Thinking it Through: A Thought Experiment

I'm depressed. Like, in the throes of despair - physical discomfort - egregiously affected depressive state. It's happening right the f**k now and I have never figured out a way around it except to just ride it out. This time for the sake of experimentation and distraction, I'm going to "type" my way through it.

Okay so what happened last night and this morning to get me here. Well, let's start much like any conversation, with the weather. I finished up hosting responsibilities early (because the Sunday mic is usually dead) then got a ride with Guy Casey to another mic Shirley was guest hosting. Whenever there's a low pressure system in the air - it was set to rain at around 3am, I get bad migraines. So there's that.

Loneliest feeling in the world...

Secondly, I showed up to Shirley's mic to find it was very lively and well attended compared to mine. It was so well attended in fact that several of the comedians I know get work regularly, were in attendance. I put my name in the hat as it were and bombed...as expected.

Thirdly, my co-host, Girl Casey, who didn't show up to the Sunday mic was at Shirley's mic which was upsetting. I played it off that I wasn't upset as I left Sunday pretty open ended a la "Do what you want, just tell me when you're going to be there." Still, to me this whole situation is reminiscent of something a friend told me about a roommate once. The roommate had a bad habit of leaving dishes in the sink and my friend called him out on it.

"From now on, can you please clean the dishes you use so we have clean dishes when it's our turn to eat."
"Wouldn't it make more sense you cleaned the dish you're about to use then just leave it in the sink?"

Technically the same amount of work is being done but one perspective is obviously proactive and the second is...well selfish and gross. That's essentially how I felt about Casey's behavior.

I'll probably tell her when I have a good opening - she's acts incredibly combative for no good reason.

Finally there was the after session. Guy Casey, Girl Casey...a third Casey, Shirley and myself hung out outside of Shirley's mic afterward and had a pow-wow just shooting the s**t. I was tired, in mid-migraine and honestly a little peeved at half the circle. Then Shirley sprung the notion of a roadtrip to a comedy showcase where agents are said to be present. Everyone wanted to be in on the possibility. Even Guy Casey - customarily very cautious and risk avoidant thought it was worth the 10 hour drive across four state lines. I took one look at my calendar and said "Nope. Can't do it." Everyone looked at me like I had two heads.

Fear certainly is a motivator in this case though not a prime motivator, I don't think. The prime motivator was looking forward to a short week long break from comedy and work. I will be taking a trip out of town, by myself, to a place where no one knows me. I'm going bike riding, picnicking and reading and my phone will be off until the first Friday in September. Nothing will distract me from my me time; not even the possibility of getting represented. Plus, I read once in "Kill'em and Leave" the James Brown biography that when Brown booked something, he kept that booking, even if another venue offered him more money for the same time slot. The hardest working man in showbiz made it a point to try to keep all the promises he made risking pneumonia at one point. In that same vein, I want to keep every promise I possibly can as well, even the promises I make to myself.

Yup, this is probably more true...

Perhaps fear is the prime motivator. I like to think that I stand on principle even when that principle ends up shooting me in the foot. For all I know, the talent emitted by our small, uneasy cadre is already too bright to keep us together for long. Am I the weakest link in the chain? Is that really my fear? Or am I more fearful that the principles I've chosen to live by - reliability, honesty, empathy, loyalty, ritual and work ethic are not the kinds of principles that maximizes comedic potential?

All that is bouncing around in my head making me feel worse about myself. That and the guilt of comparing myself to others despite expressing outwardly that comparison in the thief of joy. And boy it is a sneaky thief! I wish I could feel something as placid as envy towards my colleagues like, Hugh often expresses. But no, I can't feel any jealousy towards people I truly find talented and joyous. No all my anger and resentment is pointed inward - I hate myself for not being better at this than I currently am. I hate that I leave so little of an impression that people cease to remember my name despite my work ethic.

I've always said, I'm not looking to be famous; I'm not even looking to make a living doing standup - I just want to spread joy as much as I possibly can. Whatever that looks like is up to the fates.

Okay what kind of good happened yesterday? Well I ran 10 miles...well more like I hobbled along the lake front until I got blisters. Walking along the path, I couldn't help but notice everyone was fitter, taller and seemed happier than I was. I was carrying a ten pound backpack on me which prevented me from getting any real stride. I was at a sketch accountability brunch that morning (the first I had been to). I wanted to try my hand at it to see if Sketch Comedy is yet another muscle I can tone.

I think my premise was very solid; it's a riff off The Honeymooners taking place in Ancient Sumeria. The husband comes home to discover the wife had taken rancid water from the granary and served it to him out of spite for not fixing the granary roof. Meanwhile the neighbor eagerly drinks the water as they slowly come to the realization that they have collectively invented alcohol.

Let's see, my friend Aly also stopped by the mic last night so she got a glimpse of what I've been up to. That was nice. I also have the showcase I'm producing this weekend which I should be taking a bit more seriously. They guy doing my social media stuff is being a little slow on the advertising end. I need this showcase to be successful and by successful I mean everyone from regular comedians to non-profit people to friends and family need to be there in order for this to work. This event not only functions as a fundraiser that furthers a cause near-and-dear to my heart but will go a long way to cementing me as a producer who knows how to organize things.

Finally there's my last showcase before vacation. I should probably take this week to hone in on my tight 4 minutes. That's probably what I can do to truly distract myself from the exhaustive state that I am in. Gotta keep grinding, gotta keep going.