Chapter 25: The Best Made Plans of Mice and Men

This past week I celebrated my birthday with an outing among friends at the local Buffalo Wild Wings. Surrounded by a large and diverse group of compatriots I realized just how truly lucky I am. Beforehand I felt threatened by the idea that I'd be turning 24. In the time that, if I'm lucky will encompass one fourth of my life I hadn't really accomplished much. Sure being accused then cleared of plagiarism by two college professors was a pretty nifty fuck-you to the for profit educational system; and a testament to me writing my good. But as a college graduate lacking a grown-up job I have had to endure the disappointing silence of my parents, the corroding hope of my girlfriend and my own frustration.

Still, looking across the table and seeing so many familiar faces I felt a calm about all that. Well as calm as one can be in a room full of people who have never met each other. High School friends, college friends and work friends co-mingled as best they could with varying degrees of success. Some of my older, wiser friends were set aback by some of my younger friends rudeness and irreverent sense of humor and as the drinks piled on some of my lady friends became the object of a few male friends' affections. None of my middle-aged trans-gendered friends were in attendance.

Danni planned the party so I didn't have to stress about it thank goodness. The last time I organized a successful birthday party was my 21st and that was a fire hazard waiting to happen. Stumbling home later that night she gave me the best present I could ever hope for: bacon flowers and movies. What are bacon flowers you ask? They are fake plastic stems with sharp skewers on the ends so strips of bacon can be rolled up and fitted on them. I ate a few before I opened my other gift; an Akira Kurosawa collection of four awesome movies: Seven Samurai (1954), Yojimbo (1961), Sanjuro (1962) and The Hidden Fortress (1958). Well three awesome movies; I hadn't seen Hidden Fortress and unfortunately I won't be able to until this whole project is done. Still, Yojimbo and Sanjuro are among my favorite Kurosawa films and while I personally think Seven Samurai is supremely overrated, its kind of a required movie for a film geek to own.

I had planned the whole week off of work since there are no massive blockbusters set to be released this weekend. Plus it being my birthday and all I was going to plan something fun to do each day; up to and including catching up on my movie watching. Unfortunately this was not to be since the day after my birthday I came down with a bad case of strep throat and have been doped up on cough drops and ibuprofen. My first whole week off in two years and I'm sick in bed unable to speak or move and not really in the mood to watch movies. I was planning to watch at least seven but it looks like I'm going to have to settle for three. Those were The Long Good Friday (1980), The Amateurs (2005) and Leap Year (2010).

The Long Good Friday I watched before I was sick and my mind's clarity helped me get through arguably one of the best British crime dramas I've ever seen. It concerns a prosperous London crime boss (Bob Hoskins) on the verge of making a lucrative deal with a group of American builders. Things however don't go according to plan when bombs are found and henchmen are dispatched by a mysterious group trying to muscle in on his action. In the quest to find these ne'er-do-wells Harry becomes increasingly paranoid and frustrated putting his own standing among London's underground at risk. The film costars Helen Mirren and features a young Pierce Brosnan in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it role.

Those in my generation will remember Bob Hoskins as the gruff private dick Eddie Valiant in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988). Others still might know him as Mario in Super Mario Bros. (1993) because a lot of people have unabashedly bad taste. Anyone who has ever wondered what he'd look like as a London gangster get exactly what they wish for as Hoskins slips into the role he was born to play. Likewise Helen Mirren is a revelation as his intelligent, faithful and capable wife she provides the dimming voice of reason in Harry's world which is getting smaller by the moment.

I would have liked to see Harry's hands get a little dirtier throughout the movie. The film largely focuses on Harry's downward spiral and doesn't mention how he rose to such prominence as a leading mob boss in the first place. In fact, Harry tries to present himself as a legitimate businessman and it is only after the second act that a long dormant psychosis surfaces and his true colors show. Until then we see a largely composed and indulgent mafioso who is brought to a slow boil. All in all however, The Long Good Friday is certainly one of my favorites recommended to me by friends and I readily recommend it to anyone.

