The Twitlight Saga: Breaking Wind Part Deux

Year: 2012 (USA)
Genre: Fantasy Horror/Romantic Drama
Director: Bill Condon
Stars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Mackenzie Foy, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, Cameron Bright, Nikki Reed, Billy Burke
Production: Summit Entertainment

Ah hello old nemesis; we meet again. What once started as the trifling egging of a college friend has become a movie franchise released from the gates of hell itself. What was a sudden and heart wrenching annoyance has become a cataclysmic migraine, nay an unholy, malodorous bowel movement from which the stench is enough to wake the dead. Yes, I, a straight male whose only stake in the franchise is that I vowed to eventually finish it has finally put the final nail in the coffin. It has finally been done. I finally sat back and watched the last Twilight (2008-2012) movie on DVD.

I write this review slightly inebriated due to the saving grace that is the Twilight Drinking Game. Without it, I surely would have had to spend my tax return on speckling the myriad of holes in the wall. Instead of uncontrollable rage, I watched the face-palm-fest that is Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012) with a whimpering sense of futility. For those unfamiliar with the Twilight Drinking Game, the rules are as follows:

Take a shot/sip when
1. Someone says the word vampire or wolf or any variation including "newborns".
2. Whenever someone sparkles.
3. When the father appears in police uniform.
4. Whenever someone is brooding.
5. Whenever an obnoxious hipster indie song is being played in the background.
6. Whenever someone doesn't have his shirt on.
7. Whenever someone gives an unrealistically generous gift, does a foolishly gallant act or otherwise bends the rules of common sense for Bella.

Drink the rest of the bottle when
1. Someone unattractive or out of shape is on screen.
2. Something in a scene makes you feel anything other than sleepiness or the need to plant your face in your hands.

Doth one protest too much? Would one be dead after watching the last installment of Stephanie Meyer's abomination? Well, I'd stick with beer instead of the multitude of high alcohol content boozes. It's not good for your health.

The story begins with Bella (Kristen Stewart) familiarizing herself with her new found living-dead-ness. Since the last film She and Edward (Robert Pattinson) have birthed Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) the first known human/vampire hybrid. The Volturi headed by Aro (Michael Sheen) fear the child is a newly turned vampire child who can't control its appetites so they become determined to snuff it out before humans find out their kind is real. In order to avoid all out war, the Cullens recruit a gaggle of vampire clans to witness the existence of Jesus, I mean Renesmee in the hopes that if enough people know the truth, the Volturi will call the whole thing off.

Remind you of anyone?

Let's take a brief moment to recap the whole story in one giant ugly looking nutshell: plain Jane falls in love with a vampire. Werewolf gets jealous; girl marries then has sex with vampire and gets pregnant, is turned into a vampire just before giving birth. Werewolf "imprints" on newborn child because, you know, it's a werewolf thing. big cabal of vampires is angry about everything and wants to destroy the child because vampire children can't hold their P's and Q's.

As the film progresses we meet a multitude of new characters including a vampire who can manipulate the elements, a duo who can change one's perception of reality and one with Taser hands. This is in addition to Ashley Greene's character who can literally see the future. Who knew Twilight was just a bad rendering of the X-Men. Had they introduced these characters sooner we might have had a worthwhile premise on our hands.

I'd be team Jacob for sure

The new glut of characters along with the principle cast do take advantage of their powers in the final act...sort of. Suffice to say that the last twenty minutes of the film changed Breaking Dawn Part 2's status in my mind from being the best movie of the saga to the worst by virtue of having the biggest cop out moment in modern movie history.

Oh oh, looks Chicago street gangs are at it again

In the immortal words of famed film critic Roger Ebert who's wisdom definitely apply here; "I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it."

I feel like I have been the victim of an elaborate scam perpetrated by the creators of this film and book series. The artificial edifice of the entire series mixed with the vacuous, besotted romance is interminably out of place with its utmost earnestness. The professionalism of the actors, the polish of the cinematography, the dedication of the director all fail when faced with the sheer ineptitude of the story and its absolute insistence on insulting its audience. If I knew any better I'd think the creators of such dreck were doing it on purpose a la the works of Douglas Sirk and Luis Bunuel but I doubt the production team could be so sly.

Thankfully with this last insipid movie the multi-million dollar Twilight film franchise has come to a merciful end. Nevermore will we have to deal with the banal reflections of the distastefully irksome Bella and the moping Edward Cullens. The world will be at peace no longer having to choose sides between Jacob and his shirt-wearing bloodsucking doppelganger. It's all finally over and unless I'm feeling especially masochistic or know someone with an IQ lower than their shoe size and a gift for persuasion I never, NEVER have to watch the Twilight movies again.

Final Grade: F