The Invention of Lying

Year: (2009)
Genre: Comedy/Satire
Directed: Ricky Gervais, Matthew Robinson
Stars: Ricky Gervais, Jennifer Garner, Louis C.K., Jonah Hill, Rob Lowe
Production: Warner Bros.

Imagine a world where no one had the ability to lie. Everyone told the truth forever and always until one day an unassuming man came up with the idea of making something not be, be. It's a concept so simple and so rich with possibilities that it's a wonder it hadn't been thought up before. With that simple concept comes a swirl of ideas ranging from how people perceive their world and their relationships to how ideas like religion and advertising came to being.

Sadly The Invention of Lying (2009) does not take advantage of its amazing premise. Instead of pushing the boundaries by dipping it in absurdity and taking deadly aim at its possible victims it only grazes the target and binds the story in a formulaic romance while trying desperately to remain realistic. Our amiable lead Ricky Gervais tries so hard to be just that, amiable. A bad move which makes me miss the misanthropic dentist of Ghost Town (2008) and the clever ascorbic standup he's famous for. Cleverly portrayed characters and smile-inducing cameos are pushed to the side to give the romance breathing room and the satire while occasionally inspired cannot overcome the clichés of the movie's second and third act.

The film starts with a down-on-his-luck writer (Gervais) who has called in a favor from a friend. He's on a date with Anna (Jennifer Garner) a woman way out of his league as said and understood by her, himself and the waiter of the restaurant. A day later Gervais is fired from his job at Lecture Films (a studio that makes documentaries of sorts) and is behind on rent. While at the bank retrieving the remainder of his cash he comes up with an idea. What if he tells the bank teller he has more in his account than he does. Thus he begins a web of lies that changes his life and spirals into a religious movement complete with him writing all the information he "knows" about "the man in the sky" on the back of pizza boxes.

Again, on paper this idea is too good to not have happened until now. Even when the movie swerves into spiritual territory where Hollywood oft-not go, it mines its high-concept with wit and insight to spare. Then we're stapled back into the perfunctory romance. Unlike most comedies where it's tacked on, here its the center of the story. A little less Life of Brian (1979) and a little more 27 Dresses (2008).

And what of the religious/spiritual undertones? Religion, the afterlife and God are, in the film, fictional but serve all-important functions that benefits the society of Invention of Lying. An afterlife gives a cold and confusing universe meaning the movie posits. While the human race has made progress in understanding the evident truths of natural laws and has made great strides in science there's still the nagging question of where we go when we die. Therefore the characters naturally seek comfort in things that require an amount of faith even if that faith is limited to whether one man is telling the truth or not.

What we really want out of life

The second all-important function of religion and the one which gets the most attention is it gives non-alphas the chance to live and possibly enter the gene pool. in other words The Invention of Lying makes a valiant effort to explore Patton Oswalt's sky-cake argument. The second "purpose" is enough to give a sane person pause. The world of Invention of Lying has a very uncomfortable eugenic-y vibe. Jonah Hill and Louis C.K. play with the notion of killing themselves and/or enter extended periods of self-loathing largely because their genes just aren't palpable to attractive women. Garner's character while goodly enough to go out with Gervais in the first place repeatedly mentions or is coaxed into believing his genes are inferior saying "I don't want fat kids with snub noses." You mean to say if we always told the truth we'd never take personality, talents/abilities or personal history into account when it comes to relationships? And if we did (which I believe we would) does that make Garner's character worth all this grief?

You're shitting me!

Evolution deniers and theological conspiracy theorists like to link Progressive/secularist/humanist/scientific thought with some kind of weird fascistic breeding-cult endgame. If evolution is a thing and religion is made up then we should naturally weed out "inferior" genes so human dominance of the natural world would continue right? Plus is not like there's some all-knowing moral guide who can stop or punish us for doing just that. Yeah, let's please all agree that notion is a disgusting and offensive thought. Yet The Invention of Lying seems to give those idiots ammo to call those on the other side of the cultural divide fascist. After all the love story in the film is ultimately reduced to a cost-benefit analysis much of which revolves around (drumroll) genetics.

And now I'll get off my soapbox and stop reading way into the motivations of this movie and of the American religious-right. Even if you get none of what I just expanded on from this movie, the fact remains that The Invention of Lying doesn't take full advantage of its premise and sadly surrenders to the conventions of romantic comedies everywhere. It pulls its punches when it comes to its most controversial bits and ultimately it feels like a flat compromise with small gleeful moments of inspiration.

