aronofsky takes all the venom of the contemporary world and puts it on the shoulders of  a woman (Jennifer Lawrence), a pregnant mother who's suddenly forced to deal with unwanted guests. Javier Bardem co-stars as the would-be father who's generosity is partly to blame for the chaos that may eventually consume the couples' stately home.

57. Elite Squad: The Enemy Within (2010)

A sequel to a popular Brazilian crime drama, The Enemy Within is a bloody semi-fictional account of BOPE a military police force tasked with cleaning up the streets of Rio de Janiero. While the first film had a bit of a fascistic tinge to it, this one complicates matters by having the protagonist Colonel Nascimento (Wagner Moura) team up with a human rights activist (Irandhir Santos) to take down structural corruption in the Brazilian government. What results is a complex and bloody web of deceit that keeps audience members on the edge of their seats.

56. A Quiet Place (2018)

55. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

54. Wild Tales (2014)

Six vignettes about anger, rage and revenge are anthologized in this Argentinean dark comedy, which pits a waitress against a gangster, a bride against a cheating husband, an engineer against a towing company among other unforgettable stories. Wild Tales is movie is so unapologetically mean, primal and oddly cathartic that it's hard not to enjoy its take on the ugliest and pettiest humanity has to offer.

53. 13th (2016)

Director Ava DuVernay sets her sights on the American prison system in 13th, an audacious documentary that deftly reveals the racism behind many of our modern criminal justice policies. 13th sets an ambitious thesis and wields its truths with such vigor that its hard not to be captivated.

52. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)

51. I, Tonya (2017)

50. Sausage Party (2016)

49. Boy and the World (2013)

Boy and the World is a unique animated experience unlike any other. Through a combination of imagery and music, the film tries to illustrate the struggles, paradoxes and dangers of the modern world, as told by a Brazilian boy in search of his father. The animation is so unique and the music is so immediately vibrant and colorful that you can't help but absorb the film's topical message as well as sympathize with it's characters (whom all speak in a garbled made up language that is nevertheless easy to understand).

48. Hustlers (2019)

47.  The Zero Theorem (2013)

A hypochondriac computer programmer (Christoph Waltz) is tasked by his oppressive company to find mathematical certainty that life is meaningless which pits himself against his own search for meaning. Directed by infamous odd ball Terry Gilliam, Zero Theorem is arguably his most ambitious work since Brazil. And while it may not be as put together as the 1985 cult classic, Zero Theorem has all the requisite parts to make for wholly entertaining viewing.

46. Eighth Grade (2018)

45. The Handmaiden (2016)

Tae-ri Kim stars as a young woman hired as a handmaiden to a wealthy heiress (Min-hee Kim). But as she infiltrates the estate in order to defraud the family, the handmaiden discovers there are more disturbing things afoot in her new home. Atmospheric, sexy and incredibly engrossing, The Handmaiden is one of those movies where the less you know the better so see it as soon as you can.

44. Miracle in Cell No. 7 (2013)

A mentally ill father (Seung-ryong Ryu) is falsely accused of murder and is given a life sentence. But hope visits him in the form of his young daughter (So Won Kal) who breaks into the prison and keeps him company under the noses of the prison guards. Miracle in Cell No. 7 is a real crowd-pleaser and a definite must-see for those who truly believe that hope springs eternal.

43. Short Term 12 (2013)

Short Term 12 stars Brie Larson and John Gallagher Jr. as two empathetic 20-somethings who staff a halfway home for troubled youth. As they try to navigate the regular pitfalls of life, they must also deal with the emotional burden of the wayward kids they try to help. Co-starring Rami Malek and LaKeith Stanfield, Short Term 12 is one of those rare movies that truly moves without succumbing to saccharine cliches or forced manipulation. It truly is a beautiful movie to behold.

42. Stronger (2017)

41. Tangerine (2015)

Tangerine follows a tumultuous day in the life of Sin-Dee (Kitana Kiki Rodriguez) a transgendered working girl struggling to keep things together. Over the course of one Christmas Eve, Sin-Dee interacts with various denizens of Los Angeles searching in vain for the pimp who broke her heart.

40. Sorry to Bother You (2018)

39. Sing Street (2016)

38. Wreck-It Ralph (2012)

37. Phantom Thread (2017)

36. X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

35. Jojo Rabbit (2019)

34. Room (2015)

33. Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017)

32. The Avengers (2012)

31. Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014)

30. Pariah (2011)

Pariah stars Adepero Oduye as a teen whose struggles with sexual self-expression leads her to her first real heart-break. Directed by Dee Rees, Pariah is one of those rare coming-of-age stories that remains honest and direct while also being empathetic and even poetic.

