Chapter 23: Not Coming to a Theater Near You

Over the past couple of days I have had many people come up to me with plenty of movie recommendations that, unfortunately I won't be able to see for a while. So many in fact, that I have had to start a list of movies to watch after I am finally done with this project. Rest assured that if I have heard of it, chances are I will watch it in my lifetime but after this whole thing is done and over with, the first few movies I will watch will be my choices and no one else will have a say.Out of the 100 I have to watch, I am proud to say have finished a slog of new movies from said list. Two were never released in theaters, two more were likely never released in theaters in the tri-county area and one is still in theaters though not at the same cineplex that's playing The Three Stooges (2012). They were Trust (2010), Black Dynamite (2009), Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (2011), Feast (2005) and...sigh...Zombie Strippers (2008).

I watched Salmon Fishing in the Yemen at the local art theater with my girlfriend. The theater itself is a local landmark which in addition to having movies also provides a midsize concert venue and even hosts its own film festival. Since my workplace has not brought Salmon Fishing to a theater near me, I figured I would either have to watch it in the next few days or wait for it to come out on DVD in the months to come. I've been to this particular theater before but I have never seen it as crowded as I did a few nights ago. I've been there a few times, sat in both of their screening rooms and never have I seen more than a few dozen people. It seemed the true life story of a determined sheik and British officials introducing salmon to Yemen was popular among the 55 to dead crowd. Seriously the entire theater except us looked like the cast of Cocoon (1985).

The movie itself was fun and heartwarming, the story stayed relatively true to the real events and Ewan McGregor and Emily Blunt make for charming leads. I kind of wish that the love story between the two wasn't so phoned-in and obvious but by this point everyone has been so accustomed to perfunctory romance. The mood of the movie also seems to wade from helm to stern. during the first hour or so the inherit ridiculousness of such an undertaking provides many moments of genuine humor but as the next act opens and the characters' personal lives become the focal point, things become a little dull.

The side stories provide a little bit of upswing. Their is an assassination plot that provides a little bit of suspense and laughter and when Emily Blunt's boyfriend comes back from Afghanistan after being MIA for months, he provides a pretty interesting complication to the story; or would have, had his character not been treated so shabbily. Still Salmon Fishing in the Yemen ranks up there with one of the better movies I've seen this month.

Trust is a close second to Salmon Fishing. It's was one of those movies that featured some great performances, a solid story and sharp social commentary but you wouldn't want to watch again. The story centers around a young teen girl (Liana Liberato) who is seduced by a child predator and how she and her family (Clive Owen and Catherine Keener) deal with the trauma. If you were a training child psychologist, this movie would provide an excellent case study. If you know someone who has been the victim of such a terrible crime, this movie may provide a window into what they are going though. If you are the victim or the immediate family member of one, this movie will unnerve you its that convincing of a story. But if you're like me, a casual moviegoer that knows no one who has been the victim of sexual assault and pedophilia, the impact of the film is only at arms length.

Oddly enough this film reminded me of last years 50/50 (2011). It was for all purposes a great movie but at the end of the day who wants to watch a raunchy comedy about a man suffering with cancer? I can't tell you how many people I have unintentionally drawn away at the movie theater while trying to describe that film. Oliver Stone's World Trade Center (2006) and Paul Greengrass's United 93 (2006) are also cut from the same cloth. People come to see movies to be entertained not challenged or exposed to anything negative that exist outside their bubble. Does that mean Trust is a bad film? Absolutely not. I would go so far as to say its the best movie about its subject matter. Though I suppose that's not a ringing endorsement.

Black Dynamite on the other hand reminded me more of Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007) and Hot Fuzz (2007). While trying to be a parody of old blaxploitation movies from the 70's like Shaft (1971) and Black Samurai (1977) it ends up playing much more like a true to life exploitation film; right down to the period detail and cinematography. With a good amount of T&A and a particularly over-the-top performance by Michael Jai White, Black Dynamite would have been incredible had it not been so meticulous in its approach. How can you make fun of a genre that already makes fun of itself? Granted I have only seen Super Fly (1972) and Darktown Strutters (1975) but when one is about cloning black leaders by a racist Colonel Sanders to subjugate black culture its not hard to imagine another true to form blaxploitation film where Richard Nixon hatches a plan to make black mens' members shrink.

