Outsmarting Depression

Depression sucks. I've dealt with true, blue depression for over a year now and let me tell you something - it isn't a picnic. In the past I tried to be supportive of my friends suffering with mental disease and disorder but it is only now that I realize how unhelpful I was being. "Just fake it until you make it," was the mantra I often used. Little did I know I was only alienating those I care about and often times making them feel worse.

In my defense I didn't truly understand how depression actually feels. You can intellectualize all you want, coming up with various reasons why you aren't worthless; you can even come up with an action plan reasoning how you feel is a symptom of what you're doing. That's how I dealt with feeling blue after all, and while I understood a lot of people with depression have chemical imbalances that get them to that point, I always believed you were ultimately the governor of your own mind.

Yeah, no. Depression is your brain basically trying to kill you - going so far as to metastasize that feeling into bodily discomfort. It's like a pressure building in your head not unlike the feeling you get right before you cry. Only there is no release at the end of it - just a consistent draining of fluids that aren't there. There's also a whole body experience where it's like you're being pressed by heavy rocks. At its worse it prevents you from even moving.

Intellectualizing it, like I did in the past - just got me in my own oodaloop as it were. I'd start self-advocating for the task I was performing, "you got this, you're good at this." then it morphed into, "No you don't, you hate this, everyone knows you hate this, they hate you, you hate you, you're worthless." And on and on...

So the manta of "fake it til you make it," the mantra I once used to get over "feeling blue," i.e. not really depression, no longer works. Shocker. But other things do work at least for me in blunting the blade of it all. Here are some of the things I've been doing and who knows, they may help you.

1. No more alcohol.
I'm a very introverted person which causes me to feel self-conscious in small group settings. To compensate for this, I would often drink to loosen myself up a little allowing my personality to shine through. I'd then be able to regale people with my stories, commit to truly inspired witty repartee or at the very least become so drunk as to not care as to whether or not I was anti-social.

With my depression however, I realized alcohol only amplifies the oppressive feeling of sadness I feel. I mean, duh, it's a depressant! So instead of running the risk of embarrassing myself by announcing how sad and miserable I am, I just decided I'm done. I'm not getting the mileage I once was so why continue using a crutch I've outgrown. Oh God that means I'm basically Mormon now!

Of course that means now, when I decide to be social, I'm standing on my own two feet - the anxiety of it makes me almost nauseous to think about which brings me to my next way to outsmart my depression...

2. Re-defining success.
At social gatherings my definition of success was based on a sliding scale of impact. How much of an impression did I leave on the group? Was it a good impression on the group? Be there the whole time dude, or else you'll miss your window to leave an impression on the group! This put my success squarely in the hands of the group. I can't continue doing that. Instead I think of it in regards to inter-connectivity with the individual. What does this person I'm talking to right now want? Can I provide what they want? What do I want and can this person provide that to me? Some people want an audience, others want to be left well enough alone. Others still want to climb a social ladder of some kind while others want to do what I used to do which was leave an impression. Most times when I'm in a social situation I just want to connect with people - arguably the easiest thing one can do.

So to re-define my success, I create meaningful connections with individuals instead of leaving impact on a group. I don't have to meet everyone at a party anymore - I just want to be a good listener to that one person, or a good talker for that one person. And when you really think about it isn't it better to create one deep, positive connection than a dozen shallow ones?

3. Create the space.
I take it back when I said earlier that I'm an introverted person. If introvert-ism means getting drained by most people instead of getting energized then that doesn't define me. I like most people. But what I do too often is let other people define me instead of letting me define myself.

Part of that has to do with the spaces I meet them in. To borrow an incredibly outdated, borderline offensive comparison - I feel like a Beta-male in nearly every space I'm in. Mics, bars, the gym, work, family gatherings, grocery stores, parties of acquaintances, nuclear power plants, marketing meetings - these are the places I have a hard time "belonging." Places I feel a little more in control include: home, movie theaters, libraries, parties with close friends, the beach, the kitchen, on a stage, on my bike, restaurants and bars I actually frequent...these are the places I tend to shine.

Hygge b***h!

But what if you just have to be in places you feel out of place in? I for one have to be in spaces I absolutely hate every day in order to accomplish what I have to accomplish. So I try to reclaim it by physically changing it or figuring out a way to keep me grounded. For example at work: I have a tiny, little closet space I keep all to my own. I have all of my work stuff there but more importantly I have a multitude of fidgets, posters and my own coffee mug stored in there. And it's all organized just the way I like it. Sure every once in a while people go in there to dump more storage but then I just cast it to the side and make my space mine again.

But what if you just can't reform or reclaim the space for yourself? Well That's when rituals and totems work. I'm trying to get myself into a pre-psyche ritual so I'll get back to you if/when it works. I know it will have something to do with music. Otherwise I carry a totem with me to keep me grounded in the form of a purple marble. I keep it in my pocket and gently roll it in my hands before I go up at a mic.

4. Data
I have a friend who gave me a point-by-point journal exercise I've found useful. The whole thing only takes about ten minutes to write it all down. The rules are as follows:

• The audience is you and you alone
• 1-2 sentences on the space you're in right now
• 1-2 sentences on how you're feeling
• 1-2 sentences on what else is on your mind
• Thank yourself for the previous day's accomplishments no matter how big or small.
•  Think about where to go from here.