29. Won't You Be My Neighbor (2018)

28. The Social Network (2010)

27. Get Out (2017)

26. The Florida Project (2017)

25. Manchester By the Sea (2016)

A lonely uncle (Casey Affleck) mourns the death of his brother only to discover that he's been given custody of his teenage nephew (Lucas Hedges). As a result, the man must come back to his hometown along the frigid coast of the Atlantic Ocean and come to terms with the aftermath of his checkered past. Quietly somber, Manchester By the Sea may not be for everyone given it's grim tone but those on its wavelength would appreciate its mature approach to grief and loss.

24. The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

23. Whiplash (2014)

22. The Teacher (2016)

The Teacher takes an unflinching peek of Czechia under communism as told by a trio of families who's kids are being held back by a Machiavellian teacher (Zuzana Maurery). Told in non-linear fashion, the film is an unflinching portrayal of absolute power and how corrupting it can be.

21. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

20. How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

19. I Am Not Your Negro (2016)

A civil rights documentary that adapts the perspective of novelist, civil rights icon and intellectual thinker James Baldwin using excerpts of his unfinished book "Remember This House". Hitting on the contributions of Medgar Evers, Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X, the documentary weaves an intricate portrait of the civil rights movement as well as give a very relevant take on modern society.

18. Inception (2010)

17. Zootopia (2016)

16. Four Lions (2010)

A small group of highly incompetent Islamic terrorists attempt to commit atrocities only to have many of their ploys figuratively (and literally) blow up in their faces. Directed by infamous polemic Christopher Morris, Four Lions is a wildly entertaining comedy whose wit is arguably as dangerous as its characters.

15. Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012)

The precocious, imaginative Hushpuppy (Quvenzhane Wallis) lives in ramshackle poverty on the outskirts of the Louisiana levees circa 2005. When hurricane Katrina hits and her hotblooded father takes ill, the tiny Hushpuppy goes on an odyssey to find her long gone mother. Beasts is first and foremost a human story with flares of the fantastical, creating a unique blend of magical realism rarely seen on screen.

14. Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World (2010)

13. Hunt for the Wilderpeople (2016)

A troublesome boy (Julian Dennison) is adopted by a rural elderly couple living on the border of the New Zealand bush. Due to extenuating circumstances Ricky and his gruff adopted father (Sam Neill) lose themselves in the wilderness and must survive all while being chased by authorities. Direcot Taika Waititi had one heck of a decade this year churning out hits like Thor: Ragnarok, What We Do in the Shadows and Jojo Rabbit but this understated gem takes the cake in my book.

12. Ex Machina (2014)

11. Toy Story 3 (2010)

10. The Big Short (2015)

The Big Short lets an all-star cast do the heavy lifting depicting events leading to the 2008 financial crisis, that left the world in a state not seen since the Great Depression. Steve Carell, Christian Bale, Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt et al. explore all the excess and reckless speculation and do so in a fun, entertaining and ultimately devastating way. No small feat when it's a movie all about finance.

9. La La Land (2016)

La La Land is a loving homage to 1950's musicals as brought to life by director Damien Chazelle and Hollywood darlings Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone. In it an aspiring actress and a struggling musician meet and fall in love only to have the draw of glitz and fame threaten to tear them apart. While certainly not as import and Moonlight (a movie we'll be forced to compare thanks to Warren Beatty), La La Land nevertheless provides a fun experience with memorable songs, dazzling choreography and a timelessly irascible story.

8. Midnight in Paris (2011)

Owen Wilson fills in for writer/director Woody Allen's POV as a neurotic writer who's vacationing with his fiancee (Rachel McAdams) and her parents. While wondering the streets of Paris, Gil (Wilson) is coaxed into a classic car and is transported into the 1920's to walk among the giants of the day. Midnight in Paris is with little doubt the crown jewel of Allen's later works and as the added benefit of being filled with great minor performances including Kathy Bates a Gertrude Stein, Tom Hiddleston as F. Scott Fitzgerald, Corey Stoll as Ernest Hemingway and Adrien Brody as Salvador Dali.

7. We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011)

Director Lynne Ramsay's unique voice and vision is fully on display in this dark, psychological thriller about a psychopathic boy (Ezra Miller) and his mother (Tilda Swinton) who saw only too late what he was capable of. We Need to Talk About Kevin is an exercise in emotion in a way few films are and managed at many points to get me cringing in my seat.

6. Arrival (2016)

Arrival is one of the rare movies about aliens that doesn't result in an invasion. Instead it is about a group of scientists using ll the tools at their disposal to communicate with new arrivals who may or may not have malicious intent. Heading the project is Louise Banks (Amy Adams) and linguist who feels connected to the aliens in some unique and undiscovered way.

