Thoughts from the Usher Podium: 10 Movies Better Than 50 Shades of Grey

First let me make a confession; I have not seen 50 Shades of Grey (2015), nor have I read the book. I can only judge based on the reviews from professional reviewers, those in my circle of influence who actually saw it and cultural talking-heads who cry foul at its supposed rapey-ness. If I may I would like to side step the chorus of complaints with the movie and instead focus on what I know for sure: Thematically, there are elements of sado-masochism. Its an unconventional love story and it initially started as Twilight fan-fiction. So until I get a chance to see the film (which I refuse to pay money for but rest assured I will see it), this is for those who did see it and feel disappointed. This is for the people who went to see it because their base curiosity brought them to the theater and instead of being rewarded with prurient kink got mindless dreck. Here is a list of movies with similar themes and circumstances that are (probably) a whole lot better:

10. Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! (1989)
A strapping, young and certifiable Antonio Banderas plays a recent patient of a mental hospital who tracks down an ex-lover played by Victoria Abril. She's a popular porn star with no intention to settle down so when Banderas shows up unannounced and asks for her hand in marriage she refuses. Then things get weird as the title would suggest. While far from a masterful denial of misogyny, director Pedro Almodovar's eye-popping cinematography makes the movie very pretty to look at. Plus with an NC-17 you know you're in for a lot and I mean a lot of nudity.

9. Crash (1996)
No not the 2005 Best Picture winner about racism and Michael Pena's unadulterated balling. Crash is a David Cronenberg film about a sub-culture of car crash fetishists. That's right, that's a thing. Highlights include James Spader using Rosanna Arquette's vulva shaped scar which she got from an accident that claimed her leg, fetish videos of car safety tests and a recreation of the crash that killed James Dean. Messed up? Of course, but if you're watching 50 Shade of Grey for the shock value you might as well go the full car length.

8. Belle de Jour (1967)
Of course if weird sexual behavior coupled with blood and violence isn't your thing you might want to try out Luis Bunuel's classic Belle de Jour. The movie about a bored French housewife making use of her days as a prostitute has a lot to offer to the 50 Shades crowd. It has sado-masochistic flights of fancy, a beautiful lead in Catherine Deneuve and best of all a dollop of Catholic guilt. Let's face it, sado-masochism wouldn't be as interesting if not for the Roman Catholic Church.

7. The Night Porter (1974)
Of course couples dressing up as priests and nuns isn't as notoriously linked to S&M as much as Nazis. Because no one ever said you should have good taste in the bedroom. So if feeling up a swastika while your lips quiver is your thing then check out The Night Porter. It's a love story of sorts about an ex-concentration camp officer who sexually tortured a beautiful Jewish girl in WWII. Now years later he lives a secret, unassuming life until he comes across her again and they reignite their masochistic affair.

6. Tokyo Decadence (1992)
Okay thus far we've been delving into some unsavory territory as far as the psychology of sexual dysfunction. My guess is if you want to see 50 Shade of Grey you're probably not a psychology major. In Tokyo Decadence we follow an unhappy prostitute who acts out elaborate scenarios for her Johns most involving S&M and humiliation. Titillating and very aware of its target audience, Tokyo Decadence is also visually pleasant to watch, if a little crude.

5. Private Parts (1972)
Director Paul Bartel has made a name for himself exploring the sexual mores of the 70's and 80's. Following his explosively subversive short film Naughty Nurse (1969) came the equally shocking Private Parts. The movie follows a young naive girl (Ayn Ruymen) who takes refuge in her aunt's dilapidated hotel. While there she becomes fascinated with it's odd occupants including a perverted priest and a reclusive photographer. A sordid coming-of-age tale like nothing you've ever seen to be sure.

4. Basic Instinct (1992)
Ah yes, the infamous Basic Instinct. Maybe a little dated by today's standards but let's not forget how salacious the movie was when it premiered. A mix of film noir tropes, liberal amounts of nudity and yes, bondage make Basic Instinct arguably the second closest in spirit to 50 Shade of Grey. Try very hard to avoid the sequel though. Yeesh!

3. Sex, Lies and Videotape (1989)
Less of a bondage-centered love story than a psychologically perverse exploration of middle-class emptiness, Sex, Lies and Videotape, more so than most movies of the time, fostered the American Independent Cinema movement of the 1990's. It's bold, its character-driven and very sexy, yet still manages to be bittersweet. Again James Spader makes an appearance on this list which makes me wonder about his sex life.

