Thursday, March 29, 2012

Chapter 18: The Big Slog

My girlfriend left on a school trip to Missouri and my roommate for Ohio leaving me alone in the apartment. With no cable or plans of any kind, other than work, I have been bored out of my skull. I've tried to distract myself by going on walks and fantasizing about winning the lottery but that hasn't been exactly productive. What has been productive is my movie watching. Out of my now dwindling list of 100, I have managed to watch 26 in the first month. Not a bad considering all the crap I had to sit through. My latest slog took me through the wonderful worlds of The Shadow (1994), Resident Evil: Extinction (2007), Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) and Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011).

The first, I actually watched a few days ago and was hoping to watch The Punisher: War Zone (2008) along with it. That way I'd have a theme via comic-book movies. Unfortunately the friend that actually owns it only has it on blu-ray and shockingly the Blockbuster down the street didn't have it. How can they not have it? Sure Punisher isn't that new and it wasn't that popular but it does have its audience. An audience who no doubt is stupid enough to shell out money to rent it from Blockbuster instead of downloading it on the internet for free. Oh well, at least I'll be spared the pairing of Ray Stevenson and Dominic West (I don't know those names either) for the time being.

The Shadow stars Alec Baldwin who looks rather odd as a younger man. Seeing him today on 30 Rock or only a few years ago in The Departed (2006) he looks distinguished and stern. Back in the mid-nineties he looked like a kid wearing his dad's work suits. The movie was released just as the Batman movies started to suck; the Schumacher years. It was at that time comic-book movies were seen by producers for their moneymaking potential yet they didn't quite know how to handle them. What resulted were films like Blade (1998), The Phantom (1996) and, of course The Shadow.The Shadow is probably the best of the lot mainly because of its elaborate special effects. Mid-nineties CGI wasn't exactly creme de la creme but director Russell Mulcahy makes it all work to his advantage. Additionally, while the story is as predictable as a weak bladder, I liked the way the film jauntily moved from one cliche to the other with no pretension or attempt at irony. Of course there's a love story and...oh wait we've passed the place where the two are drawn to each other? On to another chase sequence involving the defusing of a bomb via green wire or red? Lock and load; It's that spirited!

I wish I could say the same for the Resident Evil franchise which has been limping to the bank for the past decade. I've noticed I usually give a franchise two movies to wow me. After that I kind of give up on it (See Twilight). Resident Evil was one such franchise. The first one (2002) was okay. It was slightly enjoyable but you could tell it was adapted from a video game in that everything that moved was to be shot at. The second Apocalypse (2004) was absolutely dreadful trying hopelessly to add a complex mythology that makes little sense when you think about it.

But lets suppose a killer zombie virus concocted by a seemingly omnipresent corporation is released into the populous. Mind you this corporation has a huge personal army, unlimited funds to build massive underground laboratories with complex security grids, track people with satellites and has access to nuclear weapons. And suppose our hero, Alice is a ultra-hot cyborg/clone/whatever-the-hell (Milla Jovovich) who wants to take this corporation down. Well then you get crap Resident Evil: Extinction.

The film starts with a prologue about how because the T-Virus has infected everyone and everything, most of the terrain in north America has been replaced with arid desert. Now why do we need to know that? All of the action in this installment takes place on the outskirts of Las Vegas, an area already surrounded by desert. With that in mind, that nugget of information seems unnecessary. Also unnecessary are the meatsacks. I say meatsacks because, lets face it, other than Alice, all other characters are zombie food.

Now there are a lot of problems with this movie but the one that pissed me off the most was the inclusion of Mike Epps who provided "comic relief" in Apocalypse and now provides stupidity in Extinction. As with all zombie movies, once you're bitten you're pretty much dead and early on Mike Epps is a dead man. So instead of telling the small band of survivors "hey I'm chopped liver, pull over, I'll walk from here," he keeps his wound secret until he turns at the most dramatically convenient time. Oh and another thing, our heroine has telekinetic abilities? What...when...explain movie! Repeating the word "T-Virus" doesn't tell me anything.

