Not Succumbing to Old Habits

So in case it wasn't obvious from the last post I was vehemently pumped by the prospect of hosting a mic. Naturally, given my high-strung nature I took something good and started ruining it via the various tracks my mind can go in and the actions that I impulsively take.

Immediately after finding out the news that'd I'd be taking over 2 regular mics a week, I recruited 2 co-hosts and immediately started bombarding them with ideas, creating a work-flow, administering various duties and responsibilities, coming up with strategies on how to work out problems, theories on establishing a positive working environment, figuring out the logistics of our supplies...

Yeah, I'm hard to work with. I know I'm hard to work with because not only do I want to fastidiously plan for every single contingency, but I lack the basic social skills to finesse my various stratagems. Also I'm persistent, impulsive and easily get overwhelmed by my own machinations.

My co-hosts have been very patient with me thank God and haven't yet tied me to the back of a garbage barge and left me to the seagulls. Thankfully I realized in time that I was overwhelming literally everyone I came in contact with over the last few days and took a big step back. I know we all want the same things, my friends and I - we want to be successful and happy. But we all have different ways of achieving those ends and diversity of thought is always a good thing. More than anything I want to make sure they feel their input is being heard. Thus far the input I got was "shut the f**k up about the stupid mic." So I did for their sake and mine.

So I narrowly avoided one bad pattern of behavior that's gotten me into trouble in the past. Go me! That of course didn't stop me from indulging in other self-destructive behaviors. I asked out...a friend...again. Of course she said no - we're friends! Good friends that would make terrible bedfellows because we have too much in common. I knew this going in! Why did I do this? Because my ego was at an all-time high and on a subconscious level I needed to let some air out. So I did - I was disproportionately devastated and now I worry I may have jeopardized a rewarding personal and professional relationship.

In all likelihood I didn't, and I'm once again projecting and catastophizing for no reason. What's helped in not flinging me off the deep end is the fact that I stopped drinking. Man, saying that makes me sound like so much more of a badass than I really am. Like "I only stopped drinking only after I pile-drived into a flaming ping-pong table while doing Jager shots on the quad bruh." No I stopped because I'm boring and I've become a lot more comfortable with that fact.

Has the lack of drinking made me happier? No, but it is keeping me more attuned with my feelings; which in-turn provides more chances to put everything into perspective. Promise I'll go back to social drinking when I've figured my s**t out. For now, let me stare into the maw of undiluted clarity and truly soak in the confusion.