Circling the Drain

The phone keeps ringing at work and It's making me anxious. People in this office keep asking me if I'm okay as if they care. I suppose they do. One of the managers brought food and she inferred I could have some; "I brought food for you today," she said. I'm not sure I believe her so I said I'm fine not really knowing whether refusal was rude or not. Based on the look she gave me, I think it was.

Can everyone just leave me alone? I'm coming down from an incredibly scary episode and it's still very raw. I'm trying to decipher what everything means, but I also need to stay focused on my goals this week. I actually have real deadlines here; the consequences of which could mean a bad fundraiser and a bad showcase. But I'm so incredibly stressed out and not for the right reasons. I'm stressed about being stressed and damn near paralyzed about it! I should be sending letters, making calls, writing thank you cards and finalizing logistics...instead I took all of yesterday writing and formatting a fake Onion front page and re-tooling my resume for a job I won't get.

Have I gone to mics at all this week? No. Nor do I plan on it since I have an employee BBQ and a birthday party tomorrow, and I somehow have to get snacks for both events today. That and fit in a haircut, a therapist appointment and a 5 mile run. I did a 5 mile "fun run" yesterday and I'm still waiting for the fun to kick in. They had pacers who kept up with runners of various speeds. I was in the slowest group (because I'm not a moron). Watching faster pacers line up and go with their paired-up runners was like watching an evolutionary chart in reverse. "Okay pretty, tall, happy people line up for your seven minute miles, well-adjusted 10 minuters, right behind and Lord Farquaad and the rest of uncanny valley lets have you bring up the rear. Wouldn't want you and the 60-year-old mall walkers scaring off the tourists along the plaza."

I feel like my mind has been irreparably blunted. I cannot focus or make connections like I used to. Not consuming alcohol has helped but not nearly enough. All I can concentrate on right now is the pain. It's annoying - it pesters me like a cloud of gnats and every swat I take at it just seems to make the swarm thicker. My skin crawls like an onion slowly being peeled layer by layer. People I actually care about, have given me condolences and advice but they simply do not have the time to be there other than in spirit.

My friend - let's call them Reese - gave me the most permeating words of the day so far, "don't believe in yourself, believe in the me who believes in you!" They're a lovely person. I don't doubt the wisdom of what they are saying but I doubt too deeply the intentions of my own mind.

The phone keeps ringing.

I was watching a TED-Talk about how depression is a disease of civilization. In a way that makes perfect sense to me. Our minds have evolved to an amazing degree but still hearkens back to times of scarcity. Our baser instincts crave food, shelter, safety, sex and social interaction. Lacking the immediate need to satisfy those cravings means our minds wonder towards perceived anxieties. This is probably why my body at least reacts physically to uncomfortable social interactions with the same intensity reserved for being chased by wild boar on the Serengeti.

It's my belief that having the privilege to have those perceived anxieties, combined with a sudden lack of one or more of the basics leads to depression. Add a little genetic variance and/or trauma of course and what it all ultimately means is a large group of people have a tiny little kill switch in their brains that we all really want to press for the good of the species.

Can't think of that now however - got to think proactively. The ways one can relieve the stress response is thus (according to this TED talk):

• Physical Activity
• Omega-3 Fatty Acids
• Sunlight
• Healthy Sleep
• Anti-Ruminative Activity
• Social Interaction

Physical activity: Check! Omega-3's can be found in fish, canola, walnuts, flaxseed and soybeans - so got to replenish that. Sunlight: Check! Maybe I need to get one of those sun lamp for the winter. Healthy sleep...could always do better but work lets me come in late and my belief that I'd be doing early morning running was too optimistic. The consequence of both is I still get a good 7 hours or so of sleep. Anti-Ruminative Activity...the hell is that? Google: f**k...well been trying to not ruminate on past mistakes but considering I was born one, that's a hard knot to tie. Moving on! Social Interaction: Check! I have many people I can lean on in a bind. Okay so get some salmon on the way home, buy a sun lamp in the near future and "try" not to dwell on bulls**t.

Easy enough...