5. A Separation (2011)

What appears to be a typical family drama about a husband and wife separating morphs into a complex and painfully human story about the moral complexities of life and living. Director Ashgar Farhadi ably captures life in urban Iranian society that provides a much needed window into the humanity within all of us. Likewise the film examines the folly of good intentions and how bad actions can come back to haunt us in unexpected ways.

4. Frances Ha (2012)

Before Greta Gerwig made a splash directing Ladybird, the actress/director/writer first came to the fore playing the title role of Frances in Noah Baumbach's understated masterpiece about growing uncomfortably into adulthood. In this 2012 film, Frances's lightness of being and struggle for self-actualization puts her into conflict with her best friend (Mickey Sumner) thus necessitating her to go on an odyssey of sorts to figure out what she's actually about. Small, subtle but vitally human, Frances Ha is arguably one of the most accurate depictions of extended adolescence experienced by many who saw their mid-twenties as a point of stagnation and hardship. It certainly affected me like few movies have.

3. 12 Years a Slave (2013)

Director Steve McQueen takes Solomon Northup's Antebellum memoir about his time spent in slavery and turns it into a harrowing cinematic experience. Chiwetel Ejiofor stars as Northup who is a New York African-American who is kidnapped and sold into slavery in the rural south. While there he spends twelve years trying to survive knowing full well that if he's discovered as a literate free man he'll be killed. 12 Years a Slave is a once-in-a-lifetime movie in that it is both cinematically perfect and absolutely devastating to watch. Seek it out and witness the mundacity of evil.

2. The Master (2012)

The Master is an astounding meditation on cults, the desire to belong and the tenuous thread between sin and absolution, man and animal, knowledge and hokum, individuality and the group. In it, an alcoholic veteran (Joaquin Phoenix) meets a would-be self-help guru and religious leader (Philip Seymour Hoffman) who takes him under his wing. In time, the odd couple develop a kinship that evades description but remains deeply unsettling when viewed in whole. Director Paul Thomas Anderson uses his mastery of cinematic language and insights on human behavior to provide a wholly unique cinematic experience that will undoubtedly effect you, where you want it to or not.

1. The Tree of Life (2011)

I've said it once and I'll say it again - Tree of Life is the only film that almost made me believe in God. It is a vast, impeccably beautiful, shockingly contemplative and oddly serene film that takes a moment in space and time (a family living life in Texas in the 50's) and makes it a microcosm of anything and everything. Director Terrence Malick utilizes his patented omnipresent directorial approach and turns in a film up there with 2001: A Space Odyssey in its level of vastness but also adds a spiritual dimension that humbles the viewer to the core.

Dinner with Friends Part 5: Darian and the Power of Being You

I really need to get back into the process of writing. I could give my self an out via a myriad of excuses (work, obligations, antidepressants) but the truth is I'm just not exercising that muscle at the moment. Got off the mat man, get off the mat!

A few weeks ago, I decided to invite my friend Darian for dinner. He's among my newest friends within my inner circle, therefore wanted to try a recipe I've never tried before.

I met Darian about a year ago at Emily's going away party. Truth be told, I had ulterior motives to get to know him, as I found his younger sister to be quite striking. As it became clear that she wasn't interested, Darian's amiability shone through an we kind of glomed onto each other. He works for a company that makes LEGO models of military equipment and vehicles - a profession that sounds downright bonkers now that I put it down in writing. Then again between Reese being a professional Origami teacher and me being a fake scientist at a roller rink, being a military LEGO manager seemed like a perfect continuation into the absurd.

Your sisters hot, there I said it!

For dinner we had baked chicken with a honey pomegranate sauce with chopped cashews, wild rice and a kale salad. We went upstairs and started to watch Dirty Rotten Scoundrels but ended up talking for a long time about history and philosophy. After that, we fell into a YouTube hole which culminated into me introducing him to Michael Reeves - a YouTube personality that creates ridiculous contraptions that serve no purpose other than to solve problems badly. I had him hooked by the time we stumbled into his most popular upload: A Roomba that screams when it bumps into stuff.

A few weeks after the dinner I was in a bad way. I went to support my friend Shirley who was part of a charity comedy show at a local brewery. It was a crowded room which usually makes me uncomfortable but I was cognitive enough avoid bunching into crowds or isolating myself as to become self-conscious. I sat next to Shirley during the showcase and we talked a bit before then about her latest relationship drama.

The anxiety didn't really kick in until after the show. Shirley had a new friend in her midst who had a weird energy I wasn't mentally prepared for. Then show runner came up to me after all was done and told me the non-profit I've been helping with had a charity showcase up on the 15th of this month. I've been neglecting to advertise or formulate a set for it which really had my mind going sideways.

