Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Year: 2014
Genre: Sci-Fi Comedy/Sci-Fi Action
Directed: Jonathan Liebesman
Stars: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner, Tony Shalhoub, Whoopi Goldberg
Production: Paramount Pictures

I wish I was a fly on the wall the day Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was conceptualized. Better yet I wish I was there when it was pitched as a comic-book and cartoon franchise. Despite being completely absurd, the franchise as a whole has some serious legs chugging along through multiple re-imaginings and mediums. Yet this reincarnation of the boyhood staple, helmed by Jon Leibesman and produced by king of panem et circenses Michael Bay is just listless, characterless and crude. Bay’s trick with Transformers (2007-Present) has been baiting its audience for years in the hopes that with each inferior sequel maybe one day they’ll be one that brings it back to the heights of the first. But with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles there’s no such bait.

Welcome back mindless T&A

April O’Neil (Megan Fox) is a tough and resourceful news report…no scratch that, she’s just a news reporter who stumbles onto a plot by the infamous crime syndicate the Footmen. Before she can get the scoop on their plan, a clandestine group of assassins appear out the night and foil the Footmen’s plot, whatever that initially was. Now April is on the hunt for the mystery men in the night with the help of her trusty…no tenacious…smarmy…that’s the word, smarmy cameraman Vernon (Will Arnett).

I suppose there’s not much point in the mystery; the assassins are in fact the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There’s Donatello the smart one (you can tell because he wears glasses), Rafael the hot head (you can tell cause he’s always pissed), Michelangelo the funny one (you can tell cause he cracks wise), and Leonardo the leader (you can tell because he’s all leader-like). Not only that but the turtles and their master Splinter have a very special and unlikely connection to April, a connection that may lead to their ruination.

Not that any of this matters since the turtles, their history, their preoccupation with the Footmen, their shadowy leader Shredder and Shredder’s plan to create destruction and mayhem are all prerequisites that are seemly tossed in like yesterday’s late homework. No this movie isn't about character development and plotting; it’s about explosions, car chases, fistfights and lots, and lots of shaky-cam. Through Megan Fox’s at times questionable choices, we as the audience tour through set piece after set piece with everything moving too fast to be recognizable. It’s like being drunk at a carnival rushing through the rides five minutes before closing time; its jarring, its dizzying and nothing sticks other than half-ingested popcorn to the ground.

This just isn't gonna end well...

Jonathan Liebesman wishes he had Michael Bay’s visual flair which might have actually been the perfect for TMNT (I seriously mean that without any sense of sarcasm). Alas instead of Bay’s telephoto lens pans, his optical zooms and his grand-scale explosions, we’re faced with Liebesman’s shaky-cam which fit in Battle: Los Angeles (2011) but not here, no not here. Seriously is this guy the Herod of tripods? Does he walk around studios and decapitates them all until one there finally appears a special tripod and absolves him from the sin of deflating a movie franchise?

Little known fact: JC actually a tripod

I guess this movie was popular enough in the Cineplexes to warrant a sequel which in spite of this mess, I’m rooting for. But unless the creators can give there actors and amphibians more than one broadly rendered trait, beef up the story to meet the action and actually show said action in an entertaining way I’m afraid we’re going to have TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooff!

Guys...this has been done before

Final Grade: F

The Zero Theorem

Year: 2013
Genre: Sci-Fi Comedy/Sci-Fi Fantasy
Directed: Terry Gilliam
Stars: Chritoph Waltz, Melanie Thierry, David Thewlis, Lucas Hedges, Matt Damonm Tilda Swinton
Production: Voltage Pictures


Depending on whom you ask there are two types of films coming out of the independent film movement of today. There are the character pieces which are usually small budgeted and encompassing a wide range of raw human emotion. There are some which are absolutely stellar like Frances Ha (2013), Palo Alto (2014) and The Skeleton Twins (2014). But while these chamber pieces are interesting and often poignant they do have the tendency to be vanity projects for the Hollywood elite.

Then again, his visions have always been outlandish.

The Zero Theorem (2014) however belongs to a later category; one which includes such heady fair as The Tree of Life (2011), Cloud Atlas (2012) and The Fountain (2006). It’s a film which tries to encompass complex intellectual concepts like the meaning of life, theological precepts and theoretical physics. Director Terry Gilliam who has never shied away from such big ideas since being a member of Monty Python bites off quite a lot and largely succeeds in having the audience swallow his outlandish vision.