2. Nymphomaniac Vol. 1-2 (2012-2013)
Lars von Trier's controversial pair of films center on the life and times of a self-diagnosed nymphomaniac. The less I say about it the better but let's just say there's a complex tapestry of emotions and lots of unbridled sexual exploration. Plus there's Shia LeBeouf's wang. If that's a draw for the ladies then so be it.

1. Secretary (2002)
James Spader again! This time paired with Maggie Gyllenhaal who plays a submissive secretary to a demanding lawyer. It's an unconventional love story which mirrors almost perfectly with 50 Shades of Grey only this time the characters are three-dimensional, the acting is sensational and the build-up palpable. In my humble opinion Secretary should be the breakaway success. Secretary should be the representative of S&M relationships to the public, Secretary should be seen by everyone dammit!

Jupiter Ascending

Year: 2015
Genre: Sci-Fi/Space Adventure
Director: Andy & Lana Wachowski
Stars: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Douglas Booth, Tuppence Middleton

On the one hand Jupiter Ascending is a compendium of sci-fi tropes and influences. The energy is palpable, the visuals when not jarringly all over the place make for something to watch and the acting...well they tried. On the other hand Jupiter Ascending is such a cobbled mess of a movie that the general movie watching public might just as well take a rain check. Seriously, take a hike this movie is not for you.

This movie is for royalty only.

Jupiter Ascending involves an unnecessarily complicated plot which brings to mind the worst parts of 1984's Dune. There's palace intrigue involving the house of Abrasax, a family of genocidal ancient aliens who's three siblings want ownership of planet Earth. There's a hitch in their plans however and that hitch is a singularly disinterested Mila Kunis, an Earthling and housekeeper who can't help wearing makeup to look good for the toilets she cleans. To top it off she's protected by a man-wolf named Caine (Channing Tatum) who skates around in gravity cancelling moon boots. I think that bears repeating...a man-wolf who skates around in gravity cancelling moon boots. Somewhere out there the ghost of Starlight Express is cackling maniacally.

Today the train depot...tomorrow the world!

The Wachowski siblings have a penchant for front-loading their films with many complex themes and ideas and flashes of visual flare sometimes resulting in brilliance like The Matrix (1999) and the criminally underrated Cloud Atlas (2012). More often than not however their films suffer from philosophical and visual overload a la The Matrix sequels (2003) and Speed Racer (2008). Jupiter Ascending not only falls in the later category I would agree with the consensus that this movie is probably the worst they've made.

Coming in with the proper mindset however you may find something to like if not love about Jupiter Ascending. To be sure it may be the best misfire of the 2010's. Say what you will about the Wachowski's later career but when they do something they do it big. This is movie so spectacularly over the top that you just can't help but giggle while choking on Milkduds. Lo in generations to come people may have Jupiter Ascending parties much like they do Troll 2 (1990) and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984) parties (okay there are no Boogaloo parties but dammit there should be). To the unencumbered this movie is a fevered dream; a stream of consciousness tale that shoe-horns every sci-fi trope you can think of.

Whether on accidental or on purpose, here's my haul from the sci-fi (and other) Easter egg hunt that is Jupiter Ascending (spoilers):

• The cloak and dagger stuff involving the Abrasax and the mysterious crystals has Dune (1982) written all over it.
• Many spaceships have a Romulan/Alien (1979) vibe to them.
• The completely unnecessary bureaucracy sequence is brought to you by Brazil (1985) complete with a Terry Gilliam cameo.
• The three quarreling siblings are reminiscent of Dostoevsky's "The Brothers Karamazov."
• An android has a similar name to that of one in Demolition Man (1993).
• The mining base on Jupiter is reminiscent of  Blade Runner
  
  (1982) and by extension Metropolis (1927).
• By virtue of Sean Bean being in this movie he brings to mind everything he's been in including Lord of the Rings (2001-2003) and Equilibrium (2002).
• Aliens possess mind-erasers a la Men in Black (1997).
• Genetic mutations which are mixes of various animals and humans: "The Island of Dr. Moreau"
• Tuppence Middleton climbing out of a pool all slinky-like: Beowulf (2007)
  
• Eddie Redmayne's incredibly campy performance as the villain; there are so many in mind but I think John Carradine's Billy the Kid Vs. Dracula (1966) comes closest.
• The moon boots can be linked to Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Starlight Express" but most of the time I was thinking of Napoleon Dynamite (2004).
• Dragons...no reference here I just want you to know there be talking dragons in this movie.
  