Final Grade: D+

The Movie Year Book 2014

It's that time of year again and as promised I have recorded every movie I have seen last year. Every great masterpiece, every crappy waste of time, every tear, grasp and chuckle; summed up here as part of my annual superlatives article. As of now I have seen 3,542 films in my lifetime (give or take a few). This year I've seen 304 and I have 458 movies to go if I am to reach my goal of 4,000 before April 1, 2016. Is it in the bag? I think so. In celebration of last year's accomplishments here are the 2014 superlatives.

Most Likely to Succeed
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014) and Coup de Torchon (1981)

Unlike last year's 12 Years a Slave (2013) I am less confident Birdman is going to win Best Picture. That said it's still a revelatory movie about stage life and the precarious psyche of actors who give it their all. If you ever wanted to know just how crazy drama people are, take a gander at this movie then slowly back away before they notice you're in the room.

Coup de Torchon is another challenging and hard to define movie. Is it a mystery? A romance? A crime thriller? It's all of those things and more so if you have a chance to watch hands down the best movie I've seen this year, check out Coup de Torchon either at your "We-have-everything" Video Store or just buy it on Criterion.

Class Beauty
Spirit of the Beehive (1973) and Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter...and Spring (2003)

What can be said about the brilliant Spirit of the Beehive? With a minimalist story and tales swirling around its inception in Fascist Spain in the 70's, Beehive is ultimately a beautiful looking picture about a young girl coming-of-age after watching the film Frankenstein (1931). The cinematography is reminiscent of Vermeer with its warm golden tones and melancholy moments of quiet dignity.

Not to be outdone, in 2003 Spring, Summer, etc... proved that you needn't a huge budget and expensive CGI to create an otherworldly setting. Set entirely near a secluded Buddhist monastery in the Korean countryside, the changing of the seasons and the slowly listing pontoon monastery makes for quite a feast for the eyes.

Class Clowns
One, Two, Three (1961) and The Lego Movie (2014)

The Cold War has never been funnier than in Billy Wilder's cynical, laugh-a-minute farce about a Coca-Cola executive living and working in West Berlin. After a surprise visit from the CEO's naïve daughter, C.R. (James Cagney) must undo the mess she creates when she marries a hardcore Communist East Berliner. One, Two Three is downright hilarious.

But if watching a black and white farce isn't your thing, The Lego Movie was the biggest surprise this year taking the ever popular Danish toy and turning it into a high-octane adventure story. Not only that, its funnier than all of the live-action movies that came out this year.

Best Hair
American Hustle (2013) and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013)

Watching it the first week of 2014, American Hustle quickly became one of my favorites of 2013. The story can be best described as controlled chaos much like the hair in this 1970's throwback. Amy Adams sports a large crumpled mess not to be outdone by Bradley Cooper's goofy perm. Though its Christian Bale's comb over that takes the cake.

Okay, I'll agree Burt Wonderstone did not live up to its incredible premise but in a comedy market dominated by glorified improv and bromances its good to see a satire that fully embraces its silliness. Nowhere is it more silly than in the outrageous hair styles that are plopped atop of Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi and Jim Carrey's gobs. Guess when you're vying for king of the magicians you need a mane to go with it.

Best Smile
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) and The Intouchables (2011)

Leonardo DiCaprio's Jordan Belfort is a devious dog placed in the greedy pits of the stock trading world. There he thrives in what can be best described as Goodfellas (1990) for nerds and douches. While I take exception to Wolf of Wall Street's numerous fans who celebrate consumption and greed over what the movie is really about, there's no denying Belfort has a mouth of pearly whites that can swipe anyone's retirement fund.

Of course if you're not into drug-induced incredulousness there's the warm-and-fuzzy crowd pleaser that is The Intouchables. Based on a true story, the odd-couple comedy takes a French quadriplegic aristocrat with ennui and pairs him with a black hoodlum from the other side of the tracks as his caretaker. While a little too heart-tugging at times, the sensitive portrayal of the two contrary leads makes it work.

Best Dressed
The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) and The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (1989)

Wes Anderson's work was leading up to this year's Grand Budapest Hotel. The perfect balance between his storybook visuals and sophisticated sensibilities, Grand Budapest is cloaked in bright colors and a stylish wardrobe. What results is a movie that resembles a moving, functioning painting.

Though while Wes Anderson has only recently mastered his craft, Peter Greenaway has been using similar techniques with much more emotional resonance for years. Take his controversial NC-17 classic The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover. While it certainly deserves its NC-17 rating for some truly shocking moments, the beauty and elegance that surrounds this picture is no less than stunning. If you have a chance to watch it you absolutely must.

