Mid-Year Report Card

So I haven’t been writing all that much recently; partially because life and its various gifts have given me surprise after unexpected surprise. I won’t bore you with the details lest to say not much has changed, good or bad. It’s a case of a lot of activity but not much in the way of results.

Thus to get out of my most recent writers malaise, I have decided to give a half-year report card of sorts. Below is a list of movies I have seen in theaters so far this year, ranked from the absolute worst to the greatest. Hopefully you’ll spot a couple that sound like they’re worth your time though, spoiler alert: it has not been the best year for movies - At least not so far.

Collateral Beauty

Will Smith stars as a sad sack with the world's most terrible friends. Everyone is terrible in this movie and no one learns a thing. This movie is a garbage fire - pure and simple.

Unforgettable

Rosario Dawson and Katherine Heigl star as two women fighting over a dude who’s clearly not worth it. Despite stealing from Fatal Attraction (1987) this thing has no hope in living up to its title.

The Circle

Emma Watson and Tom Hanks act out the most farfetched fears of babyboomers. These darn kids with their smartphones, drones and immersive work culture!

Rings

Who thought making a third movie in this long dead franchise was a good idea? Please just let this thing die already!

The Bye Bye Man
A cursed item of furniture (I think), makes a group of college students go crazy.  A dumb concept leads to a dumb movie…who knew?

Everything, Everything

What could have been a heartwarming story about a sick teenage girl and her neighbor turns into Bubble Boy (2001) for twits. And that’s saying something.

Before I Fall

A teen version of Groundhog Day (1993), only without any humor, depth or flair of any kind. Here’s to making the same mistakes, over and over and over again!

The Space Between Us

The Space Between Us is an interstellar teenage romance that should have stayed off planet. A boy from Mars comes down to Earth to discover teenage nookie is exactly what he thought it'd be.

The Void

A group of strangers hole up in a dilapidated hospital to hide from a gang of knife wielding psychos standing outside. It's valiant effort in cosmic horror; even if the acting is horrendous.

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

A sequel to what was essentially a live action video game. This time however it plays more like a weaksauce Fast and Furious (2001-Present) spin-off.

50 Shades Darker

An unwelcome continuation of a series praying on sexually repressed middle-aged women. It ends up being bland, boring and, ironically, tremendously unsexy.

The Mummy
Tom Cruise raids a mummy's tomb and winds up with a curse. That curse of course being having to survive through another failed extended universe experiment.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Another installment of the long limping Resident Evil (2002-Present) franchise. It ends the story (hopefully), and that’s ultimately a good thing!

The Belko Experiment
A large group of office drones are forced to kill each other in a movie destined to at least be interesting. Then it takes a decent premise and turns it into a repetitive slog.

Sleepless
A corrupt cop procedural that is cheap looking, cliché-ridden and full of sleepwalking actors. Unless you're a fan of Nuit Blanche (2011), the original film, this remake deserves none of your attention.

Wilson
A crotchety middle-aged man finds out he has a daughter and tries to reunite his "family". What ends up happening is a comedy completely bereft of laughter.

War Machine
A Netflix exclusive loosely based on Obama Era policies on the War in Afghanistan. Brad Pitt plays a caricature of a four star general and basically gets to play Army for 90 minutes.

Personal Shopper

A Personal shopper/medium/wax statue of Kristen Stewart gets to hunt for ghosts and winds up in a murder mystery. It's nowhere near as interesting as it sounds.

Chips

A re-imagined version of the 1970's TV show only with 90% more dick jokes.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Yet another Pirates (2001-Present)  movie nobody asked for. Question: If Pirates has already sunk to the bottom of the cultural zeitgeist then why is it still telling tales?

The Last Word

The Last Word is feel-good, hard candy for old people. Shirley MacLaine plays a bitter old lady who wakes up one morning and decides to do the abridged version of making amends.

Why Him?
Bryan Cranston and James Franco play a father and potential son-in-law who are both too dumb to realize there's no real conflict. The movie coasts on obvious jokes and little else.

Baywatch

Another TV show re-imagined as a full-feature. Only this time it's 75% dick jokes, 25% The Rock and Zac Efron making fun of their own fragile male egos.

Split

M. Night Shymalan learns everything he can about psychology then ignores most of it to tell the story of a killer with multiple personalities.

Gold

Based on a famous fraud case involving gold mines, this movie is more or less an excuse to have Matthew McConaughey hoot and holler, “There’s gold in them thar hills!”

47 Meters Down

A shark movie that starts out well enough, then unceremoniously drowns in the shallows.

