What the F*** is Wrong with Japanese Movies?

Ten days late and a few dollars short, I finally managed to get to the halfway point of my movie watching journey. On more than a couple of occasions now I have debated giving up on the list and going back to my regular watching schedule. But just like the time I took a vow of silence for a week, I am simply too stubborn to submit, even though all of this was my idea.

Fun Fact: Monkeys throw poo

There are a couple of films I watched a while ago that I haven't yet mentioned. Those films are Bronson (2008), Animals (2008), When Good Ghouls Go Bad (2001), Centurion (2010) and Pirates! Band of Misfits (2012). I won't spend too much time on them since they don't exactly go with the theme of this entry. I will say that Pirates! Band of Misfits is by far my favorite of the five. I watched the midnight premiere with my girlfriend and besides us there was only one person present. It kind of makes me question the wisdom of having a midnight premiere for a movie geared towards kids with a 10pm curfew.

The film was good for a family film; I try to avoid monikers like "kids films" because I personally find it insulting. Kids film is essentially code for: parents will hate this and children will learn nothing from this. Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010) is a kids film. Hop (2011) is a kids film. When Good Ghouls Go Bad is a kids film; Pirates! is a family film accessible to all, if a little too silly for its own good.

Now, on to the main event. I sat down and watched two movies both recommended to me by an acquaintance I used to work with. My first encounters with him involved long, mostly one way conversations about Anime porn. Needless to say he was slightly off-putting at first. That being said he recommended quite a few movies I added to the list, most of which are Japanese or Korean. I accepted them largely because I am not well acquainted with Asian cinema...that and he assured me they weren't porn. Yo-Yo Girl Cop (2006) does have a softcore parody of it out there somewhere, because, why the hell not? The movie's lesbian undertones and ridiculously rendered action sequences are ripe for parody but I'm getting ahead of myself.

You're just never going to make this look cool so why try?

 Yo-Yo Girl Cop starts with the incarceration and attempted escape of a juvenile delinquent (Aya Matsuura) deported from America. A mysterious group known simply as "K" believe she has the necessary skills and motivations to infiltrate a terrorist cell within a local high school. Do they train her? No. Do they give her a gun to protect herself? No. Do they give her information on possible suspects? No. They do give her a sexy school girl outfit and a yo-yo...so there's that.

For as ludicrous a title as Yo-Yo Girl Cop you'd think that it'd at least live up to its premise. There is a girl and she is a cop of sorts but the yo-yo is largely absent until the inevitable final showdown. The first time she brings it out she hits herself in the face which made me convulse in laughter. In fact, the film's only saving grace is the inclusion of so many sporadically and unintentionally funny moments. Characters get thrown around like rag dolls by semi-decent martial arts while bombs explode with all the might of Microsoft Movie Maker. In one spectacularly perfect slapstick moment, the main character outright face-plants into a pile of gravel and rubble leaving me and the friend I saw it with to laugh until we couldn't breathe.

Not to mention every make-up shop in Tokyo

On the flip-side Tokyo Gore Police (2008) was not funny in the least. Not even unintentionally. It was however, incredibly gross. Knowing the title won't prepare you for the sheer amount of fake severed limbs and blood that squirt and drench everything within a twenty foot radius. Somewhere in Japan there is a Kool-Aid factory that's missing more than a few shipments.

aka the Party Bus!!!

In fairness to such a film, I'm not a big fan of blood, guts and gore in films. At least not gratuitous amounts of it. I say this so you know where I'm coming from. But in addition to being languished in violence, the film is also just plain stupid. The characters are stupid, the plot is stupid and the concept; about a mutant hunter becoming the hunted, is also just stupid. You may be a big time fan of retched horror like this so therefore you aren't swayed by whatever petty insults I can lob at this bomb. Just keep in mind that if you decide to watch it, and despite its crudeness you enjoy it, you may need to seek psychiatric help. That or start taking the short bus to school.