Christoph Waltz plays a much more severe version of Sam (Jonathan Pryce) from Brazil (1985) as Qohen Leth (spelled “Q” no “U” “OHEN”). So intent is he to understand the purpose of his life that he has waited by his phone for years waiting for a voice he once heard to tell him the answer he would have heard had he not dropped the receiver. When not waiting he shuffles off to work at an omnipotent and oppressive corporation as a “figure”-cruncher and has tried repeatedly to arrange to work at home claiming disability. Finally after weeks of pleading, he gets his wish granted directly from the Ariel-like Management (Matt Damon) on the condition that he works on a hush-hush project called the Zero Theorem.

One of the major themes embedded in the story is a philosophical one; what is real, what is make-believe and does it matter? While Qohen toils on what appears to be a giant iphone with the most complicated game of Jenga on it ever, he’s seduced by a nymph named Bainsley (Melanie Thierry). Qohen initially has no interest in human contact yet through Bainsley’s prodding he connects on an intimate level via virtual reality suit. The Utopia they program in cyberspace becomes his one vestige from the Theorem that has become his obsession and the company that has become his slave-driver. Just like in Brazil, the romance becomes the prime motivator to the main character and ultimately brings him out of his pensive, near-solitary state.

Paradoxes abound in Zero Theorem starting with the fact that Qohen waits for a phone call that may never come to give him meaning. The irony is that he’s so afraid to miss the fabled ring that his life has become a meaningless purgatory situated in the decaying edifice of a hollowed out monastery. To make matters worse, Management has set him out to prove mathematically through the Zero Theorem *spoiler alert* that life itself is meaningless. Then there’s the parlance trick of having Qohen refer to himself as “we” instead of “I” which not only gives a nod to Ayn Rand’s “Anthem” but creates yet another paradox.

Of course Zero Theorem cannot be a Terry Gilliam film without his trademark visual pageantry and bug-eyed, cartoon-like cinematography. The future world surrounding Qohen, Bainsley and the rest of the cast is brightly colored if plastic and fake. Ads pop out of everything shilling time shares and sharing the Book of Batman while every man, woman and machine is on the move. Instead of a future where everything with a computer chip is pocket-sized, the world has become an amalgam of hulking apparatuses, wires and liquid vials. The only solace from such bedlam is in dreams which if you’re Qohen is no solace at all.

All hail St. Terry!

Bent on pondering the big theological questions and clocking in at 107 minutes, Zero Theorem is clearly not for everyone. Yet those who have already seen Gilliam’s work and/or those who have seriously considered the big picture will be rewarded by a film so simultaneously meditative and brassy. Instead of a movie, Terry Gilliam has provided a homily; a life-altering experience that may just shake you to your core. Failing that, it’s still a cool movie to gawk at.

Final Grade: A-

Top "One-Word" Movie Quotes

This is an e-mail exchange between a good friend and myself in an attempt to find and express our favorite one-word movie quotes. His response is highlighted in violet while mine are in black.

4. "Plastics"-The Graduate (1967)
Dry humor at its finest. something about a college graduate makes everybody think that they need to give them important advice.  something about the way Mr. Robinson has his arm around Ben Braddock, the sheer cockiness that what he has to say is going to blow his mind with how smart it is.  That pause right before he says it that lasts just long enough to make it awkward. And of course the pure irony that the movie displays it as silly advice, and that investing in plastics ended up being very good advice seeing how many things are manufactured in plastics since the '60s.

3. "Rosebud"-Citizen Kane (1941)
Not only one of the most famous one-word lines, one of the most famous lines in general.  Considered to be one of the greatest films ever and the whole film revolves around this man's last words, the way he says it, the zoom in on the lips, the gentleness of it, you can tell how much he cared about it.  The twist of what it represents;  it leaves you in such mystery when he says it. Its a great way to kick off the film, you need to know the meaning of what this word means to this man.

2. "Elaine!"-The Graduate (1967)
I had hard time choosing the shouting of names, "Adrian!", "Shane!", "Stella!". I'm sure you are surprised I didn't pick the one from my favorite film.  Something about the beat change that occurs in this line is just great.  You have Dustin Hoffman running all around trying to find the love of his life, to the tune of Mrs. Robinson. It's very fast paced, driving fast, running fast. He's all out of breath. Then he stops. The music goes quiet. There is a large window of glass separating him from Elaine.  He's seeing the worst thing he can see and if only there is something he could do. your heart has stopped wondering what will happen. "ELAAAIINNEE!" with the pounding on the glass the pure essence of "I don't want you to do this, I love you, I want you, I'm sorry, come with me, I don't want to lose you." all boiled down to one word yelled, and the way he pounds on the glass almost like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I love that moment so much.

