Thoughts from the Usher Podium: 10 Movies Better Than 50 Shades of Grey

First let me make a confession; I have not seen 50 Shades of Grey (2015), nor have I read the book. I can only judge based on the reviews from professional reviewers, those in my circle of influence who actually saw it and cultural talking-heads who cry foul at its supposed rapey-ness. If I may I would like to side step the chorus of complaints with the movie and instead focus on what I know for sure: Thematically, there are elements of sado-masochism. Its an unconventional love story and it initially started as Twilight fan-fiction. So until I get a chance to see the film (which I refuse to pay money for but rest assured I will see it), this is for those who did see it and feel disappointed. This is for the people who went to see it because their base curiosity brought them to the theater and instead of being rewarded with prurient kink got mindless dreck. Here is a list of movies with similar themes and circumstances that are (probably) a whole lot better:

10. Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! (1989)
A strapping, young and certifiable Antonio Banderas plays a recent patient of a mental hospital who tracks down an ex-lover played by Victoria Abril. She's a popular porn star with no intention to settle down so when Banderas shows up unannounced and asks for her hand in marriage she refuses. Then things get weird as the title would suggest. While far from a masterful denial of misogyny, director Pedro Almodovar's eye-popping cinematography makes the movie very pretty to look at. Plus with an NC-17 you know you're in for a lot and I mean a lot of nudity.

9. Crash (1996)
No not the 2005 Best Picture winner about racism and Michael Pena's unadulterated balling. Crash is a David Cronenberg film about a sub-culture of car crash fetishists. That's right, that's a thing. Highlights include James Spader using Rosanna Arquette's vulva shaped scar which she got from an accident that claimed her leg, fetish videos of car safety tests and a recreation of the crash that killed James Dean. Messed up? Of course, but if you're watching 50 Shade of Grey for the shock value you might as well go the full car length.

8. Belle de Jour (1967)
Of course if weird sexual behavior coupled with blood and violence isn't your thing you might want to try out Luis Bunuel's classic Belle de Jour. The movie about a bored French housewife making use of her days as a prostitute has a lot to offer to the 50 Shades crowd. It has sado-masochistic flights of fancy, a beautiful lead in Catherine Deneuve and best of all a dollop of Catholic guilt. Let's face it, sado-masochism wouldn't be as interesting if not for the Roman Catholic Church.

7. The Night Porter (1974)
Of course couples dressing up as priests and nuns isn't as notoriously linked to S&M as much as Nazis. Because no one ever said you should have good taste in the bedroom. So if feeling up a swastika while your lips quiver is your thing then check out The Night Porter. It's a love story of sorts about an ex-concentration camp officer who sexually tortured a beautiful Jewish girl in WWII. Now years later he lives a secret, unassuming life until he comes across her again and they reignite their masochistic affair.

6. Tokyo Decadence (1992)
Okay thus far we've been delving into some unsavory territory as far as the psychology of sexual dysfunction. My guess is if you want to see 50 Shade of Grey you're probably not a psychology major. In Tokyo Decadence we follow an unhappy prostitute who acts out elaborate scenarios for her Johns most involving S&M and humiliation. Titillating and very aware of its target audience, Tokyo Decadence is also visually pleasant to watch, if a little crude.

5. Private Parts (1972)
Director Paul Bartel has made a name for himself exploring the sexual mores of the 70's and 80's. Following his explosively subversive short film Naughty Nurse (1969) came the equally shocking Private Parts. The movie follows a young naive girl (Ayn Ruymen) who takes refuge in her aunt's dilapidated hotel. While there she becomes fascinated with it's odd occupants including a perverted priest and a reclusive photographer. A sordid coming-of-age tale like nothing you've ever seen to be sure.

4. Basic Instinct (1992)
Ah yes, the infamous Basic Instinct. Maybe a little dated by today's standards but let's not forget how salacious the movie was when it premiered. A mix of film noir tropes, liberal amounts of nudity and yes, bondage make Basic Instinct arguably the second closest in spirit to 50 Shade of Grey. Try very hard to avoid the sequel though. Yeesh!

3. Sex, Lies and Videotape (1989)
Less of a bondage-centered love story than a psychologically perverse exploration of middle-class emptiness, Sex, Lies and Videotape, more so than most movies of the time, fostered the American Independent Cinema movement of the 1990's. It's bold, its character-driven and very sexy, yet still manages to be bittersweet. Again James Spader makes an appearance on this list which makes me wonder about his sex life.

2. Nymphomaniac Vol. 1-2 (2012-2013)
Lars von Trier's controversial pair of films center on the life and times of a self-diagnosed nymphomaniac. The less I say about it the better but let's just say there's a complex tapestry of emotions and lots of unbridled sexual exploration. Plus there's Shia LeBeouf's wang. If that's a draw for the ladies then so be it.

1. Secretary (2002)
James Spader again! This time paired with Maggie Gyllenhaal who plays a submissive secretary to a demanding lawyer. It's an unconventional love story which mirrors almost perfectly with 50 Shades of Grey only this time the characters are three-dimensional, the acting is sensational and the build-up palpable. In my humble opinion Secretary should be the breakaway success. Secretary should be the representative of S&M relationships to the public, Secretary should be seen by everyone dammit!