Thoughts from the Usher Podium: Best First Date Movies

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked me what I think are the Top 10 Best "Date" Movies of All Time. What should have been an easy list largely consisting of romantic comedies I find the least annoying, churned in my head for much longer than it should have. Weeks in fact, I thought and thought, thinking less about the list I was to make than the very definition of what was being asked.

See! Isn't she adorable!!!!!

See I have been in a very serious relationship for over six years. She's the proverbial light of my life; a stunningly beautiful, smart, intelligent, kind-hearted woman who quite frankly I don't deserve, yet she hangs on to me like I'm some sort of prize (I know, it's gross). Thus instead of dreaming up the beyond stressful possibility of going on a blind date with a stranger, I kept thinking of movies she either likes or I think she'd like.

Of course, classic animation, cheap 60's horror flicks and Kurosawa films aren't exactly universally appealing. Plus with her in mind, I can't exactly appeal to the spirit of the question. Yet being out of the dating pool for as long as Lost (2004-2010) was on the air, makes it hard to put myself in that mindset. The single life from afar looks like a dirty Jacuzzi of sweaty limbs and shame. Even if that's not the case, I'm completely at a loss as to what passes as "date" movie material.

So instead of offering up the usual fare; the safe, boring and trite romances that populate listicles of this nature, I'm going full solipsism here. Below are a list that I feel give a good breadth as far as genre, sentiment and view point. They were chosen using three criterion. First they are arguably good, bordering on great films. Sorry, I'm not going to spend $20 on popcorn and tickets so someone I barely know can set through a mediocre movie. If the date goes south at least they'll remember what they saw. Secondly love, or the prospect of love is a theme. Perhaps not the main theme but squint and it's there. Thirdly the girl I'm going on this hypothetical date with is kind of the focus. If she sits through these movies and never once uses the phrase "I can't believe you made me read" or "It was so old" then she's a keeper. Consider it a vetting process to get into my pants.

Hey babe, wanna hear my thoughts on Fellini?

10. Beauty and the Beast (1991)
Yes, People of a certain generation can't get enough of this tale as old as time. A tale about the delicate, melancholy romance of a selfish prince turned hideous monster and a kindly bookworm with a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome, told from the perspective of dinnerware. All jokes aside, Beauty and the Beast is a wonderfully imaginative film with iconic song and dance sequences and stunningly detailed animation.

For those living under a rock, the plot of the film involves a provincial girl who's father is captured by a mysterious monster living in seclusion in the forest. She retraces his steps and confronts the beast who is actually a cursed prince. Offering herself to the monster to save her father she settles into the empty gloomy castle we set our scene and eventually develops a friendship than a romance with the haughty beast.

I almost didn't include this film on the list because if a woman either has never seen this film or doesn't like it; I'd honestly be surprised and intrigued. Not in a romantic way but in way that would coax probing questions about their life. Did you live under a rock as a child? Were Disney products banned in your household? Are you secretly a psychopath? Dammit OkCupid! You've done it again!

9. Clueless (1995)
Okay, so you've gotten through the front door without a scratch. So get ready for my first curve-ball, a la the Alicia Silverstone helmed Clueless. Yes this bubbly mid-90's "chick-flick" is a near classic no matter what imdb says. Firstly it features Mighty Mighty Bosstones in the soundtrack...check and mate. Secondly it's funny, charming and full of 90's slice-of-life zaniness.

Zaniness that includes the mothaf***ing Mighty Mighty Bosstones!

The film is partially based on Jane Austen's "Emma" a tome about youthful impetuousness and comedy of manners misunderstandings. Clueless's Cher (Silverstone) takes the lead as a popular Beverly Hills teenager who plays cupid for her friends and acquaintances for the sake of popularity and a fundamental misinterpretation of "the right thing".

Am I the only one who thinks this guy hasn't aged at all?

