The Many Degrees of Dennis Quaid

And hovercraft too!

It has been two weeks since my last post and since that time I have not watched a single film I have not already seen. The reason for this is certainly not the fact that so many movies of my list of 100 are hard to come by and it is most definitely not the fact that Blockbuster.com is completely in competent. No, I have been working on a story that will tear the movie making industry asunder. A story so elaborate that I had to criss-cross the country to find all the answers I was looking for. The results of my plane, bus and snowmobile riding will cost me fans due to their heads exploding but in the pursuit of journalistic excellence I must tell the truth. I recommend that if you’re of a weak heart you go back to your Facebook page.

My investigation started when I sat down and re-watched the western classic Wyatt Earp (1994). Legs crossed on the barcalounger I noticed that the characters Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp played by Dennis Quaid and Kevin Costner respectfully, were always shot at eye level with one facing the other. This of course was when they were in the same frame which happened surprisingly rarely. More often than not however, the director cut back and forth between the two men and in one scene when Dennis Quaid’s back is turned towards the bar he appears a foot shorter than before. This seemed puzzling since both men are six feet tall. Then it hit me; that wasn’t Dennis Quaid at all but a poorly realized body double. The it hit me again, he could have just been slouching. Then it hit me a third time; nay it couldn’t have been Dennis Quaid because Quaid and Costner are the same person!

Also the Olsen twins are actually clones

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Of course, how have I not seen this before!” But lest you be one of those people who require evidence from as reputable a source as the internet, let me put some fresh gunpowder in your mindsplosion. First just look at these guys:

 

Dennis Quaid in Kevin Costner make-up

Both look like your average Anglo-American, Suburban driving, fatherly, baseball coach types with effortless sandy brown hair and blue sunk-in eyes. Both have similar lone cowboy acting styles and both have publicly stated they won’t do sequels. Coincidence? Perhaps, but this is only observational evidence.

Apart from Wyatt Earp, Costner and Quaid have never been in the same movie ever. Its been known to happen of course but since both of their acting careers started in the 1980’s you’d think they’d at least bump into each other. When the cast of Wyatt Earp hit the talk show circuit, neither Costner or Quaid were ever seen in the same place at the same time. During the premiere in Hollywood, Costner suddenly felt sick and couldn’t make it. Coincidence? Complete balderdash? Perhaps, but read on.

Now director of Wyatt Earp, Lawrence Kasdan has used split screen technique in the past in the film I Love You To Death (1990) starring Kevin Kline. And while the records and finances of both films are privately owned by Kasdan’s production company, I was able to break into their HQ in Pasadena, CA and find receipts for among other things, a split screen camera. The same type used in Back to the Future (1985) and The Nutty Professor (1996) so Michael J. Fox and Eddie Murphy could play a multitude of characters seemingly at once. Why would they need that in a western?

Lawrence Kasdan was not available for comment but his agent released this official statement.

Talk to the hand bitch

“Dear Mr. Krause,
Please stop bothering my client with this story or we will be forced to put a restraining order against you.”
-Hank Louberry

It is obvious they’re hiding something. I then came in contact with a person who prefers to stay anonymous. They claimed to be on set of A Perfect World (1993) a film starring Kevin Costner that was shot around the same time as Wyatt Earp. My source claimed to have walked in on the Waterworld (1995) star as he was applying makeup in his trailer. Enraged by the walk-in, Costner swung his squash racket wildly covering his face as he did so. The anonymous source was confused since Costner had just ended shooting for the night and would not be called to the set for the next two days. Could it have been he was on his way to the Paramount lot to film Flesh and Bone (1993) a Dennis Quaid vehicle? Perhaps.

So top secret its scary

The most damning evidence however came a couple of days later. I was asked by an anonymous source to meet him at his ranch in Montana and make sure I wasn’t followed. I made my way up the I-15 until I reached Montana and drove until I could no longer get phone reception. Dark and raining I hiked the rest of the way to an isolated cabin hidden away from the prying eyes of civilization. Betwixt rolling hills and high grass the cabin itself was in shambles. I walked under the awning to get out of the rain, my footsteps alerting whoever might be inside.