1. "Freedom"-Braveheart (1995)
The message of the film clearly yelled. A martyr dying for the purpose of freedom, "any last words?", sure how about I scream why I'm doing this and let it echo in the ears of theater-goers for years after they see the movie.  I can't think of a more passionate, emotion filled cry in any other word in any other movie.  I know the movie is really drilling in the point of the idea  but I really consider Braveheart the ultimate movie about freedom (well actually Spartacus, but Braveheart is a close 2nd).  It would be like if the Movie Gandhi ended with Gandhi screaming "PACIFISM!". you really feel how important this man believes in the idea that he is fighting for and dying for.

This is going to be a hard one. Mainly because you chose two of the best (Rosebud and Freedom) right off the bat. I'll try to come up with a list that would bring diversity in the proceedings and at the same time point out that both quotes I'd otherwise put on my list are B.S.. "Rosebud" was said to no one so how could the newspapermen and their editors know what Charles Kane's last words were? As for "Freedom;" never actually materialized for the Scots both during William Wallace's time and just a few weeks ago.

4. "Toga!" from Animal House (1978)

I had been building an impressive DVD collection for years by the time my freshman year of college came. The first film I watched in my college dorm room on my brand-used 12 inch screen TV was National Lampoon's Animal House; still the absolute gold standard for college themed movies. What better way to exemplify the films bacchanalian spirit than with Bluto (John Belushi) screaming "Toga!" at the top of his lungs? With those immortal words the boys of Delta House muster up the materials for a "Roman Toga Party...which received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here."

 

3. "Khaaan!" from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Captain Kirk; a man so resourceful he battled a Gorn using only his hands and ingenuity. A man who tricked the NOMAD with a contradictory statement and spotted a cloaking Bird of Prey from the dark recesses of space (yes I know I'm a nerd). Kirk finally meets his match with Khan Noonien Singh. Khan had just taken the Genesis Machine and left Kirk and his crew marooned in the center of a dead planet. With no plan of action or escape, Kirk lets out a blistering yell, screaming out the name of his foe. So next time you're back is up against a corner try yelling in Shatneresque fashion. It might make you feel better.

 

2. "Bueller?" from Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

Actor, writer, comedian, political commentator and evolution denier Ben Stein has made a career out of being the the least liked guy in the room. No where is that more clear than in Ferris Bueller's Day Off a film I personally don't like that much but admit its memorable. Ben Stein plays a bit part as a droning History teacher who calls Ferris's name during attendance, only to find that once again the habitually truant student is not at his desk. Where is he? Ruining a parade, sneaking into a 4-star restaurant, going to a Cub's game and wrecking his sick friend's car all for his sick satisfaction.

1. "Whoa" from The Matrix (1999)

Oh Keanu Reeves. Despite such a limited range, the man is in so many memorable films and is given a good amount of priceless lines. If it's not the hundred or so "bogus's" in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1991) or Johnny Mnemonic (1995) "It's a Fish," there's this gem from The Matrix which 1. does a good job expressing my thoughts on the Wachowski Siblings masterpiece and 2. expresses my disbelief of his impressive career. The man played Buddha for godsakes! Not well but he did! He has one hell of an agent.

Notes from the Usher Podium: Razing Arizona

So I'm going to start this article with a rare retraction. My previous statements about the State of Arizona and the City of Mesa were false. They were said in a moment of outward positivity and injected with liberal amounts of hope. Since I have settled in the Grand Canyon State and observed the people who populate it, I realize now that this homunculus patch of dirt is trying to spit me out like a batch of expired cactus salsa.

The trouble started as soon as we got a new apartment. Without money and sleeping on an inflatable mattress, our Spartan living left us with little to do but explore. Additionally my computer has had a reoccurring charger issue which finally reached its breaking point two weeks after our arrival. My girlfriend's computer became our only access point to the larger world though its ability to play DVDs has halted. Without a television, a DVD player or a comfortable mattress we went out often to find affordable fun.

Driving in a AC-less car across the valley I couldn't help but notice how myopic the local population is. Everyone seems to be from someplace else yet they all have the same chip on their shoulders and have a complete inability to notice anyone else. Like mules with blinders on they go through their lives stubbornly unaware of how small and precious their world really is. There are no recycling programs here; All the toilets are dual flush and everyone is either driving a Lexus or a pickup truck. Most large storefronts have these mist-ers


Are you serious?! We're in a drought!!!

providing a constant stream of water to those sitting outside. The irony is no one sits outside so these places are wasting gallons of water for no good reason. This place is one big haboob away from being lost to the world yet everyone is scarfing down their hamburgers and lazily treading the local mall like it's going out of style.

The culture here is a real problem for me. There is no culture. The Mexican and Native American influences that make New Mexico a must see have been relegated to little disconnected nooks so white people can feel like they're slumming it then walk to Starbucks for a latte. What's left is a culture with no past or future; as disposable as wetnap and as complex as an amoeba.

