Thoughts From the Usher Podium: Transformers Past and Present

As Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) lugubriously chugs its way to its world premiere I thought now would be a good time to take a look back at Transformers from its humble beginnings as a toy product meant to exploit the imagination of children to its multi-billion dollar movie franchise meant to exploit the imagination of young adults. While most culturally defining entertainment franchises begin their tents with original movies (Star Wars), comic-books (The Avengers movies), literature (Harry Potter series), TV shows (Doctor Who) and Radio (The Green Hornet), Transformers dared to be different starting with a simple proposition: can you grow a toy line to include all the above?

Here, make a multi-billion dollar empire out of plastic

Thus the television cartoon show (1984-1987) and action figures were born. By 1984 the majority of restrictions regarding product placement in children’s programming had been removed and Hasbro wanted to capitalize on its potential new market. Also released at the exact same time was G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (1984-1987) which likewise unleashed a glut of new toys and a comic-book for the youth to devour. Transformers however proved to be a little more versatile brand reaching to TV sets as far away as New Zealand.

The TV show resulted in seventeen different spin-offs including the popular Challenge of the GoBots (1984-1985) and Beast Wars (1996-1999), countless videogames and comic books including Transformers: War for Cybertron (2010) and even boasts its own convention venue. That is all in addition to a full length animated movie (1986) which featured the deaths of popular characters Starscream, Ironhide and Optimus Prime. Its cheap little mcguffin was the Matrix of Leadership which made its reappearance in the live-action films.

There were talks of a full-featured live-action film in the early 2000’s with none other than the great Steven Spielberg throwing his hat in to be Executive Producer. When Michael Bay was approached for the Director role he initially bulked at the idea saying it was just “a stupid toy movie.” Yet anxious to work with Spielberg and no doubt enticed by a fat paycheck, Bay went to work on what would ultimately become Transformers (2007).

Starring this guy

The first film had a blear sense of infectious fun. While most would fail to put it on the same pedestal as E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982) or Star Wars (1977), there’s no denying it aped a sense of wonder embedded in the Golden Age blockbuster. It was big, loud and energized by cutting edge CGI. Additionally it provided characters just south of overboard with a geeky yet agreeable Shia LaBeouf, a sultry Megan Fox and even a spunky Rachael Taylor who provided a remnants of brainy T&A. The inclusion of Anthony Anderson led to just a little too many eye-rolling moments but thankfully Joe Buck himself Jon Voight was added to give the pageantry some award winning legitimacy.

Also featured: shameless product placement

Even if Transformers didn’t make a whopping $709.7 million, a sequel would have been a downright certainty. What audiences didn’t count on was the sequel being such an absolute piece of garbage. As the Hollywood axiom proves, if a movie makes money, make the sequel bigger, more bloated and much simpler story-wise. Sure enough Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen surpassed the revenues of its predecessor to the tune of 836.3 million dollars. This is despite some awful reviews inciting one writer to exclaim “This f***ing piece of s***, c*******ing, a**blasting, unconscionably f***ing terrible movie g******!”

Artist depiction of angry critic

Okay that writer was me. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen remains one of my all time least favorite movies not only for it’s over twenty continuity, editing and story plot blunders but because of what it represents. It’s the cynical Hollywood machine run amok reinforcing its own narrative of bigger equals better; spectacle over story and tentpole over originality. Those who cling to the subjectivity of movies and fain ignorance saying things like, “Whatever, I thought it was good,” should be banned from the Cineplexes. No, I hold my tongue against those who throw Troll 2 (1990) parties, I don’t trade barbs with those who like the Star Trek: Next Generation (1987-1994) cast movies. You have issues with me saying Revenge of the Fallen is objectively a bad film I’ll come to your house and force you to watch it frame by frame A Clockwork Orange (1971) style until the sound of a Peterbilt 379 makes your ears bleed.

For the love of god! Why are there so many bad ideas in this movie?!

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) was not much of an improvement but at least the plot holes were spackled up, the perfunctory T&A was changed up and the toy-roid infused insanity was entertaining for the first of three hours. Just like Revenge of the Fallen the film is crammed full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. New characters both human and robotic crowd the screen many spewing "comic relief" lines that detract from the story. It’s all more of the same. Yet Dark of the Moon once again proved profitable, garnering more than a billion dollars worldwide. It currently ranks as the sixth highest grossing film of all time; sixth!

So to recap because I want this to be clear to all the three people who read this blog: The sequel, to the sequel, to the reboot, to the movie, to the animated TV show, to the toy brand is one of the highest grossing films of all time. The sequel to the sequel to the sequel to the reboot, to the movie, to the animated TV show, to the toy brand will be released this June. I understand those who want to hold on to a franchise, I truly do. Despite the prequels, I do look forward to the new Star Wars movies yet for the sake of the future American film I beg you to heed the warnings. If there’s bad word of mouth and/or bad press, don’t see it. Look away; refuse to debase yourself for the sake of studio profits! Close your eyes until the screams go away.

Don't look at it whatever you do!