Most Creative
F for Fake (1973) and The Zero Theorem (2013)

Orson Welles's Finnegan's Wake is the best way to describe his dizzying essay film about fakes and forgeries. Using state-of-the-art editing techniques, a non-linear progression of events and a cavalcade of infamous rascals from art and literature, F for Fake is certainly a create romp into the mind of one of the best American directors ever.

Of course when it comes to pure brash vision, no one quite matches up against Terry Gilliam. A Maverick to the very end, his latest feature film was a box-office and critical bomb but nonetheless proved that the director still has a lot to say about our society and culture.

Cutest Couple
Brokeback Mountain (2005) and You Only Live Once (1937)

After years of dragging my feet I finally sat back and watched Brokeback Mountain. Under Ang Lee's direction and Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal's masterful performances, Brokeback Mountain is one of the best bittersweet romances to ever be put on screen.

Natural Born Killers (1994), Badlands (1973), Bonnie and Clyde (1967), Gun Crazy (1950); meet the movie that started it all. You Only Live Once brought the trope of a criminal couple running from the law onto the big screen. In this case the couple are played by Henry Fonda and Sylvia Sidney and instead of making veiled criticisms on the media like some of the other movies listed, You Only Live Once concentrates on the inequalities and discrimination within American society as a motive for crime. Ultimately its the doomed romance that makes this movie memorable and therefore worth a watch.

Most Athletic
Bad Day to Go Fishing (2009) Lagaan: Once Upon a Time in India (2001)

I didn't watch too many sports movies this year so this year for the win are two movies that take two uncommonly used sports for the screen and tells some deeply human tales. Bad Day to Go Fishing is about a washed up wrestler and strong man from Berlin who is dragged to South America on a publicity tour by his scurrilous manager. The manager sets up fake fights for exhibition until the inhabitance of Santa Maria grow wise and force a real fight between the strongman and a viral fisherman.

Lagaan on the other hand is about a small village in Victorian India who pin their fates on a cricket match between them and their British occupiers. If they win, there will be no tax or lagaan on their goods for three years. An excellent Bollywood film from start to finish you should watch it for no other reason then to learn how to play cricket.

Biggest Nerds
A Brief History of Time (1991) and Interstellar (2014)

While this year brought The Theory of Everything (2014) to the big screen, it was Errol Morris's A Brief History of Time that I felt better presented Stephen Hawking's contribution to our understanding of the universe. Based on Hawking's book of the same name, A Brief History of Time may be a little dry for some but if you're a fan of astrophysics, the creation of the universe and/or the impertinent genius of our time you should really give this doc a gander.

But Theory of Everything wasn't the only 2014 movie about astrophysics. Interstellar (2014) was a welcomed mind-bending treat during the late summer weeks and proved once again that director Christopher Nolan can make intelligent blockbusters for mainstream audiences.

Most Talkative
Marat/Sade (1967) and Murder on the Orient Express (1974)

Marat/Sade was at times a bit beyond me. Its a movie about the making of a play about a historical event, the murder of Jean-Paul Marat as told by the Marquis de Sade. In it, political realities force the Marquis to make cuts and those in the insane asylum (where everything takes place) start to take liberties with recent history. A Lot of big ideas abound in this movie especially when you consider it was made in 1967.

While Marat/Sade made for interesting drama about big ideas, Murder on the Orient Express made for a small, simple story made from a simple case of murder. It was also interminably boring wasting the talents of Albert Finney, Lauren Bacall, Ingrid Bergman, Sean Connery, John Gielgud, Anthony Perkins, Martin Balsam, Vanessa Redgrave and Michael York for a script chalked full of talk, talk, talk.

Most Unnecessary Destruction of Public Property
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) and Cutthroat Island (1995)

I didn't get the chance to witness Transformers 4 (2014) in all its glory (because three is my limit) yet Michael Bay still found a way to waste my time with his production of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a reboot that makes the 2007 version look like an instant classic. And what makes a Michael Bay production complete? A boat load of unnecessary explosions that's what!

If only people wised up to Michael Bay as they did with Renny Harlin in 1995. Cutthroat Island was box office poison but boy was it an embarrassing spectacle. This movie can be directly blamed for effectively ending the careers of Geena Davis and Matthew Modine and crippling the career of Frank Langella. As for director Renny Harlin? He's still working but nowhere near the budget level of Cutthroat Island.