Pictured: Everyone who ever gave you a noogie

The nearby town of Tempe is a bustling college town lacking a diversity of bookstores and food yet is the closest thing to home I've seen. The one few moments of relative calm came when the lady and I went to World of Beer and I had my first Founders in over two months. Despite a young population, Tempe doesn't seem to have much behind it. It's like all the people you disliked in high school went to college in the same place. Nearby ASU is known as one of the largest party schools in the nation...so hurray for that.

In the middle of the valley sits the hamlet of Scottsdale, less the art center it boasts to be and more a white-washed bastion of faux-multiculturalism. It almost feels like a zoo. The city has everything a human would need like food, water, toys and souvenir shopping yet faced with the world surround it, it feels completely out of place and fake. It's like Thomas Kinkade and Norman Rockwell created a miniature town for a movie production the populated it with grotesque Caucasian stereotypes.

Lies! All lies!

Finally there's Mesa itself which unlike the touristy Scottsdale or the bacchanalian Tempe is where people seem to actually live. Again people have artificially constructed a world all their own. The only time anyone interacts with one another (other than familiar relations) is when concealed carry

This is not going to end well...

drivers rear-end each other on the road. The common thread in these various worlds is the mysticism and idolization of the Wild West at least among the elderly. Among the young there is complete disconnect and ignorance of anything outside their own social circles. Between the revolving door of concerts and Instagram updates there seems little time to dedicate to anything else. I'd be fine with this ignorance if it were complimented with a willingness to learn but alas a fear of change is baked into them.

I won't divulge the office politics of my new employer other than to say that work is the one silver lining that has kept me relatively sane. Sane being a relative term as mere weeks into project Manifest Dreadfully I lost my wallet which had my Michigan drivers license, my social security card, my various bank cards, my Chicago Public Library card and my Blockbuster card which I keep as a joke. My only means of identification are my Passport and my birth certificate (issued in Guatemala and therefore in Spanish) and my proof of citizenship birth abroad (only a copy).

My immediate task was cancelling my cards which was done before anyone tried to use them. My guess is my wallet is in a garbage dump somewhere and not in someone's pocket as I haven't gotten any alerts. My bank quickly became the least of my worries as I had already changed my address to Mesa. However in issuing a new card they are also trying to send a new activation code which comes separately from the card. I've waited two weeks and have yet to receive the code which expires in a month.

My driver's license is another story entirely. I have made three attempts to get one from the DMV or what they call in Arizona, the Motor Vehicle Services. The first time they outright refused to accept my birth certificate as it was in another language. They did give me a paper with valid forms of ID which includes an SS Card. Ironic since I need a license to get my SS Card. You'd think in a border state you'd have at least one person who could be a translator but no dice.

The second time I wrongfully assumed the un-activated bank card I have would have worked but again I was rebuffed by a surly public office lackey. Additionally as my former license was issued in Michigan they needed to locate my driving records from another server. Finally on the third try I brought everything...passport, non-functioning bank card, W-2 forms, copy of my Michigan driver's license and a copy of my SS card which were provided by my employer, mail from my current address, bills, paystubs, a High School Yearbook, medical records; if I wanted to I could take the papers I brought and build a replica of the tree they pulped. It seemed I was out of the woods...then their system crashed.

You'll never end me Arizona, NEVER!

Everyone I've asked has said they love it here. Once the heat dies down, the excellent weather will make all my problems go away. I certainly hope this is the case and I no longer have to dip into a warm pool after 9pm to finally get the sweat off my brow. I've been reading into what is commonly referred to as the Arizona black hole theory which is simply: you'll never leave Arizona once you reside here. This prospect scares the hell out of me. For while I try to make the best out of every situation and my support system is strong, I can't stand the idea of living in one place for more than eight years. Let alone a place hot enough to cook an egg on the sidewalk.

Sex Tape

Year: 2014
Genre: Comedy, Sex Comedy
Directed: Jake Kasdan
Stars: Cameron Diaz, Jason Segel, Rob Corddry, Rob Lowe, Ellie Kemper, Nat Faxon
Production: Sony Pictures

Sex Tape breaks the cardinal rule of comedy: It’s not funny. I realize humor is highly subjective but I watched it in a theater full of the prime demographic (underage teens who snuck in and the Happy Madison crowd) and a pin could be heard dropping due to the lack of laughter. What’s more, Sex Tape couldn’t even satisfy on a prurient level. That’s right, a movie called Sex Tape didn’t even titillate.