The movie ends with our heroine finding multiple clones of herself and telling the main villain Wesker (Shawn Roberts) she's gunning for him next, which sets up the next movie. You'd think with a title like Afterlife it'd be more alive than what I saw. After a siege on the Corporation's Tokyo branch involving multiple Alices and Wesker the movie trails one of the Alices to Alaska then Los Angeles (neither of which look like deserts to me) as she and a partner look for Arcadia, a place free of infection. On the way they meet a few more meatsacks who have less characterization than the zombies.

I know I'm not the first to ask but which is the real Alice? Which one are we following? In one early scene, Alice and Wesker crash a plane after Wesker injects her with something to make her human I guess. Okay, then how did she survive the crash? How did Wesker? How did she get to Tokyo then Alaska? How did the other survivors from the last movie make it from Las Vegas to Alaska in a helicopter. How can a two seat twin engine prop plane make it from remote Alaska to Los Angeles? Explain movie! I guess by the fourth installment its best not to ask questions.

After watching three movies based on other mediums, I thought it was time to watch something original. Plus with 25 movies under my belt, I figured I would reward myself with something I thought was going to be good. So for my last movie in the slog I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011).

Thus far Crazy, Stupid Love. is my favorite. While a few moments were contrived, I enjoyed and sympathized with the characters so much that I ignored some of the zanier moments. In fact, I loved them all the more because of how they dealt with the situations. It was a movie where everyone seemed real, no one felt like an absolute villain or a starchy-clean good guy. Like love and life, everything was messy yet fun to watch. And wow, what a cast. In addition to Carrell, there was Julianne Moore, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Kevin Bacon and Marisa Tomei; all in top form. The only time the movie lost me for the cynic that I am was at the end. Steve Carell is a talented actor and good at many things but he can't convince me that his impromptu speech-making is that all encompassing and syrupy sweet.

So with 26 down I have 74 to go. Here's a quick list of all the movies I've seen in rough order of preference...
IN MEMORIUM
Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011)
Bunraku (2011)
Treasure Planet (2002)
The Last Starfighter (1982)
Nightbreed (1990)
Trollhunter (2010)
The Hunger Games (2012)
Hackers (1995)
The Last Boy Scout (1991)
Hobo With a Shotgun (2011)
The Shadow (1995)
The Nines (2007)
Parent Trap (1961)
The Last Unicorn (1982)
Attack Force Z (1982)
The Lorax (2012)
Dead Snow (2009)
Shock Treatment (1981)
Dune (1984)
Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)
Resident Evil Afterlife (2010)
Paintball (2009)
Rock & Rule (1983)
Xanadu (1980)
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Why Did I Get Married Too? (2010)

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Chapter 17: A Mental Mind F*** Isn't That Nice

Have you ever had one of those days where a lot of things seem to happen all at once. Maybe some good, some bad but overall its just a rollercoaster of a workday that frustratingly forges images of a warm bed in your mind. Yesterday was one of those days; or at least the part where I worked at the theater. We had a live feed for a special presentation shut down on us, forcing us to give out readmit passes to pissed off old people, three other showtimes were cancelled for various reasons guaranteeing I got the brunt of customer complaints and to top it all off, I had a trainee in the box. All of this while the Governor of Michigan, Rick Snyder came in with his family to watch The Hunger Games (2012). That part was actually kind of cool. Granted I'm not a fan; in fact I signed the petition to recall him, but seeing him with his family while making small talk with some of the employees reminded me that even politicians are human. Less principled ones, but human nonetheless.

Needless to say it was a mess of a day much like 1981's Rocky Horror Picture Show's (1975) quasi-sequel Shock Treatment (like how I did that there). For like my abhorrent workday, Shock Treatment has constant, insistent movement to it but ultimately means little and makes little sense. Also at one point in both instances I yelled "Oh God why?!"

I literally had to look the film up on Wikipedia to try to give a concise plot summary. Essentially its about the town of Denton which has been engulfed by a large television studio. Brad and Janet (Cliff De Young & Jessica Harper) supposedly the same characters from Rocky Horror, are forced to endure a cavalcade of bizarre musical numbers while trying to keep their troubled marriage from falling apart. This of course involves him being committed and her becoming a network star. Because nothing says "I love you" like a straight jacket and glitter.