• A seemingly ordinary hero thrust into a battle of good and evil? Star Wars (1977).
• Eugenic-y vibe brought to you by Gattaca (1997).
• Caine able to survive hanging on to a spaceship in the vacuum of space while at warp speed? WALL-E (2008).
• Caine being jettisoned into space and impossibly saved at the last minute..."Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."
• Weird incestuous relationship you realize only when you think about it for a little; Star Wars again.
• Dude marrying his mother: "Oedipus Rex" anyone?
• Flash Gordon (1980)...that's all I have to say.

Now go forth! Find more Easter eggs if you dare. I will be here pausing Jupiter Ascending frame by frame to pin-point the exact moment the Wachowski siblings realized they dug themselves into the critical and financial hole too deep to get out of.

You'll find this in said hole.

Final Grade: C-

Essentials: Taxi Driver

Year: 1976
Genre: Psychological Drama
Director: Martin Scorsese
Stars: Robert De Niro, Jodie Foster, Cybill Shepherd, Peter Boyle, Albert Brooks, Harvey Keitel
Production: Columbia Pictures

Movies are meant to entertain right? The primary focus of a movie should be to distract right? If you sincerely believe that stay as far away from Taxi Driver (1976) as you possibly can. It's not that Taxi Driver is boring, far from it. It's that it doesn't sugarcoat or enthrall its audience with flashy special-effects or a twisty-turny tale. It's a movie about being; specifically a movie about being the darkest most menacing version of yourself. It's a movie that forces you to confront and battle your innermost demons and you may not like who you are by the end of it.



So tell me, have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro) is a Vietnam veteran looking for a job. After a short interview he's given the graveyard shift at a Taxi company thus exhausting the small, slim cords that tether him to the faulty structures of the human condition. He meets an underage prostitute (Jodie Foster) an aspiring Presidential Candidate (Leonard Harris), a homicidal cuckold (the director himself) among a menagerie of different characters all peeling away at his inner psyche. That is when he isn't doing that to himself in his isolated apartment.

When first watching Taxi Driver I watched it on the 14" screen of my old college TV set. I lived alone in a basement apartment next to the University and I worked nights as a University Police helper of sorts. I had no girlfriend and angry because of it. I had a handful of friends who I was "too busy for" and parents I still resented because I was still technically a teenager. I almost wept watching Taxi Driver because I felt Bickle's isolation. I automatically sympathized with the character on a most intimate level...then the third act of the film started.

A progression of events turn Bickle from a well-meaning if socially inept loner into a monster of sorts. Everything became a blur of violence and reactionary machismo. I no longer knew him. I no longer knew myself. He was a funhouse mirror of who I could possibly become. It was downright scary.

Like crazy scary...

Director Martin Scorsese eases the audience into his grimy nocturnal New York City by first showcasing the alternatives; the moral compasses of fellow cab driver Wizard (Peter Boyle) and Betsy (Cybill Shepherd) a campaign worker who Travis fancies. Wizard shows concern for Travis but every time he attempts to connect Travis bristles. Betsy is uneasy around Travis and ultimately his attempts to woe her fall embarrassingly flat, further pushing him into isolation and the hellish cityscape. His last solace is Jodie Foster, a runaway and prostitute who is being taken advantage of by her pimp Sport (Harvey Keitel). His attempt to redeem himself through her becomes the violent and ultimately selfish conclusion to his sordid tale.

Also had PTSD

There is a popular film theory that Bickle suffered from PTSD which while probably true I feel takes away from the movie's universal impact. I am a larger fan of Slavoj Zizek's analysis where he claims Taxi Driver is a loose remake of The Searchers (1956). In both a cynical anti-hero and veteran attempts to save a young woman from what he doesn't really understand. When "successful" they are unable to return to the life they had. Like a fallen angel Travis, like Ethan in The Searchers is still alone and unsatisfied.

When I think of the hatemongers of the KKK or the misogynistic voices of the "Men's Rights Movement" I think of Travis Bickle and by extension my college-aged self. All want to accomplish what they feel are worthwhile goals but do so as reactionaries. Some have been known to be borderline violent and all see through a lens of selfishness. Thankfully I grew out of that stage in my life and while I can't 100% pin that maturity on Taxi Driver I can say that Taxi Driver is an uncomfortable watch that made me a slightly better person.

