As I've said before, I haven't seen everything this year so some movies that may get added soon include: Norm of the North, Miracles From Heaven, Exposed, Mother's Day,
Nine Lives and Hillary's America.
What on earth were they thinking, making a sequel to a movie whose very appeal is its stand alone simplicity? The makers of this soulless piece of pop culture garbage greatly overestimated the gullibility of movie audiences. They tried so hard to channel nostalgia when there was nothing there, re-teaming more than half the original cast with a gaggle of handsome nobodies and repeating themes from the original beat by beat. What results is a soulless, inept and insulting film that had me wishing the cinema ceiling caved in over me.
This movie somehow took an inherently silly, goofy and fun little idea and somehow make it feel as boring, depressing and turgid as a Twilight (2008-2012) movie. Who on earth was this asinine movie even for? Fervid fans of Jane Austen's tale of class, status and social misunderstandings? Teens obsessed with zombies but not mature enough for the R-Rated carnage that usually accompanies zombies? Congratulations Cross Creek Productions, you made a movie specifically for Tina Blecher of Bob's Burgers (2011-Present).
The 5th Wave is yet another attempt to appeal to the ridiculously specific and interminably flaky young adult/dystopian future crowd. Only this time instead of giving us a story that works on any level, the makers of this sad, expired bowl of marshmallow fluff decided let's be as beholden to cliche as possible. What results is a film full of far too many coincidences and a third act surprise that if you didn't see coming, you'd be angry at yourself for not guessing it. This thing is the equivalent of being on autopilot, headed straight for a mountain face. You know something is terribly wrong but by the time you realize it, it's just too late.
The supposed showstopping comedic cherry atop of this s**t sundae is Sasha Baron Cohen rummaging around an elephant's vagina...need I say more?
At this point it's painfully obvious Tyler Perry just isn't trying anymore, which considering his entire filmography is quite jarring. Boo! is a boring, un-funny, sophomoric and pointless Halloween disaster whose tangentially related bits of asinine dialogue doesn't even win over the most stringent of Tyler Perry fans. With any luck, Perry's Madea series will go straight to video so innocent theater audiences will be spared by his sad, cringe-worthy minstrel act. Personally I'd rather watch the Ernest movies (1983-1998) again.
God's Not Dead 2 is not a movie; it is a fear-mongering piece of propaganda hoping to increase the heart rate of angry culture warriors who haven't been relevant since they freaked out about the Starbucks holiday cups. This trilogy (yes they're making another one) makes no sense from a narrative perspective and argues for a very gross, narrow, hijacked version of Christianity that doesn't even have the brain to argue it well. At some point I was really hoping Clarissa would Explain It All (1991-1994) but alas at many points she looks just as dumbfounded as audiences did.
For those of you looking forward to the Power Rangers movie, check out Max Steel and consider it a worst case scenario. This movie is a turgid, poorly shot, poorly edited and poorly written superhero movie that adds absolutely nothing to the genre. The tragic part is Max Steel seems at times to be trying. Cast and crew no doubt worked extra hard to make this movie into something it's not, drawing more attention to its cheapness the more they do. They stoked the fires as much as they could but alas this movie is and has always been nothing more than ash.
If ever there was a more obvious exhibition of hubris on the part of a movie's originator, it's Ben Stiller mugging for the camera during Zoolander 2. The first movie, for all its lunacy sorta-kinda worked because the joke was almost entirely on Stiller's Derek Zoolander and to a lesser extent Hansel (Owen Wilson) his equally inept sidekick. Here the joke is clearly on us. Stiller hoped to distract us from the fact his movie has no plot with countless cameos and Penelope Cruz's bosoms - No dice Mr. Stiller. Your movie was a bad, and you should feel bad for having us sit through it.
2016 was officially the year writer/director Kevin Smith admitted he just doesn't give a f**k anymore. As evidence, we were given Yoga Hosers, part two of his horror comedy True North trilogy (2014-Present) which took the budding careers of Lily-Rose Depp and Harley Quinn Smith and squished them like sun-baked sauerkraut left on the street during Oktoberfest. Yoga Hosers is the equivalent of purposely kicking a soccer ball out of bounds. You think you're being funny but everyone else is annoyed and already knows you're just covering up the fact you can't play. If you're wondering why I didn't add a Hockey metaphor in there - because f**k you, that's why.
Um, wow. I really didn't think they made movies like this anymore. That is to say horridly contrived, silly and sad horror flicks that don't make a lick of sense and can only hope for a second life getting riffed on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988-1999). This thing is a top-down disaster. There's absolutely nothing redeeming about it other than it's mercifully short run time. No doubt The Disappointments Room is the worst movie of 2016 and arguably one of the worst films ever made.
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