Shock Treatment was recommended to me by a friend from work who has an odd fetish with the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Admittedly I'm not a fan. The songs were catchy enough but the story was bizarre and just plodded along at a lackadaisical pace. At least imitators like Little Shop of Horrors (1986) had clear cut stories that weren't just an exercise in corset wearing awkwardness. In fairness, I watched it by myself my sophomore year of college so maybe I wasn't able to latch on to its zeitgeist like many of my friends did. Maybe before I judge it definitively I should go to one of those midnight screenings where people lip-synch, throw things at the screen and tape rubber dildos on willing participants.

If only Shock Treatment could be subjected to such...treatment. Aside from the actor playing Brad looking like Ben Folds, there is nothing that makes the couple stand out like Susan Sarandon and Barry Bostwick did. The main villain (also played by Cliff De Young) is blander than a bowl of oatmeal and the songs are right up there with him. It takes a special kind of apathy to start a song singing to a blender and other kitchen appliances. Additionally, you can tell the movie is trying oh so hard to make fun of consumer culture, but it misses its mark entirely like a four-year-old's first archery lesson.

If anything positive came out of this experience, Shock Treatment got me thinking about some of the other underrated musicals I have seen eons ago. Ones that actually make sense and are marginally entertaining like Everyone Says I Love You (1996), The Brave Little Toaster (1987) and Man of La Mancha (1972). Now those are a couple of forgotten gems people should seek out and cherish. Brave Little Toaster specifically celebrates the enigmatic appeal of old horror movies in a single two minute song much better than Rocky Horror did in an hour and forty minutes. Don't believe me, here's the link!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Chapter 16: The Dog Days of Disney

As of today Disney has made 51 theatrically released animated feature films. Out of those, only about three have had main characters with a full family unit consisting of a mother and a father. There have been no Disney movies thus far with two mothers or two fathers either unless you count the ambiguous relationship between Mr. Toad and Cyril Proudbottom, so it seems they simply have a problem with parents.No doubt as a penance, in 1961 the company that brought you The Devil and Max Devlin (1981) released a Hayley Mills starring, anti-divorce film known as The Parent Trap. In it, a set of estranged identical twins meet by sheer happenstance at camp, trade places, and attempt to bring their divorced parents back together again. The plot immediately appealed to me, even though I had seen the Lindsay Lohan remake. It's a story about the difficulties of preserving the family unit, the unfairness of divorce on young children and the implications of love when faced with the practicalities of life. So naturally Disney sidesteps such themes to make a film as fluffy and unnecessary as a feather boa.Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. The young Hayley Mills who had just started her Disney movie blitz is at her best as the likeable twins Susan and Sharon. Both characters have personalities that are just developed enough to tell them apart but in case its too subtle one has an impossibly old-school New England accent. Their hijinks are fun, their humor agreeable and the end result is one of the more charming performances to come from a child actor.

I'm actually quite concerned for these kids who have to deal with such narcissistic parents. Sure Disney glosses over the reasons why they got divorced in the first place but its easy to see their personalities are just too self-absorbed to be the least bit sympathetic. If you're the proud parents of twins or triplets or sextuplets, you'd be able to narrow in on who's Justin and Dustin wouldn't you? That puzzle would be even less difficult if one of them had been a stranger to you for thirteen or so years but this all seems to be above their heads. Its only when one of them finally blurts out the truth that the families discover there's something rotten in the state of Massachusetts.

The parents get even worse when they reunite and start exchanging rancorous chit-chat. The father (Brian Keith) you see is about to marry a much younger gold digger who, of course, exemplifies the evil stepmother trope we've all come to expect. So it only makes sense that the man's ex-wife (Maureen O'Hara) takes a trip to the coast, unannounced, totting one of two Machiavellian moppets making catty comments, and dressing in the man's bathrobe. She then prances around the grounds while he's entertaining in a twisted game of hide-and-seek. Once they actually meet up, they of course argue until she literally punches him in the face in front of their kids! By that point, the couple was one mimosa away from Thunderdome.