Despite focusing on a group of ditsy poster-children for white privilege, the screenplay is surprisingly layered with inter-relationship dynamics and a surprisingly progressive attitude overall. That attitude is neatly tucked under satire at the expense of a Beverly Hills high school in-crowd that resembles the Debbie's from The Oblongs (2001-2002). Additionally the romance between benevolent queen bee Cher and Paul Rudd is naturalistic and genuine which just makes the comedy that much more satisfying.

8. The Artist (2011)
Okay, so far so good. Presumably my date has been able to sit through a universally adored animated classic and a surprisingly versatile high school movie. Now like early summer to wild rabbits, this movie is all about culling the herd. The Artist is a silent black and white French film made in 2011. Wait...where are you going?

The film follows an acclaimed silent movie star (Jean Dujardin) who finds his star taking a nosedive with the arrival of sound. As his persona declines in popularity, a young ingenue (Berenice Bejo), whose career he helped start, tries to reignite his passion. Naturally they fall in love.

The secret to The Artist is despite of, or perhaps because of its artistic choices, it's an instant crowd-pleaser with plenty to offer even the most off-put of audiences. Instead of being pretentious, the film is in-fact fun, friendly and broad in the best of senses. It's also an enjoyable romance to boot.

7. When Harry Met Sally... (1989)
So now that most of the artless philistines have left; it's time to bring in arguably the most obvious film on this list. When Harry Met Sally... takes place over the course of over ten years as our two protagonists: Harry (Billy Crystal) and Sally (Meg Ryan) pop in and out of each others lives. Partially through serendipity and partially because of hardship the two lean on each other as friends, eventually finding something more in each other's cynical New York dwelling arms.

There's a reason why When Harry Met Sally... is on the top of a lot of romantic comedy lists. It doesn't just show two people falling in love but explores what it truly means to be in love. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan are are pitch perfect as the leads, finding a warm chemistry that, to be honest, has never been surpassed.

6. Amelie (2001)
So now we get to the essay portion of this test. The woman on these hypothetical (probably multiple) dates will now have to watch a thoroughly engaging and visually stunning romantic comedy in which she'll have to read subtitles (gasp!). You see now why I'm not single and desperately clutching to my significant other like velcro? Most people would see this as some kind of punishment but not my lady...she sees it more like a serious mental condition.

Amelie is the story of a quixotic French woman (Audrey Tautou) who because of a medical mistake has grown up with little human contact. Now working at a quintessentially charming coffee shop, Amelie paints her life with her own layers of fantasy and beauty, all while helping acquaintances with their own hardships.

There's a romance for sure, but Amelie is mostly a movie about that rare love of life people once had before they joined the wage economy. The film is a bubbly, gorgeous and atmospheric masterpiece which effortlessly blends reality with Amelie's whimsical flights of fancy. Anyone who hasn't completely fallen in love with Audrey Tautou by the end of this film has been emotionally stunted and should seek immediate emotional counselling.

5. Leave Her to Heaven (1945)
While Amelie is upbeat and fantastic, Leave Her to Heaven is in it's own unique way, dark and fatalistic. It's basically the anti-date movie; A sordid tale of obsession that keeps you glued to the screen with stunning color and the acting chops of Gene Tierney.

Leave Her to Heaven is the story of a novelist (Cornel Wilde) who falls for, and promptly marries the enigmatic Ellen Berent (Tierney) who jilts a well-to-do fiancee in the process. What starts as infatuation soon blossoms into full-blown obsession on the part of Ellen who becomes jealous of her husband's crippled young brother, monopolizing his time. Slowly but surely, her insecurities consume her to the point of madness and murder.

(backs away slowly)

So why include a movie of this kind on a list like this? Well it's basically my Trolley Problem scenario for would-be mates. If my date is unaffected or worse delighted by a movie that's basically the female version of Taxi Driver (1976), I'm running for the hills and fast.

4. Fargo (1995)
Wait, what? Fargo?! I hear you cry. Why of all movies is Fargo a deadpan murder dramedy on a list primarily consisting of syrupy romantic movies? True on face value, putting this particular Coen brothers film on the list is like putting bamboo shoots on a plate of spaghetti. Yet I'm sure any film fan will appreciate that fact that a Coen joint just needs to be somewhere on this list...so why not pick the best one?