Speaking of making mens' members shrink, Zombie Strippers. I saw that particularly rancid piece of gutter trash only yesterday and their are simply no words to describe its awfulness. I'm serious! I can go through the gambit: horrible, detestable, loathsome, revolting, abominable, inconceivable, no word exists in the English language that can accurately describe such a war crime against cinema. And I came in with no expectations. No positive ones at least. I don't know how the movie did it but it didn't even meet my exceedingly low expectations. If this movie was a food it be lutefisk with a side of brussel sprouts, if it were a real person it'd be Hitler and Stalin's love child, if it were a depth in the ocean only James Cameron would have seen it. This movie's complete polar opposite is the cure for cancer.But I digress, let me give you a description: After a crack team of soldiers kills a laboratory full of zombies, one manages to escape. He stumbles into a strip club and infects the ladies who develop an unquenchable bloodlust...and the need to strip. Realizing that his clientele have a ludicrous attraction to bloodied and decomposing body parts, the club owner (Robert Englund) decides to keep them around seemingly unaware of the problems they'll likely cause. I shit you not that's the plot.

Co-starring Jenna Jameson and a hodge-podge of who gives a flying fuck, this movie fails on all levels. Now by this point some of you may be saying "awesome, this movie sounds like its so bad its good!" Let me be clear; there is so bad its good, so bad its bad and then this. I would not recommend this to my worst enemies and I absolutely do not recommend it to you. This is Ark of the Covenant type shit; avoid with prejudice.

I actually watched it at a friend's house which was part of a double feature. We watched Zombie Strippers then after washing out our eyes, sat down and watched Feast, which was like watching The Godfather (1972) by comparison. If we have watched Citizen Kane (1941) afterwards my mind might have exploded. Feast isn't anything special to write home about. Its a gross, schlocky monster movie that failed to really scare but provided some intended and unintended laughter. So it was firmly in the so bad it was good category.

The plot is pretty simple. A group in a remote desert bar are terrorized by a bunch of horrible monsters. The film's only noteworthy features are 1. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon produced it as part of second season of their reality show Project Greenlight (2001-2002) and 2. There is an uncomfortable amount of monster seamen. I actually remember an episode of the show where Affleck and, I'm assuming director John Gulager were discussing how to avoid an NC-17 rating for the film while still incorporating a monster sex scene. This discussion involved a prototype monster-dong the size of which would make H.R. Giger blush. Needless to say the scene was 'tastefully' incorporated. The dong, at least the one portrayed on Project Greenlight was not.

38 movies out of the 100 are out of the way. That's more than a third in a month and a half. If the timing is just right, I'll be able to catch The Dark Knight Rises (2012) in theaters though its probably not going to be the first new film I'll watch. That spot is reserved for Guy Maddin's A Brand Upon the Brain (2006). Now for those of you who have never heard of the movie or the director, rest assured I am not surprised. I first came across the name when film critic Roger Ebert put his quasi-documentary My Winnipeg (2007) on his 'Top Ten list of 2007'.

The first movie I saw of Maddin's was Careful (1993) a film about a town who live in an avalanche prone valley and the secrets and lies the weave. Watching it on Netflix instant I knew then that this particular Canadian director had and infinitely creative mind. He's known for taking influences and camera/special effects techniques from early cinema and juxtaposing them with modern sensibilities. What results is a warped other-worldliness to his work, like coming across a time capsule from an alternate dimension. He's not for everyone, but by the time I got around to seeing a few of his films including My Winnipeg, I was hooked.

I'm also interested in catching up on some of the "classics" I have yet to see. While Event Horizon (1997) is something I'm marginally intrigued by, I still want to watch Tokyo Story (1953), The Rules of the Game (1939) and The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948). Don't get me wrong, popular films everyone has seen like A League of Their Own (1992) and Glengarry, Glen Ross (1992) are on my short list but movies that are guaranteed not so suck will be a fine alternative to Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008). It'll be a much needed deprogramming so Super (2010) will have to wait.