Assassin's Creed

Year: 2016

Genre: Action

Directed: Justin Kurzel

Stars: Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Brendan Gleeson, Charlotte Rampling, Michael Kenneth Williams, Denis Menochet, Ariane Labed, Khalid Abdalia, Essie Davis, Callum Turner

Production: Regency Film

I risk very little in saying there has not been an outright good movie adaptation of a videogame, like ever. Sure the Resident Evil (2002-Present) series does have its fair share of zombie obsessed sycophants and Super Mario Bros. (1993) does have an unintentional charm to it, but let’s face it, everything from this year’s Warcraft (2016) to Mortal Kombat (1994) have been an outright duds.

For real though...

But if ever there was an IP best suited for the cinematic treatment it’d be Assassin’s Creed. Not only does the superficial sword-and-sandal aspect of the series lend itself to some pretty satisfying action sequences, but the story was, at times, interesting enough to not always press “skip” every time you reached a pause in gameplay. The story in this case concerns Cal (Fassbender), a violent death row inmate and last of a long line of Assassins – a shadowy group who unbeknownst to him are charged with hiding the film’s magical maguffin. In order to retrieve it, Cal is recruited by the Templars (another shadowy organization) and is subjected to a mechanical arm called the Animus, which artificially recreates the memories of his ancestor Aguilar. We then criss-cross between modern times and inquisition era Spain where we’re immersed in enough medieval cloak and dagger intrigue to fill the pages of a mediocre Dan Brown novel.

Or at least we could have been, if this clumsy little movie had enough sense to leave us where all the action is. Unfortunately most of the movie is spent inside the Templar's lab/prison complex where Cal trades asinine barbs with nameless would-be allies and hammers out his daddy issues with the Templar’s high minded lady scientist, Sofia (Cotillard). These scenes are so painfully stilted with the stale air of pretension, that I’m amazed audiences didn’t choke on the fumes. Sci-fi jargon is strained unceremoniously through the film's obnoxious editing process while philosophical and theological terms are thrown around with the showy pomposity of a d**k measuring contest. All of this, of course, is to serve a un-disputably silly conspiracy plot that no doubt has a sub-section on Reddit with die hard fans debating its merits.

The hell are they smoking down there?!

But fine - If we're going to be silly let's be f***ing silly! There are no rules suggesting historical fiction can't involve parkour flipping ninjas foiling the plans of Torquemada whilst juggling knifes like a traveling carnival act. Unfortunately for audience members, Assassin's Creed wants you to take the whole thing as serious as a stroke. It sticks us with a faux-exotic second-rate soundtrack, dampens the sci-fi scenes with superficial pop-philosophy and sticks enough smoke and grime into the medieval scenes to fill a pit smoker. All the while, Michael Fassbender is trying so hard to sell the role that I was concerned his fits of rage would give him an embolism.

Every other side character in this film looks about as bored as a kid brother watching their older sibling play the actual game. That's impressive when you consider that Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Charlotte Rampling, Michael Kenneth Williams and Brendan Gleeson have enough awards and award nominations between them to start a gold mine. Only actress Ariane Labed looks like she's trying, playing a fellow assassin whose scenes were cut to the point where we don't even know her name.

With all that said, Assassin's Creed is not Mortal Kombat; It's not House of the Dead (2003), it's not Doom (2005) and it's definitely not Alone in the Dark (2005). I suppose if you come in with bargain bin barrel expectations you can still have a good time. But for those who were expecting Assassin's Creed to be the movie that finally proves video games can be good movies, I'm afraid you'll have to wait a little longer in the dark before serving the light.

Final Grade: F