Final Grade: A

Soul Plane

Year: 2004
Genre: Comedy/Gross-Out Comedy
Directed: Jessy Terrero
Stars: Kevin Hart, Snoop Dogg, Method Man, K.D. Aubert, Tom Arnold, Mo'Nique
Production: MGM

Soul Plane (2004) was one of those films recommended to me by a friend, meant entirely as a gentle ribbing at my expense. The idea is I sit through it, write a scathing review and everyone gets a good hardy-har. Yet another hour and a half of my life gone in the vain hope of watching a arbitrary aggregation of films to consider myself a true filmophile. How much longer do I have to suffer before I’m the authority on movies within my own sphere of influence? First off there is no finite aggregation that will accomplish such nebulous goals. Secondly watching Soul Plane isn’t exactly suffering. Let me explain.

Sadly not in this movie

Kevin Hart plays the part of Nashawn an aspiring entrepreneur who after a terrible flying experience decides to start his own airline. On his plane’s maiden voyage however things don’t go according to plan thanks largely to a glut of eccentric passengers and the pot smoking Captain of ceremonies Mack (Snoop Dogg). Can the newly minted N.W.A. Airline make a safe trip from Los Angeles to New York and more importantly can this crude and blatant rip-off make it into the audience’s hearts and minds.

I don’t think I’m giving much away by saying yes, by-the-skin-on-their-teeth, just barely yes to both questions. Instead of outrageous parody anchored by puns, visual gags and innuendo Soul Plane proudly wears its colors as a raunchy, dirty and stereotype filled send up to the mile-high club. Even when the jokes were as stale as a rejected In Living Color (1990-1994) skit I couldn’t help but crack a smile or two. I hate to admit it but Soul Plane should be what Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg should aim for (largely because they might actually achieve this D+ standard of excellence if only they actually tried).

Is this seriously your A Game?

What makes Soul Plane palpable to put it simply is its energy. Much like its largest influence Airplane! (1980) every joke pops out of the wormwood in fast progression so for every groaner there are just as many chuckle-worthy moments even if every chuckle is coaxed like sentimentality is forced out of an Adam Sandler movie. Additionally the movie has some actual thoughts when it comes to black culture, air travel, family and love; not always good or well-established thoughts but enough nuggets of cogency to warrant pause.

This ball has no home...Cry bitches CRY!

There is also something to be said about the established theme of entrepreneurship. Nashawn bravely and knowingly accepts the risk of owning and operating a business. A business which for four hours is responsible for the lives of a plane-full of people. In real life the decisions he makes would make him criminally negligent but in the world of Soul Plane he’s freakin’ Andrew Carnegie. It’s not quite clear why he wants to accept such responsibility (fame, money, attention) though in a near-gushy moment he admits his fears but affirms what his mother always told him, he needs to try.

My theory, he does it for the nookie.

I’ve become increasingly aware that in today’s franchise-laden movie-scape the themes of today have been boiled down to Good vs. Evil and Evil=destroy the planet. So despite its myriad of hack-job japes, lazy stereotyping and low-hanging-fruit crudity, Soul Plane manages to be, at least partially, about a man looking to be successful by starting a business, being true to his family and owning up to his mistakes. Not a bad message for a movie who un-apologetically crams a poop joke in the first five minutes.

Post-script warning: This movie co-stars Tom Arnold as the only semi-normal white perspective in the entire movie so if that isn’t you particular cup-o’-latte then don’t even bother.

Final Grade: D-

The Invention of Lying

Year: (2009)
Genre: Comedy/Satire
Directed: Ricky Gervais, Matthew Robinson
Stars: Ricky Gervais, Jennifer Garner, Louis C.K., Jonah Hill, Rob Lowe
Production: Warner Bros.

Imagine a world where no one had the ability to lie. Everyone told the truth forever and always until one day an unassuming man came up with the idea of making something not be, be. It's a concept so simple and so rich with possibilities that it's a wonder it hadn't been thought up before. With that simple concept comes a swirl of ideas ranging from how people perceive their world and their relationships to how ideas like religion and advertising came to being.