Not reading this on me, Shirley invited me to a mic and I sheepishly accepted when I should have just biked home. I ended up leaving the mic early after girl Casey arrived and before the mic had even started. Before then I had been rocking back and forth in my bar stool and hiding myself in my coat. I biked home; the combination of severe social anxiety and crisp cold air had my skin breaking out into hives by the time I got home. Shirley texted to see if I was okay. I wasn't.

Not wanting to worry her and having already talked to Maisie about my previous mini-episode, I called Darian. I try to stagger my spiral-calls so I don't overwhelm my friends you see. Darian was wise enough to act as a sounding board; largely listening and being supportive. He too had experienced anxiety in the past. He over came it by being a phenom on the guitar and just growing to be comfortable with himself.

That same sentiment was repeated by Shirley the next day when things got oh so much worse. I spoke to my ex over the phone partially to catch up, partially to gloat about my latest accomplishments, speak at length about how much better I'm doing without her and telegraph profusely how over her I am. After talking about the marathon, my various (and let's be honest, marginal) social and comedy successes, she dropped a bomb on me - she's engaged. That in combination with Raquel cancelling on a visit to Chicago from Michigan had my mind in a severe spiral so intense that I had to leave work early.

Shirley met me at my place and comforted me before she had to go in for work. "You have to love yourself first before you can accept love from someone else," a point she hammered in by having me watch Daniel Sloss: Jigsaw on Netflix. I'm not sure if I internalized the overall message to Jigsaw completely, but it did nudge me back into a clearer mindset. My therapist joked later that week that Shirley got me to understand what she had been trying to tell me for months.

I don't know. Is it possible to truly be comfortable in your own skin? To love yourself unconditionally? Aly and Darian seem to be two of the most well-adjusted people I know yet we've come to a point in our friendships where I've peeked into their insecurities. I suppose part of growth is deciding which aspects of yourself you can't change therefore need to accept, and things you can change for the sake of a more positive self-image.

For example, I am self-conscious about my height but try as I might, I can never be taller. So I just need to learn to accept that. But being a better listener - that's a skill set I can learn and have the desire and grit to do so. Things get sticky when it comes to being comfortable in social situations however. Should I carefully plan my social interactions to avoid anxiety? Should I continue treating it like a phobia and hammer away at long-term behavioral therapy? Should I find a new healthier crutch to wade through that mess - something that isn't alcohol? Should I forfeit large social groups altogether?

I've worked on myself consistently over the last year and a half and my social anxiety remains the largest obstacle to becoming someone I can accept being. Where I go from here is anyone's guess.

Race Day

It was a crisp, windy morning on the day of the race. By the time I got to Grant Park, the elite runners had already heard the starting gun and were halfway to Lincoln Park before I even had a chance to use a porta-potty. Pam met me in the early morning light. I was able to give her all my belongings including an extra change of clothes, snacks, water and a pill box full of ibuprofen, of which I've already consumed three. The guards at the entrance let Pam into the runner area (I suspect they thought we were an interracial couple and looked at us like we were endangered pandas in need of extra time). We said our final goodbyes and I asked Pam to deliver my stuff to my parents if/when they decide to wake up and show up in their designated support area.

Line to the bathroom was very long!

I was nervous. The candid photos taken of the event showed a hunched over man in a white sweater with a mortified face feigning pain. Aly sent a text with her photo. She was a few meters ahead and had a similar look on her face only with a little more confidence and excitement. It also helped that everyone from family to friends to regular mic comedians were sending me messages telling me "good luck."

If there was a starting pistol or a air horn, I didn't hear it. The crowd started shuffling towards the starting gate then shuffled past it without much fanfare or difference in pace. I was adjusting my headphones and trying to find the best song to get me in the mood for the longest run of my friggin' life all while dodging people going at a slower pace. I found a good tune: Creep with a T-Shirt by Portugal the Man. And with that, I started my first marathon ever.

I saw my sister and her family before mile 2; the first friendly faces on my trek. I hadn't broken into a sweat yet so I was able to wave and give a big 'ol smile before cresting over State Street and towards the downtown bridge. I skipped the first water station fearing hyponatremia and decided to hit only every other station so I wouldn't become too full of fluids. For snacks however, all bets were off and I ate my first stroop waffle before downtown was in the rear view.

The first leg of the marathon stretched northward all the way to Wrigleyville before plummeting back down a parallel street. Every once in a while, I looked to my left and saw people running in between buildings in the opposite direction. I kept a slow, steady pace through the first 10 miles, stopping only once to adjust my headphones. I was running on pure adrenaline and wanted to gun it like Brigid Kosgei did earlier that day. Of course that would have probably led directly to my death so I thought better of it.