“Come in,” they said. “Come in quick.” I opened the creaky door and walked into the dark single room cabin. Looking around for a light switch , I stumbled on a pile of newspapers. I looked up I saw a dimly lit cigarette burning a hole through the night. The silhouette of a man wrapped around a chair became visible. As he turned on the light beside him I saw for the first time who he was.

Randy Quaid was a character actor back in the day featured in roles as varied as a Navy ensign in the film The Last Detail (1973), to an alien abductee who saves the world in Independence Day (1996). You may know him best as cousin Eddie from the National Lampoon’s Vacation series. At this point in his career, Quaid has not had a decent role in four years, a lifetime in an actor’s world.

Randy Quaid in no make-up

After the perfunctory banalities of getting to know each other, Randy let me in on a few secrets. “Dennis Quaid is my brother and Kevin Costner is a character he plays,” he said. When Randy had left to Hollywood, his younger came with him but being a shy and boring actor according to some, Dennis was only able to get very minor roles. In 1980, that all changed. “That summer, Dennis was shooting a film with Ringo Starr called Caveman (1981). He was a big Beatles fan and Dennis wanted to be very close to his childhood hero…Because he couldn’t handle the butt load of drugs they were doin’ on set, Dennis had a

A cause of so much heartbreak

bit of a mental break…” said a caustic Randy. Randy claimed that due to a drug induced haze while listening to Sgt. Pepper, he came up with an idea of the Kevin Costner character.

“The man would be everything Dennis wasn’t,” said Randy. “He would have the intense directorial eye of John Ford with the screen presence of Sylvester Stallone…he thought this would prove he was a good enough actor.” Indeed for years, Kevin Costner surged up the ranks of the Hollywood elite to become one of the most successful Actor/Directors of his day, now famous for such classics as Dances with Wolves (1990), The Untouchables (1987) and Field of Dreams (1989). Dennis Quaid on the other hand, had marginal success

A case of split personality

at this time, with films like Dreamscape (1984), Innerspace (1987) and Postcards From the Edge (1990).

“It seemed for a while Costner was on top,” continued Randy. “Dennis lost himself in that role and was eclipsed by the bastard.” Randy claims he saw the Costner character turn ugly. When confronted, Dennis claimed to be worried for his life and further claimed Costner was trying to kill Quaid with copious amounts of alcohol and drugs. Quaid went on a three year hiatus from films from 1990-1993 at which point Randy didn’t speak to his brother. “He just wasn’t him anymore, he was Costner.”

Then came Costner’s first blunder as a Hollywood A-Lister; the Whitney Houston vehicle The Bodyguard

We're gonna need a bigger boat

(1992). The film’s critical and financial failure unraveled Costner’s fragile psyche allowing Quaid to come out. “His first few movies were okay but he managed to get his foot in the door. Then Wyatt Earp came along. Wyatt Earp was high noon for them.” While the dailies painted a picture of professionalism between the two, Randy claims the realities were far from that. “Dennis had hoped Larry [Kasdan] would put them in a film together so they could duke it out.” said Randy. “And they did. It was all very hush-hush.”

After the success of Wyatt Earp, Dennis Quaid went on to do bigger and better things while Kevin Costner continued to downward spiral. Following the double failure of Waterworld and The Postman (1997), “…Dennis was in touch with his faculties again…So long as Costner keeps making crappy movies, my brother will continue to have a normal career.”


I left that cabin with many unanswered questions. How were so many documents falsified? Who helped Costner in his quest to take over Quaid’s psyche? Will Costner take revenge after the looming success of Man of Steel (2013)? Answers to those questions may come in time as the truth will always set you free.

The end of Dennis Quaid?