Sadly The Invention of Lying (2009) does not take advantage of its amazing premise. Instead of pushing the boundaries by dipping it in absurdity and taking deadly aim at its possible victims it only grazes the target and binds the story in a formulaic romance while trying desperately to remain realistic. Our amiable lead Ricky Gervais tries so hard to be just that, amiable. A bad move which makes me miss the misanthropic dentist of Ghost Town (2008) and the clever ascorbic standup he's famous for. Cleverly portrayed characters and smile-inducing cameos are pushed to the side to give the romance breathing room and the satire while occasionally inspired cannot overcome the clichés of the movie's second and third act.

The film starts with a down-on-his-luck writer (Gervais) who has called in a favor from a friend. He's on a date with Anna (Jennifer Garner) a woman way out of his league as said and understood by her, himself and the waiter of the restaurant. A day later Gervais is fired from his job at Lecture Films (a studio that makes documentaries of sorts) and is behind on rent. While at the bank retrieving the remainder of his cash he comes up with an idea. What if he tells the bank teller he has more in his account than he does. Thus he begins a web of lies that changes his life and spirals into a religious movement complete with him writing all the information he "knows" about "the man in the sky" on the back of pizza boxes.

Again, on paper this idea is too good to not have happened until now. Even when the movie swerves into spiritual territory where Hollywood oft-not go, it mines its high-concept with wit and insight to spare. Then we're stapled back into the perfunctory romance. Unlike most comedies where it's tacked on, here its the center of the story. A little less Life of Brian (1979) and a little more 27 Dresses (2008).

And what of the religious/spiritual undertones? Religion, the afterlife and God are, in the film, fictional but serve all-important functions that benefits the society of Invention of Lying. An afterlife gives a cold and confusing universe meaning the movie posits. While the human race has made progress in understanding the evident truths of natural laws and has made great strides in science there's still the nagging question of where we go when we die. Therefore the characters naturally seek comfort in things that require an amount of faith even if that faith is limited to whether one man is telling the truth or not.

What we really want out of life

The second all-important function of religion and the one which gets the most attention is it gives non-alphas the chance to live and possibly enter the gene pool. in other words The Invention of Lying makes a valiant effort to explore Patton Oswalt's sky-cake argument. The second "purpose" is enough to give a sane person pause. The world of Invention of Lying has a very uncomfortable eugenic-y vibe. Jonah Hill and Louis C.K. play with the notion of killing themselves and/or enter extended periods of self-loathing largely because their genes just aren't palpable to attractive women. Garner's character while goodly enough to go out with Gervais in the first place repeatedly mentions or is coaxed into believing his genes are inferior saying "I don't want fat kids with snub noses." You mean to say if we always told the truth we'd never take personality, talents/abilities or personal history into account when it comes to relationships? And if we did (which I believe we would) does that make Garner's character worth all this grief?

You're shitting me!

Evolution deniers and theological conspiracy theorists like to link Progressive/secularist/humanist/scientific thought with some kind of weird fascistic breeding-cult endgame. If evolution is a thing and religion is made up then we should naturally weed out "inferior" genes so human dominance of the natural world would continue right? Plus is not like there's some all-knowing moral guide who can stop or punish us for doing just that. Yeah, let's please all agree that notion is a disgusting and offensive thought. Yet The Invention of Lying seems to give those idiots ammo to call those on the other side of the cultural divide fascist. After all the love story in the film is ultimately reduced to a cost-benefit analysis much of which revolves around (drumroll) genetics.

And now I'll get off my soapbox and stop reading way into the motivations of this movie and of the American religious-right. Even if you get none of what I just expanded on from this movie, the fact remains that The Invention of Lying doesn't take full advantage of its premise and sadly surrenders to the conventions of romantic comedies everywhere. It pulls its punches when it comes to its most controversial bits and ultimately it feels like a flat compromise with small gleeful moments of inspiration.

Final Grade: D+

The Movie Year Book 2014

It's that time of year again and as promised I have recorded every movie I have seen last year. Every great masterpiece, every crappy waste of time, every tear, grasp and chuckle; summed up here as part of my annual superlatives article. As of now I have seen 3,542 films in my lifetime (give or take a few). This year I've seen 304 and I have 458 movies to go if I am to reach my goal of 4,000 before April 1, 2016. Is it in the bag? I think so. In celebration of last year's accomplishments here are the 2014 superlatives.