Pshhh, walk in the park!

As I rounded the corner onto Broadway I glanced at the mile marker that had a big red 8 on it. 8?! That was just 8 back there?! What helped though, was seeing the same signs from earlier in the race; "Boss Women Run Marathons," "Run Forrest Run," "Worst Parade Ever!" This meant the same people were shuttling back and forth on CTA and were making an effort to support whoever was also keeping my pace.

My favorite poster was one that said "Keep Running or I'll Drop This Sign!" and it was being carried by a guy who looked like his pants and underwear were down below his knees - Boystown amirite? The energy around Broadway and Clark was elating. Passing Belmont there were stages on each side with rival drag queen groups belting out motivational ballads. The streets were filled with cheering crowds reminding me that no matter how much my feet hurt, the entire city had my back today.

As I went down Sedgwick things started to look very familiar. One of my favorite mics, the Greenlight takes place on Sundays at a local watering hole a few feet from the turn. That's when I saw Maisie yelling and screaming in support. She never told me she'd be looking out for me but there she was being a kid sister with a heart of gold. Immediately when I saw her, I got a bit of a boost and was able to breeze through North Wells with relative ease; despite the fact that is was an unbroken 2 mile drag.

Near the end of Wells I regrouped with my sister and her family. I saw them before they saw me and I yelled at my brother-in-law to grab their attention. She skipped over to the crowd line and gave me a big hug. It was just before the thirteenth mile which I noted as being just shy of halfway. I could feel the sweat cooling on my back every time I stopped or stumbled past the shadow of a building. I just kept going, if for no other reason than I didn't want to become a flesh flavored Popsicle. Along that frigid stint I started thinking about all the things that led me to this point - the point which I need not remind you was the furthest I've run. I never made my 20 mile long run.

I started thinking about the weight loss, the awkward social interactions and late night comedic bombs, my ex and all the negative emotions that surround her. My guilt and anguish of what was lost when I left Arizona. Then something happened. I looked up at the Willis Tower and was reminded of the events of the nights before. The Friday night mic I hosted was one of the better ones we've done. What's more, I went karaoke-ing with friends including Raquel who had come to town to see one of her favorite bands. The fact that I was running a marathon the weekend of, was just a happy coincidence. Life was good.

I like snuggles.

I also snickered to myself over what transpired on Saturday night. Raquel and her gorgeous friend - let's call her Brie, had spent the night at my place and I graciously offered the bed while I took the couch. Feeling the freezing cold of a stately but old Chicago apartment in the fall, Brie suggested after the concert that we all huddle together in my bed half-naked in a cuddle puddle - a wholesome activity undermined by the phrase in the same way if you were to call a hotdog a dong sandwich. Nothing explicit happened but the sensation of being held by two attractive women in the comfort of my own bedroom was so relaxing and nice. Thinking of that - memories of my ex all but disappeared.

After another dip into downtown the race took us all to the West Loop passing Malcolm X College and the Whitney Young School. Pam said she'd be cheering from the sidelines along with a group from her school who were there to support another teacher. I never caught her but she assured me through text that my stuff had been dropped off to my parents. I was stumbling through the UIC area when a phone call interrupted my playlist. 

"Hello?" 
"You're making great time!" 

It was my mother. Not sure what possessed her to call me at that moment but every runner within earshot was tickled pink by the fact that my mom had called me in the middle of a marathon. "Mom, I have to control my breathing." "Okay, okay, where did you say you wanted to go afterwards though?" "Mom! I'm kinda busy." "Okay, text us later. We have your bag." "Okay cool, bye!"

Youch!!!

I tried to follow the advice of a sign I saw that said, "Find a Cute Bum and Follow It," but I'm embarrassed to say by mile 19 I was running on fumes. The sweat caking itself to my shirt had sabotaged the bandaids on my nipples. They just peeled away and drowned leaving me bunching my shirt like I was snapping suspenders like a Hispanic Steve Urkel. I went to the nearest medical tent and tried to reapply new bandaids but they simply flecked off within a minute like discount refrigerator magnets. I'd have to finish the race looking like I was clenching pearls.

By the time we got to Pilsen, the crowd was handing out bananas cut into thirds. I grabbed every piece of fruit offered as my body's moved me forward. At that point it felt like I was falling and my legs were just trying to keep up with the inertia of my torso. I was at my nadir. I walked and limped through the streets I was most familiar with - 18th, Blue Island, Halsted. All of it was a blur of lively mariachi music and sticky asphalt which had been stained by an ocean of Gatorade. I was still clutching my shirt when I saw the big red 20 in the distance. I hated that 20...I knew there was 6.2 left. Fml.

