Vacation

Boy did I need some time off. Because of the eccentricities of my job, the beginning of the classic American school year is the perfect time to go on a vacation. I had been planning to go somewhere for a month or so, and given my penchant for snapping photos of architectural wonders on my Instagram (and of course my love of movies), I decided to travel to Columbus, Indiana to unwind.

Unless you're native to Indiana and/or one of the few people familiar with the film Columbus (2017), the small country town, nestled in a garden of cornfields is a bit of an anomaly. With a population just barely 44,000, Columbus hosts a wide array of unique buildings, structures, gardens and modern art, most of which were subsidized by the Cummins Engine Company; headquartered there. Names like Harry Weese, John Carl Warneck, Gunnar Birkerts, Eliel and Eero Saarrinen all made a lasting impact on this small town with many of their works scattered within mere blocks of each other.

If you're not familiar with those names, don't worry, neither am I. Though, I was delighted that I made a few flaccid connections between name and style. For example Harry Weese not only designed a beautiful little church on the outskirts of town but he also designed the look and feel of the Pentagon metro station in D.C.. As soon as I saw that on Wikipedia I immediately noted the similarities and was proud that I did in the only way a toddler could when noticing the different sizes in toy blocks. Look, I'm not an architecture expert by any means but I know what I like, and the clean semitry common under the umbrella term of "modernist architecture" (probably misusing that label) is very beautiful to me.

I spent three days there, biking, walking and enjoying the quiet serenity. I spoke to barely a soul and while Aly and other friends were concerned about me being isolated, I actually found the entire experience transcendental. The only downside was the food. My diet vacillated between mediocre pub burgers, incredibly bad Mexican and fast food that was just there and cheap.

I got some reading and writing done - I'm almost halfway through "In the Garden of Beasts" by Erik Larson. I could blame my lackluster speed reading on the author's thicket of historical data he puts in his books but I'll just go out and admit it, I'm just a slow reader. I got thirty pages into a play which got me to work out a lot of my issues. It's not very good yet, but I will endeavor to keep working on it since I still think the premise is solid and I like my characters enough to where I think they deserve a resolution.

The last day I was there I met up with a friend, let's call her Flower for the sake of anonymity. I met her on OkCupid last year and became friends instead of lovers. She moved out of Chicago some months ago to a nearby town in Indiana and she was elated to see me. She's objectively happier in Indiana which, thank goodness, but I still miss her and it was so nice to catch up.

I've decided that, other than the mics I'm hosting, I'm not going to make much of an effort to go to other open mics. Despite my vacation, my emotional state is still very raw. Because of the way I scheduled things, I had to hightail it back to Chicago to host my mic then drop off my parent's car in Michigan, which had me frantically driving through the night (Maisie came with me so I wouldn't doze off into oncoming traffic). While I was hosting the mic, the thoughts expressed towards me by girl Casey and Shirley were - well they were unkind. I know now they meant nothing by it, and did it for the sake of entertainment, but I was unsure at the time. At the very least, I'm going to take it easy on the comedy front until the marathon is finally over.

It's crunch time on that front, and boy am I feeling the effects. I went on a thirteen mile long run last week and by the end of it, my feet felt like they were about to fall off. It took me a week to recover so I did my best to mostly walk the rest of the week. Then, yesterday I went on a twelve mile long run and it happened again...I can barely walk today. I'll admit it, I hate running! After all this is over, I'm going to limit myself to a few miles for warm up before continuing on the whole weight training thing hopefully right where I left off. I've stopped weight training a few weeks ago because of all the running and while I don't miss the strain, I do miss being able to pick up heavy boxes without grunting.

Too many levers, not enough control.

Not sure what my next big project to distract me from the void will be. I was talking to yet another friend (codename pending) and we stumbled upon a revelation. I've been frantically looking for a way to get out of my depression and every effort has led to disappointment and exhaustion. Perhaps it's because I'm trying EVERYTHING instead of honing in on and doubling down on things that work. In that regard I've been too frazzled to know what really does the job.

Medicine will hopefully do something (I have an appointment later this month, the wait has been excruciating). Psychotherapy kinda-sorta helps but I'll wait and see if it's more impactful in tandem with medicine. Exercise also helps though the mode of said exercise matters. Biking is straight up joyous but I'll need to prepare a lot if I want to do that during the winter months. Strenuous, continuous running is...stupid. It's also solitary which is a drawback. Perhaps I should do a social sport of some kind, like softball or basketball or fencing.

My support group has been very good for me doing everything from distracting me to completely inoculating me from the effects of depression, if only for a few hours. The energy my friends give off is probably the most effective tool I have at my disposal. I love cooking a lot. I'd like to throw dinner parties but I live too far for most to really make that work. I could bring food to friends via baked goods or offering to cook for people once a month. That sounds like fun to me.

Guess I should also give meditation another try. Ugh.