Most Likely to Be Compared to One Another
The Hundred-Foot Journey (2014) and Million Dollar Arm (2014)

This year was a big year for Indians in Hollywood. If by big year you mean being relegated to supporting roles in their own stories. Take Hundred-Foot Journey a movie about an Indian family that moves to rural France to start a restaurant to the ire of a local chef. While primarily focusing on a member of the family becoming a famous chef, it was Helen Mirren who got top billing for this saccharine flick.

Not to be outdone, Jon Hamm got top billing for a movie about two Indians who are recruited to play professional baseball stateside. So essentially two films that could have been about main characters given a chance to prove their mettle ended up being about two white people who get over their xenophobia. Good job Hollywood.

Biggest Weeper
The Fault in Our Stars (2014) and Make Way for Tomorrow (1937)

As a now much embattled defender of The Fault in Our Stars I'm starting to hate the fact that this film is despised by so many. Especially since so many in my circle of influence have never actually seen the damn thing. Overall it's not perfect and many compare it favorably to Love Story (1970) which means it'll probably be forgotten in about five years. Still as an emotional experience I just can't argue with my tear ducts.

Make Way for Tomorrow is a little less of a constant cry-fest. It crescendos at the end with arguably the most bittersweet moment ever put on film. Orson Welles once said that Make Way for Tomorrow would make a stone cry and I tend to agree. Check it out on Criterion then hug your parent/s.

Most Just Plain Wrong
House (1977) and Tusk (2014)

What...What...why? What the hell is going on? That was my continual reaction throughout the Japanese import House. A group of school girls meet up to take a holiday at one of their aunt's house. What starts as a live action anime comedy complete with punchy character title sequences ends as a gory, psychedelic haunted house movie. Downright the weirdest movie I've seen.

Though I suppose this year's winner at the cinema was the once great Kevin Smith and his latest dud Tusk. Even with such an outlandish premise, Smith failed to entertain or frighten though the end result of Justin Long's transformation is still a sight to behold. Not to mention just plain wrong.

Most Likely to Cause an International Incident
The Interview (2014) and Viridiana (1967)

Okay so this category was made up simply to put The Interview at the head of the pack. While very underwhelming when you consider the hype, the movie did end up renewing sanctions on North Korea and it's bat-s**t-crazy dictator. And because of the hacker fall-out we all know what's going to become of Not-So-Amazing Spider-Man.

For our second choice there's the infamous Luis Bunuel film Viridiana which not only pissed off the Franco regime in Spain but was admonished by the Pope and banned in several countries.  What's so bad about the film? Nothing much really, there's some implied incest and a lot of calling out hypocrisies in the Catholic Church; not much different than most Bunuel films.
 I honestly don't know what Franco was expecting.

Biggest Drama Queen/King
Frances Ha (2011) and Giant (1956)

Frances Ha stole my heart this year with one of the most realistic and emotional depiction of mid-twenties malaise. Starring Greta Gerwig as the title character, the movie is assured by its confident director Noah Baumbach and its simple yet true story. It spoke so much to me in fact that I would peg it as one of my favorite coming-of-age films of all time. Anyone who is, has ever, or will ever be in their twenties should see this film.

Giant as the distinction of packing in more drama into a solid three hour movie than anything since Gone with the Wind (1939). Strikingly beautiful and capturing ever range of emotion, is it any wonder Giant is the State movie of Texas? Ironic since the lead Rock Hudson was gay adding yet another level of drama.

Most Needing of a Remake
Road House (1989) and Bad Day at Black Rock (1955)

Red Dawn (1984) has been brought back from the dead. Footloose (1984) has been pilfered by the new nostalgia driven Hollywood machine, heck even Robocop (1987) was necromaced. Yet out of all of the 80's let's-call-them-classics the one most deserving of a remake should be Patrick Swayze's Roadhouse. Dwayne Johnson can play the infamous Dalton while Kevin Costner plays the small town mucky-muck blowing up General Stores. Nina Dobrev can play the obligatory T&A and who do we have to play Wade Garrett? Mickey Rourke of course.

