Chapter 7: In the Land of Mediocre Cartoons

What is it about the animated format that unleashes our nostalgia? It seems no matter how terrible the offending cartoon is, there are always passionate supporters who would rather gouge out my eyes with a grapefruit spoon than hear me, or anyone else out. Perhaps they unlock a particular moment in our childhood. A more innocent time when we had no sense of quality or shame. Perhaps they remind us of who we used to be through the positive messages they instill. Morals like just be yourself, no power is stronger than true love, and only men with facial hair are evil. Now that we're all grown up we have come to many, many, many crushing realities yet we still look back at the unforgettable characters and simplistic morals that populated our entertainment way back when...I will now attempt to destroy them via two animated features on my list of 100.

Treasure Planet (2002) was one of those turn of the century hand drawn Disney movies that were released just after the computer animated boom. Along with Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001) and Brother Bear (2003), Treasure Planet was one of the nails in the coffin of traditional animation due to its poor box-office returns. Now does that mean that the movie is bad? No, but its not great either.

The story begins with young Jim Hawkins (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) as a boy reading the legend of Captain Flint and his infamous band of pirates. Years later the boy turns into a rebellious young trouble maker desperate for adventure. How can you tell he's rebellious? He has a rat tail in the future. After coming across a map to the legendary treasure planet, he and a family friend commission a ship from Captain Amelia (Emma Thompson) and her first mate Mr. Arrow (Roscoe Lee Browne). Things however aren't what they seem aboard the ship as the crew led by John Silver (Brian Murray) are actually pirates in hiding.

Like a massive man-o-war in a modern harbor, the film is impressive to look at but listless and mostly for show. The visuals are the only thing that gets the star treatment while the script itself is lacking anything that isn't dated Disney fair or clunky exposition. There also seems to be a problem with general writing mechanics. When Jim tells his mother that he wants to go on his grand adventure she doesn't seem that adamantly against it. When the Dr. Doppler character (David Hyde Pierce) seems distracted by Captain Amelia we get nothing to show a growing romantic relationship. When the film should emotionally invest in the characters of Jim and Silver, we instead get montage. In other words this movie has a hard time getting from point A to point B.

Still It's not like Treasure Planet was a failure of epic proportions. Say what you will about Disney, if this is the worst it can get than I'm actually impressed. Its not like its 1983's Rock & Rule. For those who have never heard of it, think if Heavy Metal (1981) was done by furries on quaaludes and dubbed it like a kung-fu movie. Oh and the music sucks.

Set in the far future long after humans have destroyed themselves, stray mutant dogs, cats and rats have taken over and created a dystopian society run on sub-par rock & roll. The most powerful man-thing in the world, Mok (Iggy Pop) has a plan to unleash an inter-dimensional being that would destroy everything in its path. Why? Because he's evil. The only hitch in his plan is a woman-mouse-cat type thing Angel (Deborah Harry), who possesses the voice needed to open the portal. Problem is she's got her own band fronted by her continuously aloof boyfriend Omar (Robin Zander). So he devises a clever plan pitting them against each other and...just kidding! No he actually just kidnaps her.

Supposedly Rock & Rule was screwed by MGM's changing management and forced to rewrite and move things around. Apparently they were not excited about a film project with constant casual and forced drug use, devil worship and sexuality. It's even more subversive when you consider all the characters look like Goofy and his extended family have taken over. Regardless I doubt this movie would have amounted to anything even if it had 100% studio support. The characters are dopey, the songs are boring and the animation is lazily cheap. The Omar character in particular is so incredibly unlikeable I found myself rooting for the bad guys.I doubt anyone watched Rock & Rule when they were little. If they did they have much bigger problems than film taste. But with a cult following thanks to late night HBO showcases I bet someone has seen it besides whoever suggested it and myself. It has a surprisingly formidable 6.4 on imdb out of a group of 1,426 voters. I'm starting to think people will make a cult out of anything.