Get ready for years of therapy kid

Even I understand the "Cloud" dingus

Muppets: After Dark

Ultimately “Sex Tape” follows “No Strings Attached” and “A Good Old Fashioned Orgy” in the unnecessary trend of raunchy sex-related comedies that are light on both sex and comedy despite having some pretty impressive casts. I put money on the DVD release putting emphasis on the “unrated” version providing no extra skin but cheaper, dumber jokes that were taken out for good reason. If I were you I’d just save your money.

The story begins with Annie (Cameron Diaz), mother of two, reminiscing over the glory days when her husband Jay (Jason Segel in his 5^th role playing a character named Jay or Jason) and her used to go at it like rabbits. Cue the montage of “comedic” sex scenes which conveniently cover up the good bits. After the two realize things aren’t how they used to be, they come up with the idea of making a three hour sex tape. Due to a synching mix-up, Jay accidently delivers the sex tape to friends and family including Annie’s possible business partner and their own children.

Okay, let’s say you buy into the unlikely scenario and let’s say that two people who make their living on the computer (she’s a blogger, he’s a music exec) don’t know how “the Cloud” works or know how to remotely remove the video; I doubt you’d swallow the frenzy of half-concocted ways they attempt to get the video back. Jay nearly get’s mauled by a German Shepherd and Annie does cocaine when they simply could have said “Hey I need my iPad back, there are a few things synched on it that I don’t want you to see.” Simple, quick, to the point and doesn’t have to involve breaking and entering. But hey, this is a comedy…things don’t have to make sense.

And make sense they certainly don’t. Absurd moments meant to be funny include Rob Lowe’s straight businessman rocking out to Slayer with pictures of his face imprinted on Disney iconography hang in the background, Jack Black playing a porn proprietor taking two minutes to list off the competition and Rob Corddry and Ellie Kemper having sex in a minivan; none of which is funny. I think I let out a brief, fleeting chuckle twice. I laughed more watching “Saving Private Ryan” than this movie. All I was thinking while watching it was how far the two leads have just fallen. It’s surprising that a movie of such abominable quality can be penned by Segel and Nick Stoller, the duo responsible for The Muppets reboot.

You fools! Foools!

Final Grade: F

Thoughts from the Usher Podium: Go West Young Man

Once again we're headed past them there hills!

It has sense been over a month since I last wrote on this blog. There is a reason for this, in the past few months I haven't been watching as many films as I should to keep up with my goal. Life as it were, takes unexpected and occasionally marvelous turns. In the past few months I have gained employment in Mesa, Arizona far and away from my home in Lansing, Michigan. Within a few weeks I had to settle all debts including last month's rent, move all our knick-knacks and such to my parents house and perform triage on my stuff. I could only bring the bare-essentials since we couldn't afford a U-Haul so we packed what we absolutely needed into the back of an air-condition-less 2002 Chevy Malibu.

Like being birthed in a new frightening world

I'll spare the details of my trip since my luck was truthfully better than my first experience out west via Greyhound. Besides, all incidents that did occur only make me look foolish. After two and a half days, I finally made it to my new home. My lady was waiting for me when I got there. She decided to go early to find employment of her own and unlike me she has family in Arizona. She drew a bath for me as I hadn't bathed or changed clothes at all during that time. I cringed in the fetal position in the tub until all the layers of dirt, dust and sweat finally dissipated; sucking down bottles upon bottles of water.


One thing they don't tell you in the travel brochure is everything in Arizona is trying to kill you. With an average summer temperature over 100 degrees, a catalog of poisonous arachnids and reptiles not to mention the fire ants and crappy drivers I'm surprised everyone in Arizona is so chill. Everyone we've met has been helpful, the city is surprisingly easy to navigate through (except for the aforementioned drivers) and there are plenty of places to find free bottled water. The people here are so friendly that it almost makes you forget you're in the "show me your papers" State. Still the sun has been so harsh the past few days my skin has gone from Frank Black to Barry White. It's like being baked in an oven while being smothered with a body pillow. We found an apartment, a grocery store, a coffee shop and a "we have everything" video rental; I'm officially broke.

Broke but employed and pretty happy. The only thing missing are a close-nit group of friends. Having moved multiple times I know friendship takes time and happens organically but I do miss the camaraderie and common interests from those I left behind. A close friend of mine, whose passion for movie watching matches yours truly has made it a habit of keeping in touch and sending correspondents.We have been asking each other to make lists of various movie subjects for our own entertainment. After a few back and forths, we decided our musings would make good blogspot fodder. So without further ado, here's whats been on our collective movie-crazed mind. For the ease of the reader, my correspondents will be in black while his will be in violet.

