Zoolander 2

Year: 2016
Genre: Comedy
Directed: Ben Stiller
Stars: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Penelope Cruz, Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, Kiefer Sutherland, Cyrus Arnold
Production: Red Hour Films

Welp, it's official, Ben Stiller has officially turned from a talented comedic star to a conceited Hollywood celebrity who doesn't quite yet know his star just took a big, big hit. I highly doubt that amid the cast, crew and close friends a single person told Stiller this movie was going to crash and burn. If someone had told him I like to think he'd spiral into a vainglorious rant worthy of an Access Hollywood "Watch This" segment. Alas instead of that we have this very, very, very bad movie.

Zoolander 2 sees the male modelling legend Derek Zoolander (Stiller) team up once more with Hansel (Wilson) to retake the fashion world by storm after a fifteen year absence. They stumble into a plot to assassinate numerous pop stars who guard an ancient secret from an unseen sinister force. Interpol agent and former swimsuit model Valentina (Cruz) struggles to uncover who is behind these assassinations and teams up with the dense duo who still struggle to remain relevant among a new generation of models, fashion designers and forgers of popular culture. Also in the mix is Zoolander's son (Arnold) who was taken away years ago due to his complete inability to be a functional father (let alone human being).

Paris not actually featured in Zoolander 2...Sadly Neil DeGrasse Tyson is!

I literally have no accurate or operative way to describe how bad this movie is. No adjectives will do, no comparisons can be made and no amount of vitriol will help tend the psychological wounds I suffered while watching this film. For the first time in my life, I am dumbfounded; stumped by a movie so bad I...I just can't even.

I lieu of a traditional review I give a solemn warning: do not watch Zoolander 2. There are plenty of worthwhile things you could be doing with your time. Within the same time frame you could write a letter to your Congressman about that pesky pothole down the street. You could spend the afternoon volunteering at a soup kitchen. Maybe you can have a dentist check out that thing you got around your incisors or you and a friend could dare each other to run across your neighbor's yard before their Caucasian Shepherd Dog catches you and makes a meal out of your thighs. All of these things would be more rewarding pursuits than sitting in a darkened room and staring at Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson mugging for the camera for 102 minutes.

Seriously Neil why?!

That about covers it. Oh one more thing, there are approximately thirty cameos in this film, which amounts to about one every 3.5 minutes. That isn't math I did post-movie, I figured it out before the credits rolled. I suppose that's my consolation for watching this movie, I finally came to understand the joy of long division; that and the limits of Neil DeGrasse Tyson's intellect.

Final Grade: F