The Fate of the Furious
Yet another installment in long running inside joke that is the Fast and Furious (2001-Present) franchise. RIP: Han, Gisele, Paul Walker and physics 101

Power Rangers

The Mighty Morphing Power Rangers (1993-1999) get a big-screen adaptation and as expected it fumbles on nearly every level. At least it gives fans the bare minimum - go, go mediocrity!

A Dog’s Purpose

A dog's spirit is reborn several times for reasons that completely escape me. It's essentially Marley & Me (2008) x5 so don't watch unless you're into dogs dying.

Collide

Collide is a cheap, quick and easy action one-off that gets a passing grade simply because this kind of thing is a rarity in theaters now.

King Arthur: The Legend of the Sword

Yet another version of the King Arthur legend, only this time, Guy Ritchie directs to put some British hooligan funk on it. Unfortunately it has no idea how to build a lasting franchise.

Underworld: Blood Wars

A cheap, garish and bland continuation of the Underworld (2002-Present) franchise. Admit it, this entire thing is about BDSM at this point.

Raw

An arthouse film about cannibalistic veterinary college students. What’s next, an action blockbuster about the life and times of Emile Zola?

Patriots Day

Based on the Boston Marathon bombings complete with a prideful Markie Mark mugging for the camera. Based on a true story; I say exploited from true story!

Ghost in the Shell

A boring, lowest-common-denominator remake of a groundbreaking anime. It's set in a distant future where everyone has cybernetic enhancements and can apparently be stripped of any cultural identity.

Fist Fight

A forgettable comedy about two rival teachers who goad each other to a fist fight on the last day of school. It's funny in spurts but otherwise completely unnecessary.

Captain Underpants

Captain Underpants is based on the popular children's book series. Anyone who reads the title and doesn’t think they’re in for juvenile humor, deserves what they have coming to them.

Gifted

Oh look, a movie about an overly precocious pre-teen with family issues…how original!

Live by Night

A well-intentioned but doomed crime drama that dies an excruciatingly slow death at the hands of its own story. Watch only if you're a series Ben Affleck completest.

The Lure

A Polish musical about murderous mermaids and by far one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen. I almost want to recommend this one simply because of how bonkers it is!

Smurfs: The Lost Village

Smurfs: The Lost Village is less obnoxious than its prequels but still not all that good. Still it's not exactly bad for kids.

Monster Trucks

Monsters, in trucks…nuff said.

Going in Style

A threesome of old geezers plan a bank heist. Male obsolescence anxiety wound up in a tame revenge fantasy that is more quaint than good.

The Great Wall

Matt Damon goes to medieval China and fights monsters. I mean, it's an interesting cultural artifact if nothing else.

The Zookeeper’s Wife

Plays it a little to safe for a movie about the Holocaust. Jessica Chastain plays a zookeeper's wife who helps Polish Jews escape the ghetto because she can.

John Wick 2

A sequel to the surprise hit John Wick (2014). This time the formula of Fight, break, breathe, repeat is interrupted by an insane amount of world-building.

The Promise

Good-intentioned but ultimately un-engaging historical drama about the Armenian Genocide. At least here we get the combined star power of Oscar Isaac and Christian Bale!

The Case for Christ

A Christ-ploitation flick with a slightly more literate edge.

The Resurrection of Gavin Stone

A Christ-ploitation flick with a kindlier heart than most.

The Founder

A biopic about Ray Kroc, the deputed founder of McDonalds. Despite a commanding performance by Michael Keaton, The Founder doesn’t know what it stands for.

Rough Night

The ladies prove that they can make average raunch-comedy with the best of them. A group of friends accidentally kill a male stripper at a bachelorette party and things go south from there.

Boss Baby

A marginally entertaining kids movie that pits an older brother against a business-oriented baby with ulterior motives.

Life

Astronauts discover an ever-evolving life-form in space and find out too late that they're in real danger. It's basically Alien (1979) with a Cthulu makeover.

Lowriders

A fairly straightforward urban drama about Mexican American brothers hating on their recovering alcoholic father. Lowriders are involved but I'm sure you figured that.

A Cure for Wellness

An old-school horror movie about an overworked desk jockey whose tasked with bringing his boss back from a secluded health spa.“A” for world-building but everything else is just ugly and obvious.

Snatched

Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn are a mother/daughter pair who travel to South America and are kidnapped. Schumer is disarming as ever but the story could use a lot more work.

