Chapter 5: Twitlight Part 1

Three movies in you'd think the Twilight Saga would get better than 2010's Eclipse. At the very least you'd think the characters would get smarter. But alas, while the special effects have ambled out of the Dr. Who zone, the story, acting and direction has stayed nearly the same.

Oh don't worry, I knew what I was getting into; sappy dialogue, scenes that felt like I was watching the tides roll in then out, I came prepared. With some Triple Sec, Jose Cuervo and a bottle of Dr. Pepper, I felt the need to subsidize my viewing of Twilight with a fun little drinking game. If you're inclined to torture yourself with this much maligned series, here is the official Twilight drinking game for all to chase the pain away.

Warning: Consumption of copious amounts of alcohol while watching the Twilight most certainly will cause serious health risks which may ultimately result in catastrophic failure of the liver and death.

The Rules:
Take a shot when...
1. Someone says the word vampire or wolf or any variation including "newborns".
2. Whenever someone sparkles.
3. When the father appears in police uniform.
4. Whenever someone is brooding.
5. Whenever an obnoxious hipster indie song is being played in the background.
6. Whenever someone doesn't have his shirt on.
7. Whenever someone gives an unrealistically generous gift, does a foolishly gallant act or otherwise bends the rules of common sense for Bella.

Drink the rest of the bottle when...
1. Someone unattractive or out of shape is on screen.
2. Something in a scene makes you feel anything other than sleepiness or the need to plant your face in your hands.

Needless to say by the time the credits rolled I was wasted. Though not wasted enough to know that this movie is (for lack of more eloquent phrasing) a piece of shit. Think of your worst consensual, sexual experience; that is this movie. For like bad sex, its filled with moments of false affection, lackluster and frustrating almosts and not-quites and is ultimately a morose waste of time.

The love triangle which is the main focal point for this limp chronicle is populated by three incredibly unlikeable people who all need to be taken behind a barn and beaten with a rubber hose. Edward (Robert Pattinson) has every quality of an abusive boyfriend: jealous, overbearing, and manipulative. He's essentially a few Pabst Blue Ribbon's and a mullet away from being on Meagan's List. Twice in Eclipse alone, he obfuscates crucial information from Bella in the name of "protecting" her and twice he appears out of nowhere to "take care" of her when she doesn't need it. It's good that he can't read her mind (a very convenient plot device) because that seems to be the only privacy she has.

The center of this menage-a-trois however is the worst of the three. Bella (Kristen Stewart) at best is a poorly conceptualized character and at her worst is a monster, knowingly playing the two dudes for saps and jumping from one to the other to suit her own selfish needs, or for contrived plot purposes. Need an example? Did she really need to snuggle with werewolf-Mc-no-shirt, smiling and pretending to sleep while the two cretins have a pissing contest? The next scene showed her fairing pretty well in the snow with nothing more than jeans and a flannel shirt.

Yet a better question would be does she really need to involve herself in the shaky relationship between vampire covenant and werewolf pack while creating a rift between the vampires in charge and that same covenant? Isn't one of the prerequisites of love to, you know, like the person's personality? I'd imagine it'd be hard to do that when shes playing them both like a five dollar banjo. By now I'm probably sounding a bit misogynistic so I'll stop. Except to say that I know many women who are strong, kind, loving and practical; every quality Bella does not have.

If I were forced at gun point to choose, I'd be solidly in the Team Edward camp. They're both manipulative, duplicitous and stupid. They deserve each other, they really do.