I find that second point to be especially helpful. Earlier journal entries, I used to just jump into how I feel - usually anxious about the future. Talking about the space first, in at the moment made me aware of the present which then relaxed me enough to actually put my thoughts together.

But say you don't have time for that. Say journals are not the best form of self-reflection to fit your busy schedule. Well for standup I have a little something different. I have a little notebook where I write down details of the mics I got to. I record my sets and at the beginning of each week, I listen to them and tally how many laughs I get. I then average out my laughs per minute for the week.

Is it obsessive and takes way more time and effort than a journal entry? Sure, but one of the benefits of doing this is it gives me hard evidence to show my brain that I'm improving. Every time I get into a spiral of self-doubt I get out my little black book, look over the LPM and tell my brain to shut up. "You suck." "No I don't - I have proof of improvement!"

Me: 1 | Brain: 0

5. It's not you, its them.
I hesitate to advocate for this one. I consider myself a nice person therefore I like to avoid having mean thoughts. That's not a brag, it's just not in my nature. I see a barista struggling with my order my instinct isn't to berate or roll my eyes in disdain. I've been there before! It's not fun to be struggling in front of an audience nor is it ever acceptable to be a dips**t to people that are under obligation to help you. But...

If you're ultimately defined by what you do then that basically negates everything that takes place in your head. Don't psychoanalyze everyone who's ruining your day in order to explain away the external - don't burden yourself with that noise. If you're like me, you'll just end up taking that empathy gun and pointing it inward. Hey that guy is being flippant and mean...It's not his fault, he's having a bad day. Or maybe something's wrong with me, My body language was very closed off when he talked to me, he may have been reacting to that. Or maybe it's my breath or what I'm wearing - I hate this sweater - I hate me. No-no stop! There's nothing is wrong with you and that guy has a whole support system willing to make excuses for his s**tty behavior. He's an a**hole - that's it! f**k that barista too! You new here bro?!

6.  Ugh.
Just f**king staying positive is a thing I guess. Yeah it's a hard thing to do and in the moment it has no tangible benefit but if you're brain is literally trying to kill you, you have to make a conscious and consistent effort to stay positive. Do whatever you need to do to get that done. Go watch a movie, eat your favorite food, get a massage, do what you need to do and don't feel guilty about it.

That's all I got.

The Madness of Working on Yourself

One of my goals for the year was writing one hundred blog posts by the end of the year. It's the end of July and I've only written eight. Don't get me wrong, I still have been writing every day either through joke writing or personal journal entries. But the fact that I have yet to really make headway in this endeavor is not filling me with joy.

But what differentiates the blog format in my eyes, is the audience I am speaking to. A Journal entry is personal - I'm able to talk to myself as myself and reflect upon the day's goings-on. Jokes are on the opposite of the spectrum - an external expression of who I want to present to a crowd. Who I am v who I want to be. Blogs are kind of in that in-between space for me. I want to be able to be myself but I also want to be aspirational and present myself well. It's the equivalent of going on a date. Do you have the wherewithal to know you have some bad habits? Yes. But you're not about to floss your teeth with a piece of sock string just meeting someone. That doesn't happen until the third or fourth date.

Additionally, there's the issue of - you know - other people. No man is an island and if you're human and not a hermit, your life has been impacted directly or indirectly by lots of people. Talking about others no matter how innocuously in a public setting (such as on a blog which anyone can theoretically read), runs the risk of misrepresenting another living human being - which is no bueno.

It's interesting reflecting on the lives we lead.

I probably wouldn't be writing today if not for the goal sheet I keep as an Excel cluttering my desktop display. At the beginning of the year, I wrote down my highest aspirations and put them into the universe in the vaguest of terms. Then I tailored them to fit the SMART goal format because that's the method I was taught by my year of trauma...I mean Americorp. Then I broke it down further into specific pieces that clicked into my main scripts of life. Ugh...this is becoming a thing now. Okay, I'll explain.

So My main scripts of life are as follows:

• Mindfulness - learning to be present and trying to be aware of my feelings and actions.
• Ubuntu - making my actions affect others in a positive way (it's a shortening of a Swahili phrase meaning "I am through others").
• Hygge - The Danish word describing a quality of coziness and conviviality
• Comic Framing - The challenge to look broadly at the funny side of things whether it be silly, absurd, dark or light.

So for example my goal in its vaguest form was "Become a professional comedian and comedy writer." Cool - so now one of the many pieces of that: "I will write 100 blog posts this year." Breaking down that sentence into a SMART goal:

Specific: 100 is specific
Measurable: I can count them
Achievable: Have/had 365 days to do it!
Relevant: Relevant to my vague goal of comedy writing to the extent of keeping good work habits.
Time-bound: EOY.

Now the scripts to which this is all attached to - drum roll - Mindfulness and Comic Framing of course!

Is this the markings of insanity? You should see my 4 notebooks detailing the methods to which I approach jokes, the cork board full of post-its and the excel graphs of my laughs per minute average (LPM).

And this is just one aspect of life! I have 4 more other goals I am aiming towards. I want to make more money, want to make new friends, want to be confident in myself and be responsible enough to handle another person's affections. It's a lot to tackle but not when I break everything down.

So I have 5 more months to write 91 posts. That's 18-19 entries per month. Can I do it? Guess we'll find out!