I for one would love to see some indie director sink his teeth into and modernize Bad Day at Black Rock. It's a simple set up, a one-armed stranger walks into a small desert town and immediately raises the suspicions of all who cross his path. As he starts to notice everyone acting peculiar, he investigates to see what really happened at Black Rock. Robert Downey Jr. can play the mystery man (though maybe instead of losing an arm he can just have burns on his back Fury style). The townfolk can range from character actors like Chris Ellis and Margo Martindale to Billy Bob Thornton and Robert Duvall.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Year: 2014
Genre: Sci-Fi Comedy/Sci-Fi Action
Directed: Jonathan Liebesman
Stars: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner, Tony Shalhoub, Whoopi Goldberg
Production: Paramount Pictures

I wish I was a fly on the wall the day Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was conceptualized. Better yet I wish I was there when it was pitched as a comic-book and cartoon franchise. Despite being completely absurd, the franchise as a whole has some serious legs chugging along through multiple re-imaginings and mediums. Yet this reincarnation of the boyhood staple, helmed by Jon Leibesman and produced by king of panem et circenses Michael Bay is just listless, characterless and crude. Bay’s trick with Transformers (2007-Present) has been baiting its audience for years in the hopes that with each inferior sequel maybe one day they’ll be one that brings it back to the heights of the first. But with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles there’s no such bait.

Welcome back mindless T&A

April O’Neil (Megan Fox) is a tough and resourceful news report…no scratch that, she’s just a news reporter who stumbles onto a plot by the infamous crime syndicate the Footmen. Before she can get the scoop on their plan, a clandestine group of assassins appear out the night and foil the Footmen’s plot, whatever that initially was. Now April is on the hunt for the mystery men in the night with the help of her trusty…no tenacious…smarmy…that’s the word, smarmy cameraman Vernon (Will Arnett).

I suppose there’s not much point in the mystery; the assassins are in fact the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There’s Donatello the smart one (you can tell because he wears glasses), Rafael the hot head (you can tell cause he’s always pissed), Michelangelo the funny one (you can tell cause he cracks wise), and Leonardo the leader (you can tell because he’s all leader-like). Not only that but the turtles and their master Splinter have a very special and unlikely connection to April, a connection that may lead to their ruination.

Not that any of this matters since the turtles, their history, their preoccupation with the Footmen, their shadowy leader Shredder and Shredder’s plan to create destruction and mayhem are all prerequisites that are seemly tossed in like yesterday’s late homework. No this movie isn't about character development and plotting; it’s about explosions, car chases, fistfights and lots, and lots of shaky-cam. Through Megan Fox’s at times questionable choices, we as the audience tour through set piece after set piece with everything moving too fast to be recognizable. It’s like being drunk at a carnival rushing through the rides five minutes before closing time; its jarring, its dizzying and nothing sticks other than half-ingested popcorn to the ground.

This just isn't gonna end well...

Jonathan Liebesman wishes he had Michael Bay’s visual flair which might have actually been the perfect for TMNT (I seriously mean that without any sense of sarcasm). Alas instead of Bay’s telephoto lens pans, his optical zooms and his grand-scale explosions, we’re faced with Liebesman’s shaky-cam which fit in Battle: Los Angeles (2011) but not here, no not here. Seriously is this guy the Herod of tripods? Does he walk around studios and decapitates them all until one there finally appears a special tripod and absolves him from the sin of deflating a movie franchise?

Little known fact: JC actually a tripod

I guess this movie was popular enough in the Cineplexes to warrant a sequel which in spite of this mess, I’m rooting for. But unless the creators can give there actors and amphibians more than one broadly rendered trait, beef up the story to meet the action and actually show said action in an entertaining way I’m afraid we’re going to have TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooff!

Guys...this has been done before

Final Grade: F

The Zero Theorem

Year: 2013
Genre: Sci-Fi Comedy/Sci-Fi Fantasy
Directed: Terry Gilliam
Stars: Chritoph Waltz, Melanie Thierry, David Thewlis, Lucas Hedges, Matt Damonm Tilda Swinton
Production: Voltage Pictures


Depending on whom you ask there are two types of films coming out of the independent film movement of today. There are the character pieces which are usually small budgeted and encompassing a wide range of raw human emotion. There are some which are absolutely stellar like Frances Ha (2013), Palo Alto (2014) and The Skeleton Twins (2014). But while these chamber pieces are interesting and often poignant they do have the tendency to be vanity projects for the Hollywood elite.

Then again, his visions have always been outlandish.

The Zero Theorem (2014) however belongs to a later category; one which includes such heady fair as The Tree of Life (2011), Cloud Atlas (2012) and The Fountain (2006). It’s a film which tries to encompass complex intellectual concepts like the meaning of life, theological precepts and theoretical physics. Director Terry Gilliam who has never shied away from such big ideas since being a member of Monty Python bites off quite a lot and largely succeeds in having the audience swallow his outlandish vision.

