Fire Maidens of Outer Space

Year: 1956

Genre: Sci-Fi Action

Directed: Cy Roth

Stars: Anthony Dexter, Paul Carpenter, Susan Shaw, Jacqueline Curtis, Harry Fowler, Sydney Tafler, Rodney Diak, Maya Koumani, Owen Berry, Richard Walter

Production: MGM British Studios

It's amazing what you can find when you're not looking. While surfing through the various sites I usually frequent to watch free movies, I stumbled across this inept little monstrosity hidden among poverty row horrors and cardboard cutout sci-fi. Released at the very beginning of the drive-in double-features golden age, Fire Maidens of Outer Space is arguably one of the worst films ever made.

Fire Maidens of Outer Space concerns a team of male astronauts who are launched from Earth to research one of Jupiter's Moons. When they arrive however they are greeted by a population of beautiful women seeking mates to continue the species. As far as plots go, it's not the worst sci-fi concept; it's somewhere between season 3 of Lost in Space (1965-1968) and Gene Roddenberry slumming it. Yet what sets Fire Maidens apart from other mediocre sci-fi; what makes it closest to the spirit of Ed Wood than any other movie in 1956 is it's abysmal failure on all fronts.

Quick! Let's get this shot done before the fuzz gets here!

The direction can be best described as shoot and point; giving no reference points, establishing shots and worse still, stealing all the atmosphere. The dialogue is asinine with so many poorly conscripted plot points and utterances seemingly taken out of Leave it to Beaver (1957-1963). Actors sit and stand in front of cobbled together sets that flimsily sway whenever blocking is required. When the crew stumbles around outside in what looks like a public park, the camera keeps a distance if only so the crew can avoid having to wait for a permit. As for the acting itself; well, let's just say its as cardboard as their spaceship.

Now by this point, fans of infamously bad director Ed Wood might have pricked their ears up. Does Fire Maidens truly saunter past that line of just plain awful into Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) open DVD case at your own risk awful? Yes, Fire Maidens does reach that low, low bar, offering the same shoddy workmanship, sluggish editing and absurdly contrived goofiness you would expect. What's more Fire Maidens rewards an already suffering audience with pretentious Greek character names and blaring classical music screeching in the background. Who knew that a movie featuring a grousing scab monster would also feature a five minute interpretive dance about Grecian urns. Thanks movie for making me feel like being stuck in a dentist's waiting room, trapped under something heavy.

Seriously, Plan 9 (1959) is actually a better movie.

If Fire Maidens of Outer Space was made today, it would be on the dusty top shelf of a Freshman film student's dorm closet. It simply wouldn't be viewed unless that said student wanted to feel embarrassed. By virtue of being made in 1956 when out-of-control teenagers weren't really paying attention to the screen, the film did find distribution. Now we can see it on youtube.com for free. Thank goodness for the modern age. Because of it we get to watch bad movies for free insuring the only thing we waste is our time.

Final Grade: F