Most Likely to Succeed
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014) and Coup de Torchon (1981)

Unlike last year's 12 Years a Slave (2013) I am less confident Birdman is going to win Best Picture. That said it's still a revelatory movie about stage life and the precarious psyche of actors who give it their all. If you ever wanted to know just how crazy drama people are, take a gander at this movie then slowly back away before they notice you're in the room.

Coup de Torchon is another challenging and hard to define movie. Is it a mystery? A romance? A crime thriller? It's all of those things and more so if you have a chance to watch hands down the best movie I've seen this year, check out Coup de Torchon either at your "We-have-everything" Video Store or just buy it on Criterion.

Class Beauty
Spirit of the Beehive (1973) and Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter...and Spring (2003)

What can be said about the brilliant Spirit of the Beehive? With a minimalist story and tales swirling around its inception in Fascist Spain in the 70's, Beehive is ultimately a beautiful looking picture about a young girl coming-of-age after watching the film Frankenstein (1931). The cinematography is reminiscent of Vermeer with its warm golden tones and melancholy moments of quiet dignity.

Not to be outdone, in 2003 Spring, Summer, etc... proved that you needn't a huge budget and expensive CGI to create an otherworldly setting. Set entirely near a secluded Buddhist monastery in the Korean countryside, the changing of the seasons and the slowly listing pontoon monastery makes for quite a feast for the eyes.

Class Clowns
One, Two, Three (1961) and The Lego Movie (2014)

The Cold War has never been funnier than in Billy Wilder's cynical, laugh-a-minute farce about a Coca-Cola executive living and working in West Berlin. After a surprise visit from the CEO's naïve daughter, C.R. (James Cagney) must undo the mess she creates when she marries a hardcore Communist East Berliner. One, Two Three is downright hilarious.

But if watching a black and white farce isn't your thing, The Lego Movie was the biggest surprise this year taking the ever popular Danish toy and turning it into a high-octane adventure story. Not only that, its funnier than all of the live-action movies that came out this year.

Best Hair
American Hustle (2013) and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013)

Watching it the first week of 2014, American Hustle quickly became one of my favorites of 2013. The story can be best described as controlled chaos much like the hair in this 1970's throwback. Amy Adams sports a large crumpled mess not to be outdone by Bradley Cooper's goofy perm. Though its Christian Bale's comb over that takes the cake.

Okay, I'll agree Burt Wonderstone did not live up to its incredible premise but in a comedy market dominated by glorified improv and bromances its good to see a satire that fully embraces its silliness. Nowhere is it more silly than in the outrageous hair styles that are plopped atop of Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi and Jim Carrey's gobs. Guess when you're vying for king of the magicians you need a mane to go with it.

Best Smile
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) and The Intouchables (2011)

Leonardo DiCaprio's Jordan Belfort is a devious dog placed in the greedy pits of the stock trading world. There he thrives in what can be best described as Goodfellas (1990) for nerds and douches. While I take exception to Wolf of Wall Street's numerous fans who celebrate consumption and greed over what the movie is really about, there's no denying Belfort has a mouth of pearly whites that can swipe anyone's retirement fund.

Of course if you're not into drug-induced incredulousness there's the warm-and-fuzzy crowd pleaser that is The Intouchables. Based on a true story, the odd-couple comedy takes a French quadriplegic aristocrat with ennui and pairs him with a black hoodlum from the other side of the tracks as his caretaker. While a little too heart-tugging at times, the sensitive portrayal of the two contrary leads makes it work.

Best Dressed
The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) and The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (1989)

Wes Anderson's work was leading up to this year's Grand Budapest Hotel. The perfect balance between his storybook visuals and sophisticated sensibilities, Grand Budapest is cloaked in bright colors and a stylish wardrobe. What results is a movie that resembles a moving, functioning painting.

Though while Wes Anderson has only recently mastered his craft, Peter Greenaway has been using similar techniques with much more emotional resonance for years. Take his controversial NC-17 classic The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover. While it certainly deserves its NC-17 rating for some truly shocking moments, the beauty and elegance that surrounds this picture is no less than stunning. If you have a chance to watch it you absolutely must.

Most Creative
F for Fake (1973) and The Zero Theorem (2013)

Orson Welles's Finnegan's Wake is the best way to describe his dizzying essay film about fakes and forgeries. Using state-of-the-art editing techniques, a non-linear progression of events and a cavalcade of infamous rascals from art and literature, F for Fake is certainly a create romp into the mind of one of the best American directors ever.