Top Three Product Placements in a Movie

3. Subway in Happy Gilmore (1996)

One of Adam Sandler's best films (and that's not saying much) also has one of the best product placements in all of cinema history. It's good because it's seamlessly interwoven with the story; Happy (Adam Sandler) can't quite raise enough money in time to save his Grandmother's house (Frances Bay) from being repossessed. So what does he do? He trades in his good name in the world of golf to sell Subway sandwiches in a TV commercial. What we end up with is a three-fer: A throwaway gag worth a chuckle, a part of the plot that doesn't seem out of place and a product being hawked in a non-awful way. If only Sandler's brand could be easily sold nowadays.

Why you got to break balls dude?

3. Twinkies in Zombieland (2009)

A world ridden with zombies, then you bring in Tallahassee.  The toughest mothaf***er you've ever seen. King Arthur's quest was to seek the Holy Grail. Woody Harrelson's quest is to seek the golden fluffy deliciousness that is a Hostess Twinkie, and when you make your product the only solace to a man in post-apocalyptic world, you're gonna see a rise in those profits.

2. Century 21st in Fright Night (2011)Let's paint the picture in case you haven't seen Fright Night. The main character Charley (Anton Yelchin) is cornered in the back of a pickup truck by the main villain, a vampire named Jerry (Colin Farrell). As Jerry explains how painful a stake to the heart is going to be to the cowering Charley, Charley's mother (Toni Collette) sneaks up behind Jerry and stabs him in the back with a 21st Century Real Estate sign. Jerry scampers away injured, the bright yellow sign always in view protruding out of Jerry's back as the band of heroes make their escape. Brilliant.

I hunger for competitive real-estate listings!

2. DeLoreonHere is how great this product placement is. I DON'T EVEN NEED TO SAY THE NAME OF THE MOVIE! This movie (Back to the Future (1985)) put Deloreons on the map. Everybody wants to be like Marty McFly and Everybody wants to travel in time. I still have a dream to own one myself and drive it at 88 Mph.  Here's the best part, I had a teacher who told me they are still able to sell these at a pretty expensive rate, but they are terrible cars. one problem is that since the doors are battery powered, if the battery dies you can't manually open the door. I think someone died as a result of that. but since Robert Zemeckis made a film that made it cool to own these, people are still driving around in this pricy metal death-trap.

Where we're going we don't need roads...

1. Coca-Cola in The Gods Must Be Crazy (1980)
Not only is Coca-Cola interwoven with the plot in The Gods Must Be Crazy, the product is the plot. Far from civilization a tribe of bushmen come across an empty Coke bottle and believe it to be a gift from the Gods. After realizing the bottle has introduced concepts of ownership, jealousy and malice to the tribe, one warrior bravely ventures to the edge of the world to return the bottle to the Gods. What better way to position yourself as the everlasting champion of soft drinks by downright declaring yourself a gift from the Gods.

All hail high-fructose!

1. Pepsi Pulse in World War Z (2013) (2nd Zombie Movie on this list, weird)
I'm pretty sure you said you hadn't seen the movie so I'll have to explain this bad-ass scene.  Brad Pitt has just gained immunity from the zombies, he has to make his way to the exit that the scientists blockaded for safety. So Pitt makes a distraction for the zombies. He breaks a Pepsi machine and a bunch of cans noisily clank out on to the linoleum floor. Pan up from these noisy cans to see Pitt relaxed for the first time in this edge-of-your seat thriller to see him leaning against the soda machine enjoying a nice can of Pepsi Pulse, then he casually walks toward the exit while hundreds of zombies are running towards the noise, with Pitt walking through a swarm of zombies drinking a soda. This is the coolest Brad Pitt has ever been in a movie; and he played Tyler Durden! He finds a cure to zombie infections, and saves the world because of Pepsi. Holy Shit is that a good product placement!

Let's Be Cops

Year: 2014
Genre: Comedy
Directed: Luke Greenfield
Stars: Jake Johnson, Damon Wayans Jr., Nina Dobrev, Rob Riggle, James D'Arcy, Andy Garcia, Keegan-Michael Key, Jonathan Lejoie
Production: 20th Century Fox


Don’t be fooled by the sophomoric title which conjures up images of idiots pretending to be cops to pick up chicks, get free things and otherwise act like fools in uniform…wait, that is what happens in this film. Still don’t be fooled by the title, the movie isn’t so much face-palming as it is just mildly and reliably silly.

The movie stars Jake Johnson of New Girl (2011-2014) fame as a burned out former college sports prodigy who’s currently unemployed and single in sunny Los Angeles. His roommate Damon Wayans Jr. is a videogame designer who struggles to bring his ideas to life thanks to a petrifying fear of taking initiative. His new game pitch involves a Grand Theft Auto-type RPG boasting an authentic beat cop experience. So authentic in fact, that he borrows real police uniforms to place on his presentation mannequins. His boss doesn't go for it but at least the two can become a hit at a costume party, thus beginning a ruse that grabs the attention of the ladies, the criminals and the LAPD.