If either of them were smart they'd get a restraining order against each other and shuttle both kids back and forth between California and Massachusetts. Not an idyllic solution, but its better than living with The War of the Roses (1988) 24/7. But alas they do stick it out together in the end because everything is supposed to be cheery, rosy and bright. It's a Disney movie after all; there are no tears in Disney movies! I just fear that kids with divorced parents will see this movie and want to imitate it which is kind of sad when you think about it. Its a hard lesson to learn kids, but sometimes a divorced household is better than one where one parent's in the morgue and the other in jail.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Chapter 15: The Hunger Games


In summer of 2008, I like many fanboys at the time waited with anticipation, purchased freshly inked tickets and stood in line to be amongst the first to watch The Dark Knight (2008). As the date got closer we coordinated with my ex's friends to make a big hoopla out of opening night. We raided Salvation Army and scanned local costume shops looking for anything that could be made into an appropriate costume. There was a Batman and Joker of course, in addition to a Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow and Ridler. I, being the more portly of my friends came dressed as The Penguin complete with a humungous black umbrella and monocle. It was a hell of a show and kindled what eventually became a very fond memory.

I'm sure many of you have been to a midnight premiere but few have probably had to witness it from the other side. Oceans of people arrive clamoring for popcorn and drinks, waiting in line with three or more of their friends laughing and cheering. Meanwhile we theater employees are running around like chickens with our heads cut off searching in vain for the last Icee cap. It can get ugly.

The midnight show for The Hunger Games (2012) I would actually describe as anything but ugly. Sure working a double shift from 10am-1am can be a little daunting but its not like the lights went out. Plus the clientele for Hunger Games was much more subdued than the Harry Potter crowd; and way more attractive too. Seriously, hordes of gorgeous, sporty, college-aged women flooded the lobby. And with the weather being so unusually warm, I felt like I was in single man heaven. Though I'm not single, and I'm grateful for that...very grateful.

After everyone entered their theaters I was cut almost immediately which was actually a bit disappointing. In anticipation for a blowout I pounded three Red Bulls and was more alert than airport security when a man in a turban walks by. The problem was compounded further when you consider I had to open the next morning at 8am. So instead of doing the bright thing and going home hoping the caffeine would eventually leave my system, I decided to hell with it, I'm going to watch the 3:15am Hunger Games (yes we had a 3:15am). It is on the list after all.

Now for those of you who aren't familiar with the plot of Hunger Games let me be the first to congratulate you for finally coming out from under that rock. And for the record, that bright hot light in the sky is called the sun. The Hunger Games takes place in a dystopian future where teens from various districts within the country/kingdom are picked at random and forced to kill each other in a wooded area for television. Katniss is one such "tribute" who volunteers to take her little sister's place and has to survive the onslaught.

For those out there that say this is just a sanitized version of Battle Royale (2000), you're concerns are slightly justified. But it's just different enough that you can enjoy it as a good mix of influences including George Orwell's 1984.

Now with the movie so fresh in my mind, and Red Bull still coursing through my veins, I can't quite give a concrete opinion. Chances are even if I said it was a flaming pile of goose droppings, if you're interested you're going to watch it anyway. I would however like to comment on a few observations I gathered while watching it.

Again, it could be because of the Red Bull but when the games actually began, my heart was racing. A few scenes were unbearably tense and emotionally loaded. That being said however, my experience seemed to run counter to a lot of people in the audience. At many points the blood just got too much for me but the audience seemed to eat it up, at points hooting and clapping at a few choice kills.

While discretion was made on the part of the filmmakers, the fact that this movie got a PG-13 is ludicrous. When a documentary like Bully (2012) can be slapped with an R for profanity yet this movie gets a pass for gratuitous violence says something very interesting about our culture as a whole. Don't get me wrong, blowing up a bus full of baddies can be fun but when kids are getting cut up and beaten the movie should be given a second glance; even if a big production company released it. The fact that people were reacting positively to such violence only reinforces my point. I'd like to see how this movie ends up playing to the families that are coming during the day this weekend.

I asked my roommate, who has read the book what the overall point of the story was. Her answer was to entertain and to warn that if things are left unchecked we would one day live in a draconian society. Two long hard fought wars, I’m more worried we’d be turning into a more violent society. One where dressing up to movie premieres was an invitation for a guaranteed ass-whooping.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Chapter 14: Fjun in the Fjords

To celebrate the (knock on wood) end of winter, I sat down and watched two films produced in the subarctic wastelands of Scandinavia. Both were creature features and thankfully neither had a fatalistic obsession with death, guilt and Christian symbolism. Both were actually quite inventive and fun in their own twisted kind of way. Also they're Norwegian not Swedish.