Of course when it comes to pure brash vision, no one quite matches up against Terry Gilliam. A Maverick to the very end, his latest feature film was a box-office and critical bomb but nonetheless proved that the director still has a lot to say about our society and culture.

Cutest Couple
Brokeback Mountain (2005) and You Only Live Once (1937)

After years of dragging my feet I finally sat back and watched Brokeback Mountain. Under Ang Lee's direction and Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal's masterful performances, Brokeback Mountain is one of the best bittersweet romances to ever be put on screen.

Natural Born Killers (1994), Badlands (1973), Bonnie and Clyde (1967), Gun Crazy (1950); meet the movie that started it all. You Only Live Once brought the trope of a criminal couple running from the law onto the big screen. In this case the couple are played by Henry Fonda and Sylvia Sidney and instead of making veiled criticisms on the media like some of the other movies listed, You Only Live Once concentrates on the inequalities and discrimination within American society as a motive for crime. Ultimately its the doomed romance that makes this movie memorable and therefore worth a watch.

Most Athletic
Bad Day to Go Fishing (2009) Lagaan: Once Upon a Time in India (2001)

I didn't watch too many sports movies this year so this year for the win are two movies that take two uncommonly used sports for the screen and tells some deeply human tales. Bad Day to Go Fishing is about a washed up wrestler and strong man from Berlin who is dragged to South America on a publicity tour by his scurrilous manager. The manager sets up fake fights for exhibition until the inhabitance of Santa Maria grow wise and force a real fight between the strongman and a viral fisherman.

Lagaan on the other hand is about a small village in Victorian India who pin their fates on a cricket match between them and their British occupiers. If they win, there will be no tax or lagaan on their goods for three years. An excellent Bollywood film from start to finish you should watch it for no other reason then to learn how to play cricket.

Biggest Nerds
A Brief History of Time (1991) and Interstellar (2014)

While this year brought The Theory of Everything (2014) to the big screen, it was Errol Morris's A Brief History of Time that I felt better presented Stephen Hawking's contribution to our understanding of the universe. Based on Hawking's book of the same name, A Brief History of Time may be a little dry for some but if you're a fan of astrophysics, the creation of the universe and/or the impertinent genius of our time you should really give this doc a gander.

But Theory of Everything wasn't the only 2014 movie about astrophysics. Interstellar (2014) was a welcomed mind-bending treat during the late summer weeks and proved once again that director Christopher Nolan can make intelligent blockbusters for mainstream audiences.

Most Talkative
Marat/Sade (1967) and Murder on the Orient Express (1974)

Marat/Sade was at times a bit beyond me. Its a movie about the making of a play about a historical event, the murder of Jean-Paul Marat as told by the Marquis de Sade. In it, political realities force the Marquis to make cuts and those in the insane asylum (where everything takes place) start to take liberties with recent history. A Lot of big ideas abound in this movie especially when you consider it was made in 1967.

While Marat/Sade made for interesting drama about big ideas, Murder on the Orient Express made for a small, simple story made from a simple case of murder. It was also interminably boring wasting the talents of Albert Finney, Lauren Bacall, Ingrid Bergman, Sean Connery, John Gielgud, Anthony Perkins, Martin Balsam, Vanessa Redgrave and Michael York for a script chalked full of talk, talk, talk.

Most Unnecessary Destruction of Public Property
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) and Cutthroat Island (1995)

I didn't get the chance to witness Transformers 4 (2014) in all its glory (because three is my limit) yet Michael Bay still found a way to waste my time with his production of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a reboot that makes the 2007 version look like an instant classic. And what makes a Michael Bay production complete? A boat load of unnecessary explosions that's what!

If only people wised up to Michael Bay as they did with Renny Harlin in 1995. Cutthroat Island was box office poison but boy was it an embarrassing spectacle. This movie can be directly blamed for effectively ending the careers of Geena Davis and Matthew Modine and crippling the career of Frank Langella. As for director Renny Harlin? He's still working but nowhere near the budget level of Cutthroat Island.