The film adds very little to the buddy cop genre save a realistic performance by Rob Riggle as a legit Police officer. The villains are serviceable in menace and acting ability while love interest Nina Dobrev of the ever popular Degrassi: The Next Generation (2006-2009) is breathtaking T&A. The notion of Dobrev’s character aspiring to be a makeup artist and not an actress or model is about as silly as Fred Astaire aspiring to be a shoe-shiner. Try as they might the chemistry between the two leads is cordial but no where near the level of Murtaugh and Briggs, Cates and Hammond, Lee and Carter. At best they’re Freebie and the Bean (1974) without the pretense of already being A-List stars.

But let’s be real, this film isn’t trying to be the next Rush Hour (1998), and yes that is the new marker of quality. It’s a movie that tries to reassemble the old Blockbuster video crowd who rented Martin Lawrence’s National Security (2003) and All About the Benjamins (2002) a hundred times because old habits die hard and The Marine (2006) was already rented out. While Johnson and Wayans Jr. may not have the established fan base of Martin Lawrence or Ice Cube, there’s no denying the films refreshing lack of pretense and the actors’ enthusiasm towards the one-trick pony screenplay.

Let’s cut the BS, what it all comes down to in movies like this is can it make you laugh? The short answer is yes and not just scattered chuckles either. Is it worth a re-watch; probably not. There are some truly inspired moments many of which are provided by Keegan-Michael Key (If Key and Jordan Peele were cast as the hapless fake cops instead of Johnson and Wayans who knows how deliciously absurd this movie could have gotten). Yet the buddy-banter all feels recycled and the action sequences are mundane.

I tacitly approve even if Let’s Be Cops appeared too late on the scene to be relevant. Those who are limitedly exposed to the clichés of boys-in-blue-type cinema will find something to like, especially when their parents aren’t in the room. Those with more discerning taste might want to look the other way on this one, not because it’s offensive, dumb or bad but because it’s too little of anything.

Just this much better than I thought

Final Grade: D

A Letter of Appreciation to Greyhound Buses

Recently I took a trip down to Phoenix, Arizona and decided to take the Greyhound bus. After a three day journey there, two full days there and two days back, I felt it appropriate to send Greyhound a letter of appreciation. Below is an actual letter I emailed to their human resource department. As of a three days ago, I have yet to receive a response.

Dear Greyhound Bus Services,

I am writing to you today to thank you for being such a pivotal part of my trip out west and arguably the most memorable travelling experience I have ever had in my life. I wanted to express my gratitude for your stellar, always efficient, always on time bus system, your superb customer service and competent staff who are always ready to help with a smile on their face. In addition to general respects to your company, I wanted to extend my accolades to as many people, places and events as I can recall. I will be as specific as possible to make sure those deserving of praise receive what I’ll assume is a bonus of some kind.

On June 24, 2014 I started my arduous journey from Lansing, Michigan to Phoenix, Arizona which took approximately three days. The first leg of my odyssey took me to Chicago, Illinois. That first bus trip was relatively uneventful. The bus was about twenty years old and had no air conditioning but I’m assuming it was an integral part of your classic transportation program and didn’t make a fuss. The next leg of my journey took me overnight express to St. Louis, Missouri. The bus driver was a very enigmatic man who complimented his thick Chinese accent with terse interactions between himself and the passengers. Hilarity ensued when he told passengers “Don’t come up here and bother me for any reason,” then informed us if we needed to know the time we should “buy a f***ing $1 watch.”

We were only one hour late by the time we got to St. Louis which actually worked out perfectly since it meant less of a layover. In St. Louis I switched buses so I can travel to Amarillo, Texas with stops in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Again I was blessed with being chauffeured in an antique only this time the air conditioning worked…in the front of the bus. Those in the back were blessed with the earthy scents of the rear bathroom and windows expertly designed by greenhouse manufacturers.

Dramatic re-interpretation of the bus toilet.

If I may, I would like to address the customer service representative who is no doubt reading this note with vigor. If you have the chance to ride one of your fine buses for long distances please do so. The passengers are an exciting cross-section of the American public. I was honored to sit with a single mother with a screaming toddler, a larger elderly woman with no concept of personal space, an Iraq War veteran with PTSD and outbursts that would make a sailor blush; a woman in her 20’s dressed like Tank Girl and a cowboy who weaved some pretty elaborate government conspiracy theories. Did you know ISIS is really financed by the Free Masons? The trip was very illuminating to say the least.

