Thoughts from the Usher Podium: Quickie Haiku Reviews V

I've been needing to play catch up for a while now.It's been a whole week since last I wrote a review. It's not for lack of trying; I've started and gave up on two reviews when I realized they were even worse than the crap I usually tinker with, give up on and toss into the interwebs. It seems no matter how hard you try to shield yourself from anxiety and adapt to change, it seems life has a way of just getting in the way.

Of course this week in movies is not without its blame when it comes to my writer's block. If a critic wanted to take a vacation, this week would have been the time to do it. Most of the wide releases out now are surprisingly forgetful and low-rent. Not only are they by-and-large not good but none of them are particularly loathsome either. If the week of April 6, 2017 to April 12, 2017 disappeared from the annuls of movie history, I doubt anyone would notice.

Thus to play catch up and attempt to get over my writer's block, I'm going to dole out some Quickie Haiku Reviews based on the most recent films I've seen. Most are fairly new releases though to escape the increasing homogenization of wide-released movies, there are a few older flicks in the mix.

Going in Style (2017)

Light and forgetful,

Geriatric generic,

Now I feel robbed gramps.

Final Grade: C-

The Case for Christ (2017)

Specious reasoning,

Never looked so good. Jesus,

Would be very proud.

Final Grade: C

Smurfs: The Lost Village (2017)

Boilerplate kid’s fare.

Pseudo-feminist stuff was,

Tacked on and tacky.

Final Grade: C-

Catalina Caper (1967)

Beach Blanket Bingo (1965),

But on a budget of suck.

Scooby-Doo should sue

Final Grade: F

Farewell, My Lovely (1975)

It’s Murder, My Sweet.

Raymond Chandler, can’t go wrong!

Still, this film can be.

 Final Grade: C

Your Name (2016)

Gorgeous and genius,

A dreaming Sci-Fi, Rom-Com.

Splendorous and fun!

 Final Grade: B+

Eegah! (1962)

A lonely caveman,

Played by a young Richard Kiel.

Mixes with twit teens.

Final Grade:  F

Gifted (2017)

Uncle and Grandma

Have a kid’s pissing contest

Not coefficient.

 Final Grade: D+

Nine Lives (2016)

Holy balls this thing!

Surprise! It's so bad, it's good,

This cat's a real blast.

Final Grade: D

The Fast Runner (2001)

Eskimo legend,

Long but so honestly told.

For the curious.

Final Grade: B-