Chapter 19: Twitlight - Breaking Wind (Part 2)

Twas the first of April which, for many, if not most of you is nothing but another day. For my family and I however, its kind of like a second Christmas or Black Friday depending on whether you're the butt of the joke. Yes, April Fools Day is a big deal in my family at least since I was a little boy and was scarred for life when my dad woke me up to tell me I was going to the doctors to get my shots. Since then, his pranks have gotten a lot more elaborate with such classic chestnuts like faking a major illness, faking the hospitalization of my mother and my personal favorite, stealing my car so I would be late for work. You'd think all this tomfoolery would anger me but instead of playing the victim I simply remember the immortal words on my family crest "don't get mad get even." At least that's what I think it says, it's all in German.

This year I think I may have topped myself. Last year I crept into their garage after dark and reprogrammed my parent's GPS so it only spoke French. It took them a while to figure it out since, while they try to be tech savvy, they're still AARP members. This year Danni and I snuck into the garage once more, this time with bags of party balloons and vials of glitter. Our mission; fill the balloons with glitter and fill both my mom and dad's cars to the brim with the inflated party favors. It took hours and by the end we were both very dizzy. Additionally, Danni informed me she had a slight allergy to latex so at the end of three hours she looked like Goldie Hawn, But we did it!

They exacted their revenge by turning off my cellphone service which I found out only after trying to return from break at work. This inconvenience left me locked out of the movie theater until a customer opened the back door letting me in. Danni, who is also on my parent's plan was also without communication. When I called to tell my parents "well played," my dad told me the intent was to switch numbers on us which actually would have been quite clever. Many of my more cell-dependent friends later asked if my parents hated me.

Fate also exacted its revenge in the form of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011). One of my roommate's co-workers had a copy and since I am a quarter of the way to my goal, I thought why not celebrate a little. For those who actually read and follow this trite little nook of cyber-litter, you may remember the drinking game we played last time we visited the lives of Bella, Edward and Jacob (Chapter 5). Not wanting to change tradition we uncorked a few bottles of Arbor Mist and let our hair down.

For those who forgot or don't know the rules they are as follows.
Take a shot/sip when...
1. Someone says the word vampire or wolf or any variation including "newborns".
2. Whenever someone sparkles.
3. When the father appears in police uniform.
4. Whenever someone is brooding.
5. Whenever an obnoxious hipster indie song is being played in the background.
6. Whenever someone doesn't have his shirt on.
7. Whenever someone gives an unrealistically generous gift, does a foolishly gallant act or otherwise bends the rules of common sense for Bella.

Drink the rest of the bottle when...
1. Someone unattractive or out of shape is on screen.
2. Something in a scene makes you feel anything other than sleepiness or the need to plant your face in your hands.

Unfortunately rule #3 didn't apply in Breaking Dawn Part 1. While the dad was present, and was surprisingly accepting of his eighteen-year-old daughter marrying her pasty faced boyfriend, he was not that important to the plot. What is important to the plot is Edward and Bella take the plunge so she can become a vampire like she's always wanted. Jacob pisses and moans, and Bella has unprotected sex while still human resulting in her mutant baby trying to eat its way out of her womb. You know, true love and all that good stuff.My roommate, whose expertise on Twilight I value as much as one reasonably can, filled in some of the holes that went unexplained or glossed over in the flick. Why can't they just turn her into a vampire while pregnant? Because it would kill the baby. Why is the act of sex with a vampire while human potentially deadly? Because their skins as hard as diamonds and they're super strong. How can these vampires live for eons amassing enough money to afford a private island off the coast of Brazil without the IRS at least knowing about it? And for that matter why would vampires want a vacation home in sunny Rio anyway? Just shut up and watch the movie!

Amy did bring up an interesting notion that was not explained in the movie nor, she believes, explained in the book. How can they even have sex? Vampires have no pulse so they have no blood actually coursing through their veins. It only stands to reason that Edward can't get his little Dracula to stand at attention. So Bella is waiting to be turned, just so she can have human carnal knowledge of a cold corpse with a flaccid iditarod. Perhaps if you're being turned into a bloodsucker while you're performing (its been known to happen in vampire movies) then you'd have a fully erect projectile for always and forever but that would be a very inconvenient case of rigamortis. You'd never be able to wear mesh shorts, birds would always want to perch on you and all your vampire friends would always call you Vlad the Impaler. But on the positive side you'd actually achieve every pubescent boy's deep seeded fantasy; you could use you're dingus as a weapon!

Of course its all fun and games until someone gets pregnant. That's why its important kids, to make and keep important commitments to your loved ones. In this case, commit to spending the rest of eternity with a manipulative Gothic horror monster before getting jiggy with it or else be forced to drink O- slurpees while your ribcage and spine breaks from the force of your bloodthirsty monster child. By the way, the baby's name is Renesmee a mix of Bella's mother's name and the punchline of a cruel practical joke. The newborn is also imprinted by Jacob which is a way for a werewolf to leave his marking that disappointingly doesn't involve rising his hind legs.

In the end, Breaking Dawn Part 1 is a vapid, stupid, glacierly paced movie with very little going for it other than the welcome sight of Bella withering away. So its a substantial improvement from the rest of the series. I actually look forward to the next and hopefully final chapter in the franchise. Maybe if I get liquored up before the premiere (or during), I would only remember the good parts, like the credits.