In the enchanted forest there lived a young unicorn with long flowing locks of grey hair and a weathered, scowling face. Upon hearing that he is the last of his kind from a giant bearded butterfly he ventures by train to the village of Hope Town to find information about his missing brethren. Once off the rail however he soon discovers the town to be a cesspool of crime and violence. He witnesses beatings, murders and youngling abductions as he gallops towards the center of town.
The giant butterfly appears with a manhole cover on his head and stumbles around singing a gay little song as a cry for help. Suddenly King Haggard and his sorcerer sons drive up in their pickup and savagely beats the bearded butterfly into submission in front of startled onlookers. Haggard then fit’s the butterfly’s manhole onto the street and whips on a barbwire noose around his head. The butterfly pleas for forgiveness but Haggard kneels down next to him and tells him “forgiveness doesn’t sparkle with me.” He then revs up his engines, decapitates him and dances around in the fountain of blood.
The unicorn then comes across a cave where demons are entertaining themselves by torturing and killing innocent satyrs. The sorcerer duo are also inside tempting the demons with copious amounts of wolf bane. They come across a witch who asks for
compassion but is promptly threatened with death. Before they lay a hand on her, the unicorn leaps into action and kicks the brothers in the face with his mighty hooves of doom. He then drags them by the collars to the local lawman’s abode proclaiming he had just made a citizens arrest. The unicorn however is unaware that the lawman has been bought by King Haggard and promptly releases the brothers to wreak havoc on the unicorn.Coming to, in a shack of the witch, the unicorn is nursed back to health. Back on his feet, the unicorn turns once again to the streets of Hope Town looking for information on the last of his kind. The unicorn saunters up to a voyeuristic harpy who tells him he’s willing to give him information in exchange for debasing himself by eating glass. The unicorn agrees and shovels shards of glass into his face, smiling as he does it. The harpy then tells him in reality he has no information on unicorns and tells him to buzz off.
This brings the unicorn to the brink. He rides to the local gunsmith, drinks a stein of grog and buys himself a double barreled shotgun. He then goes on a wild shooting spree blowing a hole though the harpy, shooting scores of demons and cutting down a phallic tree with a habit of touching little children. This gets the attention of Haggard who demands immediate action. His sons then go forth killing half the children in town with a flame-throwing spell. They then tell the townsfolk that if they do not kill every unicorn they find they will kill the rest of the children in town then force them to watch mediocre magic tricks for all eternity. The citizens of Hope Town then run off to find the unicorns bringing with them their guns, pitchforks and torches.Meanwhile while the witch walks home from a Magic game, she is picked up by a corrupt ranger who attacks her and forces her into a scullery. However, the unicorn once again comes out from the shadows and saves her, this time stabbing the ranger in the heart with his horn. Knowing that the mobs will be after him, the witch cleverly disguises the unicorn in the body of the dead ranger and they make their way back to her shack. Before they enter, a one-eyed pirate cat sees through his clever disguise and runs to tell the sorcerers of the unicorn’s location.
Armed with a pair of ice skates, a hacksaw and Metallica records, the sorcerers barge into the witch’s humble shack. One brother tries to force himself on the witch while the other stabs the unicorn repeatedly in the back with his ice skates. Luckily the unicorn fights free and shoots one of them in the testicles while the other flees for his life. The witch, traumatized by the experience passes out forcing the unicorn to expose himself and take her to the infirmary.
After a musical interlude involving the juggling of severed heads and the voice of Mia Farrow, the witch wakes up to see the unicorn over her bed side. It is obvious they are attracted to each other and since bestiality is the only realm of taste we haven’t passed, lets just say it happens.
In an act of desperation Haggard releases the Red Bull. A demonic bovine who has a habit of slicing people up and lynching them in creative ways. Finding out about the Red Bull, the unicorn runs to find the witch but is intercepted and brought directly to Haggard alive and in a box. The unicorn awaits his fate, overhearing what Haggard had done to all the unicorn and how delicious they all were. The witch travels back to the gunsmith and arms herself to the teeth with guns, blades and ammo. She then rallies the town pleading with them and asking them to stand up for what is right!
Haggard, the Red Bull and the remaining sorcerer release the unicorn from his cage and slices and blunts his face with sharp blades and heavy hardware. In view of an ever growing crowd, Haggard sets a manhole cover on the unicorn’s head and forces him into an open “gloryhole”. He then dances with glee as the Red Bull ties a rope around his neck then ties it taut around his tail. But before the Red Bull can do Haggard’s bidding, the witch flies forth on her broom and knocks the Red Bull down on the ground and cuts the rope. She then corners the sorcerer and commands Haggard to release the unicorn lest she kill his son. Calling the witch's bluff, Haggard shoots his own son in the face, forces the witch to the ground and cuts her hand off with a dull rusty blade. However, in an act of defiance the witch stabs Haggard repeatedly with her carved stub and crawls back to the unicorn.
The Red Bull who has since awoken, maneuvers to charge towards the trapped unicorn. She then uses her stub as leverage to unhinge the unicorn from
the hole. The unicorn then charges at the red bull crushing its ribs with swift kicks to the abdomen. He then stabs his eye out before the Red Bull runs away in terror. The unicorn then picks up a shotgun and turns to Haggard who is writhing on the ground in pain. In a dark and raspy voice, the unicorn asks Haggard why he killed all the unicorns. Haggard then laughs while licking his lips. He tells him, gazing up at his dead black eyes, “because everyone knows unicorn blood will let you live forever.”With that the lawmen arrive lining their sights with the unicorn’s heart. there is a tense standoff but the townspeople finally arrive to take charge and banish the corrupt cops to hell. In one last act of defiance, the unicorn winks then shoots King Haggard which sets off a chain reaction. As our hero and all the villains lay dead in the gutters of Hope Town, the witch gazes up at the stars knowing that the unicorn is up there somewhere reunited with the rest of his kind.
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