The Amateurs I wouldn't recommend as highly. Starring Jeff Bridges, Ted Danson, William Fincher, Joe Pantoliano, Lauren Graham etc. Amateurs squeaks by largely on the authority of its supremely talented cast, who really gave it their all. The high concept is simple enough; a group of small town misfits band together to make pornography; trouble ensues. Before you go putting it on your Netflix cue, this movie does not have the crass humor of Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) nor does it have its fascination for voluptuous body parts. Imagine if the cast of Northern Exposure (1990-1995) decided to forge into the porn industry; it would look exactly like this. Quirk on quirk on quirk; that's basically the source of most of the film's humor.

At first, the film's frank, deliberate pacing and idiosyncratic characters turned me off. That and the fact that if the language were toned down the film may have gotten a PG-13 as there is no nudity. But halfway through the movie I started to warm up to it. It had the exact same awe-shucks attitude as a Judy Garland/Mickey Rooney film only with a burlesque subject matter. Sure it's lightweight and goofy but it occasionally had some nuggets of insight or failing that, a few choice jokes. Still its not enough to strongly recommend. I didn't hate it, I just didn't like it enough and if it didn't star so many great people (...Judy Greer, John Hawkes, Patrick Fugit, Glenne Headly, Isaiah Washington, Tim Blake Nelson, Steven Weber, Brad Garrett) I probably would have fallen asleep.

Falling asleep during 2010's Leap Year would have actually been a stroke of luck comparable to finding a four leaf clover or kissing the blarney stone. Leap Year was a boring, witless exercise in romantic comedy cliches without the benefit of believable, sympathetic characters or even a high concept that makes a lick of sense. So desperate to tie the knot and get on with her paint-by-numbers life, Anna (Amy Adams) follows her boyfriend (Adam Scott) to a medical conference in Dublin, hoping to propose to him on the 29th of February, believing a proposal on a leap day cannot be refused. Unfortunately due to inclement weather her plane is rerouted and she has to go traipsing across the Irish country side with a young Irish yokel (Matthew Goode) to get to her destination in time. They don't get along very well, so naturally they fall in love by the end of the movie.

I will admit I am not a fan of romantic comedies. I try to approach them with an opened mind, I really do but out of literally every other genre in film, rom-coms have not evolved since It Happened One Night (1934). Its not entirely their faults. With romantic entanglements becoming obligatory across all genres, romantic comedies simply can't keep up; at least not without resorting to cheap and contrived story-lines like say, a wedding planner who falls in love with a groom, a slacker interventionist who falls in love with her project or a columnists who tries to get a guy to break up with her in 10 days. At least the creators of Leap Year had the courtesy of not adding Matthew McConaughey to the cast.

Overall it was unoffensive in its blandness; at least story wise. What really got to me were the vast array of logistical problems the film kept taunting me with. There is one scene early on where a car rolls into a lake because in romantic comedies traveling can never be simple. There is mention of a tow-truck but nothing ever becomes of it so one can assume the car floated around in the water for a couple of days rusting and causing environmental damage. Speaking of the environment, shouldn't it have been a bit colder in February? There seemed to have been a lot of flower blooming throughout the countryside when they should have been covered in snow. My biggest problem however is the idiotic way in which Anna gets to the Emerald Isle. Her plane lands in Wales and she charters a fishing boat to the city of Cork in the middle of a storm (because such a risk isn't absolutely ludicrous). She of course doesn't make it there and is forced to dock in the middle of nowhere. Isn't Cork 252km south of Dublin? Wouldn't it be better to charter a boat directly to Dublin it being closer to Wales and all? Oh and of course there's my personal favorite, them kissing right before the credits role as the sun sets towards the Atlantic Ocean and not the Irish Sea.

Yes I notice things like that. Like when movies are meant to be in New York but are clearly shot in Toronto. Sometimes finding errors like that can be fun (ever sit down to really count the bad guys in Die Hard (1988)?). This time however, my head hurting and my throat killing me. I was in no mood to be charmed by an Amy Adams helmed Irish love story. Would you be?