The first was 2010’s TrollHunter, the tale of a group of students who follow whom they believe to be a bear poacher, but who turns out to be something a lot more. What more? Consult the title. Devotees will recall I tried to watch TrollHunter on Netflix earlier last week and failed conclusively. Thankfully back at the apartment I was able to get a good connection and stream it without too much trouble

The movie is made to look like one of those handheld “discovered footage” films that have been invading movie theaters and rental places as of late. The style was first employed with rapturous reception in The Blair Witch Project (1999) and has since been used with diminishing returns. Here however the style doesn’t hurt the movie like it did in say Cloverfield (2008), but it certainly doesn’t help much either. What does help is the inclusion of Otto Jespersen playing the crusty troll-hunter who reluctantly allows the film crew into his inner sanctum. It also helps that the creatures themselves are pretty cool too.

The end kind of bothered me a bit. I won’t ruin it other than to say it seems a little random and ultimately does everything that came before it little service. But hey, at least while being let down by a lackluster ending, you get to see the mother of all epic battles, albeit through a handheld camera. Ultimately it was well worth my time and will be well worth yours to check TrollHunter out if you can.

Dead Snow however I would not recommend as highly to anyone other than fans of schlocky horror. Like TrollHunter, the film takes place in Norway and follows a group of young students. Unlike TrollHunter however, the students come across a battalion of Nazi zombies out to find hidden treasure. At least that’s what I think they’re after, the plots not 100% clear. What is clear is they’re out for blood so long as its as comically gory. It’s funny; they are clever enough to know when they’re being taunted and coordinated enough to run, climb trees and use binoculars yet they’re too dumb to use their pistols.
And while I hate to use the word cliche (because its so cliche), Dead Snow has a whole glut of them. Characters split up from each other despite evidence they shouldn't, people who were told to stay away from the window don’t, and of course, the people who have sex, die.

Just once I want the pervy guy or the loose girl to survive. Or at least make it to the next round! I mean its gotten to the point where people have been conditioned to expect death after sex in horror movies. What kind of subliminal message do you think that sends? If you do arguably the most natural thing a human can ever do, you will be sodomized with a machete by Jason Vorhees. You want abstinence based sex ed? Show Sleepaway Camp (1983) in class.Let’s just imagine if we lived in a world where the lessons learned through horror films applied. No one would ever ask for directions, no one would ever visit Texas, and behemoth serial killers would be ambling around with more stab wounds and bullet holes in them than a dead Detroit native. Not to mention every creepy old man with an ominous story to tell would get a book deal to warn the masses.

Ultimately despite a novel concept, Dead Snow is just a boring retread of every horror film you've ever seen. Even the most inspired moments are lifted from other movies. TrollHunter on the other hand is surprisingly fun and shows ingenuity both in front and behind the camera. In the end, I can safely conclude the Norwegians sure do have a flair for the supernatural and a tendency to have some fun behind the camera.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Chapter 13: Unicorn with a Shotgun - A Cross Narrative of The Last Unicorn & Hobo with a Shotgun


In the enchanted forest there lived a young unicorn with long flowing locks of grey hair and a weathered, scowling face. Upon hearing that he is the last of his kind from a giant bearded butterfly he ventures by train to the village of Hope Town to find information about his missing brethren. Once off the rail however he soon discovers the town to be a cesspool of crime and violence. He witnesses beatings, murders and youngling abductions as he gallops towards the center of town.

The giant butterfly appears with a manhole cover on his head and stumbles around singing a gay little song as a cry for help. Suddenly King Haggard and his sorcerer sons drive up in their pickup and savagely beats the bearded butterfly into submission in front of startled onlookers. Haggard then fit’s the butterfly’s manhole onto the street and whips on a barbwire noose around his head. The butterfly pleas for forgiveness but Haggard kneels down next to him and tells him “forgiveness doesn’t sparkle with me.” He then revs up his engines, decapitates him and dances around in the fountain of blood.

