What Do We Owe Each Other?

No matter how bad things get, I can always depend on the support of my friends to steer me in the right direction. The last few days have been excruciating. The latest spiral has left me in a state of total disarray from top to bottom; the feelings of which were so intense as to get me to the point of contemplation of suicide. I had a plan and the means to go about it - a thing I've been told is probably the biggest warning sign one could express.What got me back from the precipice? I'm glad you asked.

As I said previously, my friend Reese told me, "don't believe in yourself, believe in the me who believes in you." As powerful as that statement is, it barely put a dent in the cloud hanging over my head at the time. I was too hung up on the here and now - how I was feeling, how what I was feeling monopolized my thought process, then feeling the guilt for having it monopolize my thought process. What Reese statement did do was provide a context - a frame - that lured me out of the episode I was in.

Aly was my first line of defense and the first person I spilled the beans to. She recognized what was going on almost immediately as she had seen, up-close what these kinds of episodes can do to people. She couldn't quite get me to go to the hospital but she did get me to call professional help and provided a lot of concrete resources I can now utilize, now and in the future.

She showed up to the fundraiser with her boyfriend whom I was excited to meet. He seems kind, decent and level headed which is what she wants and needs. Also in attendance at the fundraiser was my friend Darian - a friend I met through a mutual friend; my sister from another mister Maisie and, of course Reese.

Have you tried not being a dick?!

My friend Pam showed up and tag-teamed with Aly to make sure I wasn't alone on the night of the fundraiser. I'm not sure how many people were queued into what was going on with me, but I made little secret of it due to the stress incurred by hosting any important event. Pam arrived late - while parking she almost got into a row with a Wrigleyville hooligan who stopped in the middle of the street to bang on her window and demand to know why she took advantage of the parking space that was freely available.

I stayed over at Pam's house and the next day we spent the day together doing what I love to do best...eat. We went to the world famous Calumet Fisheries for breakfast, gorging on smoked salmon and catfish before driving up to Sweet Mandy B's for some of the best cookies in the city. Pam tapped out half way through her molasses cookie so I indulged - wound up in a sugar induced coma by the time I got back to my place.

Odd friends are fun...

The next day, my friend Youssef invited me to a sketch accountability group - the sole members largely consist of just me and him, but whatever. Center at the core of my being is the incessant urge to be where I say I'm going to be - a sentiment I think he appreciates. We discussed our sketches and where they were trying to say before devolving into me watching him play videogames and simply shooting the s**t. I don't know that much about Youssef other than he's a weirdo in the best possible sense. His aura is a welcoming kind - the kind that can only be expressed through a singular person whose been an outsider for most of their lives but loves people deeply and eternally. I adore those kinds of people and try to emulate when I can.

You telling me there's more f**king steps?!

I went to my final showcase before vacation. The venue was a rickety, claustrophobic attic on the far north side. Shirley was there (she was also at the fundraiser) and helped me hobble down the stairs as I had broke the seal on a 13 mile long run and was feeling the effects. She drove me home after the show and we had one of those long, winding conversations that one can only have at 2 in the morning with close friends. She then spent the night (nothing untoward happened).

I am loved. I've always known that of course but this past week I was reminded of it and how much that matters - how much I matter. Immediately following the fundraiser, I sat in a restaurant booth with Maisie, Darian, Reese, Shirley and Pam with Aly there in spirit. There was so much love in the room and for a while there, I felt most of my problems melt away.

I am not strong enough to deal with everything - the everyday struggles of life, the extra strain I put upon myself to strive for more, the brain that I possess that tries to kill me every once in a while. But the truth is no one is strong enough to deal with those things alone - not a single goddamn person. But not only is that okay, that's a evolutionary advantage. It means that we have to rely on others and create lasting bonds if for no other reason than they help us last through troubled times.

I was too tired to fight on for a bit and immediately when I made that known and clear, people came out of the woodwork to fight on my behalf. They're superheros! Maisie with her kindness and ever youthful spirit, Pam and her incredible pose under pressure, Reese and their unsurpassed wisdom, Aly, her superhuman empathy, Shirley and her unending loyalty, Darian and his trust and Youssef and his welcoming openness.

These people, among countless others mean the world to me and despite what mean things my brain says to me, I know I mean the world to them too. I will be there for them, that's a promise. I have to be - I owe them that much.