A funny, unexpected and weirdly inspiring moment came in the form of an out of shape white guy who sauntered a few paces ahead of me. A woman waiting on the sidelines extended her arm with half a banana, her eyes inviting him to snatch it from her hand. About four seconds before the two would meet, a man held out a Modelo right behind her. Naturally our runner went with the Modelo, shrugged his shoulders, laughed to himself and kept going. I found that moment almost too precious to bare. It was a candid moment of comedic bliss that was so perfect and so innately human that I felt joy just being near it. By that point the wall as it were, was starting to crack.

But the wall wasn't going away just yet - I still had Chinatown to contend with. By the time, I passed the entrance gate, my arms and legs were so heavy that I just let my nipples chafe. I wasn't running fast enough to turn them into lit firecrackers anyway. It was at this point better trained athletes started to maneuver past me. The 5:30 pacers which had been behind me the entire time, came coursing through the field which added to my disappointment in the moment. My hope to make it under 5 hours was completely gone.

I crossed the bridge along the Dan Ryan which served as one of the few elevated points in the race. My muscles and bones creaked as I made my way across into Bronzeville. When I rounded that corner, a man held a sign that said, "At This Point It's Just a 5K," the greatest framing device and motivation I got thus far. "I've done 5K's before," I said to myself. This will be nothing! My pace quickened.

Mile 25. My parents were waiting for me along with the rest of the Team Latinos cheering section. They had been driven all weekend by the Clancy's, long suffering family friends who lived in the northern suburbs and were arguably more excited to see me run than mom and pop. Bob Clancy even held a sign in support which I found out later was made by the Latinos group. I stopped for a moment.

"Did Pam give you my bag?" 
"Yeah." 
"I need ibuprofen." 
"Well, we don't have that." 
"It's in the bag." 
"The bag is in the car." 
"Oh, well I guess I'll just die then."

And with that I limped forward turning around for an instant to ask if anyone will be there with a blanket at the finish line.

South Loop. The sun had disappeared leaving a sky of grey clouds. A gust of wind flooded the narrow avenue between the buildings coaxing me to audibly say, "Really Chicago?" Then there was a sign, a beautiful, beautiful sign that said 1 Mile Left. I will swear to my dying day they nudged the mile markers forward a little each hour just to force slow runners to do a little more than needed. But like a flag in the distance on a Par 4, this beautiful little sign gave me the biggest boost of confidence. I mean, they changed the measurements just to make it sound easier! If there was a Mile 26 marker I didn't see it - just a Mile mark that swallowed up that last .2 and by God I was going to finish strong.

I bolted as quickly as my stiff, tired legs could muster. The sound that played in my ears was one of my favorite instrumental tracks of all time - There Once Was a Hushpuppy from the Beast of the Southern Wild soundtrack. Imagine if the Chariots of Fire theme and the Rocky theme had a baby and forced it to take up the trumpet and you'll maybe approach the epic-ness of There Once Was a Hushpuppy. It was a perfect selection as the city was ready to give me a hero's welcome and were screaming frantically. Tears ran down my cheek which didn't go unnoticed by strangers who uniformly gave me praise.

I passed the final corner completely ignoring Maisie who had organized a cheering section with a loose cadre of strangers just shy of the finish line. I ignored everything - the forming migraine, the nipples, the halo of lights that dizzied my eyes, the cheering which had melted into a quiet drone. Everything was silent except the song and my own exhausted breath. Even the voices in my head had stilled. There was no frantic worrying whining or self-defeating snark ping-ponging in my anxious brain in that moment. If there was a voice it was faint but certain.

"You will never doubt yourself ever again."

I crossed the finish line with a 5:40 time, tired, tearful and joyous. I wish I could tell you in that moment my mind was on a different plane of existence but when I crossed and hobbled over to grab my medal I said to myself, louder than I should of, "I want a damn cookie!" My parents and the Clancy's agreed to drive me to Sweet Mandy B's bakery for a victory cookie and cupcake. Maisie tagged along. Pam, Reese and my sister stopped by the bench I was propping myself up on to pay their respects. As did Maisie's parents via phone. When my dad approached to finally give me the ibuprofen he asked how many I'd like. "How many would kill me? One less than that." He then gave me one of his Vicodin.


Aly for her efforts beat me by thirty minutes which is truly as inspiring as it is annoying. Naw, she trained hard and trained well for the event unlike me who over did it then took extended breaks. I always knew she was a boss b***h but now she has the proof in the form of a medal, flowers, and an aluminum blanket that makes us all look like skinny little baked potatoes in pictures.