The unicorn then comes across a cave where demons are entertaining themselves by torturing and killing innocent satyrs. The sorcerer duo are also inside tempting the demons with copious amounts of wolf bane. They come across a witch who asks for compassion but is promptly threatened with death. Before they lay a hand on her, the unicorn leaps into action and kicks the brothers in the face with his mighty hooves of doom. He then drags them by the collars to the local lawman’s abode proclaiming he had just made a citizens arrest. The unicorn however is unaware that the lawman has been bought by King Haggard and promptly releases the brothers to wreak havoc on the unicorn.

Coming to, in a shack of the witch, the unicorn is nursed back to health. Back on his feet, the unicorn turns once again to the streets of Hope Town looking for information on the last of his kind. The unicorn saunters up to a voyeuristic harpy who tells him he’s willing to give him information in exchange for debasing himself by eating glass. The unicorn agrees and shovels shards of glass into his face, smiling as he does it. The harpy then tells him in reality he has no information on unicorns and tells him to buzz off.

This brings the unicorn to the brink. He rides to the local gunsmith, drinks a stein of grog and buys himself a double barreled shotgun. He then goes on a wild shooting spree blowing a hole though the harpy, shooting scores of demons and cutting down a phallic tree with a habit of touching little children. This gets the attention of Haggard who demands immediate action. His sons then go forth killing half the children in town with a flame-throwing spell. They then tell the townsfolk that if they do not kill every unicorn they find they will kill the rest of the children in town then force them to watch mediocre magic tricks for all eternity. The citizens of Hope Town then run off to find the unicorns bringing with them their guns, pitchforks and torches.

Meanwhile while the witch walks home from a Magic game, she is picked up by a corrupt ranger who attacks her and forces her into a scullery. However, the unicorn once again comes out from the shadows and saves her, this time stabbing the ranger in the heart with his horn. Knowing that the mobs will be after him, the witch cleverly disguises the unicorn in the body of the dead ranger and they make their way back to her shack. Before they enter, a one-eyed pirate cat sees through his clever disguise and runs to tell the sorcerers of the unicorn’s location.

Armed with a pair of ice skates, a hacksaw and Metallica records, the sorcerers barge into the witch’s humble shack. One brother tries to force himself on the witch while the other stabs the unicorn repeatedly in the back with his ice skates. Luckily the unicorn fights free and shoots one of them in the testicles while the other flees for his life. The witch, traumatized by the experience passes out forcing the unicorn to expose himself and take her to the infirmary.

After a musical interlude involving the juggling of severed heads and the voice of Mia Farrow, the witch wakes up to see the unicorn over her bed side. It is obvious they are attracted to each other and since bestiality is the only realm of taste we haven’t passed, lets just say it happens. In an act of desperation Haggard releases the Red Bull. A demonic bovine who has a habit of slicing people up and lynching them in creative ways. Finding out about the Red Bull, the unicorn runs to find the witch but is intercepted and brought directly to Haggard alive and in a box. The unicorn awaits his fate, overhearing what Haggard had done to all the unicorn and how delicious they all were. The witch travels back to the gunsmith and arms herself to the teeth with guns, blades and ammo. She then rallies the town pleading with them and asking them to stand up for what is right!

Haggard, the Red Bull and the remaining sorcerer release the unicorn from his cage and slices and blunts his face with sharp blades and heavy hardware. In view of an ever growing crowd, Haggard sets a manhole cover on the unicorn’s head and forces him into an open “gloryhole”. He then dances with glee as the Red Bull ties a rope around his neck then ties it taut around his tail. But before the Red Bull can do Haggard’s bidding, the witch flies forth on her broom and knocks the Red Bull down on the ground and cuts the rope. She then corners the sorcerer and commands Haggard to release the unicorn lest she kill his son. Calling the witch's bluff, Haggard shoots his own son in the face, forces the witch to the ground and cuts her hand off with a dull rusty blade. However, in an act of defiance the witch stabs Haggard repeatedly with her carved stub and crawls back to the unicorn.

The Red Bull who has since awoken, maneuvers to charge towards the trapped unicorn. She then uses her stub as leverage to unhinge the unicorn from the hole. The unicorn then charges at the red bull crushing its ribs with swift kicks to the abdomen. He then stabs his eye out before the Red Bull runs away in terror. The unicorn then picks up a shotgun and turns to Haggard who is writhing on the ground in pain. In a dark and raspy voice, the unicorn asks Haggard why he killed all the unicorns. Haggard then laughs while licking his lips. He tells him, gazing up at his dead black eyes, “because everyone knows unicorn blood will let you live forever.”