The driver who took us from St. Louis to Tulsa seemed friendly but flustered. Luckily there was a passenger in front with a GPS to ensure we would only miss our exit twice. The driver from Tulsa to Amarillo was in his final day of training but had enough confidence to inform the passengers that he was a former Sherriff. This little factoid became more relevant when we nearly ran out of gas in the middle of the highway and the back of the bus turned into The Lord of the Flies. We stopped in two gas stations between Tulsa and Amarillo before the driver and his trainer were able to fill up. By then the passengers were on the verge of mutiny many struggling to be confined several hours without their nicotine fix. They were let out of the bus after thirty minutes and were able to light up just as the bus’s gas tank overflowed with what I can assume from the smell was diesel.

Rest assured your staff was once again very accommodating and no one actually died yet. We arrived in Amarillo three hours late which once again was okay since I would be travelling on the exact same bus all the way to Phoenix. Of course throughout the trip I had to exit the bus multiple times and get back on hours later with a re-board pass and my tickets; a process which seems very efficient and not at all obnoxious.

Our next bus driver was very professional. He made up for lost time, spoke English and Spanish over the intercom and, up until this point, was the only driver who didn’t get lost. I liked him. He was from Tallahassee, Florida if I’m not mistaken and had to take a plane to Amarillo so he can make his scheduled bus route. He could have used Greyhound for free but he claims he didn’t have time to make it and enjoy the creature comforts of a nights-worth of sleep before hand. Obviously the great folks at Greyhound are paying your drivers enough money to afford a plane ticket to work. How else can you retain such competent staff and keep such a positive working environment?

The transit center in Santa Fe was by far my favorite and the cleanest station I have seen to that point. Two of the four faucets worked in the men’s bathroom which is certainly an improvement from Fort Leonard’s outhouse or the buses paltry hand sanitizer and sloshing septic tank of doom. We were just getting on schedule but for some still unexplained reason we were held up for an hour longer than we had to be. I’m assuming whatever held up the bus must have been important since it distracted the station’s staff which were having trouble forming lines for an additional twenty minutes.

We finally made it to Flagstaff, Arizona, behind schedule since we had to climb the foothills of central Arizona going five miles an hour. Nothing of significance happened there. Oh except one of the passengers transferring someplace else had finally had it, started something with one of your drivers who laid him out and killed him. That’s right; my three day trip out west had as many casualties as National Lampoon’s Vacation. According to ABC-15 Arizona the driver is still at large which makes sense. The man who decapitated a Greyhound passenger in 2008 is now allowed outside the insane asylum for unsupervised outings which sounds to me like even professional psychologists excuse violent outbursts on Greyhound buses.

My trip back was likewise pretty interesting. On June 29, 2014 we set out for Santa Fe only after the last undercarriage doors were slammed shut after being stuck (ten minutes later). On the border between Arizona and New Mexico I witnessed one of the passengers being detained for possession of marijuana. I had never been part of a drug bust before so I’m glad I got to be a part of that exciting experience. Also thank goodness the Arizona State Police were there to stop the man who was more than likely high off his gob and cataracts free.

While in Santa Fe I decided it was finally time for me to buy a few things from one of your convenient Greyhound shops. I had resisted the temptations to partake in your modestly priced ancient rolling tube meats and starchy blue blankets but since I had been on this route before, I knew I would not be able to eat anything other than gas station corn nuts and expired beef jerky for the next day or so. I bought a $3.00 hot dog and lest I get too graphic, let’s just say the aftermath of which was tragic. I also purchased $2.45 earphones which made it as far as Tulsa before they broke.

Because you can't spell busted without "bus"

I managed to make my bus from St. Louis to Chicago with moments to spare and limited my conversations to a poodle breeder and an aggressive bus driver who inferred that the loud music he was hearing was coming from my now broken headphones. Now I’m not one to judge people based solely on appearance but if he were to blame anyone for listening to loud Insane Clown Posse songs on a crowded bus he should have probably first turned his head to the thin bearded man with the “Juggalo 4 Life” neck tattoo. Of course that man couldn’t have compared to the woman in the last part of my journey who had just left prison and was on her way back to Flint. She spoke on the phone the entire way from New Haven to Lansing bragging about how she got out early for good behavior during Episcopal services and having an affair with her parole officer.

Seriously, fuck you Greyhound!

On July 1, 2014 I had finally completed my expedition greeting my girlfriend who had waited for an hour longer than she should have. She got but a taste of the zen like epiphanies I had had on my journey which still swirled in my brain. Thanks to your fine company I had learned about the importance of patience, the fragility of mental health and the value of air travel.

Thank you again for everything. I will certainly be recommending your services to all my friends and family for all their travelling needs.

Sincerely
-XXXXXXXXXXX

P.S. I have attached a photo of Tank Girl for your perusing as I know that may be too obscure a reference for some.