After cookies, I climbed up the three floors to my room and collapsed into my bed without a shower. Later that evening I got calls from Shirley and guy Casey as well as texts from more friends and roommates congratulating me for a job well done. I was too distracted by the smell of my own filth to pay much attention but I do remember thanking them. I took a shower then scuttled back to bed. I had the best sleep of my life knowing that in the city of big shoulders, I could finally walk tall.

5 More Days

Ah! Why did I decide to make a countdown the theme for this week?! Just looking at the title fills me with anxiety! Just thinking about running 26.2 miles makes me winded yet here I go attempting the near impossible.

In fairness I've been training all year though if I was honest with myself, I haven't been training as hard as I should with extended breaks on Thanksgiving (because of food poisoning) and in early August (due to injury). Even while training I never really pushed myself as far as I could go so a ten mile run is about all I can comfortably do. adding 16.2 more to that, I'll be dead by the end, that's if I reach the end.

My friend Aly is keeping herself motivated (she also doubts her discipline but she actually made it to 20 miles). In order to stay motivated she's dedicated each mile to someone or something that's near and dear to her heart which I thought was a neat idea. She claims it's not just a display of gratitude but a welcome distraction as your body in slowly shutting down mile by mile.

When I was in Americorp, we had a similar thing where we wrote down who or what we're dedicating our service year to. I dedicated my City Year jacket to ten or so teachers that inspired me to become a better life-long learner and as lame as that sounds, it actually helped ground me. So inspired by Aly and my time trying to "make better happen," I'm going to do basically the exact same thing. But unlike Aly I'm going to explain myself because I need to write...something...

Mile 1 - Latinos Progresando
I mean, makes sense to put the non-profit I'm raising money for at the top. LP helps provide support for immigrant families in the greater Chicago area through legal services, scholarships, cultural events and education. I was immediately drawn to the work they do both as a Latino and as a person who has seen up close what immigrants have to go through in a foreign land.

Mile 2 - My Mom
My mom indulges my various passions and hair-brained ideas in the only way a mother could. My parents will be there for the Marathon waiting by the Pilsen stop to cheer me on and then waiting at the finish line to put a blanket around me and get me to a hospital.

Mile 3 -Maisie
As I've mentioned before, my friends are crucial to me. Maisie has been a little sister to me for the past seven years and in that time I've seen her grow into a kind and wonderful human being. Her laugh fills the room and her ability to down an entire fifth of vodka with little more than a shrug fills me with envy.

Mile 4 - Guy Casey
While I've only known him for a year or so, Guy Casey has been crucial in my struggle to understand my depression and anxiety. He's a strong-willed, incredibly talented and giving person and I really hope out of all the comics I know, he's one who makes it.

Mile 5 - My brother Pedro
Pedro is my closest brother in age and emotionally as he's the only one I remember really living with (we also lived together briefly in college). He's a good-hearted person with a wonderful wife and two darling kids. He's had more challenges than myself including a minor health scare this past week but he's never stopped staying positive which I admire.

Mile 6 - City Year and Americorp
I spent only a year doing the hardest job I've ever had yet that year made quite an impact on me. I've made life-long friends in that time and still appreciate the organization for what it did for me and what it tried to do for the city I love so much.

Mile 7 - Reese
Speaking of life-long friends I made in Americorp - Reese. More than most they helped me truly develop a sense of self after my breakup and had the patience to stick with me when I was in my nadir.

Mile 8 - My brother Douglas
Next in age is my brother Douglas who never fails to laugh at my jokes. He's a funny guy in his own right and he's also the only brother I know to have struggled with depression. He's got a wife and two children.

Mile 9 -  Aly
The person who I harangued into this and will likely beat me to the finish line by two hours. She's the angel on my shoulders and has been since I came to Chicago.

Mile 10 - Shirley
If Aly is the angel on my shoulders, Shirley is my well-meaning but snarky devil. She's always quick with an insult but still has a good heart and a lot of comedic talent. She's also one of my newest friends so let's see if she'll last.

Mile 11 - My sister Tanya
Tanya, her three children and her husband will be in attendance during the Marathon. Not sure if it's for support or strictly for mockery but there it is. Tanya also had mental health issues in the past so it's good we have that in common.

Mile 12 - My Work Crew
My co-workers keep me motivated to do my best. They've been supportive of my goal to do the Marathon since the beginning and they've been patient with me as I've struggled with my issues.

Mile 13 - My Dad
Only makes sense to put my father around my limit.