Kong: Skull Island

A group of nobodies land on a mysterious island and uncover a giant ape. Apparently they’re still going ahead with this MonsterVerse thing. That's cool, I guess…

Born in China

A Disney nature doc about Chinese animals. It tries a little too hard at times to be cutesy but it mostly works.

The Lost City of Z

A British cartographer argues for a lost civilization hidden in the Amazon. The Lost City of Z is beautifully shot but a bit of a drag in segments.

A United Kingdom

Rosamund Pike and David Oyelowo are stand-outs in a by-the book biopic of King Seretse of Botswanaland and his new queen Ruth Williams.

Paterson

A slice-of-life movie about a bus driver who dabbles in poetry. The movie holds you in a trance for most of its screen-time; if of course you're willing.

Hidden Figures
A movie based on the life of Katherine Johnson whose accomplishments at NASA inspired a generation of scientists and engineers. It's a story worth telling hidden inside of a movie that's all paint-by-numbers.

How to Be a Latin Lover

Eugenio Derbez stars as a gold-digger who is forced to live with his sister after his wife divorces him. A comedy that isn’t just dudes riffing? The temerity of this silly little movie!

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

The long-awaited sequel to Guardians of the Galaxy (2012). It's pretty much on par with the first one only without the surprise factor.

Table 19

An ostracized party guest is forced to sit at the reject table of a fancy weekend wedding. The characters are in need of a better movie but these truly are some good characters.

The Lovers

A subtle romantic drama about the power of love and the dangers of complacency. A middle-aged couple played by Debra Winger and Tracy Letts get a second chance to rekindle their failed marriage.

I, Daniel Blake

An elderly carpenter's recent heart attack puts him on welfare. That is until he tries to navigate through a cruel bureaucracy that robs him of his humanity. I, Daniel Blake is angry working-class screed that balances its melodrama with tempered outrage.

Their Finest

A British woman is hired as a movie writer and winds up making a halfway decent WWII propaganda film for the allies. Their Finest is largely kept afloat by the charm of Gemma Arterton.

20th Century Women
A seventies era coming-of-age story focusing on an outcast who is molded by three very different women.This movie is essentially a boy's love note to mothers, daughters and a generation of trailblazing women.

The LEGO Batman Movie
A fun and good-natured romp through Batman lore, stitched together by Will Arnett's brilliant voice work.

Beauty and the Beast
A live-action remake of the 1992 Disney movie of the same name. The movie is positively drowning in nostalgia which may ruffle some feathers but will excite most.

Alien: Covenant
A team of colonists traveling to a faraway planet, receive a signal and follow it to certain doom. A bit more Prometheus (2012) than Alien (1979) but at least it provides some food for thought.

Sleight

A well-paced low-budget blend of urban drama, crime story and superhero origin story. Sleight tells the story of a street thug and amateur magician who finds himself way in over his head.

Free Fire

A group of dunder-headed criminals have a shootout in an abandoned warehouse. Free Fire is a grimy crime story told like an elongated Looney Tunes episode. The results are pretty entertaining.

Julieta

A woman’s story of lost loves and eventual redemption. It’s a family drama that keeps you absorbed from beginning to end. I dare not spoil it anymore.

The Salesman

A Iranian import that isn’t as groundbreaking as Asghar Farhadi’s A Separation (2011) but nonetheless engrosses and surprises.The basic premise is a couple tries to cope with a home invasion.

Logan

A cleverly devised superhero film with strong western influences. Logan, in addition to being an X-Men (2000-Present) movie, is also one of the best send-offs of a long beloved character in a while.

Your Name

A mind-bending Anime with real heart and ingenuity that starts when a city boy and a small town girl switch bodies every other day. The movie just gets infinitely more interesting from there.

Wonder Woman

The DCEU’s savior. A competently made and surprisingly layered superhero film bolstered by a decent cast and some very relevant sexual politics.

Colossal

A mad science experiment that is equal parts absurd dark comedy and rampaging monster movie.

Neruda

The true story of Chilean poet Pablo Neruda as told by a police investigator tasked with bringing him in for treason. It's also the Pablo Larrain movie that got no attention.

The Red Turtle

An austere and elemental examination of a maroon man’s life. Also, there's a red turtle.

A Monster Calls
An uncommonly solemn fantasy film about a young boy coming to terms with the failing health of his mother. A monster then appears to help him through his struggles.

I Am Not Your Negro

An eye-opening documentary about iconoclast James Baldwin, told both within the context of the Civil Rights movement and race relations today.

Get Out

A clever, scary, disturbing and darkly funny horror film in its own right. The fact that it’s also a deeply political work makes it all the more vital.