Jupiter Ascending

Year: 2015
Genre: Sci-Fi/Space Adventure
Director: Andy & Lana Wachowski
Stars: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Douglas Booth, Tuppence Middleton

On the one hand Jupiter Ascending is a compendium of sci-fi tropes and influences. The energy is palpable, the visuals when not jarringly all over the place make for something to watch and the acting...well they tried. On the other hand Jupiter Ascending is such a cobbled mess of a movie that the general movie watching public might just as well take a rain check. Seriously, take a hike this movie is not for you.

This movie is for royalty only.

Jupiter Ascending involves an unnecessarily complicated plot which brings to mind the worst parts of 1984's Dune. There's palace intrigue involving the house of Abrasax, a family of genocidal ancient aliens who's three siblings want ownership of planet Earth. There's a hitch in their plans however and that hitch is a singularly disinterested Mila Kunis, an Earthling and housekeeper who can't help wearing makeup to look good for the toilets she cleans. To top it off she's protected by a man-wolf named Caine (Channing Tatum) who skates around in gravity cancelling moon boots. I think that bears repeating...a man-wolf who skates around in gravity cancelling moon boots. Somewhere out there the ghost of Starlight Express is cackling maniacally.

Today the train depot...tomorrow the world!

The Wachowski siblings have a penchant for front-loading their films with many complex themes and ideas and flashes of visual flare sometimes resulting in brilliance like The Matrix (1999) and the criminally underrated Cloud Atlas (2012). More often than not however their films suffer from philosophical and visual overload a la The Matrix sequels (2003) and Speed Racer (2008). Jupiter Ascending not only falls in the later category I would agree with the consensus that this movie is probably the worst they've made.

Coming in with the proper mindset however you may find something to like if not love about Jupiter Ascending. To be sure it may be the best misfire of the 2010's. Say what you will about the Wachowski's later career but when they do something they do it big. This is movie so spectacularly over the top that you just can't help but giggle while choking on Milkduds. Lo in generations to come people may have Jupiter Ascending parties much like they do Troll 2 (1990) and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984) parties (okay there are no Boogaloo parties but dammit there should be). To the unencumbered this movie is a fevered dream; a stream of consciousness tale that shoe-horns every sci-fi trope you can think of.

Whether on accidental or on purpose, here's my haul from the sci-fi (and other) Easter egg hunt that is Jupiter Ascending (spoilers):

• The cloak and dagger stuff involving the Abrasax and the mysterious crystals has Dune (1982) written all over it.
• Many spaceships have a Romulan/Alien (1979) vibe to them.
• The completely unnecessary bureaucracy sequence is brought to you by Brazil (1985) complete with a Terry Gilliam cameo.
• The three quarreling siblings are reminiscent of Dostoevsky's "The Brothers Karamazov."
• An android has a similar name to that of one in Demolition Man (1993).
• The mining base on Jupiter is reminiscent of  Blade Runner
  
  (1982) and by extension Metropolis (1927).
• By virtue of Sean Bean being in this movie he brings to mind everything he's been in including Lord of the Rings (2001-2003) and Equilibrium (2002).
• Aliens possess mind-erasers a la Men in Black (1997).
• Genetic mutations which are mixes of various animals and humans: "The Island of Dr. Moreau"
• Tuppence Middleton climbing out of a pool all slinky-like: Beowulf (2007)
  
• Eddie Redmayne's incredibly campy performance as the villain; there are so many in mind but I think John Carradine's Billy the Kid Vs. Dracula (1966) comes closest.
• The moon boots can be linked to Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Starlight Express" but most of the time I was thinking of Napoleon Dynamite (2004).
• Dragons...no reference here I just want you to know there be talking dragons in this movie.
  
• A seemingly ordinary hero thrust into a battle of good and evil? Star Wars (1977).
• Eugenic-y vibe brought to you by Gattaca (1997).
• Caine able to survive hanging on to a spaceship in the vacuum of space while at warp speed? WALL-E (2008).
• Caine being jettisoned into space and impossibly saved at the last minute..."Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."
• Weird incestuous relationship you realize only when you think about it for a little; Star Wars again.
• Dude marrying his mother: "Oedipus Rex" anyone?
• Flash Gordon (1980)...that's all I have to say.

Now go forth! Find more Easter eggs if you dare. I will be here pausing Jupiter Ascending frame by frame to pin-point the exact moment the Wachowski siblings realized they dug themselves into the critical and financial hole too deep to get out of.

You'll find this in said hole.

Final Grade: C-