Fargo is the puzzling story of a car salesman (William H. Macy) whose embezzlement schemes are close to being discovered. In desperation, he hires a duo of thugs to kidnap his wife and hold her ransom so he can shake down his rich father-in-law. Things naturally don't go according to plan, forcing a pregnant, small town, Minnesotan sheriff (Frances McDormand) to piece things together.

The motif of love and romance bubbles to the surface only twice. Once when the Sheriff is having a cringe-worthy chat with a former high school friend who declares his undying love for her. Yet the part that hits home, and typifies my idea of true love comes in the closing scene. McDormand, exhausted from the investigation and subsequent arrests, sits in bed with her husband (John Carroll Lynch) watching TV. Her sentiment is one of gratuity; a quaint, stable equilibrium that may have its challenges but still remains a calm in the storm that is their lives. I love that...hopefully my date will like that too.

3. Make Way for Tomorrow (1937)
Of course if she doesn't, she has another chance with Make Way for Tomorrow, a film made infamous when Orson Welles declared it a movie that would make a stone cry. If this film doesn't resonate with whomever you're with on an emotional level, they are clearly not human. Cut them out quickly; you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Make Way for Tomorrow is the austere, wistful tale of Barkley (Victor Moore) and Lucy Cooper (Beulah Bondi) who have had decades of married bliss under their belt before the events of the film. Due to the worsening Great Depression, the elderly couple is forced to separate and take temporary residence at their children's' homes. Barkley stays with his daughter in California to search for work  while Lucy stays with her son in his family's swanky Manhattan apartment. After a time, their temporary situation becomes more permanent which puts a damper on the lives of their middle-aged children who all have families and responsibilities of their own.

Make Way for Tomorrow is one of those films where no one is really at fault for what is said and done. You feel for everyone and hope in vain for a happy ending that just may not come. Keeping it all together are Victor Moore and Beulah Bondi whose elderly couple is the epitome of class under pressure. They're perfect in their own indescribable way that has to be seen to believed. The last ten minutes of the film feature one of the most bittersweet moments of romance ever committed to celluloid. Bittersweet because despite the couple's fleeting happiness, there's a forlorn realization that they may not get another moment as perfect as this again.

2. Casablanca (1942)
You know it, you've seen it or at least you've heard of it. Any list of "Date Movies" that doesn't have Casablanca somewhere on it is automatically disqualified from your Facebook feed. Seriously, block that s**t!

1. City Lights (1931)
City Lights is without exception the most romantic film ever made. What can be more perfectly idyllic and altruistically beautiful than a movie about a big-hearted Tramp (Charlie Chaplin) who falls for a blind flower girl and tries in vain to raise money for an eye operation. The Tramp does so by depending on the largess of a carousing millionaire whose drunken debauchery at one point convinces the girl (Virginia Cherrill) that the Tramp is in-fact a wealthy benefactor and not just a homeless Tramp eager to find love.

Effortlessly funny in the way that only Charlie Chaplin can achieve, City Lights has the audacity to once again give voice to the voiceless while being a treasure trove of timeless comedic scenes. There's something about Chaplin's unabashed humanism and sincere romanticism that strikes a cord that willing audiences won't soon forget. While the best of films can make you jump for joy or shed a tear, City Lights and the genius of Chaplin can accomplish both within the same reel.

While some may not be keen on silent films, Chaplin's Tramp persona has achieved cinematic immortality through his universal appeal as a struggling but always chipper, limber and silent vaudevillian. His "Comedy of romance and pantomime" may just stand the test of time better than any of his films, which is saying a lot since most of his feature films are not just good but visually near-perfect.

Anyone who'd want to date me would need to know, appreciate if not downright love Charlie Chaplin. He's not only one of my idols but an acclaimed demigod of the cinema whose impact is beyond reproach. George Bernard Shaw once called Chaplin "The only genius to come out of the movie industry," and seeing as City Lights has inspired everyone from Stanley Kubrick to Andrei Tarkovsky to Woody Allen, it's easy to see why.