Most Likely to Be Compared to One Another
The Hundred-Foot Journey (2014) and Million Dollar Arm (2014)

This year was a big year for Indians in Hollywood. If by big year you mean being relegated to supporting roles in their own stories. Take Hundred-Foot Journey a movie about an Indian family that moves to rural France to start a restaurant to the ire of a local chef. While primarily focusing on a member of the family becoming a famous chef, it was Helen Mirren who got top billing for this saccharine flick.

Not to be outdone, Jon Hamm got top billing for a movie about two Indians who are recruited to play professional baseball stateside. So essentially two films that could have been about main characters given a chance to prove their mettle ended up being about two white people who get over their xenophobia. Good job Hollywood.

Biggest Weeper
The Fault in Our Stars (2014) and Make Way for Tomorrow (1937)

As a now much embattled defender of The Fault in Our Stars I'm starting to hate the fact that this film is despised by so many. Especially since so many in my circle of influence have never actually seen the damn thing. Overall it's not perfect and many compare it favorably to Love Story (1970) which means it'll probably be forgotten in about five years. Still as an emotional experience I just can't argue with my tear ducts.

Make Way for Tomorrow is a little less of a constant cry-fest. It crescendos at the end with arguably the most bittersweet moment ever put on film. Orson Welles once said that Make Way for Tomorrow would make a stone cry and I tend to agree. Check it out on Criterion then hug your parent/s.

Most Just Plain Wrong
House (1977) and Tusk (2014)

What...What...why? What the hell is going on? That was my continual reaction throughout the Japanese import House. A group of school girls meet up to take a holiday at one of their aunt's house. What starts as a live action anime comedy complete with punchy character title sequences ends as a gory, psychedelic haunted house movie. Downright the weirdest movie I've seen.

Though I suppose this year's winner at the cinema was the once great Kevin Smith and his latest dud Tusk. Even with such an outlandish premise, Smith failed to entertain or frighten though the end result of Justin Long's transformation is still a sight to behold. Not to mention just plain wrong.

Most Likely to Cause an International Incident
The Interview (2014) and Viridiana (1967)

Okay so this category was made up simply to put The Interview at the head of the pack. While very underwhelming when you consider the hype, the movie did end up renewing sanctions on North Korea and it's bat-s**t-crazy dictator. And because of the hacker fall-out we all know what's going to become of Not-So-Amazing Spider-Man.

For our second choice there's the infamous Luis Bunuel film Viridiana which not only pissed off the Franco regime in Spain but was admonished by the Pope and banned in several countries.  What's so bad about the film? Nothing much really, there's some implied incest and a lot of calling out hypocrisies in the Catholic Church; not much different than most Bunuel films.
 I honestly don't know what Franco was expecting.

Biggest Drama Queen/King
Frances Ha (2011) and Giant (1956)

Frances Ha stole my heart this year with one of the most realistic and emotional depiction of mid-twenties malaise. Starring Greta Gerwig as the title character, the movie is assured by its confident director Noah Baumbach and its simple yet true story. It spoke so much to me in fact that I would peg it as one of my favorite coming-of-age films of all time. Anyone who is, has ever, or will ever be in their twenties should see this film.

Giant as the distinction of packing in more drama into a solid three hour movie than anything since Gone with the Wind (1939). Strikingly beautiful and capturing ever range of emotion, is it any wonder Giant is the State movie of Texas? Ironic since the lead Rock Hudson was gay adding yet another level of drama.

Most Needing of a Remake
Road House (1989) and Bad Day at Black Rock (1955)

Red Dawn (1984) has been brought back from the dead. Footloose (1984) has been pilfered by the new nostalgia driven Hollywood machine, heck even Robocop (1987) was necromaced. Yet out of all of the 80's let's-call-them-classics the one most deserving of a remake should be Patrick Swayze's Roadhouse. Dwayne Johnson can play the infamous Dalton while Kevin Costner plays the small town mucky-muck blowing up General Stores. Nina Dobrev can play the obligatory T&A and who do we have to play Wade Garrett? Mickey Rourke of course.

I for one would love to see some indie director sink his teeth into and modernize Bad Day at Black Rock. It's a simple set up, a one-armed stranger walks into a small desert town and immediately raises the suspicions of all who cross his path. As he starts to notice everyone acting peculiar, he investigates to see what really happened at Black Rock. Robert Downey Jr. can play the mystery man (though maybe instead of losing an arm he can just have burns on his back Fury style). The townfolk can range from character actors like Chris Ellis and Margo Martindale to Billy Bob Thornton and Robert Duvall.