Christoph Waltz plays a much more severe version of Sam (Jonathan Pryce) from Brazil (1985) as Qohen Leth (spelled “Q” no “U” “OHEN”). So intent is he to understand the purpose of his life that he has waited by his phone for years waiting for a voice he once heard to tell him the answer he would have heard had he not dropped the receiver. When not waiting he shuffles off to work at an omnipotent and oppressive corporation as a “figure”-cruncher and has tried repeatedly to arrange to work at home claiming disability. Finally after weeks of pleading, he gets his wish granted directly from the Ariel-like Management (Matt Damon) on the condition that he works on a hush-hush project called the Zero Theorem.

One of the major themes embedded in the story is a philosophical one; what is real, what is make-believe and does it matter? While Qohen toils on what appears to be a giant iphone with the most complicated game of Jenga on it ever, he’s seduced by a nymph named Bainsley (Melanie Thierry). Qohen initially has no interest in human contact yet through Bainsley’s prodding he connects on an intimate level via virtual reality suit. The Utopia they program in cyberspace becomes his one vestige from the Theorem that has become his obsession and the company that has become his slave-driver. Just like in Brazil, the romance becomes the prime motivator to the main character and ultimately brings him out of his pensive, near-solitary state.

Paradoxes abound in Zero Theorem starting with the fact that Qohen waits for a phone call that may never come to give him meaning. The irony is that he’s so afraid to miss the fabled ring that his life has become a meaningless purgatory situated in the decaying edifice of a hollowed out monastery. To make matters worse, Management has set him out to prove mathematically through the Zero Theorem *spoiler alert* that life itself is meaningless. Then there’s the parlance trick of having Qohen refer to himself as “we” instead of “I” which not only gives a nod to Ayn Rand’s “Anthem” but creates yet another paradox.

Of course Zero Theorem cannot be a Terry Gilliam film without his trademark visual pageantry and bug-eyed, cartoon-like cinematography. The future world surrounding Qohen, Bainsley and the rest of the cast is brightly colored if plastic and fake. Ads pop out of everything shilling time shares and sharing the Book of Batman while every man, woman and machine is on the move. Instead of a future where everything with a computer chip is pocket-sized, the world has become an amalgam of hulking apparatuses, wires and liquid vials. The only solace from such bedlam is in dreams which if you’re Qohen is no solace at all.

All hail St. Terry!

Bent on pondering the big theological questions and clocking in at 107 minutes, Zero Theorem is clearly not for everyone. Yet those who have already seen Gilliam’s work and/or those who have seriously considered the big picture will be rewarded by a film so simultaneously meditative and brassy. Instead of a movie, Terry Gilliam has provided a homily; a life-altering experience that may just shake you to your core. Failing that, it’s still a cool movie to gawk at.

Final Grade: A-

Top "One-Word" Movie Quotes

This is an e-mail exchange between a good friend and myself in an attempt to find and express our favorite one-word movie quotes. His response is highlighted in violet while mine are in black.

4. "Plastics"-The Graduate (1967)
Dry humor at its finest. something about a college graduate makes everybody think that they need to give them important advice.  something about the way Mr. Robinson has his arm around Ben Braddock, the sheer cockiness that what he has to say is going to blow his mind with how smart it is.  That pause right before he says it that lasts just long enough to make it awkward. And of course the pure irony that the movie displays it as silly advice, and that investing in plastics ended up being very good advice seeing how many things are manufactured in plastics since the '60s.

3. "Rosebud"-Citizen Kane (1941)
Not only one of the most famous one-word lines, one of the most famous lines in general.  Considered to be one of the greatest films ever and the whole film revolves around this man's last words, the way he says it, the zoom in on the lips, the gentleness of it, you can tell how much he cared about it.  The twist of what it represents;  it leaves you in such mystery when he says it. Its a great way to kick off the film, you need to know the meaning of what this word means to this man.

2. "Elaine!"-The Graduate (1967)
I had hard time choosing the shouting of names, "Adrian!", "Shane!", "Stella!". I'm sure you are surprised I didn't pick the one from my favorite film.  Something about the beat change that occurs in this line is just great.  You have Dustin Hoffman running all around trying to find the love of his life, to the tune of Mrs. Robinson. It's very fast paced, driving fast, running fast. He's all out of breath. Then he stops. The music goes quiet. There is a large window of glass separating him from Elaine.  He's seeing the worst thing he can see and if only there is something he could do. your heart has stopped wondering what will happen. "ELAAAIINNEE!" with the pounding on the glass the pure essence of "I don't want you to do this, I love you, I want you, I'm sorry, come with me, I don't want to lose you." all boiled down to one word yelled, and the way he pounds on the glass almost like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I love that moment so much.