Mile 14 - Steve
My buddy Steve is the only one that stuck it out past the improv classes I took last year. He's a fun-loving, extroverted maniac but I love him anyway. He also has a daughter who is a delight but has been going through health crisis after health crisis. I partially dedicate this mile to her as well.

Mile 15 - Jan
Jan has been my friend since freshman year of college and e still talk off and on. Her generosity of spirit has always been something I admire and I enjoy the way she carries authority as a teacher in a benevolent way.

Mile 16 - Clark
One of my movie theater friends who's been around for a minute. We bonded over old films and theater and he has since moved to New York to pursuit his dreams. I've always admired his talent and his positivity in the face of adversity. He's another one I'm sure will make it if for no other reason than he's never really doubted himself.

Mile 17 - Yorick and Brad
Two friends I've known since high school and arguably the oldest friends I have. Both have kids now and have drifted slightly but life always has a way of bringing them back into the fore. Yorick last visited me a couple of months ago for the Pokemon Go Fest that was happening in Grant Park. As for Brad, I was a groomsmen in his wedding.

Mile 18 - My brother Jason
The next in the long line of siblings (I'm the youngest), Jason has two kids and a wife who have been supportive for the last few years despite me not seeing much of them. Jason's one of the funniest people I know and after me and Pedro, had the toughest time with my father.

Mile 19 - Emily
Emily was one of my improv buddies from last year who has since moved out to Connecticut. She still calls me though which is always a surprise and a pleasure. She's a truly kind person who more than anyone else I know isn't afraid to be herself. She's also among the most open people I know.

Mile 20 - Pam
Pam has volunteered/promised to mock me on the day of the race with treats and drinks. Many say by mile 20, people start to drop out like flies so by this point, I will need her motivation.

Mile 21 - Raquel
Another friend I've known for years, she will be in Chicago for the weekend of the Marathon but will be leaving just after it begins. She's here to see a concert with a friend so it was a happy coincidence she'll likely be one of the last people I'll talk to before croaking.

Mile 22 - Girl Casey
Casey recently had a two person sketch show at Second City and the results were stupendous! She's hilarious and one of the best co-hosts a person could ask for.

Mile 23 - Jim
Another friend from college who has since moved on and has a wife and kid. He's a gifted writer and fun to be around in his own understated way.

Mile 24 - My brother Kevin
The eldest of my brothers and arguably the one who "did it right" with 2.5 kids, a wife, two cars and nice house. He has my pity.

Mile 25 - Immigrants and refugees everywhere
I consider myself an immigrant despite the fact that I became an American citizen immediately after birth (I was born overseas). I truly feel for those who's desire it is to have a better, more stable life but can't because of red tape and unwarranted cruelty.

Mile 26 - Those with depression and anxiety
It is only this year that I have realized the true gravity of these mental disorders and have had to deal with the fallout. To those who are not strong enough in the moment to struggle through their lives, know that there is always someone out there to help alleviate some of that discomfort.

.2 Miles - The city of Chicago
This is home.

7 Days

I'm officially a week away from the Chicago Marathon and I am beyond worried. The farthest I have run at one time was 13 miles or a little less than half of a marathon. Those 13 miles, combined with a biking trip through Columbus, Indiana had my foot out of commission for 3 weeks. I have not been training as hard as I could/should so when the 13th rolls around I will be all kinds of screwed. I will be in the last corral which means that there is a more than 0% chance I'll be the last to cross the finish line. More than likely however, I won't even finish.

That said, I'm giving it my best. I will be buying a new pair of running shoes with orthopedics so I won't be hobbling on worn down soles. I'll probably also splurge on a King's Spa massage to loosen up and relax my muscles ahead of the race.

Throughout my year of running, I have been developing a music playlist on Spotify. Because nothing is really worth it unless you're developing a soundtrack for it. 8 Hours and 53 Minutes worth of tunes that get me moving and grooving. If you're interested here's the link:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3IQCsb6JkCGQM0Pfs1IjzQ?si=1D1uu0nrR5KOjmF1Jjijlg

 

 

Here are some of the highlights:
1. Burn the House Down by AJR
2. Happy by C2C
3. Steady, As She Goes by The Raconteurs
4. Runnin' Down a Dream by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
5. High Enough by K. Flay
6. I'll Make a Man Out of You from the Mulan Soundtrack
7. Roma Fade by Andrew Bird
8. Tornado by Wintergarten
9. Doped Up Dollies On a One Way Ticket to Ride by Big D and the Kid's Table
10. Drive It Like You Stole It from the Sing Street Soundtrack
11. Tears Into Wine by Billy Talent
12. Wicked Ones by Dorothy
13.  Worse Than Death by The Anti-Queens
14. A Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley

That's all I got for now. Gotta keep runnin'...