With that the lawmen arrive lining their sights with the unicorn’s heart. there is a tense standoff but the townspeople finally arrive to take charge and banish the corrupt cops to hell. In one last act of defiance, the unicorn winks then shoots King Haggard which sets off a chain reaction. As our hero and all the villains lay dead in the gutters of Hope Town, the witch gazes up at the stars knowing that the unicorn is up there somewhere reunited with the rest of his kind.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Chapter 12: St. Patty's Day Special


St. Patrick's Day has a bit of significance to me. Not because I'm a good Catholic, an Irish or an alcoholic; Its because St. Patty's Day was supposed to be my first date with my girlfriend. You see we knew each other since high school and years later, after tracking me down on Facebook we reconnected. I asked her out for some fun and fanfare but she couldn't make it and we rescheduled for the 19th which became our official first date. Still I mark the 17th as the day she said yes which at the time was just as much a victory as a superbowl touchdown.

As the years have passed we have spent the green-themed holiday largely having fun among friends at a few of Ypsilanti's taverns and grills. Unfortunately we couldn't start early this year since I had work at the theater. Instead of sulking until six, I decided to make the best of it and made some festive four-leaf clover pretzels, complete with green icing for our cinnamon pretzels. They turned out pretty well though earlier versions of them resembled butterflies more than anything else. One of my co-workers informed me the three-leaf clover would be more appropriate so I glared at him until he turned to stone.

Later in the day, I out geeked a cocky customer who thought they were a self-appointed member of the PC Police. She admired my pretzels then informed me people might be offended by me hocking "Christian symbols" at work. Trying not to get my Irish up, I informed her that technically the pretzel is a Christian symbol. According to my Renaissance to Reformation professor in college, the pretzel was invented during the 1138 siege of Vienna. Bakers didn't have enough dough to make their daily bread so they rolled it out really thin and formed them into what was then the Christian symbol for help.

I felt pretty proud about knowing that. Like Captain Kirk having the seemingly trivial knowledge of making gunpowder, I had the knowledge necessary to embarrass a customer without resorting to a swift kick in the shamrocks. She walked away having learned something...and a pretzel. Later via the reputable source of Wikipedia I realized I had my siege wrong; Vienna was actually attacked in 1529, but they are a Christian symbol. But on the off chance she's reading, I'll make sure to put out a crescent moon during Ramadan.

After work I went back to the apartment where Danni was waiting for me with a rosemary chuck roast and potatoes, a meal so Irish I'm still growing red hair from it. We then watched Hackers (1995) while waiting for friends to be done with their respective obligations.

Hackers is probably the best film you will ever watch about people hunched over on their computers. I doubt its realistic, my computer skills are limited to me knowing what a blog is. Still I know enough to assume a computer mainframe does not look like The Matrix (1999) had sex with Tron (1982) with a pair of 3D glasses. Still, the story was interesting enough and the characters were actually pretty interesting and sympathetic. Even the villain, a fellow computer-geek working for "the man" was good. He was like a dweeby Dr. Doom.

The only sour point really was the inclusion of Matthew Lillard. Don't get me wrong I don't hate him as an actor I just hate the parts he was type-cast to play, i.e. annoying sidekicks who scarf down junk food. The very fact that the principle cast was saved by him is indication enough you shouldn't take the movie seriously. Still for every Matthew Lillard there is a pre-Tomb Raider (2001) Angelina Jolie. Its easy to forget that even before that role she was still a major bombshell.
While the movie was playing, friends cancelled one by one leaving us all dressed up with nowhere to go. Feeling the need to experiment and recover the night, we went out to a club we have never been to to partake in some sultry fun. Coincidentally, we met up with a couple I knew and assumed didn't actually get out much. They do, we did, and thus what started as a pretty boring night, turned out to be a great night filled with green beer and plastic bowler hats. What this has to do with getting all the snakes out of Ireland? I have no idea.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Chapter 11: One Degree to Lethal Weapon


About two weeks into my little experiment I am already starting to feel fatigued. While trying my best to go through the worst ones in the lot, my mind has already started wondering towards movies I have been dying to watch but can't. At the library, the video store and online I see colorful DVD covers from films I have missed over recent years. They can be largely avoided but the posters and standees at work cannot. They taunt me like ten feet tall school yard bullies, pointing and laughing, unwilling to let me join in their fun. I must stay strong.