1. "Freedom"-Braveheart (1995)
The message of the film clearly yelled. A martyr dying for the purpose of freedom, "any last words?", sure how about I scream why I'm doing this and let it echo in the ears of theater-goers for years after they see the movie.  I can't think of a more passionate, emotion filled cry in any other word in any other movie.  I know the movie is really drilling in the point of the idea  but I really consider Braveheart the ultimate movie about freedom (well actually Spartacus, but Braveheart is a close 2nd).  It would be like if the Movie Gandhi ended with Gandhi screaming "PACIFISM!". you really feel how important this man believes in the idea that he is fighting for and dying for.

This is going to be a hard one. Mainly because you chose two of the best (Rosebud and Freedom) right off the bat. I'll try to come up with a list that would bring diversity in the proceedings and at the same time point out that both quotes I'd otherwise put on my list are B.S.. "Rosebud" was said to no one so how could the newspapermen and their editors know what Charles Kane's last words were? As for "Freedom;" never actually materialized for the Scots both during William Wallace's time and just a few weeks ago.

4. "Toga!" from Animal House (1978)

I had been building an impressive DVD collection for years by the time my freshman year of college came. The first film I watched in my college dorm room on my brand-used 12 inch screen TV was National Lampoon's Animal House; still the absolute gold standard for college themed movies. What better way to exemplify the films bacchanalian spirit than with Bluto (John Belushi) screaming "Toga!" at the top of his lungs? With those immortal words the boys of Delta House muster up the materials for a "Roman Toga Party...which received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here."

 

3. "Khaaan!" from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Captain Kirk; a man so resourceful he battled a Gorn using only his hands and ingenuity. A man who tricked the NOMAD with a contradictory statement and spotted a cloaking Bird of Prey from the dark recesses of space (yes I know I'm a nerd). Kirk finally meets his match with Khan Noonien Singh. Khan had just taken the Genesis Machine and left Kirk and his crew marooned in the center of a dead planet. With no plan of action or escape, Kirk lets out a blistering yell, screaming out the name of his foe. So next time you're back is up against a corner try yelling in Shatneresque fashion. It might make you feel better.

 

2. "Bueller?" from Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

Actor, writer, comedian, political commentator and evolution denier Ben Stein has made a career out of being the the least liked guy in the room. No where is that more clear than in Ferris Bueller's Day Off a film I personally don't like that much but admit its memorable. Ben Stein plays a bit part as a droning History teacher who calls Ferris's name during attendance, only to find that once again the habitually truant student is not at his desk. Where is he? Ruining a parade, sneaking into a 4-star restaurant, going to a Cub's game and wrecking his sick friend's car all for his sick satisfaction.

1. "Whoa" from The Matrix (1999)

Oh Keanu Reeves. Despite such a limited range, the man is in so many memorable films and is given a good amount of priceless lines. If it's not the hundred or so "bogus's" in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1991) or Johnny Mnemonic (1995) "It's a Fish," there's this gem from The Matrix which 1. does a good job expressing my thoughts on the Wachowski Siblings masterpiece and 2. expresses my disbelief of his impressive career. The man played Buddha for godsakes! Not well but he did! He has one hell of an agent.

Notes from the Usher Podium: Razing Arizona

So I'm going to start this article with a rare retraction. My previous statements about the State of Arizona and the City of Mesa were false. They were said in a moment of outward positivity and injected with liberal amounts of hope. Since I have settled in the Grand Canyon State and observed the people who populate it, I realize now that this homunculus patch of dirt is trying to spit me out like a batch of expired cactus salsa.

The trouble started as soon as we got a new apartment. Without money and sleeping on an inflatable mattress, our Spartan living left us with little to do but explore. Additionally my computer has had a reoccurring charger issue which finally reached its breaking point two weeks after our arrival. My girlfriend's computer became our only access point to the larger world though its ability to play DVDs has halted. Without a television, a DVD player or a comfortable mattress we went out often to find affordable fun.

