Recently there has been much commotion within the
conservative Christian echo chamber about recent Oscar winner Frozen (2013).
Pastor Kevin Swanson on his Colorado
radio show described the film as “very evil” and posited that the film would
“…indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or
bestiality in a light sort of way.”
There’s an argument to be made for sure; Elsa’s concealment
of her true nature, her defiance and rejection of society, her disinterest in
finding a male suitor are definitely all homosexual overtones and can’t be
attributed to anything else. Moreover
the lack of a strong, “save-the-day-type” male hero is preposterous and negates
and positivity of an animated story of sisterly love.
But why stop at an animated musical decidedly the least gay
of any movie genre. Why not expand the search for evil homosexual symbols in
other films. You’d be surprised at what you’d find. So let’s all dawn our tinfoil
gay-spiracy hats and dive deep into the cesspool of the Hollywood
culture war machine. Below are a list of films that are most definitely turning
me and all of America
gay.
Aliens (1986)
James Cameron’s mega-blockbusters are all frosted with the
warm gooey santorum of gay propaganda; from the message of social tolerance and
responsible environmental stewardship in Avatar
(2009) to Jamie Lee Curtis’s short hair in True
Lies (1994). Yet Aliens certainly
takes the cake when it comes to destroying the gender binary and leaving its
male audiences wanting each other. First theirs the fact that the main
protagonist is female; not only that but she’s useful, can kick butt and hold
her own in the company of fearless Marines.
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| Facehuggers can keep going while guns eventually run out and want to see what's on TV |
The men in the film are faced with a villain that breeds by
humiliatingly clawing onto the face and releasing its seed via toothy vagina.
Not exactly a turn on for men for sure. All the men save for badly injured
Hicks (Michael Biehn) and Ripley’s battery operated boyfriend Bishop (Lance Henriksen)
die horribly and unlike nearly all movies there is no romantic entanglements
between the two grown-up human survivors. There is however a very suggestive
relationship between Ripley and Newt (Carrie Henn). Guess it just goes to show
you when it comes to life threatening situations women are coming to the
realization that they don’t need no man.
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| Mostly... |
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| I'll be catcher |
Commando (1985)
First off Arnold Schwarzenegger hangs around without a shirt
way too many times for comfort. His rippling muscles, masculine Austrian accent,
incredible grace and agility, beautiful facial features…what was I saying?
Secondly look at the relationship between the Governator’s character John and
equally muscle-bound bad guy Bennett (Vernon Wells). The two are torn apart by
destiny but you can tell Bennett admires John for his prowess. He smiles
whenever the two meet and looks to be holding back his punches in their first
confrontation.
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| Lets consider the bear mustache exhibit A |
John was obviously the product of reeducation from a
religious “pray-the-gay-away” program and got a daughter out of the deal. When
the mother left (probably because she knew his secret) John was left in the
mountains to chop wood and live a life of fatherly abstinence. Along comes
Bennett to remind him of his dark past and kidnaps the only remnants of his
newfound heterosexuality. In the final showdown Ahnold takes care of business
defeating Bennett and his inner demons. The victory is also Bennett’s however,
who finally got a piece of Schwarzenegger’s big lead pipe.
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| Yea, I went there |
The Searchers (1956)
Yes even the late great John Wayne was a little light in the
loafers if you read closely into it but then again that’s Hollywood for you. Now how one of the
greatest westerns of all time could be considered subversively homo-erotic, I
hear you cry. Well first we have to consider that yet again there is no love
interest in the movie. The entire picture involves The Duke and his 1/8 Native
American nephew searching for his nieces who were kidnapped by Comanche
warriors. Throughout the film his character Ethan is considered an outlayer,
unable to conform to polite society due to his past. When he first reunites
with his brother and sister-in-law you can tell there’s a strained relationship
with the sister-in-law (Dorothy Jordan) being painfully aware of his
predilections.
Repeatedly Ethan chides romantic entanglements between the
sexes. Martin (Jeffrey Hunter), Ethan’s nephew accidentally marries a native
squaw which leads to mockery. When they return home after an absence to find
Martin’s love engaged to another he’s despondent. Finally when Debbie (Natalie
Wood) the niece is finally found she has married the Indian Chief to which
Ethan tries to kill her. Obviously he is not a big believer in traditional
marriage.
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| You sure you wouldn't rather go shopping? |
Top Gun (1986)
I could give you a cogent argument as to why exactly Top Gun (1986) is a notoriously
subversive gay movie. But instead I’ll let the master of subversion Quentin
Tarantino explain:
Fight Club (1999)
Based on the novel of the same name by Chuck Palahniuk,
Fight Club is absolutely a story about a man struggling against his own
homosexuality. Edward Norton’s nameless protagonist is an effeminate man in his
30’s who at the beginning spends his time in various support groups. He finds
comfort in these largely male groups until Marla (Helena Bonham-Carter) joins a
group for testicular cancer survivors. Her introduction into his superficial
life (without God I might add) leads to his introduction to Tyler Durden (Brad
Pitt) who (spoiler alert) is a dissociated personality in the same body.
Throughout the movie we see a struggle between the
emasculated narrator and the dominant Durden who entices the narrator into a
real heterosexual world where attraction to a female and brotherhood among men
is a positive. When the narrator finally realizes towards the end of the film
that he is in-fact Tyler Durden he lashes out unable to cope with Durden’s
dominant and superior heteo-lifestyle. In the end when the narrator, in effect
kills his tormentor the results of his struggle and the victory of his gay side
result in the destruction of municipal property. This is all in addition to the undeniable fact that a large chunk of the movie is dedicated to half naked dudes beating the crap out of each other.
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