Part of the trouble may be my strategy of purposely watching the crap-tastic ones first. While stretching down to the bottom of the barrel I may has strained my back and now without a comfy chair to sit down on and relax I may develop sciatica. If you got all that, pat yourself on the metaphor. So these past few days I sat down and watched a few movies I thought I would actually like. Those were The Last Boy Scout (1991) and Attack Force Z (1982).

Thinking back a while I think I might have actually seen The Last Boy Scout. While many of the story nuances may have been beyond me during grade school, one of the last scenes; with the bad guy falling into a helicopter blade is pretty hard to forget. I'm sorry if I ruined it for people who haven't seen it but you could probably decipher from the cover that the good guys win and the bad guys are dispatched in clever ways.

Overall it was a routine buddy cop film with little change in the formula concocted by 48 Hrs. (1982). Good guys argue with each other, bad guys shoot, good guys shoot back, they bro-mantically bond, bad guy dies, catchphrase. The fact that the script is penned by Lethal Weapon (1987) scribe Shane Black should be an indication that its meant for genre fans and casual movie watchers. If you're looking for subtext, you're in the wrong theater.

The film takes place in Los Angeles where the death of a stripper (Halle Berry) forces two very different people to solve her murder. Ones a cynical chain smoking former secret service agent turned private dick (Bruce Willis), the other a former pro-football player axed for illegal gambling (Damon Wayans). Thankfully some of the witty bander from Lethal Weapon inked onto The Last Boy Scout resulting in a very entertaining but ultimately so-so movie.

I liked it, but I was only able to enjoy it after I blocked out the memories of movies like Lethal Weapon, Rush Hour (1998) and Bad Boys (1995). This brings up a larger issue; is it really a bad movie if it invented the cliches exploited in later movies? The Last Boy Scout may not have invented the buddy cop genre but the path was less worn in 1991 than it is in 2012. Its really a question of what you've seen first.

A perfect example would be when I sat down and watched Halloween (1978) for the first time. Its a horror classic to be sure but having watched a slew of slasher flicks over the course of my life Halloween just seemed like a very tame version of the hyper-active stuff I was programmed to like earlier in life. It goes the other way too. When I sit down to watch Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) its a comedy classic! But when I slump on the couch to watch Pineapple Express (2008) I find it incredibly childish and stupid. While I tried my damnedest, and found a lot to like about it, The Last Boy Scout ultimately succumbs to the weight of its cliches which I have seen in both movies before and after it's official release. Watch it only if you want to see Bruce Willis playing a bad-ass or Damon Wayans NOT playing Damon Wayans.

Speaking of cliches...Attack Force Z. A movie saved from obscurity solely because it provided early rolls to Mel Gibson and Sam Neill. Throw parallels to The Guns of Navarone (1961), The Dirty Dozen (1967) and Where Eagles Dare (1968) and you got yourself Attack Force Z; albeit an Australian knock-off of the aforementioned.

A group of Australian special forces is deployed during WWII to recover the passengers of a downed plane in Japanese occupied Dutch East Indies. There they kick the proverbial hornets nest and try to stay alive thanks to the help of an underground resistance movement.

Again, because I have seen so many war movie cliches it was hard to get into this one. I guess I have seen the dramatic self-sacrifice of a noble comrade and stealth gone awry because a twig snapped way too many times. The characters themselves aren't incredibly developed and any attempt to flesh them out feels jerky and unnatural. At one point it just gets absurd as one character stays behind to protect the love interest he had shared a room with only a few cuts ago. Granted she prevented him from being discovered but besides a common enemy they had little to really bond over.

Another major problem I had was the elongated scenes involving other languages like Japanese and Cantonese. Perhaps it was just the version I saw but with no subtitles provided, I was forced to guess what they were saying and only later confirm what was going on. Plus if I'm not mistaken, they speak Malay in Indonesia not Cantonese.
Both films ultimately were near hits for me. They were good in all the stereotypical ways and I doubt everyone less picky than me won't enjoy them.