Driving in a AC-less car across the valley I couldn't help but notice how myopic the local population is. Everyone seems to be from someplace else yet they all have the same chip on their shoulders and have a complete inability to notice anyone else. Like mules with blinders on they go through their lives stubbornly unaware of how small and precious their world really is. There are no recycling programs here; All the toilets are dual flush and everyone is either driving a Lexus or a pickup truck. Most large storefronts have these mist-ers


Are you serious?! We're in a drought!!!

providing a constant stream of water to those sitting outside. The irony is no one sits outside so these places are wasting gallons of water for no good reason. This place is one big haboob away from being lost to the world yet everyone is scarfing down their hamburgers and lazily treading the local mall like it's going out of style.

The culture here is a real problem for me. There is no culture. The Mexican and Native American influences that make New Mexico a must see have been relegated to little disconnected nooks so white people can feel like they're slumming it then walk to Starbucks for a latte. What's left is a culture with no past or future; as disposable as wetnap and as complex as an amoeba.

Pictured: Everyone who ever gave you a noogie

The nearby town of Tempe is a bustling college town lacking a diversity of bookstores and food yet is the closest thing to home I've seen. The one few moments of relative calm came when the lady and I went to World of Beer and I had my first Founders in over two months. Despite a young population, Tempe doesn't seem to have much behind it. It's like all the people you disliked in high school went to college in the same place. Nearby ASU is known as one of the largest party schools in the nation...so hurray for that.

In the middle of the valley sits the hamlet of Scottsdale, less the art center it boasts to be and more a white-washed bastion of faux-multiculturalism. It almost feels like a zoo. The city has everything a human would need like food, water, toys and souvenir shopping yet faced with the world surround it, it feels completely out of place and fake. It's like Thomas Kinkade and Norman Rockwell created a miniature town for a movie production the populated it with grotesque Caucasian stereotypes.

Lies! All lies!

Finally there's Mesa itself which unlike the touristy Scottsdale or the bacchanalian Tempe is where people seem to actually live. Again people have artificially constructed a world all their own. The only time anyone interacts with one another (other than familiar relations) is when concealed carry

This is not going to end well...

drivers rear-end each other on the road. The common thread in these various worlds is the mysticism and idolization of the Wild West at least among the elderly. Among the young there is complete disconnect and ignorance of anything outside their own social circles. Between the revolving door of concerts and Instagram updates there seems little time to dedicate to anything else. I'd be fine with this ignorance if it were complimented with a willingness to learn but alas a fear of change is baked into them.

I won't divulge the office politics of my new employer other than to say that work is the one silver lining that has kept me relatively sane. Sane being a relative term as mere weeks into project Manifest Dreadfully I lost my wallet which had my Michigan drivers license, my social security card, my various bank cards, my Chicago Public Library card and my Blockbuster card which I keep as a joke. My only means of identification are my Passport and my birth certificate (issued in Guatemala and therefore in Spanish) and my proof of citizenship birth abroad (only a copy).

My immediate task was cancelling my cards which was done before anyone tried to use them. My guess is my wallet is in a garbage dump somewhere and not in someone's pocket as I haven't gotten any alerts. My bank quickly became the least of my worries as I had already changed my address to Mesa. However in issuing a new card they are also trying to send a new activation code which comes separately from the card. I've waited two weeks and have yet to receive the code which expires in a month.

My driver's license is another story entirely. I have made three attempts to get one from the DMV or what they call in Arizona, the Motor Vehicle Services. The first time they outright refused to accept my birth certificate as it was in another language. They did give me a paper with valid forms of ID which includes an SS Card. Ironic since I need a license to get my SS Card. You'd think in a border state you'd have at least one person who could be a translator but no dice.

The second time I wrongfully assumed the un-activated bank card I have would have worked but again I was rebuffed by a surly public office lackey. Additionally as my former license was issued in Michigan they needed to locate my driving records from another server. Finally on the third try I brought everything...passport, non-functioning bank card, W-2 forms, copy of my Michigan driver's license and a copy of my SS card which were provided by my employer, mail from my current address, bills, paystubs, a High School Yearbook, medical records; if I wanted to I could take the papers I brought and build a replica of the tree they pulped. It seemed I was out of the woods...then their system crashed.

You'll never end me Arizona, NEVER!

Everyone I've asked has said they love it here. Once the heat dies down, the excellent weather will make all my problems go away. I certainly hope this is the case and I no longer have to dip into a warm pool after 9pm to finally get the sweat off my brow. I've been reading into what is commonly referred to as the Arizona black hole theory which is simply: you'll never leave Arizona once you reside here. This prospect scares the hell out of me. For while I try to make the best out of every situation and my support system is strong, I can't stand the idea of living in one place for more than eight years. Let alone a place hot enough to cook an egg on the sidewalk.