Satan's Cheerleader

Year: 1977
Genre: Horror Comedy
Directed: Greydon Clark
Stars: John Ireland, Yvonne De Carlo, Jack Kruschen, Jacqueline Cole, Kerry Sherman, Hillary Horan, Alisa Powell, Sherry Marks, John Carradine, Sydney Chaplin
Production: World Amusements

I went to a music festival this weekend. Amid the tents advertising beef jerky and deep fried Oreos I came across one selling movie poster reproductions and memorabilia. Naturally I investigated and found a pretty incendiary and suggestive poster for the Drive-In horror film Satan's Cheerleaders starring John Carradine and John Ireland. I didn't buy the poster but I thought to myself "I need to watch this film, it looks awful." I did...and it wasn't exactly what I expected.

Stand behind me ladies, we're in the presence of men!

The movie begins with a foursome of mischievous high school cheerleaders (Sherman, Horan, Powell, Marks) practicing and having fun at the beach. They are supervised by jejune cheerleading coach Ms. Johnson who is about as passive about their libertine mores as a Leave it to Beaver (1957-1963) supporting character. The squad and Ms. Johnson attract the attention of Billy the Janitor (Kruschen) a nefarious elder with an ax to grind. He picks them up on the road and they become victims to a Satanist cult that require a virgin sacrifice for their black mass. The leaders of the cult include local Sheriff (Ireland), his wife (De Carlo) and a naive monk (Chaplin).

Have you been told the great news by our savior Satan?

If this film was directed by Eli Roth or Rob Zombie, the film would be brimming with buckets of blood and gore. There would be dramatic closeups to each cheerleader's crying faces as they are unceremoniously ripped apart by chainsaws and crooked daggers. Yet Satan's Cheerleaders plays more like a remake of Beach Blanket Bingo (1965) only with satanic rituals and nudity peppered in for kicks. There's a cartoony lack of seriousness that permeates everything in this film. The cheerleaders regurgitate asinine dialogue while occasionally landing a quick quip too slight to coax laughter while adults pretend to be shocked by their attitudes. We get the obligatory group shower scene and a climax at the foot of a Satanic altar; but no blood, not a drop.

Get with the program old people!

While the cheerleaders goof-off, John Ireland and Yvonne De Carlo seem to have dropped in from another movie. They approach their work with the same commitment as any Mario Bava regular player thus they're easily the best and worst thing about this film depending on your perspective. They simply take themselves too seriously and the movie's simple but bouncy story is drained because of it. The stars of John Carradine and Sydney Chaplin were also on the wane but their performances thankfully were in perfect synchronicity with the movie's corny tone.

By title alone, this movie is meant to appeal to a certain type of late-night horror aficionado. The type that loves the work of Dario Argento and laughs heartily at movies like Grizzly (1976) Motel Hell (1980). But even with its previously mentioned nudity and old versus young subtext, the movie is simply not good enough for even the most ardent drive-in nostalgia bound fans. It's plotted poorly, has a tame, even cheesy sense of humor and a total lack of the carnage horror devotees would admire. Honestly the best thing about this movie hands down is the poster design.

Final Grade: F